LADIES HELP! a mother's struggle - what do MFPERS suggest?

mountain59

My daughter has struggled with her weight from the time she was young. She'd lose some weight and then put it all back on. My son also is 19 and 308 pounds. I haven't bought any sodas, chips, fatty snacks, etc. for over 12 years (with the exception of special occasions which are few and far between). We eat whole wheat - lots of veggies - salads. Some people's metabolism is slower than others - and if you're one of the ones with a slow one.... DANG it's hard to lose! Most definitely see a dr. - thyroid is the first thing that popped into my mind as my oldest daughter battles with that and it affects her ability to lose. I also agree with the person who said get the whole family on board - they should make an effort to be healthy for her sake as well as their own. Are your boys older than your daughter? I know it's hard but try to find non-food rewards and make sure she knows she's beautiful! I think I went about weight loss wrong when my son was younger - instead of wanting to lose he would sneak into food..... and even if it's a whole wheat tortilla, enough of those will pack on the calories.
My oldest daughter got me hooked with MFP and I fell in love..... now the two with more severe weight problems are on here. I wish with all my heart that my daughter could talk to your little girl...... she's walked that same road for so long. Good luck with it and hugs to you both.

mcarter99

I agree that weighing her outside of the doctor's office is probably counterproductive. It's bad enough how the scale makes us adults feel like failures. I might even hide my scale.

fit4lyfeLisa

I definitely agree with what everyone has posted, but I also agree with this: What about trying a zumba class together? They are super fun & don't even feel like exercise. Where I live the gym offers a zumba class for kids, and they love it. I would give this a try if it is offered at a gym in your area.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

First of all, she needs to go to a doctor. She could have an underlying medical issue you are unaware of.

Second I will offer you some arm chair psychology -- take it for what it is worth.

Perhaps your daughter recognizes your displeasure with her weight, is reading that as rejection, and being resistant because she's sad about that. I get that you want her to be healthy, but maybe she doesn't understand that is your motivation -- maybe what she hears is you don't like how she looks.

I highly suggest you STOP weighing your daughter at home (let a professional monitor her). Do not police her food choices, but make make good choices easy to make (limited junk food in the house). She is 10 and probably doesn't have her own money to buy junk food or make meals by herself. Find an activity she likes to do and make sure she's doing it. I think this should be a physical activity (which it sounds like she has) but also maybe some basic cooking lessens from you or looking up recipes that are healthy or helping you plan meals and a grocery list. Something that gets her involved in understanding nutrition without it being a "diet". Have her dad/brothers (especially dad) involved.

Those are just my immediate thoughts.

tinksmommy2006

you are her mother. you dictate what she eats, and you need make her exercise. period.

stop letting her walk all over you!

kids are cruel. you do not want her to hate you when she gets older for letting her be fat her whole life. trust me. nip that in the bud now.

Rough wording, not sugar coated at all...totally agree!

Kathy53925

i think you're a great caring mom for wanting what is best for your child. i agree with taking her to the pedi to make sure there are no under-lying health issues contributing to her weight. in the meantime, STOP with anything unhealthy coming in the doors of the house. like someone else said, you buy the groceries, you control what comes in. if you show her there are healthy & yummy choices, she will start to make these choices even when you are not around.

i think "forcing" exercise is a harsh way of saying it. i would say encourage. swimming at the pool together, going to a water park, walking on nature hikes, etc. but if push comes to shove, then SHOVE! you are the adult and you have to get her body moving.

i also agree with one of the previous posts regarding her feelings toward you as she ages. if you sit back, do NOTHING, "let" her stay on the computer (or t.v. etc.) and allow her to eat any foods she likes, she WILL continue to gain weight and one day, she will resent you. RIGHT NOW, she might be temporarily upset, but DEEP INSIDE, she WANTS you to be the parent and make the choice. our children are BEGGING for us to make good choices for them! they are weak, immature and incapable (most of the time) of making the right choices and they RELY on good parenting to get them through.

you are going to make it through - HANG IN THERE! parenting is hard, every single bit of it! stay strong!

This is good advice. My granddaughter started getting "pudgy" and her DR put her on a diet...yes, her Dr did, at 11. She was also diagnosed as depressed and ADHD. Once the issues were found, and healthy eating kicked in, she is a nice, slender 13 yr old now.
You are the mom, and she needs guidance. The kids are probably already making fun of her now. You need to get her in to see her Dr, and talk to the family about no junk food in site.

Steph13RN

I'm sure there is tons of great info here ... MFP peeps are awesome!

I think that the best alternative is to shop healthier FOR EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE. Fruits and veggies for snacks, healthy servings of salads for lunch and dinner. A sensible breakfast. She's already doing sports twice a day, although I don't know how long camp will last for.

