Another Breaking Relationship Thread: Opinion from the men?

TaintedVampyre

Hi everybody,
I'm going to avoid the background info on my relationship. We've been together for 2 years. He was great in the beginning. We've had our rough patches and I don't know who needs to change most to make things work at this point. I have my doubts anything will.
When I moved into my own apartment, the rent on his was almost up so we decided to move in together. It's been about a year since the move-in and I feel even after all the arguments and the plans to change (on both our ends) and the negotiations that I still can't seem to make him happy (like a word or wrong "attitude" or action triggers a negative reaction).
This being said, this is my apartment, but being as emotionally and mentality attached to "us" that I don't know what to do. However, this is not why I'm posting here.
What kind of person am I if I personally packed all his items into the bags he came in with, left them at the door? We've been pulling at each other for a while, I thought after the last argument things would've permanently changed, but he's falling back into old habits. But I don't know how to break this without falling into a million pieces while watching him pack and then attempting to fix everything and telling him I was wrong and I really don't him to go.
This is my first "real" serious relationship. Everything in the past never lasted long enough for things to be like this...
Anybody, man or woman, who has any advice feel free to either message me here or PM me with anything you can offer.
I appreciate your advice ahead of time.
Have a good weekend... no guarantee mine will be, so have one for me.

KBUnleashed

I would never suggest packing anyone's stuff in their bags and leaving it by the door.

Have you told him you want him to move out? Ask if he can stay with a friend for a while? Tell him it's just not working out between you?

TaintedVampyre

I call myself Denial. I keep thinking that if I make small comments that he subconsciously will make the changes. But the last time we fought to the point of him calling his friend to come pick him up and as we're waiting I just broke down and became "crazy" and started my way of apologizing and trying to back-track all my reasons or making up excuses...
We love each other, but I think we both know that we're fighting fire with fire and the flame just isn't getting bigger for the right reasons.

KBUnleashed

The best advice you will ever receive:

YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE A MAN. No matter how much you want to, a person won't make a change unless they want that change in their life.

I swear this is the biggest mistake women make and all it does is cause heartache and misery for all involved. He will feel constantly belittled and you will feel constantly disappointed. If he doesn't make you happy, it's time to find someone who will.

If you think it's over, end it, nicely. Not by packing bags and leaving them by the door. Not by going "crazy". Not by apologizing and back-tracking.

I know love can be hard but you must be honest with yourself and him.

seventwenty

If it's that bad--which we don't know b/c you're not telling us all relevant details--I'd break up with him and find a new place.


Sure the apartment may be nice, but if you're one to associate people with places, you'll "remember" him when you're in the apartment, and it'll make moving on more difficult. I think the worst thing you can do, and I sense you may be doing it, is make it a "he v. me" dichotomy. This is a false dichotomy, and you'll be consumed with "getting back at him," instead of "moving on." Sure, many people feel like "getting back at him" is part of "moving on," but to me that's not a good way to look at things, because you're thinking about him and not about you.

caraiselite

i would suffer in silence. wait for him to break up with me.
im horrible.


realistically, i'd like to say i'd tell him to gtfo.

AJ_Pete

The best advice you will ever receive:

YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE A MAN. No matter how much you want to, a person won't make a change unless they want that change in their life.

I swear this is the biggest mistake women make and all it does is cause heartache and misery for all involved. He will feel constantly belittled and you will feel constantly disappointed. If he doesn't make you happy, it's time to find someone who will.

If you think it's over, end it, nicely. Not by packing bags and leaving them by the door. Not by going "crazy". Not by apologizing and back-tracking.


I know love can be hard but you must be honest with yourself and him.

I agree. I was with my father's son for 6 years and finally left him when I was 2 months pregnant. He was who he was.... I am who I am. It was the hardest thing I have ever done..... and the best. Not a day goes by that I regret letting him go.
Sadly, the legal side of it is that you might have to give him 30 days to find a new place to live.
It sucks, but maybe you need to just break ties and figure out who you are. You're obviously not happy in this situation..... I say be with yourself for a while. Whatever's meant to happen will happen in the future, but keeping yourself in something so toxic to your emotions won't get you anywhere positive. Positivity breeds positivity.... clear the air.... make peace... and move on.

