How/Should I tell an alcoholic if he is an alcoholic?

fenrirGrey

I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.

The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.

From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.

If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.

Edit: Editing here so others wont have to dig through the conversation.

Like I said ignoring it is not an option for me personally. It is like knowing your sister's husband is alcoholic and not doing anything about it.

They have a 4 year old kid who the father loves more than anything. I know they don't have an abusive environment and I know the husband really respects my friend. He tries to do his best to hide it from his wife. He travels a lot for work so it is pretty easy for him to hide it.

They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.

Edit 2:

Again for reasons I cannot explain, I *KNOW* he drinks a lot. I *DON'T* know if he is an alcoholic. I'm being black and white here to get the right advice. I'm not interpreting things based on my interpretations.

The reason why I want to talk is I think he will listen to me. He is quite level headed otherwise and often comes to me for investment advice. But even so our relationship is more professional than friendly - if it makes sense. Also, I couldn't possibly live with myself if something ever happened to him/his family/my friend. Yes, I know whatever I do is probably not going to change that. But if there is a 1% chance that me bringing it up might be the thing that embarrasses (for lack of a better word) him into considering reducing his drinking, I'd much rather take it.

I like the advice of telling my friend that this could be a problem but to deal with it by showing him love and support instead of fighting.

Like I mentioned, unlike what is more common, this relationship still has a lot of respect for each other. So I think if my friend showed genuine care and concern it might turn him around.

eksb

http://www.al-anon.org/

A great resource to help friends and families of loved ones with drinking problems. Talk with them first.

mfpcopine

I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.

The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.

From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.

If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.

You won't want to hear this, but I would leave it alone. If they've had "numerous fights" in the past, your friend obviously does know her husband has a problem. Not much you can do, except offer support when asked and pray there's no train wreck. If you intervene, they may very well turn on you in a sign of co-dependent marital solidarity.

Boomer1946

Please check out this article, "How can I help my problem drinker quit drinking?" at the link below.

http://www.al-anon.org/how-can-i-help-my-problem-drinker-quit-drinking

Scubanana7

If you are willing to lose the friendship and feel compelled to do what you think is right, then say something.

However, don't hold your breath. It's good to have hope, just don't be disappointed when nothing changes.

I am truly an expert.....from life. My first husband was an alcoholic. He wasn't when I married him and it took years for him to turn into a full-blown alcholic. We were young and partying and having a great time. After 9 years of marriage, he drank more and more. I got sick and tired of the bar scene and stopped going. He still went. Then 3 years later when I finally decided to leave, I ended up pregnant after years and years of fertility drugs had failed.....so I stayed longer. I had another child 2 years later. I made him go to rehab twice because of the kids. It never lasted more than 4 months. I finally decided that my babies would not grow up in that house, so we divorced. I never could do it for me, but I did it for them. Howver, he could not stop drinking for himself, for me, or for his precious daughters.

I'm sad to say, he drank himself to death less than 4 years after the divorce at the young age of 46. His daughters were 5 and 7. They never knew him.

I don't know if any good will come of your concern...but you are a good person to try. I hope their story has a happier ending.

Please send me a message as to what you decide and what happens. This story hit a very sad place in my heart.

victoria4321

You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.

konalove3

"You won't want to hear this, but I would leave it alone. If they've had "numerous fights" in the past, your friend obviously does know her husband has a problem. Not much you can do, except offer support when asked and pray there's no train wreck. If you intervene, they may very well turn on you in a sign of co-dependent marital solidarity."

this is very true. just be there for your friend and offer support. are you friends with her husband at all? offer to go play basketball, golf, hiking..whatever youre into with him sometime. it could turn into a regular thing and you may be the perfect distraction to get him into a healthier lifestyle. everyone, especially a new parent can need an outlet sometimes, encourage him to engage in healthy activities.

RuthSweetTooth

A friend who cares would try to help. Best wishes, your comments may not be appreciated. But you can still try.

Ruth

Scubanana7

You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.

a little heartless? maybe minding your own business is truly good advice...but that just sounded mean.

tmauck4472

You can let your friend know you are there for them, but even being that close and even family will not appreciate you getting involved. Just be there for your friend and make sure they know you will be there for them. But they have to figure it out on their own and you will only give more drama. You should just stay out of it

fenrirGrey

I've edited the first message with more information

shellebelle87

Sounds like you barely know the guy, so keep quiet. Don't cause drama.

An alcoholic never wants to hear they have a problem, until they are ready to admit it to themselves.