See if maybe some of her friends are into things that they can do together. Yes kids are cruel, and that's great that you don't want her to have to deal with weight issues ... but let's face it. We love our kids so we have to do what's best for them.

Perhaps a heart to heart with her and see what she would like to do?? If she gained weight that quickly then she must know it too. Talk to her and see if there's something she would like to do together, or if she'd like to work with a trainer/nutrtionist. Google things together.

If she's adamant and doesn't want any help (this is a tender age), I suggest reaching out to your physician ... I'm sure they have plenty of resources available to you and what is safe vs unsafe for your child.

Good luck with this, as I know it's a tough topic.

bevsdietfor2011

Hello, I am a mother of a 24yr old daughter who has had a weight issue most of her life (just like her mother) and yes it was a lot of my fault for her being that way. You need to do the tough love. Check with her doctor/pediatrician and see what they suggest. If your husband and boys are active then get them on board with the exercise too. You need to explain to her the health risks, emotional risks and let her know that you are really concerned. I agree with the person who said to go walk at the mall and then reward her with something non edible ie movie, get nails done etc. You might also tell her that if she gets on board and loses some of the weight you will buy her a new outfit.

Please feel free to check out my profile and add me as a friend if you would like. I would love to support you both and help however I can with encouragement, ideas, motivation etc.

You two can do this and I am behind you all the way!!!!

Hugs
Bev

megleo818

you are her mother. you dictate what she eats, and you need make her exercise. period.

stop letting her walk all over you!

kids are cruel. you do not want her to hate you when she gets older for letting her be fat her whole life. trust me. nip that in the bud now.

Do you have kids? If so, how have you accomplished this with them? If not, from what experience do you speak?

TArnold2012

Honestly, as a mother of 3 myself....You lost me when you said diet and your child in the same sentence! You do NOT want to put your child on a diet at 10 years old, that is just going to set her up for failure and she could possibly go through the rest of her life struggling with body image. She is a child! She needs to eat the right things and stay away from the bad things like processed foods and sugary drinks. She needs to go out and play and not sit around. Take her to the pediatrician and ask him or her for their thoughts as well. My daughter has been big since the day she was born and she is 10 as well, right now she is 110 and very tall for her age. She always looked plump up til this year, she grew into it and really looks great and carries herself well! It will take some time for her...and you do not get discouraged, let her be a kid, motivate her and love her, compliment her and talk to her like a young lady because that is what she really needs right now, she doesn't want to feel like a little child or a disappointment. Good luck dear :flowerforyou: .

THIS THIS THIS did I say THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

lsan1125

I agree with a few other posts. She def needs to see a doctor to rule out any specific health issues. I have recently started a new healthly lifestyle that I am getting the whole family on. The kids love to help cook and get out and exercise. The husband is a seperate issue but I'm working on that. Def make her feel loved and that it's not simply about her appearance but about her health (and the family's health as a whole). Good luck with everything.

JoniRiaya

I think you are completely doing the right thing by trying to give her "tough love". I agree with what others have said- only buy and offer healthy food options and make her exercise. Try lots of different things until she finds something she enjoys. I wouldn't make it about her needing to lose weight however. Just focus on being healthy. My kids are not and have never been overweight, but we still talk about eating right and the importance of exercising for HEALTH. We weren't always like this so the change was difficult at first. It feels so good when I see them make their own healthy choices now- like ordering water and fruit at a restaurant instead of soda and fries. Personally, I don't think it has anything to do with weight but more teaching our children about living an active, healthy lifestyle so it just comes naturally when they are older. When your daughter loses weight becaus of the healthy changes you are making that will just be an added bonus.

saraann4

I can't exactly remember what age I was, I think I was 15/16. I was a little hefty. One day, my mother just told me "you should go on a diet". Thanks mom, tell me what you really think! Those years are the TOUGHEST! You are going to a new school, making new friends, attempting to fit in, blah blah blah... it's hard. At 10 years old, you can tell her "here's dinner, eat it or don't" My mother did the same thing and guess what? I didn't eat...until later. Cookies, chips, ice cream...whatever. My mother and I went on Weight Watchers. We did it together. We worked out doing simple little exercises in our kitchen like different types of crunches. I ended up losing 30lbs. We weighed and measured all our food out.

The best advice I can give you is find out what she likes. Start off small like going for walks every night. Start cooking healthier. Explore desserts that are healthy.

sockablooie

I have two small children and grew up with a sister who was always obese, and a controlling, weight-obsessed mother who managed to make both my sister's life and my life miserable with her constant hounding about my sister's weight. My sister is still obese, and what I have come to realize is that it was my own mother's anxiety and inability to control her weight that drove her to constantly control my sister.

The fact is that kids do what we do. The only reason I finally started losing weight after being depressed about it for two years was for my kids. It wasn't until recently that it became for myself. My son, who is 5 and in the 110th percentile for both height and weight, is a very stocky kid. He wants to do EXACTLY what I do.

