Am I being unreasonable??

24

Replies

  • chica23GK
    chica23GK Posts: 100 Member
    You nagged, and got your way.
    Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:

    It's a guy thing - lol :D
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
    You nagged, and got your way.
    Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:

    Fairly uncalled for. If she wants to take up the rare opportunity to spend time with her family then I wouldn't call this nagging. Specially since the friend is overstaying his welcome
    I just thank God I married a lady who always gave me the space I needed when it came to my friends.
    We've been together 30 years, married 29, and this would never have even come up.
    When her stupid parents come in, they stay at the Residence Inn, and I show my face for a quick "hello" during dinner, then pop off to whatever I was doing.
    Too much togetherness is what ruins marriages.
    Anyway, that's his bed, and he has to live with this mess.
    I just can't relate, but good luck with it all.
  • KaidaKantri
    KaidaKantri Posts: 401
    You nagged, and got your way.
    Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:

    Relationships aren't about victories. AT ALL. They are about making compromises that satisfies everyone.
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    I was brought up with the belief that family came first. Considering the time stretch between you seeing your parents and the fact your dad has cancer and may well never get a second trip, that trumps his best friend even without playing the "family first" card. Your circumstances are more complicated than his since he and this friend get to screw around here there and yonder all the time. And besides that, if you have a child together shouldn't your child know his maternal grandparents before it's too late?

    Personally I don't like slamming other people's spouses just from one side but what you've laid out is pretty cut and dry and it's obvious he's being a petulant, whiny child. Some guys never grow out of that when it comes to what they want to do or their friends. I know someone else mentioned the friend go sleep in a hotel while your dad is there and I agree that perhaps alternate arrangements should be made as perhaps a compromise to the situation. Your husband might be bitter over it, but he'd be less so than if you told the friend to pack up and ship out.
  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
    You nagged, and got your way.
    Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:

    Resident troll, I presume? That or your sarcasm's just a tad too thick, like corn syrup.
  • annahiven
    annahiven Posts: 177 Member
    Well, I would personally try and make room for all, and I would never be upset with my partner for seeing a friend that he just gets to see once a YEAR... especially not if it had been planned for a while and just happened to overlap for a day and a half. There is always room for everybody, as long as there is room on the floor for a mattress, isn't there?

    But that's just me.
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
    Well, I would personally try and make room for all, and I would never be upset with my partner for seeing a friend that he just gets to see once a YEAR... especially not if it had been planned for a while and just happened to overlap for a day and a half. There is always room for everybody, as long as there is room on the floor for a mattress, isn't there?

    But that's just me.
    Thank You :drinker:
    Not every wife is out to wear down their husbands down to a nub.
    Sometimes it's like an estrogen echo chamber around here.
  • Jill_newimprovedversion
    Jill_newimprovedversion Posts: 988 Member
    I think honesty is the best policy here.

    Just approach your husband's friend directly and lay it all out for him.

    Tell him you were under the impression that he was leaving on Sat. so you planned for your father to come visit on Sunday. Explain that your father has cancer, and this may be his last visit w/ his daughter and grandchildren.

    I'm sure if you let him know what an emotional time this is going to be for the family he will not want to intrude. Any decent person would be understanding in this situation.
    ^^ My EXACT same thoughts
  • Canadien
    Canadien Posts: 122 Member
    You're not being unreasonable at all. Your husband and his friend are being one hundred percent selfish and very, very rude. You're right: who would stay as a house guest for that long when they KNOW they're inconveniencing the owner of the house?
  • mazasmusings
    mazasmusings Posts: 74 Member
    If I pulled what your husband is doing with my wife, she would kick my *kitten* - physically, emotionally, spiritually.
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
    If I pulled what your husband is doing with my wife, she would kick my *kitten* - physically, emotionally, spiritually.
    Emasculation is the new dynamic in relationships?
    This is comical.:laugh: :laugh:
  • Jennloella
    Jennloella Posts: 2,286 Member
    no not unreasonable. But, put on your big girl panties and talk to his friend yourself and explain the situation, including the details you just told us.
  • Merithyn
    Merithyn Posts: 284 Member
    It seems like there was some miscommunication and now everyone is going to have to shift things around a bit to make it all work out. I don't consider it immature or childish of either of you to want to keep to the original plans as you understood them. Unfortunately, it won't work to do that, so there has to be some form of compromise. This is where it seems that things have broken down.

