Am I being unreasonable??

secretlobster

You're not being at all unreasonable. Your husband basically told you how it's going to be, without your input, then made you out to look like a villain because you're prioritizing your dying father's visit.

Your husband is a *kitten* and I really hope this isn't normal behavior for him. I agree that he and his friend can go get a hotel room for just the two of them so they can play games while fondling one another

secretlobster

pushing 50 years old, I am the same person I was at age 16

Your wife is a lucky woman

mslack01

You are not being unreasonable. Your husband should be more understanding but I would not worry about how you look to his friend. Your husband should have explained to him that the situation with your father is delicate and you would like the last visits you can spend with him to be a private family matter.

FlaxMilk

Deleted--I'm a meanie head.

bm99

OP I blame you for this. You should have locked down a leave date. I know my own husband's weaknesses (and he knows mine!) and we are a functioning partnership because we can communicate about it. If you know that your hubs goes all 7th grade with his buddy around and you need him gone on a specific day, you should have made sure BEFORE he came. Now you are a lousy hostess.

I think you should spring for a hotel for your parents until the buddy is gone. It's your scheduling mistake (and your husband's) so you pay for it. It is incredibly rude to kick someone out of your home when they are a houseguest. More than likely your hubs didn't tell him that he had to be out on a certain day.

ETA When my hubs' best friend comes to visit he is treated like family. I would never, ever ***** about or to him while he is staying with us.

rungirl1973

I'm in the minority, but I don't really see the overlapping visits as being a big deal. It's not as if his friend is moving in. He only visits once a year.
I do agree that I wouldn't have made my son give up his room for the friend. I would have set up an air mattress (you can get em pretty cheap) or had the friend stay on the sofa.

I would not have turned this into a fight, for sure. Pick your battles. A short overlap in house guests isn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme, IMO.

MaryB2

The last night his friend stays (Saturday Day thru Sunday), both (your husband and his hetero life mate) should get a hotel room and party it up, leaving you and your Dad (and stepmom) some alone time.

Family first.

^^^^^
THIS
Too many wives try to bend and break the will of their husbands. Why do you think so many marriages fail?
There comes a time when it's just no longer worth it.

Didn't they already have an entire week together?

What about the will of the wife?

He was not stopping her from anything. Whatever...
I told my wife when we were dating and just 16 years old that I was going to live life my way and totally on my own terms, and that I'd never change. She married me anyway, knowing what was coming.
And pushing 50 years old, I am the same person I was at age 16 but with more bulges, bald spots, bunions and boils.
Maybe she thought about jetting a few times - who knows?
Remember, the one in any relationship that cares the least gets to make the rules. :smokin:

You seem to pride yourself in the fact that your wife's feelings mean nothing to you. It sounds like you're still trying to prove that you're a man and nobody tells you what to do. That is childish for a 50 year old man. If your wife has no say in anything you do that is probably more out of fear than respect.

No, it's called "for better or for worse".
These poor ladies bent on changing and controlling their men are usually the ones left holding the bag.
Again, my wife is wealthy, educated, had 5 kids and is in peak condition.
She's no little frail woman in fear of her own shadow.
And she's also secure enough in her own life not to need me hovering over her.
I could not imagine living any other way, but to each his own.
You men marry these needy ladies, and you make your own beds.
So, sleep in them :drinker:

First of all I'm a woman not a man. She can be successful and afraid of a chauvinistic husband at the same time. You already said you don't care as much about your wife as she does about you. As a husband you should want to be there when she is going through something as emotionally difficult as losing a parent. I feel extremely sorry for your wife but you did warn her what a pig you are before y'all married.

MaryB2

The last night his friend stays (Saturday Day thru Sunday), both (your husband and his hetero life mate) should get a hotel room and party it up, leaving you and your Dad (and stepmom) some alone time.

Family first.

^^^^^
THIS
Too many wives try to bend and break the will of their husbands. Why do you think so many marriages fail?
There comes a time when it's just no longer worth it.

Didn't they already have an entire week together?

What about the will of the wife?

