Horrible mothers :(

DataBased

My mother always felt she needed to be married or she was an unsuccessful woman - it was how she was raised, I suppose. She made so many choices that meant traumatic suffering for us, her children, as well as herself. I believe she was repeating a behavior she learned from her own mother and never understood what she was teaching us, her kids, to go to her grave swearing that she'd fallen on an icy sidewalk and THAT was how she broke her back.

Thing is - she died when I was 10. I would much rather have had the challenge of helping her discover her own worth, even if it had meant drama and strife and an emotional roller coaster. I miss her every day.

We live in a world where everything is disposable - even relationships, if I understand some of these responses. I don't agree that anybody is disposable, least of all your mom. You have something to help her learn. In the process, you have something to learn about yourself.

I *highly* recommend the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" - and I hope you and your mom find the way to developing a healthy relationship together.

FittingIn

Today my mum really upset me but it's common

She's 62 always looking for a man to settle down with & when she can't get one she takes it out on me

Now being 42 you'd think I would politely tell her to go away until she realises its not my fault

Back in November pre weight loss she did the usual to me
She was talking about a large women , I said how large was this women tbh I didn't know why she had to mention her size she said oh very large like you but larger!!! I had that many times.
Not now

Today she got real nasty over something really small thus made me cry as its all the time, I lived away for 15 years came back she hadn't changed

How do I simply tell her she's got to stop it as its not my fault she can't meet a guy ?

Your mother is wrong. You are of infinite worth.

Someone I respect a great deal frequently recommends the book Boundaries which is supposed to help a great deal with issues like this. Here is the description that I found on Amazon.

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator -- Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: - Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren't boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.

Suzannejl

Personally, I would be blunt with her. She's an adult, you're an adult. Just because you're her daughter doesn't mean you can't be honest with her when she's being a pain in the *kitten*. If you don't want that can of worms, just distance yourself from her. Don't take her calls as often or cut them short, assertively change the subject if she's adamant, and basically just don't give her the room to make drama. You can love her, still be in her life, and so on without having to take her childish behavior.

I'm 22, I live with my mother still and we have a fairly good understanding of what subjects don't get brought up because we know the other won't like it or will be hurt but sometimes there's stuff I'll say or she'll say that slips out and we let each other know that's not something we want to hear or discuss. My mother's subject vice tends to be race, she's going to be 64 in August, and I tend to have to say something along the lines of, "mom, please stop. We've had this discussion." She may not like it, but it's a respected thing.

I'm not saying be a jerk to your mom, lord knows I wouldn't, but she's saying stuff that bothers you and continually bringing up subjects that frankly you can't do anything about so why should you hear about them. If she wants to whine, let her do it with friends or whoever else she talks to besides you. You weren't born to be her shoulder, her pin cushion, and her therapist.

I wish i could double quote, the ones who have lost their mother's as well.

Here's my twist on it.

1. You do need to be assertive with her. You may or may not need an extended time out. I did w my Mom, but that kinda made things worse. what we do now is cut the phone call off. Mom, we'll have to agree to disagree, or something like that. Mom, that really hurts, I'm going to go now. Or simply I've got to go now.

2. Time on earth is precious. We never know how long we;ll have our Mom's. we love them, sometimes we hate them. Try to get some counceling if needed. You need to know you are good! And stay strong! But no one is with us forever. My hubby had a massive stroke a few years back. Now I have to deal with his Mom's ugly behavior, but since I have begun sticking up for myself, she is much better. I have had to treat her like a bully, courage and strength be with you! they don't really want a fight! But many times, silence is golden. Say your peace and walk away until they can behave.

Hope this helps you! God Bless

Ocarina

My mom is down right nutty at times. And my husband's mom is really wacky too but not as bad. Just enough to only handle it for short periods of time.

Even with those things... they are ALIVE. Learn from your parents. Even if it's what NOT to do. Be a good positive influence and enjoy your time spent with them on Earth. You'll regret the time you took away when they are gone.

cmeade20

My mom can be nasty, smug and arrogant when she has a hair across her *kitten*.
Around the time I hit my teenage years I started going back at her when she started. The funny thing is she tries to use the silent treatment as punishment. So what im saying is never mind th honor thy mother crap, you're a full grown woman and respect is a 2 way street. Tell her off when she starts and sooner or later she'll smarten up.

MindyG150

Get caller ID.

or try:

"If that was meant to hurt my feeling...it worked"
"Wow Mom, kinda mean"
"Did I hear you right?"
"I'm going to hang up now, this conversation is making me question who I am"

I watched an old Oprah today, she had a gal on talking about 'Toxic Relationships' VERY INTERESTING.

