Husbands that sabotage.

SHBoss1673

Well, I hope you guys don't think ALL husbands are like this!

Even before I started getting healthy, I always tried to support the wife, and was conscious of her needs even if I was eating crappy.

That said, I understand the part about being bothered by him asking to make a meal and then not being hungry, that's at best selfish and at worst a little mean, and I have no problem with you venting about it.

The other part though, about being a team, well... even though that's true, there still has to be areas of your life, as a couple, that you do for yourself. I'm a firm believer in the fact that nobody else will be able to help you lose weight, it's our own responsibility that we have to take and run with. If your husband decides to join you in the journey, GREAT! That means you guys can be a team (as my wife and I are) but I don't think you should rely on them. Basically, IMHO, if your husband doesn't want to participate, there's really nothing you can say to change his mind, he has to want to, but you CAN ask him to move aside and allow you to do it without sulking, insults, jabs, or any other kind of negative attitude towards it. I would also ask for the occational kind word of encouragement, I don't think that's too much to ask.

On the upside, as I've seen on this thread, and many other times on the forums in the past. The best way to get a spouse to join you is to have them see your results. Many times people will see that it's REALLY WORKING and feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

anyway, those are my thoughts.

Best luck to you on this.

havingitall

Well, I hope you guys don't think ALL husbands are like this!

Not all husbands are like that by any stretch of the imagination. My husband is so completely supportive and excited for me as I get healthier. My brother is dong the same for his wife.
I am my husband's biggest cheerleader and he is mine!

cardigirl

I think you had a right to feel disappointed that he didn't eat the dinner he asked you to prepare, but I'm not certain that anger will get you the response you want from him. As others have said, you cannot force him to eat the way you think he should, you are not his mother, and he does not need you to be.

I would have a talk with him about how it makes you feel when he asks you to prepare something and then doesn't eat it. Not confrontational, just use a lot of "I" statements. What he decides to do after that is up to him. And you will have to decide if it's something you can accept from him. If not, then you'll have other decisions to make.

As far as a "team," well again, you cannot force him to behave the way you think he should. You can be disappointed in his behavior, you can use it as an excuse to not do well yourself, or you can focus on yourself and do what you need to do for you to be healthy. Build your own life and he may just choose to follow along.

Hope today is a better day for you. :flowerforyou:

ilike2moveit

Well, I hope you guys don't think ALL husbands are like this!

Even before I started getting healthy, I always tried to support the wife, and was conscious of her needs even if I was eating crappy.

That said, I understand the part about being bothered by him asking to make a meal and then not being hungry, that's at best selfish and at worst a little mean, and I have no problem with you venting about it.

The other part though, about being a team, well... even though that's true, there still has to be areas of your life, as a couple, that you do for yourself. I'm a firm believer in the fact that nobody else will be able to help you lose weight, it's our own responsibility that we have to take and run with. If your husband decides to join you in the journey, GREAT! That means you guys can be a team (as my wife and I are) but I don't think you should rely on them. Basically, IMHO, if your husband doesn't want to participate, there's really nothing you can say to change his mind, he has to want to, but you CAN ask him to move aside and allow you to do it without sulking, insults, jabs, or any other kind of negative attitude towards it. I would also ask for the occational kind word of encouragement, I don't think that's too much to ask.

On the upside, as I've seen on this thread, and many other times on the forums in the past. The best way to get a spouse to join you is to have them see your results. Many times people will see that it's REALLY WORKING and feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

anyway, those are my thoughts.

Best luck to you on this.

Well said. :flowerforyou:

Azdak

It is difficult to remain objective when working with someone with whom you have emotional ties. However, it can be helpful to approach spouses and family with some professional detachment.

Health professionals who deal with behavior change must be constantly aware of an individual's readiness for change. There are 5 accepted stages of "readiness"--precontemplative, contemplative, preparation, action, and maintenance. As you can see, one must get all the way to stage 4 before adopting substantial and consistent behavioral changes.

You can make all the "agreements" and "contracts" you want between yourself and a spouse, yourself and a friend, etc. but if they are not at the "action" stage, they are not going to follow the "rules", and if you are at different stages of readiness, you will be fighting a losing battle--and not the one you want. It's not that they are being "lazy" or "disloyal"--they just aren't ready.

It is important to be aware of where a spouse is on the scale and then come up with strategies that fit that stage of readiness. Sometimes they may move forward, sometimes not.

Think of what caused you to finally move to the "action" stage. Often, it is a significant and personal event. If the spouse did not experience the same event, it will be more difficult for them to change, even if they verbalize agreement.

Another thing is to look at what is going on in the other person's life. They may have job stresses, time demands, etc. that make it more difficult for them to match your new choices. Again, it is a process that may not move in nice regular increments.

On the flip side, the other person should have the same consideration and work as hard to understand and be supportive of YOUR current situation as well. It works both ways.

I think the best thing is to try and be as open, honest, and supportive of each other without being too judgemental. (The issue of him asking you to prepare a specific meal and then filling up before coming home is totally separate from the issue of "sabotage"--that was just rude).

I am a professional and I had to come to grips with this myself this summer. My wife has experienced a similar weight gain as I did over the past 8 years. She teaches school and during the school year it is extremely difficult for her to follow a consistent workout routine during the year with her long hours. Previously, I was working even longer hours, so it was impossible for me to take on more household duties than I was already doing, to free up more time for her. She was very supportive of my weight loss efforts--a little envious, but she was planning on "joining" me when summer hit and getting on a more vigorous program.

Well, it didn't work out that way. She had some things come up during the summer, and also found that the extra weight has affected her knees so that she was not able to exercise as much or as vigorously. In the past, she was able to lose 10-15 lb with mostly increased exercise. Now that was not working. She did not lose one pound during the summer.

She tends to be a lot more rigid in her habits than me. When I lost my job in January, I took over most of the cooking and when I started my weight loss program in March, I REALLY took over the cooking--but that's just dinner. She is one of those people who tends to find reasons why she "can't" change certain habits--as though they were "rules" imposed by an authority figure. For example, she will not switch to sugar-free beverages ("I can't stand the taste"). As a result, she probably consumes 400-600 calories a day purely from sugar (and creamer) in coffee, tea, and soft drinks. She also has problems with portion control and changing the amounts of food from what she was previously eating. As a result, she eats more calories per day than I do, even though I am 45lbs heavier and burning 4x more calories per week in exercise.

Along with her lack of success has come a decreased amount of support for my efforts. She has started making fun of me when I measure out my foods, and "playfully" complaining if I do the same for her. I can no longer publicly acknowledge/celebrate new scale "achievements", because it makes her depressed.

At first, I got kind of mad myself--for awhile I stopped cooking for her--but, again, I had to take a step back and realize that, despite her saying she "wants" to make these changes, she is not ready yet to make them. So I need to find some other strategies and be as supportive as I can (e.g. she is going to start going to the fitness center at the middle school in her district 2 nights a week to lift weights, which means rearranging dinners and me taking on more car pool duties for her daughter's soccer practice).

But, as frustrating as it can be, and we're all human, it is a mistake to think this is easy. Working together on these types of changes can be very rewarding, but it can be very difficult as well. You can't just expect "love" to make it all work out.