He was not stopping her from anything. Whatever...
I told my wife when we were dating and just 16 years old that I was going to live life my way and totally on my own terms, and that I'd never change. She married me anyway, knowing what was coming.
And pushing 50 years old, I am the same person I was at age 16 but with more bulges, bald spots, bunions and boils.
Maybe she thought about jetting a few times - who knows?
Remember, the one in any relationship that cares the least gets to make the rules. :smokin:

You're such a bad *kitten*
:yawn: :ohwell:

Awesome!! :drinker:

Right, easy to issue challenges through the safety and anonymity of a computer.
That's big :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I have to side with Bobby on this one. I have known my wife for 13 years, been married 8. (since 2004). I was always a YES MAN and did EVERYTHING she asked. I would plan to go fishing with my Dad 2 weeks in advance then she would plan something 2 days before I went fishing and expect me to drop my plans. I did 99% of the time. About a year ago I changed... I evolved, knowing I had to stand up for myself and do what I WANTED to do as long as I planned it out in advance with no conflicts. Now, when I resist, I am the jerk. A marriage is a partnership, but you don't lose your individuality.

I would agree if she changed things on him at the last minute. She says she told her husband his friend would need to be gone by Saturday morning due to her fathers visit. It sounds like the last minute changes were made by the husband and friend.

lizziebeth1028

Your husband and his friend are being inconsiderate over-grown baby men. Where I think it's cool that they still get together and hang out as 'dudes' once a year.....and weekend cool..but A WEEK is a very long time! Especially if he can't figure out on his own that it's time to pick up his toys and go home now. Your relationship with your Father now that he's been diagnosed with cancer is very important. This maybe your last chance to rekindle the relationship and give you both comfort and closure in what might be his final days. Hubbie and friend need to grow up.

lizziebeth1028

I'm curious if the husband's friend is married?..with children?

Bobby_Clerici

I'm curious if the husband's friend is married?..with children?

OUCH!
I know what you are implying.
I never considered that......wow....
If that's it, I take back everything I said.....:sick: :sick: :sick:
Anyway, done here.
Sorry if my take on things is at odds with the echo chamber.
I wish you all well in reaching your goals :drinker:

juscallmeb

I don't think your request is unreasonable, but you actually won that one... so tread lightly. You're asking for a lot... you got your husband to ask his friend to leave. That's what you wanted. I know you ALSO want him to be all sweet to you and tell you that of course your dad is worth it and his friend should be only too happy to go for that reason... but he has agreed to ask him to go. That's the important part. Afterwards, he will more than likely see how important it was that he do that. I am just urging you to be grateful for the small victories right now. You're stressed out.

It's all going to be okay. But yes, let your husband follow through and ask his friend to leave on Friday. You'll get an evening to gather yourself and talk to your husband about it all before your dad gets there.

Mrsbigmack, Thank you so much for your input.....I can see where sometimes I not only want what I want, but I also WANT my hubby to want it to, which may not be possible. Good perspective.

that is great advice. nice i'll have to keep that in mind - small victories

dreamingchild

Husband is being the selfish one. Why? He changed his plans last minute when he knows that your father is visiting and ill and that you need him to act like a husband and support you. Ask him if the situation was reversed how he would feel. Never feel embarrassed for expressing to another person what you need in a situation. You might not always get what you think you want/need, but at least you expressed what your reality is to another and you can come to a solution together.

Good luck and (((hugs))).

lizziebeth1028

I'm curious if the husband's friend is married?..with children?

OUCH!
I know what you are implying.
I never considered that......wow....
If that's it, I take back everything I said.....:sick: :sick: :sick:
Anyway, done here.
Sorry if my take on things is at odds with the echo chamber.
I wish you all well in reaching your goals :drinker:

Hmmm not sure if what you think I was implying was exactly what I was implying so let me clarify as not to offend anyone -

If he's single he has more time on his hands, not a wife and kids at home waiting for him. Thus he may not be realizing that he's inconveniencing his married friend...being single he may not relate to the situation. Hope that explains it...I wasn't insinuating anything else!!!

mazasmusings

I'm curious if the husband's friend is married?..with children?

