Need support after miscarriage

rmillsaps04

Hello,
I'm a long-time member of MFP, but haven't been using it much. Have completely fallen off the wagon lately...exactly a month ago I had a miscarriage at approx 7 weeks. I was doing so good up until then, eating well and preparing for a health and happy pregnancy. The miscarriage changed everything, turned my world upside down. I'm back to eating anything and everything, like an entire box of granola bars while watching TV. And much too large portions. Maybe this is just part of my own person grieving process, but as each pound creeps onto the scale, I get more depressed and less motivated.
Anyone with advice or support, please help!

-rm

misscristie

Oh, honey, I am so very, very sorry. A miscarriage is what got me started. I had hopes of trying again, but what we went through after was just too painful and my husband doesn't have it in him to try again.

You may want to go talk to someone. Perhaps an anti-depressant is in order. My depression lasted for a good 6 months after mine.

As far as diet goes, take care of yourself first. Get back to who you know you are. The rest will come.

crodrigu73

I am so very sorry for your loss. I had a baby die two hours after birth, and have put on over 100 pounds after his death. I eat my feels, so I totally understand what you are going through. All I can say is with time that you will have more good days and fewer bad days, but the pain of the loss will never go away. My son would be turning 21 this July and it still hurts. I will keep you in my prayers.

momma3sweetgirls

So sorry for your loss. I understand how heart-breaking it can be. I found it helped to talk to people about it. The more I talked about it, them more I realized I wasn't alone. You are right that you are grieving and food can be a great comfort for many. Try and make small steps to curb the binging and you'll gain control of your eating again in time.

mollyonamission

I'm so sorry sweetheart. Feel free to add me.

lil_pulp

I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister has suffered 5 miscarriages (6 babies) since she had her son 6 years ago. Each one is devastating and takes a toll on not just her body, but on nearly every area of the family's life. I haven't been there myself, but here is my advice: Be kind to yourself and, as I think you are, continue acknowledging that you are mourning right now. Treat yourself as you would a friend. Also, when you're eating too much junk, remind yourself that you want to keep your body healthy so that you'll have a greater chance of maintaining a healthy pregnancy, should you get pregnant again. Again, I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go through this.

KrystieNye

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks back in 2010, so I can relate all too well. Please feel free to add me if you'd like- I'm on every day.

kattbyrd67

It sounds like you may be punishing yourself and using food as your weapon. Have you spoken to anyone about the miscarriage? Is there anyone to help you through your grieving process...family, clergy, anyone? You have to remind yourself that the miscarriage was NOT your fault, that you were doing everything humanly possible to have your baby arrive safely. Sometimes, these things are taken out of our hands, and there's just nothing we can do. YOU still deserve to have a healthy life. YOU still deserve to make healthy choices. YOU have to love YOURSELF enough to carry on and be healthy, even if you don't really want to right now. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here.

mslvs

Hang in there.... I struggled with Infertility for two years and suffered miscarriages and chemical pregnancies. I am now the mother of a healthy 4-month old. Let yourself hurt, but don't give up. Fight back against the m/c, get healthy, and get yourself pregnant again! I know it's hard, but you can do it. The healthier you are, the easier conceiving and pregnancy will be.

holly1283

I am much older now but I know where you are coming from. Just know that when you hormones get back to "normal" you will feel better. Remember you not only had an emotional loss, your hormones bottomed out. Next tiime you feel like eating a box of something, go outside and find something beautifull to look at, do something to shift gears even temporarily. I remember leaving the place where I worked for just a few minutes to take long deep breaths outside. Pretend you're giving some of that grief to me. It may seem trite but you can make it through this.:flowerforyou:

monyango

Oh I'm sorry for your loss. That is very sad:( I can empathize. My son was born at 24 weeks and passed away 68 days after his birth. He passed away on my birthday this past January. Ugggg.

It'll take time for you to gather yourself. Grieving looks different for everyone. Just remember to be kind to yourself...and patient. Trying to be healthy in both eating and exercising will benefit you in the long run but I know it's hard to focus on anything other than your loss.

I can give you tips and advice on what helped for me but frankly....they'll do no good because nothing I say will ease the pain. Wishing you all the best.

sovannac

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to add me.