Here is my point - you recently committed to losing weight, which is fabulous and wonderful. But, how many times has your daughter watched you do so before? How many times have you tried, given up, and gone back to food as a comfort? I can ask this because I have done the exact same thing, and think of how that pattern influences my children, and that stopping it is the most important thing I can do.

Your daughter has probably watched you gain the weight, and try multiple times to lose it. Suddenly (perhaps) you are gung-ho about losing it and expect her to just get on board immediately. Why would you expect that of her when she has seen your pattern?

It takes all people, kids included, time to believe that we have changed. Kids are incredibly perceptive. My five year old has noticed more things than I ever thought possible.

If you keep living your healthy lifestyle and demonstrate to her that you have changed to a healthy life, and not just a fad diet, she will slowly get on board - and that is because you are her biggest idol, her hero, her mom. You won't have to force the issue or potentially cause her life-long issues, because she will see and trust the change in you, and suddenly realize the healthy life is possible for her too - all because of you.

m1311

I review with all the folks that say not to start talking "diet" with your daughter. It's easier for you to clean out the house and start making sure that you're all preparing "real" food together. Some of the research on processed foods is downright scary. I'd also add that you might consider not weighing her yourself, but letting the school nurse do that.

There's one more thing that I hesitate to bring up, because I don't know whether the findings still support it in this day of too much processed stuff in our lives and constant access to sugary treats.

A long time ago at our school, the counselors would talk with all the very heavy girls, because they had found that the majority of them were hiding their bodies after abuse that they may have experienced from a close family friend or someone even nearer. It was amazing to watch some of the girls regain their confidence and find the fat slipping away.

In the past, kids typically didn't gain weight unless there was a medical or mental-health problem. It's obvious that has changed now, but just as someone else on the list suggested having your daughter talk with a counselor, I would add such advice.

Best of luck to your family, and hugs to you for being a caring mom.

caraiselite

you are her mother. you dictate what she eats, and you need make her exercise. period.

stop letting her walk all over you!

kids are cruel. you do not want her to hate you when she gets older for letting her be fat her whole life. trust me. nip that in the bud now.

Do you have kids? If so, how have you accomplished this with them? If not, from what experience do you speak?

yes, i have 2 boys, aged 10 and 11. both are healthy and active.

i accomplished this by bringing them up loving delicious food. we have a garden, i think that helps a lot.
they do love their junk! but they also know how important vegetables and proteins are.

EnchantedEvening

Get rid of the junk food (since you're watching your weight too). Say you're changing the family's eating habits so she doesn't feel singled out. Just say, "We're going to eat healthy because it's better for all of us." My dad did this every time we complained about not ordering pizza.

We had to ask to have a snack, and my mom was in charge of what we ate and how much. If we wanted a snack, we got an apple, orange, or banana. Sometimes we got graham crackers if we wanted something sweet.

We were limited to one hour of Atari or Nintendo every day, and only if our homework was done. My parents would often take us for family bike rides, my dad got us into softball, and my mom took us to swimming classes. Both of my parents ensured we were active.

We did get treats on occasion. Sometimes we'd get pizza on Friday, or we'd have ice cream sandwiches as a snack in the summer. The point is, they were occasional treats, and my parents limited the portions.

Your daughter might resent you or "hate" you, but that will pass. That's part of being a parent. :-P

Definitely get her checked out, though. It seems strange she'd be gaining so much weight so quickly if she isn't binging in secret (have you checked her room?)

momof4ts

She is about 4' 10" would b my guess

fguillory

You need to just stop and look at yourself. You are pushing your body image issues on her. why not strive to make the whole family healthy. Take a family walk. You know at 10 i was the only fat girl in my family. My step mom put locks on the fridge and cabinets. I was forced to take diet pills and drink slimfast. My aunts always told me i have such a pretty face and would look better skinny. They caused me to turn to food for comfort. I felt unloved and unaccepted. you want her to be healthy fine. Dont single her out. Work on your whole family. Just because someones skinny doesnt mean theyre healthy take your boys too

devil_in_a_blue_dress

You need to just stop and look at yourself. You are pushing your body image issues on her. why not strive to make the whole family healthy. Take a family walk. You know at 10 i was the only fat girl in my family. My step mom put locks on the fridge and cabinets. I was forced to take diet pills and drink slimfast. My aunts always told me i have such a pretty face and would look better skinny. They caused me to turn to food for comfort. I felt unloved and unaccepted. you want her to be healthy fine. Dont single her out. Work on your whole family.

LISTEN TO THIS!!!!!!!!

Just because your husband and sons are thin doesn't mean they are healthy! Always room for improvement. You don't have to be in denial about your daughter's size or suggest to her it is healthy -- but you don't have to give a 10 year old girl "tough love" over her size either.