OUCH!
I know what you are implying.
I never considered that......wow....
If that's it, I take back everything I said.....:sick: :sick: :sick:
Anyway, done here.
Sorry if my take on things is at odds with the echo chamber.
I wish you all well in reaching your goals :drinker:

Hmmm not sure if what you think I was implying was exactly what I was implying so let me clarify as not to offend anyone -

If he's single he has more time on his hands, not a wife and kids at home waiting for him. Thus he may not be realizing that he's inconveniencing his married friend...being single he may not relate to the situation. Hope that explains it...I wasn't insinuating anything else!!!

I don't think you have to be married and have children in order to appreciate or recognize that those who are married and/or have children have different needs/schedules/responsibilities, etc. Honestly, in order to recognize that, one must simply remove head from sphincter.

aegisprncs

So, the friend usually comes down over Memorial Day, and stays about a week (yikes). This year he couldn't come that week, so he came this past Sunday, and is here now.

So....put those two pieces of the story together, and I have back-to-back houseguests, which is kind of stressful, but I knew that when I made the plans with my dad, so I'm ok with that.

If the friend usually stays a week and he arrived on a Sunday, why wouldn't you expect him to say the entire week? You also stated that you knew about the back-to-back houseguests and you were okay with it.

I am a wife in a marriage of 17 years and we have visitors regularly. It does not seem like you are anywhere near okay with it. I maybe out on a limb here, but who scheduled the back-to-back visit? One lesson I learned with house guests (no matter who they are or what is going on in life) - never do a back-to-back unless you are COMPLETELY okay with it because there is always the chance of the visitors overlapping. Always give yourself a 4-7 days in between visitors. On an outside note, why wouldn't you want your dad getting to know your husbands best friend? Doesn't your husband consider his best friend family?

I say suck it up and have the visitors overlap by a day and take it on as a lesson learned.

Heres your winner, and she s staying married forever.

Thanks! Its all about respect and communication. On my wedding day my husband's friend gave some good advice to the both of us in his speech.... Just remember that your spouse isn't out to get you.

aegisprncs

I say suck it up and have the visitors overlap by a day and take it on as a lesson learned.

I may agree with that if not for her father that she has a strained relationship with that she wants to repair wasn't dying. Those are some extenuating circumstances.

(I also don't think your husband is being inconsiderate for not having thought of it--we can't expect people to read our minds, we have to tell them what we need.)

That may be but she said she was okay with it, she clearly changed her mind after inviting her father. Effective communication was obviously lacking here.

FlaxMilk

That may be but she said she was okay with it, she clearly changed her mind after inviting her father. Effective communication was obviously lacking here.

Maybe so but is the bigger issue WHO is right or wrong or WHAT is right or wrong? Forget about OP for a second--what about her poor dying father and his wife? Shouldn't their comfort also be taken into consideration?

My hubby and I have had plenty of miscommunication misunderstandings but the end result is not decided by who was wrong first. It's by who will be the least harmed and/or most helped. OP's hubby and this guy get together twice a year (not just the once that people keep quoting.) OP has once, forever ever, to get together with her father again.

Beth720

Maybe so but is the bigger issue WHO is right or wrong or WHAT is right or wrong? Forget about OP for a second--what about her poor dying father and his wife? Shouldn't their comfort also be taken into consideration?

My hubby and I have had plenty of miscommunication misunderstandings but the end result is not decided by who was wrong first. It's by who will be the least harmed and/or most helped. OP's hubby and this guy get together twice a year (not just the once that people keep quoting.) OP has once, forever ever, to get together with her father again.

The father's comfort and well-being was why I initially wondered why if it's so stressful for everyone to have them visit they aren't staying in a hotel. Stress only exacerbates everything around cancer, and it just sounds from what the OP said herself about when her father visits that the less stressful setting might be to let him and her stepmother have their own space for sleeping and to have a place to go if things get too intense.

And I'd have suggested that regardless of the bromance situation.

TheRoadDog

You got what you wanted right? Or is it that you want him to be happy about it? Sometimes you can't have both.

rml_16

In this case, no, you are not unreasonable. Your husband is being very insensitive to your needs.

Bobby_Clerici

You got what you wanted right? Or is it that you want him to be happy about it? Sometimes you can't have both.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
THIS
The RoadDog Speaks!!!!!

megleo818

Husband and friend are being *kitten*. You're right. Hold your head high and concentrate on enjoying your dad and stepmom.