Kagemori

i feel your pain believe you me, my mother did the exact same thing when i was living with her. Everything that went wrong with her life was my fault, no matter how illogical the situation. It wasnt until i moved out and started living with my dad that i got some distance from her. Honestly there is really nothing you can do about her behaviour, best thing for you is to just keep away from her.

zaithyr

I agree to distance yourself from her when she is like that. Or if she start tearing into you over things, politely put a stop to it and ask her not to speak to you that way and that you'd rather not discuss certain things. She may not realize exactly how much she is hurting you. Therapy can be beneficial for you too. Even though she is your mother and I believe in respecting your parents, if she is toxic and is verbally/emotionally abusive, you will have to cut the cord to an extent and take a step back.

sunnie326

I would say that she is unhappy with her life and has to blame it on someone. If she were to accept responsibility for her own actions, she might actually have to do something to solve the problems. I would tell her that the way she treats you is unacceptable and that you deserve to be treated better. After you explain the way you feel, when you get into a situation where she starts in on you, get up, tell her you love her, and then leave. Leave her with herself. Come back at a later time and try again. We all have toxic people in our lives. Sure we love them, but that does not mean that we have to stick around when they start treating us like crap. We deserve to be happy. Life is too short to wallow in misery. You know the old saying, misery loves company.... Mom sounds miserable and if she is mean to you....you are miserable too. Good luck. I wish you the best!!!!

Pwettiegrrltynk39_43_58

I have a similar situation with my mother but, this yr was the year i sat her down and explain to her that i will no longer be tolerating the behavior she is spilling over into my life. I told her she has hers and i have my own..now if she needs me i am always here but as far as her taking other people mistakes and BS out on me i will no longer tolerate it..sometimes a great deal of distance can fix short term problems but at the same time u need to sit down with her and explain to her just how u feel.

sandown12

Thankyou everyone for all your replies and help

I do realise one day she may be gone before me but that can't excuse her behaviour

She grew up in a not great family married my father at 17 who was a violent alcoholic
They divorced when I was 11 she married a strange man divorced him when I was 22 then she married her last husband in 2000 he's nice she kept chucking him out she divorced him this year but they separated 4 years ago.

2 years ago she was seeing a guy who was also in contact with other ladies on the net she found out took it out on me & my children her grandchildren said she doesn't want us in her life ever again even sending my then 13 year old a message on FACEBOOK !! Saying she will never see us again etc!!!!

This is what it's like, if I tell her how I feel I get " you & your brother have always thought about me as a terrible mother, I've never done enough for you" shouting at us.

I grew up watching my father beat my mother daily
When he was gone she'd leave me at aged 11 alone whilst sge'd go to the pub to meet guys then when I was 13-16 I was allowed to do as I like, go out till 3am shed say just make sure you take your shoes off so the neighbours can't hear you coming home.
Then at 16 she had husband troubles I had a boyfriend so was with him alot I got home one day my clothes were in black sacks & bed stripped she told me to get out!
So I did
I moved 100 miles away, when my marriage ended I married an alcoholic I stayed with her until the place I was moving into was ready I meet a new guy (9 years ago) with him now and she packed my clothes into black binbags like 16 years previous told me to get out.

There's so much of this and I really can't tell her how it is as she will flip and she just pops in all the time without saying so distancing is impossible , we are meant to meet for coffee tomorrow I will say I can't but I feel even if I tell her how it is she will get worse as I did 2 years ago.

Thanks for all your help x

margo36

I'm 63 and my Mother is 83. Everytime I visit my Mother she usually comes out with something like " you have put on weight " or " you are fatter than your sisters ". after these remarks normally feeds me a fat and salt loaded meal and tries feed me cake ????
when I was younger she uesd to come out with remarks like " if you don't lose weight you will never get a man ".
As for getting a man I was happily married for 35 years until my husband died and have been in a happy relationship for nearly 4 yrs despite my Mother's predictions.
I have learn't to ignore these remarks many years ago because for some reason Mother's think it is Okay to say what ever they want to you.

deadbeatsummer

I have a different point of view.

My mom's been dead for 5 years now and I'd give ANYTHING to have her back here with me...even annoying me.

I didn't really appreciate her motherly concern when she was alive and now that she is gone, I truly miss it.

That's all.

Agree, I lost my mum just after my 21st birthday - a year and a half ago. We fought like cat and dog through my teen years but it kills me not to see her now to make it better.

glovepuppet

dog training works on toddlers and adult toddlers too.
when she's a *****, smile and tell her you're going as you leave.
next time you see her, act like nothing happened.
every time she starts to question your weight or, indeed, you walking out then just get up and leave.
eventually she'll twig that the only way to have a conversation is to behave respectfully.

don't ask me how many times i hung up on my mother! but it works.
and it's for her own good. a happy relationship is better for her too.