Bobby_Clerici

My wife and I went through this after going to great lengths to conceive.
It was devastating.
As hard as it may seem now, life goes on and you shall get past the grief.
We went on to have 5 kids and a great family.
But you never forget....

rmillsaps04

Thank you all for the outpouring of support. Several of you hit the nail on the head - I think I need to talk about it with people. I've only told 2 of my really good friends, and my husband. I don't know why, but I don't want to tell my mom. Maybe she won't understand.
I was all set to tell another of my good friends, just to get it off my chest, but the very day I met up with her, she told me she was pregnant. How could I rain on her parade and scare her? I guess I keep telling myself that it isn't a big deal, I should make others feel bad or pity me by telling them. I think my husband is "talked out". And he's not the one who was feeling ill and had to go through the horrible pain and cramps and bleeding. He feels like it's not a big deal, we'll just try again and forget about this bad time.
Honestly, this is the most that I've ever talked about it... Feels good

onyx1972

I am so sorry to read of this tragedy. My sympathies go out to you.. I had 4 miscarriages before I found I could not carry a child past 9 weeks, all were traumatizing. As hard and as devastated as you are you must take care of your health. As you get healthy again and your body, mind and spirit heal you will feel whole again and you can continue with healthy habits that you will benefit from as well as any children you have currently or choose to have in the future. Give your body time to heal, feed it well with nutritional options, find solice in knowing you are not alone. Food although comforting will not fill the void... find something healthy that will, like walking or a support group.... or both... Good Luck and Feel better

buckeyegirl0103

I have had 2- pain is there- its real- Talk to someone- find a support group even. There is an old book that helped me called "i'll hold you in Heaven". Excellent resource. ((((hugs)))))

Swissmiss

I can feel your pain. I lost one at 8 weeks. May I suggest that you start living healthy for your next pregnancy?

jcamby

Hugs. Sorry for your loss....

AmyM713

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have been in your shoes and know what your going through. Feel free to add me if you need someone to talk to. I know it doesn't seem like it now but the pain does ease up a bit, but your correct that you have to grieve and everyone does it differently. Take care of yourself.

jiddu17

I have had two miscarriages in the last few years. It is not an easy process to go through, and it isn't one you can get through without stopping to mourn every once in awhile. Your husband is not allowed to be "talked out" - in a few weeks, when you would have had your first appointment, or a few months, when you pass another milestone, you need to be able to tell him "You know, today would have been...." and he needs to offer sympathy and comfort. You aren't dwelling on it, it's part of the grieving process. For me, and maybe it's because I have already had a child, but every milestone had to be acknowledged and I would tell my husband and we would talk about it for a few minutes and then move on with our day. The hardest part was getting beyond the due date, but do you know what happened atfter that? Like a breath of fresh air, an oppressive weight began to lift off of my heart and it was only then that I felt like it was in my past. The grieving process for miscarriage does not end when you get your next normal period. It doesn't end when your HCG levels return to normal. It begins to end long after. Do not rush through just because someone else thinks you should be "over it" by now. And as far as your mom goes... only you know what's right, but if your husband isn't giving you what you need along the way, then your mom probably will. Maybe she has even been through it. Sometimes it really is beyond the ability of some men to truly understand that which we can't put into words. Good luck to you, it does get easier. I promise.

MissMama5

Hugs sweetie. I had two mid-term losses myself and gained a lot of weight during and after both....I'm on a mission now to get healhtier and lose the weight you can do it, women are the strongest creatures on earth! feel free to add me

Sheila_Ann

I'm so sorry for your loss! Take one day at a time. Please feel free to add me.

Hugs and hang in there!
Sheila :flowerforyou:

amybluefish

I am so very sorry for your loss. I too have had four miscarriages and two still births. If you need to talk to someone I'm here. Exercise for me was a way that helped me just feel okay. I know overall it helps my feel better.

These losses and trying to comfort myself added to a lot of weight gain. I understand. You are stronger than you know.

tonybalony01

Even though I'm a guy and don't fully comprehend all that you are going through, I am still sorry to hear about your loss. My wife and I went through a miscarriage a couple years ago right before Mother's Day. It's hard to understand why stuff like this happens, but you can get through it. Mourn and grieve as much as you need to. Just remember that it's not your fault and you still need to take care of yourself. Hope to see more posts from you with some happy news soon. Take care and God bless.

jkandktmom

I am also very sorry for your loss. I echo those that say talk about it. I didn't, I closed myself off and pretending I was ok. That became the beginning of the end for my husband and I. I think I wanted to talk about but he seemed like everything was ok so I guess I felt I should be ok too. But your not ok and things won't be quite the same again.

