Need a laugh? I do..
Replies
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a blonde, a brunette and a red head walk into a bar.
bartender looks up and says "what, is this some kind of joke?"
what is the blondes mating call? "i am so drunk"
what is the brunettes matting call? "all the blondes are gone"
what is the red heads mating call? "next"
two men walk into a bar, the third ducks
did you hear about the polish terrorist?
he tried to blow up a car, and burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
(that last on was my husbands joke.. )0 -
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?0
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The other day i went to use spot remover. Now my dog is missing.....0
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Seems nowadays everything is made in China.
Except babies.
They're made in VaChina.0 -
Q: What do you get when you breed Lassie with a pitbull?
A: A dog who will chew your leg off and then run for help.0 -
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
half a giggle.. can you do better?
LOL i had to read it over cause my amazing brain turned bra into bar automatically. heeheehee0 -
what do you call a constipated German?
Farfrompoopin0 -
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a jack and coke.
The bartender hands him an apple. Guy looks at the apple and says, "This is an apple, I asked for a jack and coke".
Bartender says, "Take a bite." Guy bites it and says it tastes just like jack. Bartender says, "Turn it around and bite the other side."
Guy does so and says it tastes like coke.
Next guy walks in and asks for vodka and orange juice. Same thing, bartender hands him an apple.
He looks at the bartender and begins to ask, but the guy says just bite the apple its amazing.
Guy bites one side and it tastes like vodka, bites the other side and it tastes like orange juice.
Third guy comes in and the two guys immediately says, ask the bartender for anything and he'll give you an apple that tastes just like it.
Guy says, ok I want some *****.
Bartender hands him a *****.
Guy bites it and says, this tastes like *kitten*.
Bartender says, "Turn it around"
LMFAO0 -
Three men decided they were going on a journey through the desert. They agreed to bring something to help them along the way. The first man arrived with buckets of ice water on his camel. The second one brought white linen. The third guy showed up with a car door.
"Why did you bring a door?" the first guy asked.
The third guy replied, "When it gets hot, I'm gonna roll the window down."0 -
A brunette, red head and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender points to the brunette. "You first."
"I'll have Captain and Coke."
The bartender hooked her up and looked at the red head.
"I'll have vodka and red bull."
The bartender made her drink and looked at the blonde.
"I'll have a 15," she said.
The bartender gave her a funny look. "What's a 15?"
"You know what it is, silly," said the blonde. "Seven and seven."0 -
Two guys crash landed on an island and immediately got captured by the natives. They were taken to the village where the chief met them.
The chief stood in front of one guy and said, "Unga Bunga or death!"
The guy said, "Um, Unga Bunga, I guess."
So the natives took him, pulled his pants down, bent him over a tree stump and the entire tribe violated him.
The second guy was mortified. The chief said to him, "Unga Bunga or death!"
"I choose death!" he said.
This confused the chief. No one had ever chosen death before. So he went in the tent to talk with the other elders. An hour later, he came back and said, "Death it is, by Unga Bunga!"0 -
Blond girl is on the bus and she really needed to fart. Luckily the music was on and she let one rip. When she got off the bus she noticed she was listening to her iPod.0
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What is brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNGGGGGGG.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.0 -
What do you call a vegan with diahrea?
A salad shooter.0 -
Seems nowadays everything is made in China.
Except babies.
They're made in VaChina.
LOL awright!0 -
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
This is the world's funniest joke, according to Wikipedia. We have the excellent Spike Milligan to thank for it
Although I have always had a soft spot for the second funniest joke, which cracks me up as much today as it did when I was a kid:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."0 -
Politicians and diapers should be changed often, and for the same reason.0
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Kind of long but the best one I've got:
A boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash, thump, thump, thump. The head madam, somehwhat puzzled, asks "Can I help you?". The boy says "I want a prostitute with VD". Shocked, the head madam says "I'm sorry, but you are only a young boy, we can not help you". The boy responds "Look lady, I'll pay extra" and pulls out a huge wad of cash. Against her better judgement, but because business was slow, she agrees and sends him upstairs.
A little while later he comes back downstairs, still dragging his dead frog on a leash- thump, thump, thump. Before he can leave the head madam stops him.
"I'm sorry, but I just have to know why a boy with a dead frog wanted a hooker with VD so bad."
"Ok lady, here's the story... I just banged the hooker and now I have VD. I am going to go back home and make it with the baby sitter and give her VD. Tonight, mom and dad are going to come home and dad will take the babysitter home. Along the way, he will do her and give her VD. When Dad gets back, he and mom are going to do it and then mom will have VD. Tomorrow morning dad will go to work and mom will bang the mail man and .... (wait for it)....... and he is the son of a b--ch that ran over my frog!!!!"0 -
^^^^ That was great I just laughed so hard Talk about a plan 0
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Standing in the park I was wondering why it is that a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me0
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Bacon and egg walk into a bar. Barman says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
Duck walks to the edge of the pavement, looks both ways. Chicken shouts "For goodness sake mate, don't do it! You'll never hear the end of it".
Brain walks into a bar, asks for a beer, Barman says "I'm not serving you". Brain asks "Why ever not?". Barman replies "You're out of your skull already".0 -
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"0 -
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."0
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."0
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Brain walks into a bar, asks for a beer, Barman says "I'm not serving you". Brain asks "Why ever not?". Barman replies "You're out of your skull already".
Two roads were sat at a table in a bar, when in comes a scruffy little dirt track - the bar falls silent. The track pushes over a huge Highway and bumps past an enormous Freeway before ordering a drink
One of the roads whispers to the other "Hey how come they let him get away with that!?"
The other road says "Oh you don't want to mess with him, he's a cyclepath"0 -
You guys are killin' me here !
LOOOOL0 -
Man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. "A beer please, and one for the road".......0
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!0 -
A bear and a rabbit are side-by-side in the woods, taking a *kitten*.
Bear leans over to the rabbit and says, "Pardon me, but do you have problems with *kitten* sticking to your fur?"
Rabbit replies, "No, not at all."
Bear wipes his *kitten* with the rabbit.0 -
lol poor rabbit!0
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