Horrible mothers :(
sandown12
Posts: 648 Member
Today my mum really upset me but it's common
She's 62 always looking for a man to settle down with & when she can't get one she takes it out on me
Now being 42 you'd think I would politely tell her to go away until she realises its not my fault
Back in November pre weight loss she did the usual to me
She was talking about a large women , I said how large was this women tbh I didn't know why she had to mention her size she said oh very large like you but larger!!! I had that many times.
Not now
Today she got real nasty over something really small thus made me cry as its all the time, I lived away for 15 years came back she hadn't changed
How do I simply tell her she's got to stop it as its not my fault she can't meet a guy ?
She's 62 always looking for a man to settle down with & when she can't get one she takes it out on me
Now being 42 you'd think I would politely tell her to go away until she realises its not my fault
Back in November pre weight loss she did the usual to me
She was talking about a large women , I said how large was this women tbh I didn't know why she had to mention her size she said oh very large like you but larger!!! I had that many times.
Not now
Today she got real nasty over something really small thus made me cry as its all the time, I lived away for 15 years came back she hadn't changed
How do I simply tell her she's got to stop it as its not my fault she can't meet a guy ?
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Replies
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I can relate. I have a mother who is unhappy with her life and blames me for it.. .almost every day. I've worked so hard on my education and all areas of life to try to please her, and it's disappointing that nothing I do ever makes her happy. It's always a focus on the negative.
A while ago I went to counseling. Although I know she is unhappy because of her negative attitude on life, it helped to hear someone independent reaffirm that it's not me. I've realized that I just need to live for myself and my son, while doing my best to support her emotionally. I wish I could help her find more joy, but I can't.
I usually stay strong, but there are days when this relationship gets me down. Staying healthy helps!
My only advice would be to possibly withdraw from her for a while, so that she doesn't have you as a punching bag. Maybe that would give her a chance to think about what she is doing?0 -
distance yourself from her.0
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I know she's your mom, and that makes it hard...but stay away...no point in letting someone else bring you down n talk crap to you..mom or not.0
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I have a different point of view.
My mom's been dead for 5 years now and I'd give ANYTHING to have her back here with me...even annoying me.
I didn't really appreciate her motherly concern when she was alive and now that she is gone, I truly miss it.
That's all.0 -
Oh man! I am so sorry to hear this!
I think you should distance from her for a bit. You need positive influences in your life. If she calls I would tell her you are busy and will have to call her later. You do not deserve to be her punching back.
I dont know the whole story, but maybe she has issues and men are finding that unattractive. Keep on trucking! you can do this and there are alot of people here to help you.0 -
Wow....this is a hard one! I had a toxic mother too. She gloated when I fell on my face, and never failed to point out how amazing my brother was! I would go for months without talking to her, she would do something nice, and I would be sucked right back in.
Unfortunately there is nothing that will change this. The best I could ever do was realize that although she loved me, there was something about me that she felt the need to pick at all of the time. I tried to please her until the day she died. I would just withdraw to lick my wounds, and gather strength to go near her again.
I'm sorry that it is like that for you. I fear that this is a common thing between mothers and daughters....sad! Keep your chin up and realize that whatever she says or does to you, does not define who you are! xo0 -
agree!I have a different point of view.
My mom's been dead for 5 years now and I'd give ANYTHING to have her back here with me...even annoying me.
I didn't really appreciate her motherly concern when she was alive and now that she is gone, I truly miss it.
That's all.0 -
Personally, I would be blunt with her. She's an adult, you're an adult. Just because you're her daughter doesn't mean you can't be honest with her when she's being a pain in the *kitten*. If you don't want that can of worms, just distance yourself from her. Don't take her calls as often or cut them short, assertively change the subject if she's adamant, and basically just don't give her the room to make drama. You can love her, still be in her life, and so on without having to take her childish behavior.
I'm 22, I live with my mother still and we have a fairly good understanding of what subjects don't get brought up because we know the other won't like it or will be hurt but sometimes there's stuff I'll say or she'll say that slips out and we let each other know that's not something we want to hear or discuss. My mother's subject vice tends to be race, she's going to be 64 in August, and I tend to have to say something along the lines of, "mom, please stop. We've had this discussion." She may not like it, but it's a respected thing.
