When do I say something? Do I say something?

BeyondApril

I have an overweight son. He is 22 next week, works full time, lives at home. He has always been big, but seems to be gaining like crazy lately. I know he is aware he needs to lose weight - he always will comment about an amusement park ride he had to skip because of the weight limit, etc, but I am SO concerned about his health. He used to be a 3 season sports kid in highschool, and unfortunately could eat whatever he wanted when he was always at football practice, swim team, and track.

The problem is, as it can be with the kids, that the minute I try to "help", they do the opposite. I obviously do not want to drive him toward eating/gaining more. It is such a sensitive subject! I serve healthy meals, and am an avid excerciser, so he is kind of not following my lead (obviously). He also smokes, and I think he drinks too much.

Reading back over this, if this were someone else's post, I'd be like "Kick his *kitten*! Tell him to join a gym before he dies!" but I am concerned he is depressed and just unable to get a plan in motion. I need advice on how to give tactful advice, motivation, etc. He has a gym membership; I told him if he would go at least once a week, I would reimburse him monthly for it. That was 14 months ago, he has gone 3 times in that period.

Thanks all!

tigerlily8045

Is he buying lots of junk? I just wonder how he is getting heavy if your doing the healthy cooking? He is an adult so you can't make him do anything. I wonder if you sat and told him you are worried about his health if he would blow you off?

KelliH729

I have an overweight son. He is 22 next week, works full time, lives at home. He has always been big, but seems to be gaining like crazy lately. I know he is aware he needs to lose weight - he always will comment about an amusement park ride he had to skip because of the weight limit, etc, but I am SO concerned about his health. He used to be a 3 season sports kid in highschool, and unfortunately could eat whatever he wanted when he was always at football practice, swim team, and track.

The problem is, as it can be with the kids, that the minute I try to "help", they do the opposite. I obviously do not want to drive him toward eating/gaining more. It is such a sensitive subject! I serve healthy meals, and am an avid excerciser, so he is kind of not following my lead (obviously). He also smokes, and I think he drinks too much.

Reading back over this, if this were someone else's post, I'd be like "Kick his *kitten*! Tell him to join a gym before he dies!" but I am concerned he is depressed and just unable to get a plan in motion. I need advice on how to give tactful advice, motivation, etc. He has a gym membership; I told him if he would go at least once a week, I would reimburse him monthly for it. That was 14 months ago, he has gone 3 times in that period.

Thanks all!

I think his situation is a lot like that of an alcoholic...you cannot make him want to change. He has to want it himself. All I can suggest is maybe find something you two can do together that would require you to be active. Hiking, biking, etc.

Good luck!!

BeyondApril

Yes, he goes out and buys crap to eat because I won't buy it. He will buy a huge order of buffalo wings, tell me it is for 2 meals, then eat it in one sitting in front of the tv.

I am supposed to sit down with him tonite and go over finances (he isn't paying his bills on time!) and I was thinking of broaching the subject that way. He is just soooooo stubborn! It's like I can "hear" his responses when I try to think about how to go about it. "I'm worried about your health" = response "I can take care of myself, don't worry about me" as he thinks to himself, She can't run my life.

My husband and I know our son learns EVERYTHING the hard way - he NEVER listens to advice, then after a catastrophe (financial, job, girlfriend, etc.) will say, I guess I should have listened to you. I don't want him to have a health catastrope! He has already had a number of health issues, and his doctor has told him multiple times that these issues would clear up if he would lose weight. Then he gains more.

I don't want him to end up having a heart attack! :-(

BeyondApril

I have an overweight son. He is 22 next week, works full time, lives at home. He has always been big, but seems to be gaining like crazy lately. I know he is aware he needs to lose weight - he always will comment about an amusement park ride he had to skip because of the weight limit, etc, but I am SO concerned about his health. He used to be a 3 season sports kid in highschool, and unfortunately could eat whatever he wanted when he was always at football practice, swim team, and track.

The problem is, as it can be with the kids, that the minute I try to "help", they do the opposite. I obviously do not want to drive him toward eating/gaining more. It is such a sensitive subject! I serve healthy meals, and am an avid excerciser, so he is kind of not following my lead (obviously). He also smokes, and I think he drinks too much.

Reading back over this, if this were someone else's post, I'd be like "Kick his *kitten*! Tell him to join a gym before he dies!" but I am concerned he is depressed and just unable to get a plan in motion. I need advice on how to give tactful advice, motivation, etc. He has a gym membership; I told him if he would go at least once a week, I would reimburse him monthly for it. That was 14 months ago, he has gone 3 times in that period.