Focus on you... choose to be happy... good luck, love.

starcatcher1975

If you're going to associate the apartment with him it might be best to break the lease and get out or if it's close to the end of the lease just sticking it out for a while and then finding somewhere new to live. If you guys do end up breaking up then no matter where you live it's going to be tough for a while because you're going to miss him, want him back, wonder if you made a mistake, you know, all the post breakup stuff you always think about and go through...plus it's a break up, it's (usually) a sad time for a while.

And maybe (I'm not there so I don't know) you are upset over the fact that your first "real" relationship isn't working out? If things are working out and they haven't gotten better it's just time to move on.

Don't ever try to change someone, it won't work. Just as you shouldn't have to change or feel you're making all the compromises in the relationship. Relationships are hard but when the bad days are outnumbering the good days it's time cut ties.

All the best to you though, I hope you can figure out what to do to make both of you happier

eemielwy

I'm not a man, but I've been through this. It's rough. Don't pack his things. Just have "the talk." Be prepared with options and/or deadlines. If this is your first real and serious relationship, then this is a great time for you to learn how to keep a handle on yourself and take care of the separation like an adult. If you take rash action, the drama it creates will actually only be more painful for both of you. Stay calm. Center yourself on the idea that this is what is truly best for you in the long run. Stay classy. Maintaining your self-respect will make it easier to move on through the stages of healing. Hang in there.

TaintedVampyre

Thank you every body for your great insight and personal stories.
If it came down to him just moving out by this weekend, should I just leave the situation? Like, say, I drive away from the apartment while he's packing instead of just standing around sulking into a deep misery or should I stick around until the very last item is out the door?

hbrittingham

I don't know your history, whether there is abuse involved or not., if not and if you feel like you really love him, would the two of you be willing to go to counseling? You both could learn how to communicate more effectively and in a way that works for both of you rather than fighting. But it only works if you both are willing to and wanting to work things out.

Good luck whatever you decide. Breakups are never easy. They're even harder if you are really in love with the other person.

BTW, counseling recently saved my 20 year marriage. We totally had no clue how to communicate effectively. Once we did, things fell back into place for us.

Renae_Nae

Write a letter to yourself detailing all the issues you have and why you want to break up. Then when he gets home tell him it's over and ask him to pack his things. Get a girlfriend to take you out and keep reminding yourself all the reasons you want it to be over. That way you're not there when he's packing and you have some support from a friend.

cschu544

Do whatever feels right for you. Luckily, this is just a relationship, there doesn't seem to be any children involved which makes it easier. We only have one life to live, you need to be happy in it. If you feel like you aren't getting the love and the support you need, make some changes-- but like another poster said, don't expect him to change. If you can't accept him for who he is and what he is doing right now, it will not be different next week, next month, or next year.. and the unresolved issues will continue to be unresolved.

No one can tell you what you should or should not do, this is your relationship, but realize the longer you stay in an emotionally damaging relationship, the more your self-worth deteriorates, and the harder it will be when he finally does leave. Be strong and stand behind your convictions.

It always gets worse before it gets better. Always here for support

TaintedVampyre

I think there might be a slight misunderstanding behind me saying that "he isn't changing".
Here's the thing with that:
- He doesn't do dishes.
- Doesn't pick up his clothes.
- Leaves tracks of water all over the apartment after his shower.
- Leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
- Never puts any of his stuff away.
- Leaves lights on after he's finished with a room-- do you realize how much money we'd save if he would?
- He has no concept of money yet he thinks we can get a house in the future, yet it seems to be my money that would be funding the project.
- Expects me to be there at his beckon call regardless of time of day.

