How/Should I tell an alcoholic if he is an alcoholic?

petite_boleyn

I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, and I hate to break it to you, but there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to get him to stop drinking. Nothing. It's up to him, and until he makes that choice, you (and everyone else around him) are SOL.

howeclectic

I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.

The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.

From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.

If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.

Edit: Editing here so others wont have to dig through the conversation.

Like I said ignoring it is not an option for me personally. It is like knowing your sister's husband is alcoholic and not doing anything about it.

They have a 4 year old kid who the father loves more than anything. I know they don't have an abusive environment and I know the husband really respects my friend. He tries to do his best to hide it from his wife. He travels a lot for work so it is pretty easy for him to hide it.

They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.

You can perhaps lightly mention it (as in say "hey, do you think your husband might have a problem?"). But only do this if you are prepared to hear the answer "no" or have her change the subject and are capable of accepting that answer. A good friend will accept this answer, remain quiet, and be there for her when things go bad (which they likely will). Trying to push your opinion on her or argueing with her about it will only push her away, make you angry, make her angry, and end the friendship. She will have no one there for her when things go bad (which they likely will). Really.. pushing it like that is more an act of vanity than an act of kindness. Be there with the right things to say when she (or he) is ready to hear them. Sometimes being right at the wrong time is as good as being wrong.

reese66

I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.

The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.

From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.

If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.

Edit: Editing here so others wont have to dig through the conversation.

Like I said ignoring it is not an option for me personally. It is like knowing your sister's husband is alcoholic and not doing anything about it.

They have a 4 year old kid who the father loves more than anything. I know they don't have an abusive environment and I know the husband really respects my friend. He tries to do his best to hide it from his wife. He travels a lot for work so it is pretty easy for him to hide it.

They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.

Coming from someone that could probably drink a sailor under the table if I chose too...

You can't change him, he has to do it himself.
You can't change your friend that is living with someone like that.
You can stage intervention but be prepared to lose them as friends.
You can call family services if you think it's affecting the welfare of the child.


People with alcohol addiction are not easy to change and the people around them can be just as difficult.
I lost my husband to it, since then I know longer drink everyday but I still have Beer:30 on Friday, but not everyone can control it. There are days I just "feel" I need a drink and have to tell myself not today Sunshine, just not going to happen.


I wish you luck in this as it not going to be easy no matter what path you follow.

shellebelle87

. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.


They live in a different state, so hanging out and bonding with him is not really an option either.

How do you know he is an alcoholic? If they live in a different state then you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Dont make assumptions out of some misguided attempt at a good deed.

YoYo1951

bump, interested in seeing where this goes

VelociMama

You should probably mind your own business.

It's none of your business!!!

Until someone is ready to admit they are an Alcoholic and hit THEIR rock bottom nothing anyone says will convince them they are.

EDIT: Trust me I know from personal experience. He's not hiding it too well if you know and if she lives with him she knows the full extent of his drinking.

I'm a former binge drinker, and I can say this is dead on with one caveat. My family staged a sort of "intervention" on me a few years ago where they all confronted me at once and forced me to listen to their concerns. I hated it at first, was in denial about how bad my drinking problem was, but after a week or so of being royally pissed, I realized they were right. I didn't do a treatment program, but I saw a counselor and dealt with a lot of the emotional issues around what was causing me to drink so much, and eventually, I got clean. I'm not 100% sober (well, I am when I'm pregnant clearly), but I have control enough to keep it to 1-2 drinks per week max. No more hard liquor ever. Just beer and wine.

There are really two classifications of alcoholics: those who drink for emotional reasons and those who are physically addicted to alcohol. Those two classifications are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but they were for me.

Long story short, I think you should discuss this with your mutual friends and his family members to see what everyone else thinks and go from there. Trust me, you do NOT want to be the only one saying he's got a problem. That's a recipe for disaster. Good luck to you.

noirnatural

I have a good friend whose husband *seems* to be an alcoholic. I know for a fact that he has downed 4 big bottles of vodka, tequila and whisky in a week. Basically whatever is in the house meant for when friends are over. He has a huge history of drinking. I also know for a fact that he "needs a drink or two" on a daily basis. Although personally I have never seen him drunk (I don't hangout with them much), however I know for a fact that he drinks to a level that is way above normal. Due to reasons I cannot explain, I cannot tell you how I know these for a fact on a public forum. Also, this is not the only time I've tracked his drinking - this is just to give you an idea of what level I'm talking.

The couple has just had a baby and the friend is like family to me. So ignoring the issue is not an option. Now I don't know what the definition of an alcoholic is, but I have no doubt that he is drinking at a rate that might give him serious health issues pretty soon. He is 39 years old.

