my man is trying to sabotage me - annoyed, advice please.

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Replies

  • sofakingawesome69
    sofakingawesome69 Posts: 149
    I keep trying to get my wife to participate with me, she seems to support me but will not participate. I understand the insecurity he is probably feeling. If you get hot and sexy you may have a better offer. That is his issue, not yours. Nothing you can do..
  • DieVixen
    DieVixen Posts: 790 Member
    So I have officially been here 10 days and over the last 10 days my fiance is really really acting like a child. he's said he doesn't want me to lose ANYTHING because he's afraid i'm wanting to starve JUST my boobs off. he's accused me of using this site to fast. (for fasting you don't really need to count anything other than water.....) I have a history of eating disorders so i'm here to try to lose it in a healthy way, but he's making it really really hard. Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are. Why would he do something like that? Doesn't he want me happy? doesn't he want me the weight i was when i MET him??

    edited to add: wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.

    Sounds to me he is just CONCERNED for your well being,especially since you say you have a history of ED. Hiding messureing tapes seems a bit obsessive
  • travelfairy
    travelfairy Posts: 1
    Thank you to all the people in this thread who understand that i'm not trying to get him to lose my weight for me, that i'm still working hard at eating my 1200 calories AND losing weight in a healthy way.

    Thank you to the people who understand my worry about him stealing/trashing my things, even if it is just a cheap measuring tape.

    I appreciate all the comments urging me to reconsider this relationship. I think i have taken on WAY more than i should've with him cause i'm not sponsoring him into the country and since that decision has been made he's been treating me like ****, even though both my mom and i have gone into massive debt trying to get him through the immigration process, including my mom paying for groceries and my family pooling money to get an immigration lawyer. I think a piece of me doesn't want to give up on him cause i've put so much into this relationship but this might be a real wake up call for me.

    For everyone suggesting i bring him here, he innately HATES calorie counting and insists that i need more like 5k calories to live. He is uneducated about it because the only nutrition advice he's ever got was from the marines however he is absolutely blocked when it comes to learning new things about diet. he insists that the way to get 'healthy' is to max load every single rep and really shock your body by intensive hella exercise (think boot camp). He doesn't seem to understand the idea of adopting a healthier 'lifestyle'. We have talked about this and I told him that he didn't even have to log his food, he could just use it to creep on my food journal. I think i really need to think about things more.

    Thank you for all the feedback everyone

    You're in a difficult situation. From the relationship perspective, I've been where you are. He should be kissing your feet for all you have done and he is treating you badly. It is very disappointing when we invest time/money/effort/love into a person or a relationship and it doesn't work, however investing MORE isn't going to give you a better result.

    I would suggest attending counselling together. It will be interesting to see if he is willing to address the relevant issues, his behaviour, and if he's prepared to "do the work" to make the relationship better.

    If not, you need to cut your losses. I have put a helluva amount of effort/money/emotionalinvestment into somebody only for it to turn out completely differently. It took time for me to realise that they were never going to be who I wanted them to be (i.e. loving, emotionally available, supportive and an equal partner in the relationship) and a lot of their wonderful qualities were figments of my imagination. All the words in the world made no difference when their actions didn't back it up.

    It is very hard though, to admit that you've been dating a dud, and lost money over them, however it's also incredibly liberating. If it comes to it, being single will give you the opportunity to concentrate on your health, surround yourself with positive and supportive people.

    My current partner is everything my ex wasn't, and more. If I hadn't decided that I deserved better, and deserved an equal partner, a best friend, and a rock of support (who loves me at any size - 160-210) then I would still be with my selfish @sshole ex and struggling every day to try and make him and us something we aren't.

    I hope that he comes to his senses and is willing to do the work and value you for who you are.

    Good luck on your journey.
  • DieVixen
    DieVixen Posts: 790 Member
    Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

    ABSOLUTELY!

    It's concerning that he's being so controlling. NEVER a good sign of things to come.

    whats really concerning is the fact that she wants to hide messuring tapes all over the house and not eat at all because she cant messure herself.
  • 3laine75
    3laine75 Posts: 3,069 Member
    He really just might be worried about you. You mentioned a history of eating disorders. He should be concerned. It would be questionable if he wasn't.

    I understand he might be worried.... that is why i am making every effort to eat my 1200 calories and even let him see my food log in detail. I'm trying very hard to get rid of my ED forever because i'm afraid to go back to it.


    i agree with the poster who thinks he may just be concerned because of your past. also, 1200 is the absolute min on here mabey you could set it for a slower weight loss, mabey 1lb per week? (1200 may be putting you back where he doesn't want you to be)

    If you included him in this process with plenty of discussion, he might understand what you are trying to do and be a bit more supportive. i'd encourage him to have a good look at this site as it really does encourage everyone to lose weight healthily - mabey even sneakily leave your browser open on this thread so he can see what you're trying to do.
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    Maybe, just maybe, he isn't trying to sabotage you, but is really very worried that old issues will come back. From your post it does seem like you do still have some issues with food, and maybe you don't realize it. I would try sitting down with him and working out a plan that helps you lose weight in a reasonable and safe fashion and lets him see that you are being safe and healthy.
  • senyosmom
    senyosmom Posts: 613 Member
    Honey, put your foot down. If the choice is you or him then its you. Try to explain to him that the best way to not fall back into old eating disorder habits is to have his support in you doing this the healthy way. He can get on board.... or get out.
  • justin_amanda
    justin_amanda Posts: 1
    Hello,
    It seems your man is simply concerned for you. Perhaps if you let him in on ways THIS TIME is different from past eating disorder experiences you've had, he would feel more confortable with you losing weight. If you're open to juicing, have you seen the DVD Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead yet? It's a great way to injest micro nutrients and feel full, but there isn't any fat and very limited calories in what you juice. The DVD is life changing if you haven't seen it, perhaps watch it with him.

    Check out: www.Jointhereboot.com for more info.

    As far as your measurements, keep on keepin on with what you're doing good. Forget about the #'s. If you are doing it right, the weight will come off, and you'll FEEL better.

    Thanks for sharing your journey, we all need to know we're not the only ones struggling out there on this journey to weight loss. It's nice to be able to share and encourage eachother along the way.

    Good Luck,
  • craznaz
    craznaz Posts: 1
    certainly sounds challenging; I need a lot of support when I am making changes--have you thought about joining a support group? there are ones that are free; however, that may raise the issues with your man even more
  • angrodriguez92
    angrodriguez92 Posts: 193 Member
    I think he's just worried about you developing an ED again. Show him the site and all your food logs and all of your supportive friends who are also trying to lose weight healthily. He should have no objection.

    Hiding your measuring tapes is very controlling though, no matter what the reasons are.

    ^ Best case scenario. And you should should try to assume the best from your partner. Try what she says and see how it goes. If that doesn't help and that isn't it... If he wants to hold you back from health and happiness maybe you could do a little couples therapy or... just break if off. Communication is key. Make sure you ask him the things that you ask us.

    Best of luck
  • Ely0418
    Ely0418 Posts: 45 Member
    You should sit down and talk to him because lying is not the case. Talk to him and tell him that your going to be fine, tell him if you guys can do this journey together.
  • stuartadair1
    stuartadair1 Posts: 46 Member
    Hay Jade, after our conversation yesterday I know what a positive attitude you have.

    If he want's to pick on someone his own size tell him to create a login to MFP and air his views here...Better still just set it up for him, direct to his email address and we'll pass our opinions directly on.

    In the meantime stick with us and you wont go far wrong.

    Stu :bigsmile:
  • TheRealParisLove
    TheRealParisLove Posts: 1,907 Member
    You don't need a measuring tape, you can use a belt or scarf that you are willing to mark somehow (thread, tape, pencil, etc.) to track your progress. Since you have a history of disordered eating, your fiancé overreaction to your lifestyle change could just be fear or concern that you are going to harm yourself.

    You didn't say in your post if he is sabotaging you in other ways, such as temping you to overeat. This is pretty common in families where one person commits to getting healthy. Is your fiancé healthy and committed to being healthy? If not, he may feel threatened that if you change you won't want to be with him anymore, especially if he is unwilling to change his own habits.
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
    Hay Jade, after our conversation yesterday I know what a positive attitude you have.

