my man is trying to sabotage me - annoyed, advice please.

jadedzen

So I have officially been here 10 days and over the last 10 days my fiance is really really acting like a child. he's said he doesn't want me to lose ANYTHING because he's afraid i'm wanting to starve JUST my boobs off. he's accused me of using this site to fast. (for fasting you don't really need to count anything other than water.....) I have a history of eating disorders so i'm here to try to lose it in a healthy way, but he's making it really really hard. Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are. Why would he do something like that? Doesn't he want me happy? doesn't he want me the weight i was when i MET him??

edited to add: wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.

BrianSharpe

Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

jadedzen

Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

if he really thinks i'll break off the engagement cause some other guy comes along then he should move along.... what's REALLY making me not want to be around here is having to fight so hard to do something HEALTHY for myself, and at 5'3 and 161 lbs that's NOT healthy. unless you're super fit and cut... but i'm not.

jessimacar

Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

This. 100%

myfitnessval

from the outside this relationship seems really unhealthy to me. he needs to trust that you are an adult and are capable of making HEALTHY life decisions for yourself. i would sit him down and explain to him how this is completely different from fasting because of an ED and that you're trying to go about being healthy, the right way. good luck.

FuneralDiner

I think he's just worried about you developing an ED again. Show him the site and all your food logs and all of your supportive friends who are also trying to lose weight healthily. He should have no objection.

Hiding your measuring tapes is very controlling though, no matter what the reasons are.

PaveGurl

He may be afraid of it going to an unhealthy place, given your history with food abuse?

suzieqcookie

Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

my EX husband had this problem too. I thought he would be happy with the "playground" he had when we first started dating! Instead i got someone who grumbled and refused to even let me buy new clothes. I had to stop losing when i ran out of clothes to shrink into. Did i mention he is my EX husband?

rungirl1973

Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

Agreed 200%.
If this isn't the only subject that causes him to act this way, I'd examine the whole thing personally.

cavegrl140

As long as you're trying to get healthy and not just see a dramatic drop in the scales, I say knock yourself out and let him know he's behaving like a petulant child. I'm fairly certain he loves you and doesn't want you to drop into old unhealthy habits of eating disorders. Sometimes, however, the way a person says things or does things don't necessarily come off as being from a caring or loving place. He may be acting this way simply because he's scared of what having you become focused on your weight will do to you.

Perhaps it's best just to sit down and have a serious grown up, non accusatory talk with him. Express your concerns and map out how you plan to get to a healthier, (not just skinnier), you and what that involves. If he can't support you in your endeavor to become HEALTHY then maybe he's not the one for you...

jadedzen

from the outside this relationship seems really unhealthy to me. he needs to trust that you are an adult and are capable of making HEALTHY life decisions for yourself. i would sit him down and explain to him how this is completely different from fasting because of an ED and that you're trying to go about being healthy, the right way. good luck.

I can see how he's worried i'll go back to an ED but i don't think he gets he's pushing me. I've sat down with him and used words, pictures and gestures to try to convince him that on my own i average 750 calories/day and i have been for a long time. i've damaged my metabolism and body with improper eating. and i've decided the only way to really get out of this 'semi-recovery' into a totally healthy place with my relationship to food is to make sure i eat enough to get my metabolism going again. eating 1200 calories is really hard, i'd rather eat 700

Thanks for bringing up the trust thing again. i think him and i will have a talk once he gets out of bed, it's nearly noon and he's still sleeping.

BigDaddyBRC

Stop putting blame on another individual. You either make the choice to do, or not to do.

/endthread

Phaedra2014

So I have officially been here 10 days and over the last 10 days my fiance is really really acting like a child. he's said he doesn't want me to lose ANYTHING because he's afraid i'm wanting to starve JUST my boobs off. he's accused me of using this site to fast. (for fasting you don't really need to count anything other than water.....) I have a history of eating disorders so i'm here to try to lose it in a healthy way, but he's making it really really hard. Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are. Why would he do something like that? Doesn't he want me happy? doesn't he want me the weight i was when i MET him??

edited to add: wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.

Give yourself what you need and what is best for you. Along the way, as you lose more weight and gain more confidence you might realize that you need a different kind of man by your side.

