my man is trying to sabotage me - annoyed, advice please.

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jadedzen
jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
So I have officially been here 10 days and over the last 10 days my fiance is really really acting like a child. he's said he doesn't want me to lose ANYTHING because he's afraid i'm wanting to starve JUST my boobs off. he's accused me of using this site to fast. (for fasting you don't really need to count anything other than water.....) I have a history of eating disorders so i'm here to try to lose it in a healthy way, but he's making it really really hard. Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are. Why would he do something like that? Doesn't he want me happy? doesn't he want me the weight i was when i MET him??

edited to add: wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.
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Replies

  • BrianSharpe
    BrianSharpe Posts: 9,248 Member
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    Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
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    Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

    if he really thinks i'll break off the engagement cause some other guy comes along then he should move along.... what's REALLY making me not want to be around here is having to fight so hard to do something HEALTHY for myself, and at 5'3 and 161 lbs that's NOT healthy. unless you're super fit and cut... but i'm not.
  • jessimacar
    jessimacar Posts: 291
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    Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

    This. 100%
  • myfitnessval
    myfitnessval Posts: 687 Member
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    from the outside this relationship seems really unhealthy to me. he needs to trust that you are an adult and are capable of making HEALTHY life decisions for yourself. i would sit him down and explain to him how this is completely different from fasting because of an ED and that you're trying to go about being healthy, the right way. :) good luck.
  • FuneralDiner
    FuneralDiner Posts: 438 Member
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    I think he's just worried about you developing an ED again. Show him the site and all your food logs and all of your supportive friends who are also trying to lose weight healthily. He should have no objection.

    Hiding your measuring tapes is very controlling though, no matter what the reasons are.
  • PaveGurl
    PaveGurl Posts: 244 Member
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    He may be afraid of it going to an unhealthy place, given your history with food abuse?
  • suzieqcookie
    suzieqcookie Posts: 314 Member
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    Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

    my EX husband had this problem too. I thought he would be happy with the "playground" he had when we first started dating! Instead i got someone who grumbled and refused to even let me buy new clothes. I had to stop losing when i ran out of clothes to shrink into. Did i mention he is my EX husband?
  • rungirl1973
    rungirl1973 Posts: 2,559 Member
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    Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

    Agreed 200%.
    If this isn't the only subject that causes him to act this way, I'd examine the whole thing personally.
  • cavegrl140
    cavegrl140 Posts: 19
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    As long as you're trying to get healthy and not just see a dramatic drop in the scales, I say knock yourself out and let him know he's behaving like a petulant child. I'm fairly certain he loves you and doesn't want you to drop into old unhealthy habits of eating disorders. Sometimes, however, the way a person says things or does things don't necessarily come off as being from a caring or loving place. He may be acting this way simply because he's scared of what having you become focused on your weight will do to you.

    Perhaps it's best just to sit down and have a serious grown up, non accusatory talk with him. Express your concerns and map out how you plan to get to a healthier, (not just skinnier), you and what that involves. If he can't support you in your endeavor to become HEALTHY then maybe he's not the one for you...
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
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    from the outside this relationship seems really unhealthy to me. he needs to trust that you are an adult and are capable of making HEALTHY life decisions for yourself. i would sit him down and explain to him how this is completely different from fasting because of an ED and that you're trying to go about being healthy, the right way. :) good luck.

    I can see how he's worried i'll go back to an ED but i don't think he gets he's pushing me. I've sat down with him and used words, pictures and gestures to try to convince him that on my own i average 750 calories/day and i have been for a long time. i've damaged my metabolism and body with improper eating. and i've decided the only way to really get out of this 'semi-recovery' into a totally healthy place with my relationship to food is to make sure i eat enough to get my metabolism going again. eating 1200 calories is really hard, i'd rather eat 700 :)

    Thanks for bringing up the trust thing again. i think him and i will have a talk once he gets out of bed, it's nearly noon and he's still sleeping.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
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    Stop putting blame on another individual. You either make the choice to do, or not to do.

    /endthread
  • Phaedra2014
    Phaedra2014 Posts: 1,254 Member
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    So I have officially been here 10 days and over the last 10 days my fiance is really really acting like a child. he's said he doesn't want me to lose ANYTHING because he's afraid i'm wanting to starve JUST my boobs off. he's accused me of using this site to fast. (for fasting you don't really need to count anything other than water.....) I have a history of eating disorders so i'm here to try to lose it in a healthy way, but he's making it really really hard. Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are. Why would he do something like that? Doesn't he want me happy? doesn't he want me the weight i was when i MET him??

    edited to add: wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.