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

You won't want to hear this, but I would leave it alone. If they've had "numerous fights" in the past, your friend obviously does know her husband has a problem. Not much you can do, except offer support when asked and pray there's no train wreck. If you intervene, they may very well turn on you in a sign of co-dependent marital solidarity.

Very much this ^^^

I know that they're like a family to you but even among real family members there is also a time when you simply just have to leave them alone. Also its useless to put someone into a rehab when that person isn't ready to do it. Only that person can change himself & no one else, not even his wife.

That is also somewhat similar to losing weight wherein if you're not ready to give up your old habits then nothing will happen.

Hayesgang

You should probably mind your own business.

It's none of your business!!!

Until someone is ready to admit they are an Alcoholic and hit THEIR rock bottom nothing anyone says will convince them they are.

EDIT: Trust me I know from personal experience. He's not hiding it too well if you know and if she lives with him she knows the full extent of his drinking.

Dimplybutt

You can let your friend know you are there for them, but even being that close and even family will not appreciate you getting involved. Just be there for your friend and make sure they know you will be there for them. But they have to figure it out on their own and you will only give more drama. You should just stay out of it

I agree with this.

Don't kid yourself into thinking your friend doesn't realize he's an alcoholic, he knows. Alcoholics know they are what they are just as other addicts do ... but until THEY are ready to face the problem (and/or accept that there is a problem) and fix it, your concerned words could end up falling on deaf ears or he could turn defensive and cut you out of his life where you won't be able to help on any level. :ohwell:

vestarocks

From experience I don't know if you can help them. An alcoholic doesn't want to hear from anyone that they are an alcoholic and your friend knows and chooses to stay. All you can do is be a good friend to her. You can't fix the situation for them. Trust me. I've tried and failed. It is heart-breaking and sad.

Best of luck to you. You are obviously a good friend.

fenrirGrey

You can let your friend know you are there for them, but even being that close and even family will not appreciate you getting involved. Just be there for your friend and make sure they know you will be there for them. But they have to figure it out on their own and you will only give more drama. You should just stay out of it

I agree with this.

Don't kid yourself into thinking your friend doesn't realize he's an alcoholic, he knows. Alcoholics know they are what they are just as other addicts do ... but until THEY are ready to face the problem (and/or accept that there is a problem) and fix it, your concerned words could end up falling on deaf ears or he could turn defensive and cut you out of his life where you won't be able to help on any level. :ohwell:

this helps, thank you!

Pocket_Pixi

Has your friend thought about al-anon? I know it was a really big help for me when I went due to a family member who was an alcoholic. If she hasn't maybe talk to her and encourage her to even just go to their website and see there is a lot of information there.

I don't think you should step into it per-say but support your friend, be there and listen and do encourage her to do the right thing for herself and her family.

trblmakr23

unfortunately most people need to hit rock bottom on their own before they realize they have a problem. You can do the tips from al-anon, but they will only see they have an issue when they hit rock bottom. Will be rough road if you push it too much and they don't see it. You might lose the friend first before they realize they have a problem

meghan1789

That's a tough one. I'm in no way an expert, but I agree you can't ignore it. I was watching Dr. Oz one day and something he said really stuck with me.

He said you can't tell a smoker to stop smoking. It won't work. Smoker's already know that smoking is bad for them. So the fact they feel they can't stop makes them feel worse about themselves, which in turn makes them smoke more. It's a vicious cycle. I would assume the same is for any addiction, especially drinking.

Dr. Oz's advice was not to tell them to stop, or give them an ultimatum or anything, but to tell them that you love them and keep reminding them how much they mean to you. You need to give them your full love and support, instead of yelling at them. If you get get mad, they feel even worse that they can't do it. You need to keeping telling them you love them and build up their confidence and self-esteem so that they want to quit and that they know even if they stumble at first, you won't blame them or leave them.

I totally think you can apply that same advice to a drinking problem. I personally think that you need to sit down both your friend and her husband together (without the kids obviously) and begin the conversation and when it's time, leave them alone to talk about it. It shouldn't be all about you - you only need to begin the conversation.

Hope that helps!

Good luck!

YoYo1951

very well said. How do you tell a person they are an alcoholic? They already know. Try the serenity prayer, it works wonders. Don't judge him or her, just be there for them when they turn to you. They have to want to change, or nothing good is gonna happen. What will it take. Only they know what they bottom is. Serenity prayer...wonderful tool to lighten your load:flowerforyou: