When do I say something? Do I say something?

AprilRenewed

You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.

He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.

Get him out of your house, on his own two feet, and be as loving and supportive of his independence as you can.

Good luck to you.

I kind of agree with this. "Kind of" because we of course, don't know all the details.

I think that when you sit down with him to discuss his finances, that is the perfect time to bring this up...but not in a "I'm worried about your weight" sort of way. More like...add that the junk food is one of his non-essential expenses he needs to cut back on. Mention it along with the other non-essential expenses he needs to cut back on.

That way, you're not coming right out and saying something, and even though you are mentioning the junk food, you're doing it in a way that makes it sound like all you care about is its cost. I think kids respond to that better than anything that may touch on their physical appearance at all.

AprilRenewed

There really isn't much you can do. He has to want it.

All I would try to do is set an example by eating healthier and exercising in front of him...talk about your progress in front of him...how motivated and thrilling the feeling is to see changes and just hope that he takes the initiative to start to lose weight sooner rather than later.

This also.

It makes me feel a bit like how it is between my husband and me regarding God. I believe. He doesn't. I can't preach to him. That would turn him off. I don't judge. I simply live my life in a way that I think and hope reflects Christ, hoping that it rubs off on him and he'll want it one day.

Telugammayi87

What about saying things that will boost his confidence rather than making him feel defensive? Try a positive approach such as "that shirt looks looser on you. Have you lost some weight?" Or if he likes chips a lot, buy those pop chips... quite a bit healthier.. and be like "hey have you tried these? They're good!" (THEY ARE!)

Or tell him if he's living at home he's got to start helping out... do you have a dog? Make walking the dog his "chore"

I just know that whenever my mom or dad say I'm looking good or healthier. I always got a boost of confidence even if I didn't outwardly show it.

When it comes to the gym bill, if he's not paying HIS bills, remind him that you will reimburse him if he goes to the gym at least once a week.

If he isn't paying his bills, but is spending a bunch on food, and denies it... ask him to save his receipts and look at them at the end of the week to see how much he has spent. I wouldn't ask him to show them to you, because that feels like an attack.

I'm 25 and remember these days, and my brother is 22 and still has this type of "i KNOW what I'm doing MOM" relationship. In a few years, it will get better....

Hope I may have helped some!

Aj722

Just a thought, it may be best to help him sort out the other areas of his life first. You said he's not paying his bills on time and you're going to work with him on it. Start with that, get him on track with finances and saving money. If he's not paying bills on time, there are probably other areas of his life he needs to step up in as well. Help him to take better control of his life, but you can't force him. As he becomes more responsible other things will change.
I lived at home after graduating law school, while I was responsible with everything else I didn't take good care of my health. As I saved up money and finally got my own place all those little things my mom did started to make sense to me and once I was on my own I found it much easier to take care of myself. Good luck to you!

sho3girl

Question what happened to all the activities he was doing? why did he stop in the first place?

I was never active now have to "learn to be" being "TOLD" wouldn't have helped me I would just have got defensive about the whole situation. Although credit/no credit to my family my weight was never mentioned.

Good news is your son was ultra active just need to know reasons why he stopped.

The income and expenditure thing may help him focus on how much he's spending on "junk" food but i agree with the other poster I wouldn't bring up this subject at the same time.

LivingtheLeanDream

I hear ya and I have the same situation, son 23 whos about 4 stone overweight....or was until recently...!
I used to get at him a lot, worried about his health because of his weight and perhaps him getting heart disease or diabetes..I'd have regularly hinted that he had to try and do something, stop the snacking, cut back on the take aways etc..then off his own bat 2 months ago he decides he wants to do something about it (an upcoming friends wedding helped), he stopped the snacking between meals, he started walking and now bikes really seriously - he's worked himself up to doing 10miles every other morning and sometimes twice in the day, his weight loss is noticeable already even though hes just down by 21lbs...If he can do it anyone can, but your son has to WANT to do it for himself, nothing you or anyone else will say will motivate him..You just need to be sensitive around this issue, a bit of gentle persuasion and hopefully its something he'll want to do in time.

logicman69

I can say this.. Been there, done that.