Fortunately there aren't any children in the relationship, I would've left a lot sooner if I had to deal with everything plus put children through it.
The past of this relationship has involved violence. Physical. Mental. Emotional.

littlesis412

Thank you every body for your great insight and personal stories.
If it came down to him just moving out by this weekend, should I just leave the situation? Like, say, I drive away from the apartment while he's packing instead of just standing around sulking into a deep misery or should I stick around until the very last item is out the door?

Make your decision. Think it out. And talk to him. Don't just pack his bags for him. How attached to the apartment are you? Maybe you could move if you want to get away from the memories. Obviously, you can't just up and leave without discussing it. But If you've decided you want him to leave, you should explain to him why and by what reasonable time you would like him to be gone. I personally, would not want to be there as he packed. I think it would be best to go visit your family or some friends on the day he moves. Tell him you'll be home by a certain time and you would like him gone by then and to leave the key on the table. I think "sulking" and hovering over him would just be too much opportunity for negative confrontation or emotions. If you're worried about the apartment, you might ask a mature friend to watch over it while he leaves. But if you're unhappy. Just make a clean and honest break, don't drag it out. With one ex- we kept getting back together even though we were not meant for each other, and I regret the two years I lost to him. With a different ex- he said it was over and no matter how many times I called, or how much it hurt both of us, he wouldn't give in and get back together. I can't begin to say how grateful I am for him doing that. It hurt like hell at first, but it was actually so much easier that way.

goddamnelectric

I don't know who needs to change most to make things work at this point.

First problem...
Obviously I'm not a man. But if you want the honest input of someone who's been there here it comes:
"Change" should never be in the vocabulary. It will not happen no matter how much you yell, beg, pray, F*#@, make ultimatums or whatever you do to try and make things work. Love will come naturally when it is meant to be.
Having said that, I dated a guy for 3 years. He was me with balls. Same temper, same anxiety, same attitude. It was crazy and we were horrible together. We broke up, then I met my husband and for the first time I realized how simple love actually is. Until you can completely accept someone for every flaw they may have and genuinely love and appreciate everything they are, it will never work.

TaintedVampyre

I realize change was the wrong word to use but for this instance it seemed right.
To those who asked about how attached I was to my apartment. It's not an attachment per se. It's more the location is convenient because I'm downtown and within walking distance of everything I really need and a walk a way from work. And the rent's decent. I have no issue staying in the apartment until I can afford otherwise, I just have trouble handling stressful situations.

Mctree20

I think there might be a slight misunderstanding behind me saying that "he isn't changing".
Here's the thing with that:
- He doesn't do dishes.
- Doesn't pick up his clothes.
- Leaves tracks of water all over the apartment after his shower.
- Leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
- Never puts any of his stuff away.
- Leaves lights on after he's finished with a room-- do you realize how much money we'd save if he would?
- He has no concept of money yet he thinks we can get a house in the future, yet it seems to be my money that would be funding the project.
- Expects me to be there at his beckon call regardless of time of day.

Fortunately there aren't any children in the relationship, I would've left a lot sooner if I had to deal with everything plus put children through it.
The past of this relationship has involved violence. Physical. Mental. Emotional.

I honestly think you would be better if you were the one to move, make a fresh start of it. Packing his stuff up and leaving at the door is just wrong.

If he can't clean up after himself, he either needs to grow up or go live with his mommy.

JanetLM73

Just thank god you are not married and have children. I know exactly how you are feeling...I have no advice, but I do have sympathy for you.

littlesis412

I think there might be a slight misunderstanding behind me saying that "he isn't changing".
Here's the thing with that:
- He doesn't do dishes.
- Doesn't pick up his clothes.
- Leaves tracks of water all over the apartment after his shower.
- Leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
- Never puts any of his stuff away.
- Leaves lights on after he's finished with a room-- do you realize how much money we'd save if he would?
- He has no concept of money yet he thinks we can get a house in the future, yet it seems to be my money that would be funding the project.
- Expects me to be there at his beckon call regardless of time of day.

Fortunately there aren't any children in the relationship, I would've left a lot sooner if I had to deal with everything plus put children through it.
The past of this relationship has involved violence. Physical. Mental. Emotional.