    Under the circumstances (rare - possibly last - visit and illness of Dad), it seems to make the most sense for the friend to depart a day early, unless doing so will cause problems for him regarding travel. (Flying, train and/or bus travel could make this a costly change for the friend.)

    Maybe, to sweeten the suggestion, you can tell your husband that when he next goes to visit his friend he can take an extra day with your blessing. Or maybe even plan a long weekend where they can get together beyond their usual bi-yearly visits. This might keep the next few days from being too awkward, and will allow you to say, "Look, I understand that this situation sucks, and I'm sorry. Let me try to make it better for you both at a later time, okay?"

    I know how important those kinds of visits are for my husband, so I would hate to shorten it prematurely if I didn't have to. I'm sure that, deep down, you feel the same. Try to see his side for just a moment and it might help you handle things more calmly.

    Good luck with the friend, and with your visit with your dad.
  • Merithyn
    Merithyn Posts: 284 Member
    <Deleted comment as it wasn't constructive.>
  • Cait_Sidhe
    Cait_Sidhe Posts: 3,150 Member
    You nagged, and got your way.
    Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:
    What a douchey comment. :indifferent:
    Her father was diagnosed with cancer FFS. That's kind of a big deal.
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,748 Member
    Unreasonable? Perhaps but not for the reason one might assume. It is not unreasonable to ask your husband's visiting friend to vacate, given what you've said about the circumstances but if you asked your husband to send his friend home rather than approaching the friend directly yourself, then you were unreasonable to do so.

    Since it is your father coming to visit, it was up to you to communicate to your husband's visiting friend... unless there's a reason you're not saying why you are uncomfortable to approach your husband's friend? Presented with an honest accounting of the situation, your husband's friend would likely offer to blast off on original schedule or earlier, particularly if you were open about the emotionally difficult circumstances.
  • tdlsaint
    tdlsaint Posts: 51 Member
    Wow what a double edged sword for a question.

    I don't think you're being " unreasonable" , but don't forget , your husband is part of the family too, not just you and your mom and dad ( prayers out there for dad's cancer issue, good luck with it ). You want to bond with your parents and your husband likes to keep up the bond with his friend, sounds like a compromise is in order IMO ( since you posted asking for it ) .

    The hubby's friend should be the one on the couch, not your kid by the way.
    And since it's a partnership, don't just dump on your hubby for saying " dude she wants you to leave ", because the fact is, you do, instead just cowgirl up and tell the guy like it is " Hey , no offense and I know you guys don't get to spend time together but once a year, but due to some extremely personal situation going on with my parents, would you be hurt if I needed you to leave Friday, it's very hard to deal with and I need all of Hubby's attention".

    Good luck and I hope your dad recovers too.
  • UncleMac
    UncleMac Posts: 13,748 Member
    no not unreasonable. But, put on your big girl panties and talk to his friend yourself and explain the situation, including the details you just told us.
    Hmmm... no "like" button... You said it much better than I did!
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    congrats on marrying a teenager. seriously.
  • onmywaytoskinny155
    onmywaytoskinny155 Posts: 228 Member
    Life is to short.
  • his_kid1
    his_kid1 Posts: 177 Member
    No, you're not being unreasonable; your husband and his friend are being inconsiderate.

    Yup
  • Wpbarr
    Wpbarr Posts: 142 Member
    Tell your husband and his friend that next year, they have to go away together someplace for a week.
  • Laddiegirl
    Laddiegirl Posts: 382 Member
    No you're not being unreasonable, your DH and his friend are. Your husband should have communicated the visit timing of your parents when he and his BF planned the BF's visit so that all logistics were worked out beforehand (I mean really, who goes to visit someone and doesn't clarify that x date to x date is good for them too?).

    Sidenote: Many people didn't read where the friend and your DH visit TWICE a year for a week. The BF to the Dh's house and the DH to the BF's house. So yes, thats only two weeks out of the year that they physically see each other, however I think that the fact that her dad has CANCER and this is the last chance for a visit/chance to mend fences takes a higher priority than two dudes sitting around playing COD till 4am... I lost my fiance 5 years ago to leukemia and my maternal grandmother to breast cancer six months later. It is the most devestating thing I've ever been through. This woman needs this time with her father, with her DH by her side more than her DH needs another night of video games.
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
    Maybe you should get a hotel room for your husband and his friend.
  • MaryB2
    MaryB2 Posts: 331 Member
    Well, I would personally try and make room for all, and I would never be upset with my partner for seeing a friend that he just gets to see once a YEAR... especially not if it had been planned for a while and just happened to overlap for a day and a half. There is always room for everybody, as long as there is room on the floor for a mattress, isn't there?