I'm not saying be a jerk to your mom, lord knows I wouldn't, but she's saying stuff that bothers you and continually bringing up subjects that frankly you can't do anything about so why should you hear about them. If she wants to whine, let her do it with friends or whoever else she talks to besides you. You weren't born to be her shoulder, her pin cushion, and her therapist.0 -
The only thing you can control in the situation is you. You cannot change her, or make her situation different. Some people in your life have limitations. Some people, who happen to be family, are not what they should be in your life. You can let the limitiaions upset you and control your feelings. Or you can accept that that's the way they are, and love them anyway. Or eliminate that person from your life.
It would be so great if we could make the people who are supossed to love and support us the most be the people we need them to be. But we just can't.
YOU are the only person you can control.....don't let ANYONE ever steal your sunshine!0 -
I have a different point of view.
My mom's been dead for 5 years now and I'd give ANYTHING to have her back here with me...even annoying me.
I didn't really appreciate her motherly concern when she was alive and now that she is gone, I truly miss it.
That's all.
This is how I feel too. My mom was a horrible alcoholic and we fought a lot, but I would still give anything to have her back.
What are some good things about your mother? Maybe try to find the positive things about her and see if that helps.0 -
Sorry to hear about this
My mother has always told me that I am too ugly and fat for anyone to love, even when I was not fat!! As her daughter I still try to think about her and her feelings and for some reason allow her to continue with it. My mechanism has been to become far more successful than she could have dreamed of, but then, she just reminds me, every week that I am single and loveless... Given that I AM still single, well...
I tend to leave the country for long stints through my career to avoid her... looks like you might be in a similar boat, am so sorry :frown:0 -
I think sometimes you just have to decide to love people for who they are and not who you want them to be. If figure if I can block out some of my son's music as white noise, then I can "white noise" negativity too
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Wow, pack up and GO!
Get out.
Send her an x-mas and mother's day card from somewhere far.
Cry at her funeral.
And enjoy life in-between.
Good Luck0 -
I can relate. I have a mother who is unhappy with her life and blames me for it.. .almost every day. I've worked so hard on my education and all areas of life to try to please her, and it's disappointing that nothing I do ever makes her happy. It's always a focus on the negative.
A while ago I went to counseling. Although I know she is unhappy because of her negative attitude on life, it helped to hear someone independent reaffirm that it's not me. I've realized that I just need to live for myself and my son, while doing my best to support her emotionally. I wish I could help her find more joy, but I can't.
I usually stay strong, but there are days when this relationship gets me down. Staying healthy helps!
My only advice would be to possibly withdraw from her for a while, so that she doesn't have you as a punching bag. Maybe that would give her a chance to think about what she is doing?
^^ Very good advice. If she keeps making these comments to you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get some distance between yourself and her. If you think you can, sit down with her and tell how these comments make you feel. In my case, I wrote my mother a letter that included everything that bothered me. She got upset, like I knew she would, so I was able to give her the letter before she stormed out. Everytime after that, when she tried to drag me back in, I'd say, "Read the letter." We had no contact for several months/years. That was over 7 years ago. I have a distant relationship with her now, where we can tolerate each other. But she can't hurt me anymore.
Only you know what's best for you and your mother. If this is bothering you, I highly recommend counseling to help you decide what to do. It was a godsend for me. Good luck!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Just distancing yourself doesn't do much for you or her unless you let her know what's going on with you. You need to let her know (even if she won't hear it, it's important for you to verbalize it) what her behavior comes across as to you, how you feel about it, and that if she isn't willing to change you'll have to be less available to her. It may not change her behavior at all. But it will help you do what you need to do, knowing that there's no misunderstanding.
Good luck to you.0 -
I'm of the type that says cut her off. My mother is certifiably insane. She's a hoarder, paranoid, cruel, abusive and all sorts of terrible things. Always told me how awful I was in comparison to my older sister. My older sister was a carbon copy of my mother. I moved out at 18, I am now 26 and I am so glad I made that choice. Yes, it's hard not to have a mother to support me and love me and be there for me, and I for her. But, *my* mother isn't capable of that so she might as well already be dead. If your mother is really *that* toxic you need to weigh if the damage she does is greater than the positives she brings into your life and decide from there what level o relationship (if any) you want to have with her.0
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Today my mum really upset me but it's common
She's 62 always looking for a man to settle down with & when she can't get one she takes it out on me
Now being 42 you'd think I would politely tell her to go away until she realises its not my fault
Back in November pre weight loss she did the usual to me
She was talking about a large women , I said how large was this women tbh I didn't know why she had to mention her size she said oh very large like you but larger!!! I had that many times.
Not now
Today she got real nasty over something really small thus made me cry as its all the time, I lived away for 15 years came back she hadn't changed
How do I simply tell her she's got to stop it as its not my fault she can't meet a guy ?