Bobby_Clerici

It's hard to determine if his concerns for you are valid not knowing your ED history.
He may associate your fatness as a sign that you're doing well with your issue.
Sounds like he loves you :drinker:

ADVICE: be patient, do this MFP right, and forgive him for not trusting you.
Don't nag, get even and pout.
And don't...how shall I say this?..............Don't "cut him off" in the bedroom.
Just do the right thing, be loving, and he'll get on board once he sees that this is not an ED regression.
Good Luck:flowerforyou:

myfitnessval

from the outside this relationship seems really unhealthy to me. he needs to trust that you are an adult and are capable of making HEALTHY life decisions for yourself. i would sit him down and explain to him how this is completely different from fasting because of an ED and that you're trying to go about being healthy, the right way. good luck.

I can see how he's worried i'll go back to an ED but i don't think he gets he's pushing me. I've sat down with him and used words, pictures and gestures to try to convince him that on my own i average 750 calories/day and i have been for a long time. i've damaged my metabolism and body with improper eating. and i've decided the only way to really get out of this 'semi-recovery' into a totally healthy place with my relationship to food is to make sure i eat enough to get my metabolism going again. eating 1200 calories is really hard, i'd rather eat 700

Thanks for bringing up the trust thing again. i think him and i will have a talk once he gets out of bed, it's nearly noon and he's still sleeping.

unless he has an odd job, wake his *kitten* up. lol (i'm a ***** i cant help it)

jadedzen

Stop putting blame on another individual. You either make the choice to do, or not to do.

/endthread

yeah i've made the choice and lost 1.5 lbs since i started here. he made a choice to hide my measuring tapes. the fact that you're supporting him stealing and disposing of my things doesn't make me like you.

johnnys30

This site is absolutely not about fasting, as I'm sure you know. It is also not something that would lead to eating disorders. If anything it just makes you aware of what you are eating. I don't really eat any less than I did before tracking on MFP, but before I just had no idea how many calories were in a lot of things I ate that were mostly at one restaurant or another.

Maybe you can get him to sign up on it too and see what it is really about. You don't have to want to lose weight to get benefits from this site.

flyingcarbaccio

He really just might be worried about you. You mentioned a history of eating disorders. He should be concerned. It would be questionable if he wasn't.

jadedzen

unless he has an odd job, wake his *kitten* up. lol (i'm a ***** i cant help it)

i have been doing that for 3 years and figure a 34 year old should manage to get his butt out of bed in the morning. i really don't want to wind up in the 'mommy' role for him or whatever.

samra2012

mens.... when they see that u are doing somethin good for u .. the got crazy... (some mens)

so if u ask me ... its your health... and maybe you have to think about that ! I think he is so insecure....

do it for yourself!

jiddu17

Honestly, it sounds like he is more concerned about you than he is able to really communicate to you. He is going about it the wrong way, but your obsession with your tape measure, and not wanting to eat because you haven't been able to measure, are arguably unhealthy, if I'm reading what you wrote correctly. I think rather than approaching him in a defensive manner, you should ask him what parts bother him most and why. Also ask him about the tape measures and why he took them (if he did). If he can't be open and honest with you, that is a much bigger problem. Most men who love us truly do not care how we look, it's about health. He probably doesn't care at all about you getting back to the weight you were when you met. Your size increase, your history of ED and your current (possible) obsession with the tape measure are about your own vanity. Be truthful with him, get truth in return. If either of those are impossible, you should consider that to be a red flag before walking down the aisle.

Sharyn913

It sounds like the two of you have other issues to work out other than just food and snooping. Go out somewhere so you're not in the comfort zone of your home and openly discuss your concerns.

jadedzen

He really just might be worried about you. You mentioned a history of eating disorders. He should be concerned. It would be questionable if he wasn't.

I understand he might be worried.... that is why i am making every effort to eat my 1200 calories and even let him see my food log in detail. I'm trying very hard to get rid of my ED forever because i'm afraid to go back to it.

Josie_lifting_cats

Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

This.

You need to do what is right for you, what works for you... it's hard, especially when there's someone involved whose opinion matters to you, and it won't get easier, but you have to figure out what YOU want and then do that.

rotill

You say you have a history of eating disorders. Then you go on to talk about how you want to starve yourself because you can't measure yourself today, and you want to buy 3 measuring tapes so he can't get at them and keep you from measuring yourself.

Your fiancé is obviously not handling this well, but he may have a reason to be worried. If you are so hung up on measurements that you don't want to eat because you have not gone through your ritual, it may not be a healthy relationship to your weight-loss.