    But that's just me.

    They see each other twice a year for a week at a time. Between there being a tense relationship with her father and him being diagnosed with cancer it sounds like she needs her husband there emotionally. It also sounds like her dad is only staying the weekend, the one day overlapping is most of his visit.
  • GraemePayne
    GraemePayne Posts: 15 Member
    No, you are NOT being unreasonable. Hubby is acting as if he is an inconsiderate and unsupportive jerk, though. Presumably he knew when your father & stepmother were coming (he does share in planning such things, right?) and how important it is - and should have made the deadline clear to his friend. Arbitrarily deciding to stay a couple more days may be OK for a frat house, but it is unacceptable in the context of a family with limited space and more FAMILY guests arriving on a specific day. Sorry, but the "friend" must make other arrangements.
    Men: a secret for a long and happy marriage: if, during an argument with your wife you discover you are right, apologize at once and shut up.
    Robert A. Heinlein in "Time Enough for Love"
  • EmmaGilette
    EmmaGilette Posts: 13 Member
    You're not being unreasonable at all! If your husband is anything like mine, then he probably didn't listen when you were explaining how important it was that his friend be out of the house. I would just calmly re-state all the reasons why you need the friend gone and also ask that he give you his support on this and stand up and explain it to his friend properly, rather than blaming you, which in my opinion IS unreasonable. If that doesn't work, perhaps try to negotiate, by saying that the next time your husband goes to visit this friend he can stay for extra time to make it up. Gets him out of your hair for a bit too!
  • kmm7309
    kmm7309 Posts: 802 Member
    I think honesty is the best policy here.

    Just approach your husband's friend directly and lay it all out for him.

    Tell him you were under the impression that he was leaving on Sat. so you planned for your father to come visit on Sunday. Explain that your father has cancer, and this may be his last visit w/ his daughter and grandchildren.

    I'm sure if you let him know what an emotional time this is going to be for the family he will not want to intrude. Any decent person would be understanding in this situation.

    This is what I was going to say, more or less. If it continues to be a problem, I would (begrudgingly) offer to put husband's friend in a hotel room for the last night that he plans to stay, and invite your husband to go to the room with him for the night. First, it kind of lays a deadline on when you expect your husband's fun time to be over (11am at checkout when he arrives home Sunday). Number 2, it gives your husband a chance to chill out, so he doesn't show his tail to your family, and number 3, then you release the feeling of guilt that you have about upsetting the friend (or more because of looking like a b***h). More than likely, the friend will decline your offer, leave anyway, and you save face in front of him and your husband. If he does take the offer, that's fine, tell your family he is working or otherwise busy for the evening, and leave it at that.
  • splashangel
    splashangel Posts: 494 Member
    I lost my mom to cancer so my heart already goes out to you. I am forever greatful to my husband for his kindness and support during that nerve wracking, gut wrenching period in my life. If it were just a matter of space, maybe not such a hugh problem. But your Dad is dieing. Sorry. Hard word. I know. The fact that your relationship has been strained with your dad for so long may be one reason your husband doesn't see this as a big deal. Your friend extended his stay without him or your husband talking to you first. They should have. My husband is the leader of our home. He calls the shots. All of them. And he calls them fairly. He would have talked to me. This visit needs to be private. You will need your husband. Trust me. So, as someone else said, let it go.Take the blame. He's not your buddy so don't worry about what he thinks. Be real sure and let your husband know you appreciate the sacrafice. Remind him in a loving way of how much his care for you means. You know how to get on his good side better then anyone else.Be as nice as you can. Because you just don't need the added tension while your dad is there. I really hope you get this worked out. I wish you the best with your dad. If I can help in any way you can p.m. me.
  • michellelhartwig
    michellelhartwig Posts: 486 Member
    totally reasonable request...especially since the MEN act like TEENAGERS when they are together. You tell the friend he needs to leave your house on Friday...doesn't matter if it's to go home or to a motel.

    Good luck with your dad! :flowerforyou:

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