    If he want's to pick on someone his own size tell him to create a login to MFP and air his views here...Better still just set it up for him, direct to his email address and we'll pass our opinions directly on.

    In the meantime stick with us and you wont go far wrong.

    Stu :bigsmile:

    Thank you Stu :). You made me smile this morning.
  • Troll
    Troll Posts: 922 Member
    So I have officially been here 10 days and over the last 10 days my fiance is really really acting like a child. he's said he doesn't want me to lose ANYTHING because he's afraid i'm wanting to starve JUST my boobs off. he's accused me of using this site to fast. (for fasting you don't really need to count anything other than water.....) I have a history of eating disorders so i'm here to try to lose it in a healthy way, but he's making it really really hard. Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are. Why would he do something like that? Doesn't he want me happy? doesn't he want me the weight i was when i MET him??
    edited to add: wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.
    my fiance hid all of my workout/food journals a few times; not to sabotage me but to illustrate how obsessive i was being. He said i was using exercise and health food to cover up my relapse into an eating disorder. If you cant go on with one missed measurement, you are being obsessive. Men dont typically come out and say, "i think you have a problem and im worried about you." my fiance doesnt give a rats rear end what size i am, i was paranoid and convinced myself he would leave if i ever got too big for my size 3 jeans. Im betting your man feels the same.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    Given that you said you have a history with eating disorders, it sounds like he's probably just concerned about you.

    Also, you seem very upset about YOUR measuring tapes.
    1 - Sounds a little obessive to me.
    2 - You're about to get married. You may want to get used to calling it OUR measuring tapes.
  • fabandfunat51
    fabandfunat51 Posts: 117 Member
    Sweetie Life is TOO SHORT to be in a non-supportive relationship. Ultimately, no man will ever be happy with a woman who becomes like his "mom". Sounds like HE needs to grow up and take charge of his own life, just as you have.

    God Bless you!
  • Wreak_Havoc
    Wreak_Havoc Posts: 597
    In my dumbass humble opinion......

    1. This is a fitness site, not an ED site. He needs to learn the difference.
    2. Forget the tape measures. I have measured myself 3 times in 145 days. Good enuf.
    3. If he's that controlling now, rethink the marriage thing. Hiding tape measures is definitely a red flag. (Again, my 2 cents)
    4. Id talk to my Primary Care physician about the best way to use this site/program and not fall into an ED situation. (I actually got my doctor hooked on MFP! LOL)
    5. This site is for support and fresh ideas on how to get and stay fit. He assumes that boot camp exercise is all that is needed. Well that may work for him, but it’s not the universal method. If it was, the only fitness program out in the rest of the world would be the boot camp exercise. But in contradiction, there are THOUSANDS! I have tried a lot of them and THIS MFP works for me.
    6. Put your big girl panties on and tell him to get his bog boy shorts on and work healthy living together or think about both going it alone.
    Again, this is just my opinion and dumbass advice.

    Good luck!
  • jen_bd6
    jen_bd6 Posts: 501 Member
    In my dumbass humble opinion......

    1. This is a fitness site, not an ED site. He needs to learn the difference.
    2. Forget the tape measures. I have measured myself 3 times in 145 days. Good enuf.
    3. If he's that controlling now, rethink the marriage thing. Hiding tape measures is definitely a red flag. (Again, my 2 cents)
    4. Id talk to my Primary Care physician about the best way to use this site/program and not fall into an ED situation. (I actually got my doctor hooked on MFP! LOL)
    5. This site is for support and fresh ideas on how to get and stay fit. He assumes that boot camp exercise is all that is needed. Well that may work for him, but it’s not the universal method. If it was, the only fitness program out in the rest of the world would be the boot camp exercise. But in contradiction, there are THOUSANDS! I have tried a lot of them and THIS MFP works for me.
    6. Put your big girl panties on and tell him to get his bog boy shorts on and work healthy living together or think about both going it alone.
    Again, this is just my opinion and dumbass advice.

    Good luck!

    I say it's great advice :)

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