From the way I see it:
1) I can tell my friend that her husband has a serious drinking problem. I know that they've had numerous fights on this in the past already.
2) I can tell my friend's husband that he should really consider getting into AA as politely as I possibly can and leave it at that.

If any of you have dealt with a similar situation, I could really use some good advice.

You won't want to hear this, but I would leave it alone. If they've had "numerous fights" in the past, your friend obviously does know her husband has a problem. Not much you can do, except offer support when asked and pray there's no train wreck. If you intervene, they may very well turn on you in a sign of co-dependent marital solidarity.

That sounds so much better than what I was thinking...LOL..,, I understand that that is your friend but Alcoholism and family dynamics can be a tricky thing to navigate .on the other hand , just recently a father in our city just killed his 15 year old daughter and severly injured his 11 year old daughter in a drunk driving accident , he had all four of his children with him in that car, this was not his first DUI so I am sure his family and friends knew of the problem BUT I wonder if it would have made a differnce if one concerned friend pushed it...you just never know ......his wife has said publicly she is staying with him...I wonder if she will still be friends with those who speak against him???

monicamk1975

I'm sorry your friend is going through this. I'm sure it's very difficult to watch.

My sister is a full blown alcoholic, and I have to agree with everyone that mentioned that there isn't anything you can do.

We have all tried talking to her, getting her to get help, etc...etc...

Everytime we think she's hit rock bottom, she just keeps sinking lower.

She's now homeless, had her daughter taken from her months ago, and just keeps getting worse.

The thing is, there is nothing we can do to help her. She has to do it for herself, and unfortunately, I don't ever see that happening.

It's an addiction, and sometimes the addiction wins.

If the situation gets out of hand for your friend, all you can do is wait till she gets tired of it and walks away if he doesn't seek help.

All you can do is be there to support her if and when she needs and asks for your help.

I'm sure it's not what you were hoping to hear, and I hope her situation only gets better.

I think it's awesome you're so caring and concerned.

imlik

I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, and I hate to break it to you, but there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to get him to stop drinking. Nothing. It's up to him, and until he makes that choice, you (and everyone else around him) are SOL.

I'm also a recovering alcoholic, and my boyfriend tried to get me to quit drinking for years before I finally admitted to myself that I needed to. Even then, it was kind of an "on-my-own" realization. But in between, we did have a lot of fights about it, and there was a lot of animosity between us--plus, I came close to losing my job a few times, couldn't pay the rent once or twice be cause I spent all my money on alcohol, blacked out a lot, threw up so much I started bursting blood vessels on my face, and I still couldn't admit I had a problem, and needed to stop. I agree with what some people have said; be there for your friend and offer her support, talk about this with her if she wants to, but I wouldn't try an intervention or anything, because that'll probably just embarrass or anger him and totally backfire on you.

Good luck to you, and to them!

kokaneesailor

I'm a alcoholic, If this individual is an alcoholic, they won't want to hear it from anyone within his group of friends.

He has to hit bottom and want help in order to change.

That's the way it goes in our world. The direct approach will generally end up with hurt feelings and resentment.

Pass it on to a professional like it was mentioned in earlier posts is my best advice.


Best Wishes

fenrirGrey

That's a tough one. I'm in no way an expert, but I agree you can't ignore it. I was watching Dr. Oz one day and something he said really stuck with me.

He said you can't tell a smoker to stop smoking. It won't work. Smoker's already know that smoking is bad for them. So the fact they feel they can't stop makes them feel worse about themselves, which in turn makes them smoke more. It's a vicious cycle. I would assume the same is for any addiction, especially drinking.

Dr. Oz's advice was not to tell them to stop, or give them an ultimatum or anything, but to tell them that you love them and keep reminding them how much they mean to you. You need to give them your full love and support, instead of yelling at them. If you get get mad, they feel even worse that they can't do it. You need to keeping telling them you love them and build up their confidence and self-esteem so that they want to quit and that they know even if they stumble at first, you won't blame them or leave them.

I totally think you can apply that same advice to a drinking problem. I personally think that you need to sit down both your friend and her husband together (without the kids obviously) and begin the conversation and when it's time, leave them alone to talk about it. It shouldn't be all about you - you only need to begin the conversation.

Hope that helps!

Good luck!

I think I might take this advice.

Added more in the first post.

Michelle81285

Speaking from experience... until the person them selves will admit that they have a problem they will not listen to anyone else and continue to drink and hide it from everyone...