Thanks all!

I think his situation is a lot like that of an alcoholic...you cannot make him want to change. He has to want it himself. All I can suggest is maybe find something you two can do together that would require you to be active. Hiking, biking, etc.

Good luck!!

BeyondApril

It would be great to hike or bike with him, except he always says no. :-( I guess once you are 22 it is not cool to go for a bike ride with Mom.

hhroth2005

Think about what might motivate him and maybe offer that - a challenge, a reward, etc. Maybe challenge him to walk/run a 5K, etc.

Do you know any of his friends? Can you talk to any of them?

Are you willing to take a "tough love" approach w/food and money?

Good luck!

AllTehBeers

Bluntness ahead:

I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.

He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.

3LittleMonkeyMom

Bluntness ahead:

I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.

He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.

^^^^
I agree with this man!

He is going to have to get to a place in his own head where he WANTS to do it. Let him ask YOU for help when he gets there. You can't force it. God knows I wouldn't be a fat 36 year old if everybody wanting it FOR me would have fixed the problem.

Good luck to you and your son.

AllTehBeers

God knows I wouldn't be a fat 36 year old if everybody wanting it FOR me would have fixed the problem.

This. That would have been so much easier too.

BeyondApril

Thank you for the blunt comments! I know, he needs to want it. Another family member once replied to a well meaning relative (not me), "I have a mirror. I have a scale. I know how I look. I know what I weigh. I do not need you to remind me."

I think I have my answer, which is I won't say anything. He knows I love him; I tell him all the time. It was his idea to join the gym; he mentioned he didn't think he could afford it, so I offered to reimburse him IF HE WENT. Never mentioned it again, because IF he goes, he WILL ask me to pay up lol!

When he came home from the dr the last time, and said "Yeah, the dr said this problem will resolve when I lose that weight" and I asked "Are you ready to do that?" his response was, "Yeah I need to get on that." Which is what he always says, then just eats more.

So I guess I will say nothing, even though it feels like by saying nothing I am kind of condoning his in-action. Hopefully he will find his own motivation soon.

Thanks for all the responses.

monkeynumber100

Bluntness ahead:

I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.

He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.

I completely agree.

I am him...fast forward to age 41. I completely resent my parents(esp my dad) for always making such a big deal about my weight - even though it was in a loving way usually. I was also a 3 sport athlete that ballooned up after I stopped playing sports. To this day, I have a very serious complex about my weight and I attribute it to my dad's pressure to not be heavy.

My best advice is for you to let him know that you are concerned for him but that no matter what you love him. Then tell him you will never bring it up again, unless it is initiated by him. Let him know that your help is available if he ever wants it, but seriously leave it be after that unless he comes to you.

I have two boys of my own now. I know how difficult it can be to see them struggle. Unfortunately, this is part of his process. What he likely needs is unconditional love and no judgement.

My two cents...

patty43ck

I know how you feel. I have a daughter who is 18 and has been overweight since she was 7. I try not to say anything but when she is always complaning about it herself it is hard. I try to encourage her to get some exercise and she will do it for a couple of days and then quit. Repeating her mother's past patterns. That is why I am trying so hard to stick with what I am doing no matter if I am losing weight or not, so that she will see that being healthy is the ultimate goal and try not to worry so much about what the scale says. My body is changing and she is starting to see that. So hopefully it will inspire her to do the same.

You said he might be depressed. Why not sit down with him without mentioning the weight and talk about that. Maybe he would be interested in talking to counselor or taking meds for that. Once he gets help for that, it might help him with the weight issue. Until he feels good about himself as a person, he is not going to do anything to help himself.

yoovie

It'll happen one morning when he wakes up and decides he should be more AWESOME (often? wtf uv).

OR

He'll meet a girl who will be a sort of subconscious inspiration.

In the meantime, if he lives at home and plays lots of online games - get your internet cut off.

Roni_M

Bluntness ahead:

I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.

He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.

Couldn't agree with this more! My oldest daughter put on a lot of weight in university and seems very resentful of the fact that I'm losing but doesn't want to make the changes herself.

All I can do is keep working on myself, keep the house well stocked with healthy food and hope she will eventually decide to make the change. I can't keep her from eating fast food and not exercising, she's an adult. I am not willing to jeopardize our relationship by nagging her about it.