Ok, for the first half, I'd say he's just a male. And that's the way they are. But if he is abusive, get out of there now. Past or not. Suggestions for some of the problems though:
- He doesn't do dishes. (Exchange this for other chores. Like you do the dishes, he does the trash.)
- Doesn't pick up his clothes. (So where does he leave them? I finally gave up and put a hamper in "his" room just so they'd get off the floor. It might sound silly, but the less distant that has to be traveled, the more likely he'll do it.)
- Leaves tracks of water all over the apartment after his shower. (Get a fluffy bathroom mat or absorber thing.)
- Leaves the cap off the toothpaste. (Get the kind with a flip cap that's attached. Again sounds silly but you choose your battles.)
- Never puts any of his stuff away. (Again, see the distance thing. Otherwise don't know what to tell you.)
- Leaves lights on after he's finished with a room-- do you realize how much money we'd save if he would? (Put timers on the lights? Esp. if you're worried about money.)
- He has no concept of money yet he thinks we can get a house in the future, yet it seems to be my money that would be funding the project. (money is a real problem. Maybe you can get a budgeting program or spreadsheet and show him the situation. And how unless he contributes, ain't happenin'.)
- Expects me to be there at his beckon call regardless of time of day. (Like demands? He may need to mature and realize you have a life too and sometimes that's really not possible.)

TaintedVampyre

I think there might be a slight misunderstanding behind me saying that "he isn't changing".
Here's the thing with that:
- He doesn't do dishes.
- Doesn't pick up his clothes.
- Leaves tracks of water all over the apartment after his shower.
- Leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
- Never puts any of his stuff away.
- Leaves lights on after he's finished with a room-- do you realize how much money we'd save if he would?
- He has no concept of money yet he thinks we can get a house in the future, yet it seems to be my money that would be funding the project.
- Expects me to be there at his beckon call regardless of time of day.

Fortunately there aren't any children in the relationship, I would've left a lot sooner if I had to deal with everything plus put children through it.
The past of this relationship has involved violence. Physical. Mental. Emotional.

I honestly think you would be better if you were the one to move, make a fresh start of it. Packing his stuff up and leaving at the door is just wrong.

If he can't clean up after himself, he either needs to grow up or go live with his mommy.

If I was financially stable, moving would definitely be something to consider.

TaintedVampyre

Going to bold everything in order to counter your statement, not to start an argument but it's actually things he's said or something that's already been done and failed.

Ok, for the first half, I'd say he's just a male. And that's the way they are. But if he is abusive, get out of there now. Past or not. Suggestions for some of the problems though:
- He doesn't do dishes. (Exchange this for other chores. Like you do the dishes, he does the trash.) Believes he shouldn't have to do any of this, since I'm a female... yes it's sexist but with less "that's a girl's job" attitude
- Doesn't pick up his clothes. (So where does he leave them? I finally gave up and put a hamper in "his" room just so they'd get off the floor. It might sound silly, but the less distant that has to be traveled, the more likely he'll do it.) he leaves them where ever he decides to strip em and it's up to me to clean things up
- Leaves tracks of water all over the apartment after his shower. (Get a fluffy bathroom mat or absorber thing.) I have that
- Leaves the cap off the toothpaste. (Get the kind with a flip cap that's attached. Again sounds silly but you choose your battles.)
- Never puts any of his stuff away. (Again, see the distance thing. Otherwise don't know what to tell you.) his attitude is dropping it at the front door and see what happens (usually involves me tripping over shoes in the middle of the night)[/]
- Leaves lights on after he's finished with a room-- do you realize how much money we'd save if he would? (Put timers on the lights? Esp. if you're worried about money.) Not an option in an apartment, to my knowledge[/]
- He has no concept of money yet he thinks we can get a house in the future, yet it seems to be my money that would be funding the project. (money is a real problem. Maybe you can get a budgeting program or spreadsheet and show him the situation. And how unless he contributes, ain't happenin'.) We already tried that, it's hanging on the wall in the bedroom, it seems as soon as it was written it was thrown out the window
- Expects me to be there at his beckon call regardless of time of day. (Like demands? He may need to mature and realize you have a life too and sometimes that's really not possible.) In all honesty, I haven't had a life for about a year, because I can't go anywhere without him calling me and demanding and questioning where I'm going, who I'm with etc

Thank you for you help

TaintedVampyre

Just thank god you are not married and have children. I know exactly how you are feeling...I have no advice, but I do have sympathy for you.