It took my husband getting an extreme DUI and coming close to losing EVERYTHING before he would admit he had a problem and he still struggles with it every day.

dorothymiriam

We, those who love the alcoholic, cannot tell them. They must hit their bottom and admit their alcoholism themselves.
We can, however, go to Al-Anon meetings to learn to deal with our own insane behavior, and open AA meetings to learn more about the disease of alcoholism. For young people up until the age of 18, there is Alateen. You can find the phone numbers in the regular phone book. I have been a grateful recovering member of Al-Anon for 19+ years, and my husband (who has given me his permission to share this particular info about himself) has been clean and sober in AA for 26 years. It works if you work it. Good luck and blessings from your Higher Power to you as you make your journey.:flowerforyou:

jesusHchris

You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.

Agreed. Do you really think they don't know? Also, the husband isn't even your friend - it is the wife. This is completely not your business, my friend. If it comes from someone, it should be one of his loved ones.

You're not a super hero dude, get a life and stop hating.

fenrirGrey

Stop hating? Really?

Cause I am concerned and seeking the right advice before taking a wrong step, you interpret it as someone not having a life?
More power to you sir.

jesusHchris

You've made up your mind what you are going to do anyway, you're just seeking validation here. I'm not the only one saying you need to butt out.

Do you honestly think you are going to shed light on a situation that your friend is clueless to? Do you have that little faith in the intelligence and perception of them? I think not.

I am suspicious of your motivation.

I also don't really care, but this is a good way to burn 10 minutes while I find something more interesting on TV.

Edit: Against my nature here, but some actual advice. Maybe just make it known to your friend that you understand the situation and you are there for her IF she ever wants to talk about it. More than that and you suck.

fenrirGrey

You've made up your mind what you are going to do anyway, you're just seeking validation here. I'm not the only one saying you need to butt out.

Do you honestly think you are going to shed light on a situation that your friend is clueless to? Do you have that little faith in the intelligence and perception of them? I think not.

I am suspicious of your motivation.

I also don't really care, but this is a good way to burn 10 minutes while I find something more interesting on TV.

Edit: Against my nature here, but some actual advice. Maybe just make it known to your friend that you understand the situation and you are there for her IF she ever wants to talk about it. More than that and you suck.

Oh thank you kind sir.

And I sincerely apologize that I have a difference in opinion.

jesusHchris

Oh thank you kind sir.
And I sincerely apologize that I have a difference in opinion.

You're more than welcome and I accept your apology. You asked for advice right? Or did you just want everyone to agree with you and tell you you are doing the right thing?

I probably need to practice my Internet etiquette but that does not invalidate my opinions.

Also, I am right 100% of the time.

gemiwing

We, those who love the alcoholic, cannot tell them. They must hit their bottom and admit their alcoholism themselves.
We can, however, go to Al-Anon meetings to learn to deal with our own insane behavior, and open AA meetings to learn more about the disease of alcoholism. For young people up until the age of 18, there is Alateen. You can find the phone numbers in the regular phone book. I have been a grateful recovering member of Al-Anon for 19+ years, and my husband (who has given me his permission to share this particular info about himself) has been clean and sober in AA for 26 years. It works if you work it. Good luck and blessings from your Higher Power to you as you make your journey.:flowerforyou:

I agree with what you said here.

To the OP- I would tell your friend you are concerned because that's what you are. Offer your support and then let go and allow them to thrive or fail on their own terms. You can't take this choice from them, they need it in order to grow. If you try to push one way or the other- chances are it won't work out the way you hope.

Be honest about how you feel- share how you're afraid, concerned and feel compelled to help if it's wanted. What I'd try *not* to do is control what anyone else in this situation is doing.

If she doesn't want to go to Al-Anon and he doesn't want AA- you can do nothing about it. If they need ten more years to figure out there's a problem- you can do nothing about it but offer your help if she wants it. Could be the help she wants is something you haven't thought of.

victoria4321

You should probably mind your business and spend more time working on yourself.

a little heartless? maybe minding your own business is truly good advice...but that just sounded mean.

You just agreed by saying it is good advice so aren't you just as heartless? Maybe I should have ended it with a smiley face.

Either way, everyone has some sort of problem or issue in their life. Therefore, the OP should focus on his own problems instead of his friend's husband's problems. I'm pretty sure she is aware of the issue so repeating whats already been heard will probably make them feel worse since now they know everyone notices it. It's kind of like going up to an obese person and saying "Hey...btw...you're pretty fat did you know that?".

I also agree with the guy above who questioned your intentions. It's a little strange that you feel the need to meddle in your friend's marriage.