Except I was in your son's shoes. I was young and overweight. I played sports in Highschool, could eat what I wanted and still stay lean and mean. An injury sidetracked me and I kept eating the same.

Your right in saying that he will not listen to you. I would not listen to my parents either. He has to want it for himself. Though there is one sorce you can turn too, one sorce in his life he will listen too... his friends. If there are friends (especially ones of the Female variaty) that can help you get the point across, then do it. He will listen to his friends.

stephanieb72

lots of time people eat for emotional reasons. They think food will make it better. Is there anything else going on with him that he could be dulling with food and alcohol?

BVannillie

I have an overweight son. He is 22 next week, works full time, lives at home. He has always been big, but seems to be gaining like crazy lately. I know he is aware he needs to lose weight - he always will comment about an amusement park ride he had to skip because of the weight limit, etc, but I am SO concerned about his health. He used to be a 3 season sports kid in highschool, and unfortunately could eat whatever he wanted when he was always at football practice, swim team, and track.

The problem is, as it can be with the kids, that the minute I try to "help", they do the opposite. I obviously do not want to drive him toward eating/gaining more. It is such a sensitive subject! I serve healthy meals, and am an avid excerciser, so he is kind of not following my lead (obviously). He also smokes, and I think he drinks too much.

Reading back over this, if this were someone else's post, I'd be like "Kick his *kitten*! Tell him to join a gym before he dies!" but I am concerned he is depressed and just unable to get a plan in motion. I need advice on how to give tactful advice, motivation, etc. He has a gym membership; I told him if he would go at least once a week, I would reimburse him monthly for it. That was 14 months ago, he has gone 3 times in that period.

Thanks all!

My brother is 6", 25 years old and weighs over 22 stone (308lbs+). He can't even buy clothes in the UK any more, he has to order them from America. His has ruined his knees with his weight, and also has heart palpitations regularly and gout, and seems to have early signs of diabetes. My mother has begged him to diet, but he just gets angry and acts like there's nothing wrong with him.At the end of the day it's his choice, nothing anyone will say with convince him to change or look after himself and there's nothing you can do about that. Unfortunately it will probably take something very horrible happening like a heart attack before he bothers to get his life in order, and he might be unlucky and not even survive it. It's not a happy thought, and I understand fully why you want to help. But you can't force people to change, it doesn't matter that you brought him into the world. He has to do it for him, and you have to wait until he's ready.

farmer50340

I've been telling everyone who will listen to me lately, that this is something that I'm doing because I want to do it. For years, I've had doctors and friends and others chirping at me 'you should really lose some weight.' I ignored them, because I was happy with who I was. Now I'm not, and I'm doing something about it.

GoodMorningGirl

I agree with the others who say there's nothing you can do. Do your best to be a healthy role model and give yourself peace by saying he is on his own path. I gained a lot of weight when I went away to college, and I sure knew about it without my parents having to tell me I was fat. Kids, even adult kids, need unconditional love. If anyone loves us fat, it should be our moms.

krnlcsf

My husband and I know our son learns EVERYTHING the hard way - he NEVER listens to advice, then after a catastrophe (financial, job, girlfriend, etc.) will say, I guess I should have listened to you. I don't want him to have a health catastrope!

^^ I think that is what I would say to him...

Unfortunately, whether or not he listens and tries to change is really up to him... but if (God forbid) something happened, I think you would feel much worse having not said anything when you had the opportunity.

ElizabethObviously

I am that kid also! My mom has always been on me since I was like 12 to lose weight. And the more you push, the more they will dig their heels in, like a stubborn mule. Trust me. I bet you get the eye rolling and the psht sounds and everything right?

But trust me...deep down he is hurting. People do not eat that much food because they are hungry. Maybe he feels like he has nothing to do because he doesnt do the HS sports anymore.