If your Mom is not the type of person that looks inside and values personal growth, then don't try to convince her that YOU are Valuable. VALUE YOURSELF, tell her that she OFFENDS You and HOW she Offends you AND that if she does not stop or consider how you feel, then You will not be coming around very much anymore. STOP trying to make someone Value You who does not have the capacity or inclination to do so; she Values "A Man" so let them take care of her in her old age! There is NO law (Spiritual, Moral or otherwise) that says "we" have to be around or take care of parents-ESPECIALLY ROTTEN Parents! We just need to respect them, and if they don't respect us>>>Move On!0 -
if she talks to you that way, i cant imagine what she says to them! lol no wonder no man wants her!0
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I don't know this feeling but my fiance does. She is hell towards him ever since his father died when he was 9 years old. It was always about her and he got no support. She turns to alcohol, random men and verbally abused him for several years. When I came along I saw the brunt of it, he was about to choose the same death as his father. I get called fat, many cruel words and yelled at by her. I can't even stand being in the same room with her for what she has done to me and my fiance. She also turns her hate towards him because he is so much like his father, it's just so so sad to see. I don't want anything to do with her, ever. I will make nice for him but thats as far as I will go.
It just won't get better unless she is ready.. Ready to be a mother. She is certainly more wrapped up in her own life than her daughters, and that is just so sad... I hope it gets better for you.0 -
I can relate. I have a mother who is unhappy with her life and blames me for it.. .almost every day. I've worked so hard on my education and all areas of life to try to please her, and it's disappointing that nothing I do ever makes her happy. It's always a focus on the negative.
A while ago I went to counseling. Although I know she is unhappy because of her negative attitude on life, it helped to hear someone independent reaffirm that it's not me. I've realized that I just need to live for myself and my son, while doing my best to support her emotionally. I wish I could help her find more joy, but I can't.
I usually stay strong, but there are days when this relationship gets me down. Staying healthy helps!
My only advice would be to possibly withdraw from her for a while, so that she doesn't have you as a punching bag. Maybe that would give her a chance to think about what she is doing?
THIS.
My husband's mother is toxic to the core. We've tried everything to help her see that her negativity is just pushing us away. However, she can't see that she is doing anything wrong and thinks that we are just "being too sensitive" or "nit picking". Unfortunately, she wasn't present at our wedding and has missed nearly two years of her son's life. She simply wont change and we can't have that kind of a strain on our marriage. This may sound selfish, but I just like myself too much to put up with it. We are happier and stronger together than we have ever been. My advice is life is too short to deal with anyone who doesn't want the best for you, even if it is a parent. Walk away, and hopefully in time she (and my MIL) will see the error of her ways.0 -
My mother always felt she needed to be married or she was an unsuccessful woman - it was how she was raised, I suppose. She made so many choices that meant traumatic suffering for us, her children, as well as herself. I believe she was repeating a behavior she learned from her own mother and never understood what she was teaching us, her kids, to go to her grave swearing that she'd fallen on an icy sidewalk and THAT was how she broke her back.
Thing is - she died when I was 10. I would much rather have had the challenge of helping her discover her own worth, even if it had meant drama and strife and an emotional roller coaster. I miss her every day.
We live in a world where everything is disposable - even relationships, if I understand some of these responses. I don't agree that anybody is disposable, least of all your mom. You have something to help her learn. In the process, you have something to learn about yourself.
I *highly* recommend the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" - and I hope you and your mom find the way to developing a healthy relationship together.0 -
Today my mum really upset me but it's common
She's 62 always looking for a man to settle down with & when she can't get one she takes it out on me
Now being 42 you'd think I would politely tell her to go away until she realises its not my fault
Back in November pre weight loss she did the usual to me
She was talking about a large women , I said how large was this women tbh I didn't know why she had to mention her size she said oh very large like you but larger!!! I had that many times.
Not now
Today she got real nasty over something really small thus made me cry as its all the time, I lived away for 15 years came back she hadn't changed
How do I simply tell her she's got to stop it as its not my fault she can't meet a guy ?
Your mother is wrong. You are of infinite worth.
Someone I respect a great deal frequently recommends the book Boundaries which is supposed to help a great deal with issues like this. Here is the description that I found on Amazon.
Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator -- Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: - Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren't boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.0 -
Personally, I would be blunt with her. She's an adult, you're an adult. Just because you're her daughter doesn't mean you can't be honest with her when she's being a pain in the *kitten*. If you don't want that can of worms, just distance yourself from her. Don't take her calls as often or cut them short, assertively change the subject if she's adamant, and basically just don't give her the room to make drama. You can love her, still be in her life, and so on without having to take her childish behavior.