So take time, get healthy and when you get pregnant try not to worry- I know that sounds impossible. I feel like I wasn't able to enjoy my pregnancy with my daughter because I was so afraid.

Good luck on your journey!!

Eeyore255

Please feel free to add me. I suffered a miscarriage on 6/7/12 - less than 2 weeks ago. I should have been 11 weeks, but was only showing as 9 weeks w/no heartbeat. I have also been eating whatever the heck I want! We tried for 16 months, and this would have been our first.

gooteek

Having worked in the medical community, dealt with similar issues in my own life, and learned the hard lessons of losing loved ones I understand where you are coming from. I am sorry for your loss. I also know everything happens for a reason and many times we punish ourselves for things we could never have controlled, you certainly do not need to do that.

From the medical standpoint, miscarriages are more common than many think and only signifies the body is not yet ready. I have seen many work through multiple miscarriages and finally have the family they wanted. Still, it is difficult to deal with and can bring depression into your world...a very natural process, as well.

Comfort eating is not entirely a bad thing, but I would suggest getting outside and getting sunlight and the affects of nature. A good walk every day will help you not only increase happy chemistry within your body, but also give you time to work through your issues bringing you mental clarity and lifting the affects of depression.

If you cannot shake it, I would find someone you can talk to outside of your circl of family and friends, someone removed from your life but that also can help. A pastor, councelor, or maybe a co-worker that has been through something similar and successfully overcame the depression would be an example of someone to confide in.

Remember, you are not alone in this, so taking your mate with you once you are at that point also helps heal him. Too many times men bury their feelings and own depression to help and "fix" the situation, when they should be processing the same feelings and working through their issues. Helping your mate as you help yourself reduces the amount of time required to overcome depression, in fact, any time you help others it takes you out of your own world and helps the healing process.

Take heart in knowing there is a time and a season for everything, this does not define your life or future, it is just a snapshot in time. You will find happiness as long as you never give up on what you want, life will get in line with your wishes when everything is right. Live happy and healthy, set the example for your future children on how to deal with difficulty in life, although difficult...you have what it takes to make them proud you made good of disappointment in life.

wellwithyou

Well, we all grieve differently. But, think about how you choose to 'love" yourself (your body) when you were pregnant. Maybe it was because of the life growing inside of you. But, you deserve to love yourself now too, even if you are currently waiting for another pregnancy. Love yourself now, love yourself and your body. You are worth it, believe it!

asb46

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I've had 12 miscarriages. The first one was absolutely devastating, and after 13 years, I still mourn that lost angel, but the hurt is not so acute. Like the death of anyone close to you, the pain eases with time. That baby was as real to you as any wriggling, breathing, kicking, screaming toddler is to any parent out there, and don't let anyone tell you any different. One thing that helped me cope was to give my angels names, and to create some type of memorial. Plant a bush or a tree. I had a pin with little cherub charms, engraved with the names and would-be due dates of the angels on the back. I kept it up for the first five miscarriages, but it made the goldsmith so sad that I eventually stopped. Then after a while my husband and I just stopped telling anyone when I became pregnant.

Everyone must walk a different path through grief, but it's a path that is best walked with company. Find a good online support group for miscarriage. If you are trying again, then find one geared specifically for trying to conceive after miscarriage. That, for me, was also a Godsend.

As we say in Alabama, Bless your Heart.

godblessourhome

i am so sorry for your loss. i have had 2 miscarriage and i understand the pain you feel. praying for you to be comforted!

anniep106

Im so sorry for everyone's losses. I went through 6 miscarriages and infertility treatments before having my daughter. It helps to talk to others. Dont feel pressured into being silent. There are a lot of support groups out there, both in real life and online. If that isnt your thing, try talking to a therapist. A lot of reproductive endocrinologists can reccommend great infertility/pregnancy loss therapists. Above all, dont give up.