Be point blank with him. Sit him down and tell "I do not want to see you die. I do not want to bury you at age 30." It may take some time but you have to chip away at this a bit at a time. Maybe show him MFP.

Have him look up this video on YouTube : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448

Just a warning...I cried...you will cry. He might even cry. It is a very powerful video. It is what motivated me to come back to MFP after a a long long break from it.

And also...find something he enjoys doing. If he is a gamer, he could do the Kinect fitness games or Wii fitness games. They have kick boxing. Dancing. MMA.

gaerielsky

He's an adult. He won't listen to you. I did the same. The more my dad got on me about my weight the more I ate. So talking to him may just make it worse. OTOH, just sitting him down and telling him you love him and if he needs your help you'll give it shouldn't be too bad.

I had to move out of my parents before I did anything. I felt that if my dad saw me working out he would make some stupid comment that would set me off on the wrong path again. I needed privacy. I was medicating emotional pain with food. ... and of course it tasted great so I kept it up. Made me feel good. He needs somethign that will make him feel good that isn't food. It's also hard socially to be the only one not eating the wings, beer, etc. when you're out.

RoseBred

Bluntness ahead:

I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.

He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.

My response: I agree with the above. My mom was always on my case about my weight and I would think, "Why are you telling me something I know? I look at myself naked in the mirror after a shower every day and I am not in denial. I know better than you, mom, that I am fat." I would say encourage him in the wonderful things he does and that way he knows he is not a failure and measures up and will give him confidence to perhaps start watching what he eats. He needs to hit rock bottom on his own.

By the way, if you keep pointing out failures, when he does move on and out....he will have call display and will screen your calls because he will associate you with criticism. Nothing I can do was good enough for my mom. I lost weight at one point in my teens and became anorexic and my mom said, "Finally, you look good". Meanwhile the doctor told me I had to gain weight. Don't CONTROL him! Sorry to be blunt and I know you love him and I see one of my kids gaining weight too and it concerns me, but I tell her the things I love about her and that upbuilds her self=respect to take care of herself.

HeavyLiftGirl

Maybe offer to workout with him? You might be the exact motivation he needs to get back to health. Tell him you want to maybe "tone up" and ask if he would be cool with you going to the gym with him, and you two can push each other to success.
Would that maybe be an option?

Goal_Line

Reading back over this, if this were someone else's post, I'd be like "Kick his *kitten*! Tell him to join a gym before he dies!" but I am concerned he is depressed and just unable to get a plan in motion. I need advice on how to give tactful advice, motivation, etc. He has a gym membership; I told him if he would go at least once a week, I would reimburse him monthly for it. That was 14 months ago, he has gone 3 times in that period.

I don't believe there is anyway you are going to impose motivation on him form outside. It's got to come from within him.

I'd find something that motivates him and try to leverage it. Athletics, the opposite sex (hot girls don't like fat men), etc.

Now, if he is clinically depressed, you need to treat that, with professional help.

arathena720

You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.

He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.

Get him out of your house, on his own two feet, and be as loving and supportive of his independence as you can.

Good luck to you.

^^^ This. I agree. I'm a proponent of logical consequences in parenting. If he's not paying his bills, the question you should be asking him is "Do you have some plans to pay it before we evict you in 30 days?" It doesn't sound like he's taking responsibility for his weight or his finances. While you can't do anything about his weight, you can stop enabling him by, very calmly, very logically, insisting his bills are paid or he's out. That's what the real world is like.

mslack01

I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. You actually sound exactly like my mother-in-law talking about my husband. She actually does say stuff to him and it only makes him more belligerant.

He actually responds to me better but I try not to be pushy. He does usually eat what I cook though so if I cook healthy he eats healthy and I am trying to encourage him to exercise.

RoseBred

I gained a lot of weight when I went away to college, and I sure knew about it without my parents having to tell me I was fat. Kids, even adult kids, need unconditional love. If anyone loves us fat, it should be our moms.

AMEN!!!!!