I do ask if she wants to go swimming with me (activity she enjoys) and pay for a family pool membership so she can go with her boyfriend whenever she wants. I bought a treadmill for the house which everyone has access to. All I can do is provide the tools to make good decisions and she has to do the rest (I can't do it for her).

mksitz

I don't really have any wise words on how to approach it if you do talk to him about it. BUT I think it probably wouldn't go over well in the middle of you trying to help him figure out his finances. Even though you are doing it to help him, it may come across as you pointing out how he's doing things wrong and just make it worse. Just keep doing what you're doing. Provide healthy meals and support. That way, when he is ready to do something about his health, it will be his idea (guys like to be able to take credit for things, or so I've learned from my husband anyway) and he'll know you'll be there by his side.

VelociMama

You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.

He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.

Get him out of your house, on his own two feet, and be as loving and supportive of his independence as you can.

Good luck to you.

missashley884

The problem is, as it can be with the kids, that the minute I try to "help", they do the opposite.

your son is not a "kid", he is an adult. unfortunately if thats the lifestyle he wants to live, let him. like most of us here he'll eventually come to a point where HE wants to change for HIMSELF not just because mommy wants him to. it's gotta come from him.

menletti

Bluntness ahead:

I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.

He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.

I agree. No matter how much we love our kids, they're their own person.

Hellbent_Heidi

I understand that coming from you/his mother it might put him off, but what about getting someone else to talk to him? Does he have a brother or sister (or a "cool" aunt or uncle who he respects) who could approach the subject for you?

My father had bypass surgery a few years ago, and every once in a while he starts to slack off on his exercising, etc. My mother can't say anything to him about it because he thinks she's just being a nag. She calls me and I start with the "still walking on the treadmill Dad?...you know its a slippery slope if you get out of the habit" and BOOM...he's back on track and none the wiser :huh:

HauteP1nk

There really isn't much you can do. He has to want it.

All I would try to do is set an example by eating healthier and exercising in front of him...talk about your progress in front of him...how motivated and thrilling the feeling is to see changes and just hope that he takes the initiative to start to lose weight sooner rather than later.

AprilRenewed

You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.

He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.

Get him out of your house, on his own two feet, and be as loving and supportive of his independence as you can.

Good luck to you.

I kind of agree with this. "Kind of" because we of course, don't know all the details.

I think that when you sit down with him to discuss his finances, that is the perfect time to bring this up...but not in a "I'm worried about your weight" sort of way. More like...add that the junk food is one of his non-essential expenses he needs to cut back on. Mention it along with the other non-essential expenses he needs to cut back on.

That way, you're not coming right out and saying something, and even though you are mentioning the junk food, you're doing it in a way that makes it sound like all you care about is its cost. I think kids respond to that better than anything that may touch on their physical appearance at all.

AprilRenewed

There really isn't much you can do. He has to want it.

All I would try to do is set an example by eating healthier and exercising in front of him...talk about your progress in front of him...how motivated and thrilling the feeling is to see changes and just hope that he takes the initiative to start to lose weight sooner rather than later.

This also.

It makes me feel a bit like how it is between my husband and me regarding God. I believe. He doesn't. I can't preach to him. That would turn him off. I don't judge. I simply live my life in a way that I think and hope reflects Christ, hoping that it rubs off on him and he'll want it one day.

Telugammayi87

What about saying things that will boost his confidence rather than making him feel defensive? Try a positive approach such as "that shirt looks looser on you. Have you lost some weight?" Or if he likes chips a lot, buy those pop chips... quite a bit healthier.. and be like "hey have you tried these? They're good!" (THEY ARE!)

Or tell him if he's living at home he's got to start helping out... do you have a dog? Make walking the dog his "chore"

I just know that whenever my mom or dad say I'm looking good or healthier. I always got a boost of confidence even if I didn't outwardly show it.

When it comes to the gym bill, if he's not paying HIS bills, remind him that you will reimburse him if he goes to the gym at least once a week.

If he isn't paying his bills, but is spending a bunch on food, and denies it... ask him to save his receipts and look at them at the end of the week to see how much he has spent. I wouldn't ask him to show them to you, because that feels like an attack.

I'm 25 and remember these days, and my brother is 22 and still has this type of "i KNOW what I'm doing MOM" relationship. In a few years, it will get better....

Hope I may have helped some!