Please, don't let your fiancé's worry about you drive you into something rash. After all, measuring yourself is just a reassurance, a motivation to see that what you are doing works. If you are following a healthy eating strategy and working out, you will lose weight whether you eat or not. All that will happen is that your gratification will be a bit delayed. And don't be angry at your fiancé because he worries about you. From your own words, he has a good reason. Talk to him about your diet, tell him you are struggling to manage your eating at a healthy level, in order to avoid triggering your eating disorder. Stop talking about how you want to look differently, because he is trying to tell you that looks don't matter to him, and you are lovely the way you are. Focus on your health, not your shape, and let him see it makes you stronger, more fit and happier.

And if you can't find your measuring tape, ask him if he knows where it is. Then let it be. It's about your health, after all, not your shape.

Best of luck to you and your loved one!

Kristy_Elizabeth

Maybe your history of having an eating disorder is just scaring the hell out of him. Try talking to him about being healthy and in better shape and ask him to participate with you and maybe then he would be less scared. Focus on eating healthy as well and fuel your body to workout and I think he'll see that this is different than how things were in the past. Be strong and keep learning to take care of you for you. Good luck sweetie!

Edit: You didn't mention if you are getting any care for your ED, but I always like to tell people about this website for support:

www.something-fishy.org/

They were a huge help to me about three and half years ago when I hit a rough patch.

ahawks98

I agree with other posts. Try having an honest conversation with him, talk about your goals and health changes. If he doesn't understand and wants to be supportive, I would say you also want to be in a healthy relatiionship and emotionally it doesn't sound like he is moving along with you. So ask yourself "can I deal and live with this person for the rest of my life"?
Tough choices but is not only about your physical healt but also emotional and spiritual. Wish the best for you and don't give up on your dreams and yourself!!

alexis831

You don't have a problem with your man sabotaging you.... you have a soon to be marriage problem. Huge red flags going up everywhere kiddo! This is the problem behind the problem. Prior to getting married see about going through a counseling course together. You are just seeing surface behavior but you don’t see the huge iceberg underneath. You really need this and if he won't go then go by yourself however that is even more of a bigger red flag if he won't attend.

jadedzen

Honestly, it sounds like he is more concerned about you than he is able to really communicate to you. He is going about it the wrong way, but your obsession with your tape measure, and not wanting to eat because you haven't been able to measure, are arguably unhealthy, if I'm reading what you wrote correctly. I think rather than approaching him in a defensive manner, you should ask him what parts bother him most and why. Also ask him about the tape measures and why he took them (if he did). If he can't be open and honest with you, that is a much bigger problem. Most men who love us truly do not care how we look, it's about health. He probably doesn't care at all about you getting back to the weight you were when you met. Your size increase, your history of ED and your current (possible) obsession with the tape measure are about your own vanity. Be truthful with him, get truth in return. If either of those are impossible, you should consider that to be a red flag before walking down the aisle.

i don't measure every day, just on mondays cause it's the 'start' of my week. it's why i haven't noticed the measuring tapes going missing immediately. no obsession involved, i've just decided to measure once a week as well as weigh so i know if i'm not losing weight (cause the scale lies) hopefully i've done enough exercise to lose some fat and gain some muscle.. and he truly does care about my weight, he wants my tata's as big as possible, for him. i've explained that i should lose some cause they are hurting my back (DDD) but he doesn't care.

tcmc11

@ bigdaddybrc: There's no "blame" involved -- that's a whole different topic. She needs emotional support from her husband, and instead is getting sabotaging behaviors and negative attitudes. Yes, she should do what she's going to do ANYway. No one, including her, doubts that. Your reply that attempts to "turn the tables" on her sounds like defensiveness. She's not blaming anyone.

_Elemenopee_

Stop putting blame on another individual. You either make the choice to do, or not to do.

/endthread

yeah i've made the choice and lost 1.5 lbs since i started here. he made a choice to hide my measuring tapes. the fact that you're supporting him stealing and disposing of my things doesn't make me like you.

He made NO comment about supporting your fiance, he said to make your own choices. Do or don't.
That means in everything you do. If you wanted your fiance to stop, then tell him. Choose to do it for yourself, choose to explain to him your thought process, choose to keep him around and include him or choose to exclude him from your goals. Don't blame others for what you control.
Are you doing this for yourself or for him?