Marriage is one thing. Children is another. And I would've gone a lot quicker realizing that I refuse to bring children up in that kind of environment. I'd rather be a single mum at that point.

Bobby_Clerici

OK, I am assuming that you know the breakup is right, and it's the best way to proceed.
Considering there was abuse, I would totally agree. Men who abuse women are cowards who seldom change.
Move on that, and do not waver. Be kind but firm.
Leave for an hour while he packs, and then gut it out while he goes on his way.
Say nothing but "I will miss you", and shake his hand - no kiss and no tears.
And then, after he's gone, cry your eyes out for 3 hours.

Take a day off the next day for a free day from exercise and diet - JUST ONE DAY!
On day 2 get back on track totally with your fitness program. At this point you will feel 100% better.
Give yourself a week where you focus on nothing but fitness and work.
On week 2 start meeting new people and prepare yourself for new guys who will enter the picture.
Nature abhors a vacuum; others will fill the void, and you will enter a new, exciting time in your life.

Good Luck, and ENJOY!:flowerforyou:

TaintedVampyre

OK, I am assuming that you know the breakup is right, and it's the best way to proceed.
Right? Any doubts, and go back and try to work it out. OK, so it's time to break off this relationship.
Move on that, and do not waver. Be kind but firm.
Leave for an hour while he packs, and then gut it out while he goes on his way.
Say nothing but "I will miss you", and shake his hand - no kiss and no tears.
And then, after he's gone, cry your eyes out for 3 hours.

Take a day off the next day for a free day from exercise and diet - JUST ONE DAY!
On day 2 get back on track totally with your fitness program. At this point you will feel 100% better.
Give yourself a week where you focus on nothing but fitness and work.
On week 2 start meeting new people and prepare yourself for new guys who will enter the picture.
Nature abhors a vacuum; others will fill the void, and you will enter a new, exciting time in your life.

Good Luck, and ENJOY!:flowerforyou:

Interesting idea of incorporating my working out into my recovery. Can I have a container of Ben&Jerry's on my cry-my-eyes-out day? Feels only right
But we have gone through the same process of packing things up and unpacking for a while and I just don't know if things will get better at this point. If and when week 2 roles around, meeting new people would not be on my to-do list. But at least I might not have the constant need to be checking my phone every hour wondering when he's planning on coming home after he had left without saying very much.

Bobby_Clerici

OK, I am assuming that you know the breakup is right, and it's the best way to proceed.
Right? Any doubts, and go back and try to work it out. OK, so it's time to break off this relationship.
Move on that, and do not waver. Be kind but firm.
Leave for an hour while he packs, and then gut it out while he goes on his way.
Say nothing but "I will miss you", and shake his hand - no kiss and no tears.
And then, after he's gone, cry your eyes out for 3 hours.

Take a day off the next day for a free day from exercise and diet - JUST ONE DAY!
On day 2 get back on track totally with your fitness program. At this point you will feel 100% better.
Give yourself a week where you focus on nothing but fitness and work.
On week 2 start meeting new people and prepare yourself for new guys who will enter the picture.
Nature abhors a vacuum; others will fill the void, and you will enter a new, exciting time in your life.

Good Luck, and ENJOY!:flowerforyou:

Interesting idea of incorporating my working out into my recovery. Can I have a container of Ben&Jerry's on my cry-my-eyes-out day? Feels only right
But we have gone through the same process of packing things up and unpacking for a while and I just don't know if things will get better at this point. If and when week 2 roles around, meeting new people would not be on my to-do list. But at least I might not have the constant need to be checking my phone every hour wondering when he's planning on coming home after he had left without saying very much.

it's important to get out and meet new people - not for cheap sex or even dating. Just get out and be with others, have some fun, and that too has a healing effect.
Isolation will have you groveling at his feet again.
Again, best of luck.
Life can be a real kick in the butt, but be a person who acts - not reacts.