I'm 22, I live with my mother still and we have a fairly good understanding of what subjects don't get brought up because we know the other won't like it or will be hurt but sometimes there's stuff I'll say or she'll say that slips out and we let each other know that's not something we want to hear or discuss. My mother's subject vice tends to be race, she's going to be 64 in August, and I tend to have to say something along the lines of, "mom, please stop. We've had this discussion." She may not like it, but it's a respected thing.
I'm not saying be a jerk to your mom, lord knows I wouldn't, but she's saying stuff that bothers you and continually bringing up subjects that frankly you can't do anything about so why should you hear about them. If she wants to whine, let her do it with friends or whoever else she talks to besides you. You weren't born to be her shoulder, her pin cushion, and her therapist.
I wish i could double quote, the ones who have lost their mother's as well.
Here's my twist on it.
1. You do need to be assertive with her. You may or may not need an extended time out. I did w my Mom, but that kinda made things worse. what we do now is cut the phone call off. Mom, we'll have to agree to disagree, or something like that. Mom, that really hurts, I'm going to go now. Or simply I've got to go now.
2. Time on earth is precious. We never know how long we;ll have our Mom's. we love them, sometimes we hate them. Try to get some counceling if needed. You need to know you are good! And stay strong! But no one is with us forever. My hubby had a massive stroke a few years back. Now I have to deal with his Mom's ugly behavior, but since I have begun sticking up for myself, she is much better. I have had to treat her like a bully, courage and strength be with you! they don't really want a fight! But many times, silence is golden. Say your peace and walk away until they can behave.
Hope this helps you! God Bless0 -
My mom is down right nutty at times. And my husband's mom is really wacky too but not as bad. Just enough to only handle it for short periods of time.
Even with those things... they are ALIVE. Learn from your parents. Even if it's what NOT to do. Be a good positive influence and enjoy your time spent with them on Earth. You'll regret the time you took away when they are gone.0 -
My mom can be nasty, smug and arrogant when she has a hair across her *kitten*.
Around the time I hit my teenage years I started going back at her when she started. The funny thing is she tries to use the silent treatment as punishment. So what im saying is never mind th honor thy mother crap, you're a full grown woman and respect is a 2 way street. Tell her off when she starts and sooner or later she'll smarten up.0 -
Get caller ID.
or try:
"If that was meant to hurt my feeling...it worked"
"Wow Mom, kinda mean"
"Did I hear you right?"
"I'm going to hang up now, this conversation is making me question who I am"
I watched an old Oprah today, she had a gal on talking about 'Toxic Relationships' VERY INTERESTING.0 -
i feel your pain believe you me, my mother did the exact same thing when i was living with her. Everything that went wrong with her life was my fault, no matter how illogical the situation. It wasnt until i moved out and started living with my dad that i got some distance from her. Honestly there is really nothing you can do about her behaviour, best thing for you is to just keep away from her.0
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I agree to distance yourself from her when she is like that. Or if she start tearing into you over things, politely put a stop to it and ask her not to speak to you that way and that you'd rather not discuss certain things. She may not realize exactly how much she is hurting you. Therapy can be beneficial for you too. Even though she is your mother and I believe in respecting your parents, if she is toxic and is verbally/emotionally abusive, you will have to cut the cord to an extent and take a step back.0
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I would say that she is unhappy with her life and has to blame it on someone. If she were to accept responsibility for her own actions, she might actually have to do something to solve the problems. I would tell her that the way she treats you is unacceptable and that you deserve to be treated better. After you explain the way you feel, when you get into a situation where she starts in on you, get up, tell her you love her, and then leave. Leave her with herself. Come back at a later time and try again. We all have toxic people in our lives. Sure we love them, but that does not mean that we have to stick around when they start treating us like crap. We deserve to be happy. Life is too short to wallow in misery. You know the old saying, misery loves company.... Mom sounds miserable and if she is mean to you....you are miserable too. Good luck. I wish you the best!!!!0
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I have a similar situation with my mother but, this yr was the year i sat her down and explain to her that i will no longer be tolerating the behavior she is spilling over into my life. I told her she has hers and i have my own..now if she needs me i am always here but as far as her taking other people mistakes and BS out on me i will no longer tolerate it..sometimes a great deal of distance can fix short term problems but at the same time u need to sit down with her and explain to her just how u feel.0
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