    Give yourself what you need and what is best for you. Along the way, as you lose more weight and gain more confidence you might realize that you need a different kind of man by your side.
  • Bobby_Clerici
    Bobby_Clerici Posts: 1,828 Member
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    It's hard to determine if his concerns for you are valid not knowing your ED history.
    He may associate your fatness as a sign that you're doing well with your issue.
    Sounds like he loves you :drinker:

    ADVICE: be patient, do this MFP right, and forgive him for not trusting you.
    Don't nag, get even and pout.
    And don't...how shall I say this?..............Don't "cut him off" in the bedroom.
    Just do the right thing, be loving, and he'll get on board once he sees that this is not an ED regression.
    Good Luck:flowerforyou:
  • myfitnessval
    myfitnessval Posts: 687 Member
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    from the outside this relationship seems really unhealthy to me. he needs to trust that you are an adult and are capable of making HEALTHY life decisions for yourself. i would sit him down and explain to him how this is completely different from fasting because of an ED and that you're trying to go about being healthy, the right way. :) good luck.

    I can see how he's worried i'll go back to an ED but i don't think he gets he's pushing me. I've sat down with him and used words, pictures and gestures to try to convince him that on my own i average 750 calories/day and i have been for a long time. i've damaged my metabolism and body with improper eating. and i've decided the only way to really get out of this 'semi-recovery' into a totally healthy place with my relationship to food is to make sure i eat enough to get my metabolism going again. eating 1200 calories is really hard, i'd rather eat 700 :)

    Thanks for bringing up the trust thing again. i think him and i will have a talk once he gets out of bed, it's nearly noon and he's still sleeping.

    unless he has an odd job, wake his *kitten* up. lol (i'm a ***** i cant help it)
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
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    Stop putting blame on another individual. You either make the choice to do, or not to do.

    /endthread

    yeah i've made the choice and lost 1.5 lbs since i started here. he made a choice to hide my measuring tapes. the fact that you're supporting him stealing and disposing of my things doesn't make me like you.
  • johnnys30
    johnnys30 Posts: 64 Member
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    This site is absolutely not about fasting, as I'm sure you know. It is also not something that would lead to eating disorders. If anything it just makes you aware of what you are eating. I don't really eat any less than I did before tracking on MFP, but before I just had no idea how many calories were in a lot of things I ate that were mostly at one restaurant or another.

    Maybe you can get him to sign up on it too and see what it is really about. You don't have to want to lose weight to get benefits from this site.
  • flyingcarbaccio
    flyingcarbaccio Posts: 92 Member
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    He really just might be worried about you. You mentioned a history of eating disorders. He should be concerned. It would be questionable if he wasn't.
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
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    unless he has an odd job, wake his *kitten* up. lol (i'm a ***** i cant help it)

    i have been doing that for 3 years and figure a 34 year old should manage to get his butt out of bed in the morning. i really don't want to wind up in the 'mommy' role for him or whatever.
  • samra2012
    samra2012 Posts: 715
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    mens.... when they see that u are doing somethin good for u .. the got crazy... (some mens)

    so if u ask me ... its your health... and maybe you have to think about that ! I think he is so insecure....

    do it for yourself!
  • jiddu17
    jiddu17 Posts: 187 Member
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    Honestly, it sounds like he is more concerned about you than he is able to really communicate to you. He is going about it the wrong way, but your obsession with your tape measure, and not wanting to eat because you haven't been able to measure, are arguably unhealthy, if I'm reading what you wrote correctly. I think rather than approaching him in a defensive manner, you should ask him what parts bother him most and why. Also ask him about the tape measures and why he took them (if he did). If he can't be open and honest with you, that is a much bigger problem. Most men who love us truly do not care how we look, it's about health. He probably doesn't care at all about you getting back to the weight you were when you met. Your size increase, your history of ED and your current (possible) obsession with the tape measure are about your own vanity. Be truthful with him, get truth in return. If either of those are impossible, you should consider that to be a red flag before walking down the aisle.

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