TaintedVampyre

Thank you.

Here's another question to incorporate:
Should I change my relationship status before or after everything is said and done

Actually as I typed this I realized I didn't want to be one of "those" girls where everybody knew about it before he did...
Disregard this question, I just figured I might as well continue my train of thought.

falcon367

IMO, you've given us all the answer by asking the question ... wouldn't you agree?

Listen .. you're young .. there is simply no reason to prolong the obvious.

Either sit and talk to him, or write him and tell him how you feel ... try to keep things amicable as it will reduce the stress long term. More than likely, he is having the same feelings as yourself. Tell him that no matter what your intentions were in the beginning, things are not working out as you had planned and that one of you has to move to save whatever friendship remains.

If he decides to leave, give him time alone to pack. Don't sit and watch ... get out, clear your head and come back when he's gone.

Remember, no one and I mean no one will be perfect for you or you for them. (notice I said you for them too) Even though someone leaves off the toothpaste cap, you may do something equally irritating in his eyes. BUT, is it worth throwing away a relationship for? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Choose your battles ... there will be plenty along the way ... is it really worth the argument? You decide.

What you will find someday, is someone will be easy ... things will just naturally flow with him and it will be mutual. Life isn't easy ... relationships are difficult ... even the great ones can be taxing at times ... and marriage, not to mention children can exacerbate even the smallest of problems. If you think relationships are hard, just wait till you become a parent.

Gather your thoughts, make a decision, set your plan into action and don't look back. Good luck to you.

PicNic00

Just thank god you are not married and have children. I know exactly how you are feeling...I have no advice, but I do have sympathy for you.

Marriage is one thing. Children is another. And I would've gone a lot quicker realizing that I refuse to bring children up in that kind of environment. I'd rather be a single mum at that point.

You are sooooooo young!!! don't waist your youth on this nonsense. When your 30 and look back you will be sooooooo glad.

TaintedVampyre

IMO, you've given us all the answer by asking the question ... wouldn't you agree?

Listen .. you're young .. there is simply no reason to prolong the obvious.

Either sit and talk to him, or write him and tell him how you feel ... try to keep things amicable as it will reduce the stress long term. More than likely, he is having the same feelings as yourself. Tell him that no matter what your intentions were in the beginning, things are not working out as you had planned and that one of you has to move to save whatever friendship remains.

If he decides to leave, give him time alone to pack. Don't sit and watch ... get out, clear your head and come back when he's gone.

Remember, no one and I mean no one will be perfect for you or you for them. (notice I said you for them too) Even though someone leaves off the toothpaste cap, you may do something equally irritating in his eyes. BUT, is it worth throwing away a relationship for? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Choose your battles ... there will be plenty along the way ... is it really worth the argument? You decide.

What you will find someday, is someone will be easy ... things will just naturally flow with him and it will be mutual. Life isn't easy ... relationships are difficult ... even the great ones can be taxing at times ... and marriage, not to mention children can exacerbate even the smallest of problems. If you think relationships are hard, just wait till you become a parent.

Gather your thoughts, make a decision, set your plan into action and don't look back. Good luck to you.

This all being said, thank you. Although I realize the cap off the toothpaste argument is petty and was nothing to discuss in reality since the cat has a tendency of running off with it lol
I also realize that I can't expect perfection as it's not realistic to have your bar set so high.
But perhaps I have been answering my own questions and I already knew what needed to be done and perhaps I was just looking for some kind of confirmation..

PS:
I honestly cannot wait until I have children, but I refuse to have any children in this kind of unstable relationship.

Erindipitous

The best advice you will ever receive:

YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE A MAN. No matter how much you want to, a person won't make a change unless they want that change in their life.

100% truth. I wasted 5.5 years trying to change someone. Moving on was the healthiest and smartest thing I ever did.