Aj722

Just a thought, it may be best to help him sort out the other areas of his life first. You said he's not paying his bills on time and you're going to work with him on it. Start with that, get him on track with finances and saving money. If he's not paying bills on time, there are probably other areas of his life he needs to step up in as well. Help him to take better control of his life, but you can't force him. As he becomes more responsible other things will change.
I lived at home after graduating law school, while I was responsible with everything else I didn't take good care of my health. As I saved up money and finally got my own place all those little things my mom did started to make sense to me and once I was on my own I found it much easier to take care of myself. Good luck to you!

sho3girl

Question what happened to all the activities he was doing? why did he stop in the first place?

I was never active now have to "learn to be" being "TOLD" wouldn't have helped me I would just have got defensive about the whole situation. Although credit/no credit to my family my weight was never mentioned.

Good news is your son was ultra active just need to know reasons why he stopped.

The income and expenditure thing may help him focus on how much he's spending on "junk" food but i agree with the other poster I wouldn't bring up this subject at the same time.

LivingtheLeanDream

I hear ya and I have the same situation, son 23 whos about 4 stone overweight....or was until recently...!
I used to get at him a lot, worried about his health because of his weight and perhaps him getting heart disease or diabetes..I'd have regularly hinted that he had to try and do something, stop the snacking, cut back on the take aways etc..then off his own bat 2 months ago he decides he wants to do something about it (an upcoming friends wedding helped), he stopped the snacking between meals, he started walking and now bikes really seriously - he's worked himself up to doing 10miles every other morning and sometimes twice in the day, his weight loss is noticeable already even though hes just down by 21lbs...If he can do it anyone can, but your son has to WANT to do it for himself, nothing you or anyone else will say will motivate him..You just need to be sensitive around this issue, a bit of gentle persuasion and hopefully its something he'll want to do in time.

logicman69

I can say this.. Been there, done that.

Except I was in your son's shoes. I was young and overweight. I played sports in Highschool, could eat what I wanted and still stay lean and mean. An injury sidetracked me and I kept eating the same.

Your right in saying that he will not listen to you. I would not listen to my parents either. He has to want it for himself. Though there is one sorce you can turn too, one sorce in his life he will listen too... his friends. If there are friends (especially ones of the Female variaty) that can help you get the point across, then do it. He will listen to his friends.

stephanieb72

lots of time people eat for emotional reasons. They think food will make it better. Is there anything else going on with him that he could be dulling with food and alcohol?

BVannillie

I have an overweight son. He is 22 next week, works full time, lives at home. He has always been big, but seems to be gaining like crazy lately. I know he is aware he needs to lose weight - he always will comment about an amusement park ride he had to skip because of the weight limit, etc, but I am SO concerned about his health. He used to be a 3 season sports kid in highschool, and unfortunately could eat whatever he wanted when he was always at football practice, swim team, and track.

The problem is, as it can be with the kids, that the minute I try to "help", they do the opposite. I obviously do not want to drive him toward eating/gaining more. It is such a sensitive subject! I serve healthy meals, and am an avid excerciser, so he is kind of not following my lead (obviously). He also smokes, and I think he drinks too much.

Reading back over this, if this were someone else's post, I'd be like "Kick his *kitten*! Tell him to join a gym before he dies!" but I am concerned he is depressed and just unable to get a plan in motion. I need advice on how to give tactful advice, motivation, etc. He has a gym membership; I told him if he would go at least once a week, I would reimburse him monthly for it. That was 14 months ago, he has gone 3 times in that period.

Thanks all!

My brother is 6", 25 years old and weighs over 22 stone (308lbs+). He can't even buy clothes in the UK any more, he has to order them from America. His has ruined his knees with his weight, and also has heart palpitations regularly and gout, and seems to have early signs of diabetes. My mother has begged him to diet, but he just gets angry and acts like there's nothing wrong with him.At the end of the day it's his choice, nothing anyone will say with convince him to change or look after himself and there's nothing you can do about that. Unfortunately it will probably take something very horrible happening like a heart attack before he bothers to get his life in order, and he might be unlucky and not even survive it. It's not a happy thought, and I understand fully why you want to help. But you can't force people to change, it doesn't matter that you brought him into the world. He has to do it for him, and you have to wait until he's ready.

farmer50340

I've been telling everyone who will listen to me lately, that this is something that I'm doing because I want to do it. For years, I've had doctors and friends and others chirping at me 'you should really lose some weight.' I ignored them, because I was happy with who I was. Now I'm not, and I'm doing something about it.