What is it that people REALLY want?? A liar or a believer?

lolagurlx0x0

If they are not making progress and you can't bring yourself to contribute good things for bad actions- or commenting on their poor choices would be confrontational. DELETE Them. I've seen plenty of people put in their profile description, Please don't add me if you're not serious about this, etc etc- I'm the type of person who will hold you accountable when you do bad, When you put that out there then all the people who add you have a warning- and are adding you for the right reasons, someone whose not ready can re-add you when they are- with the disclaimer on your prof that says HEY if you eat crap and don't excersize I'm going to give you crap.

jonirobbins

Hmmm, I made a similar post about a month ago and it ended up being locked because people starting flaming each other over the topic.

In answer to your question though, when I see someone not sticking with their goals, I don't post negative comments, but I don't post positive comments either. To me, that is meaningless, but offering unsolicited advice/criticism to MFP friends is overstepping boundaries.

It was locked, because people turn fanatic when confronted by the notion of personal responsibility and life accountability.
Fanaticism is the brother of doubt.
And as was said...
I think that folks that really want to succeed embrace the thought of being held accountable. Those that don't want it... well, if you already had it all figured out, then what the heck are you doing on this site anyway?
Call me out. Ask me questions.
If I'm getting something wrong, educate me.

Okay, we are on here as an option to help with health/weight loss. We use the tools provided on this site to aid in our goals- this much I am sure we can agree on. HOW we choose to do the rest of it IS up to us. My diary is private too because it is no one elses business, not because I have anything to hide. I stay under my calories. I dont need anyone esle going through my diary in order for me to be held accountable. I am certain there are many others who feel the same. This "journey" we are all taking doesnt have to be taken on the same exact path. What works for one doesnt always work for another. I have only been doing this for about a month and so far I am happy with my journey, taking the path I choose.

jonirobbins

And this is why my diary is private. I am an almost 40 year-old woman, and I am the only one that is accountable for my actions. I do not need unsolicited criticism from people who are having trouble figuring out their own diets and/or exercise program. I stay under my goals on most days, but I do go over every once in a while, and I will usually write a statement when I close my diary as to why. Again...me being accountable to me. I also do not have a problem asking others for help if I need it. It would drive me crazy if someone made suggestions about my day...it's my day, dang it! But then, I have always been fiercely independent - so this is not a new thing for me. :laugh:

Each person has to figure out what works for them. If they are lying, the only person they are hurting is themselves. You know it, I know it, they know it. We can't do it for them - it has to come from them. I feel that my "job" on here as an MFP friend is to encourage and support, and give my opinion when asked. If I see that one of my friends is having a hard time, I find that a quick, "Hey - are you doing OK? Anything I can do to help?" msg goes a long way. That gives them an opportunity to open up and talk about what is going on...which is more helpful than picking apart their day.

Makes perfect sense to me!

FionaAnne22

I have my diary open, I like people to be honest with me, not nasty however! Everyone falls off the wagon occasionally, life happens and you just can't have perfect days every single day. I think my friends understand that, and if I'm doing pretty bad in comparison to usual, if they point it out in a nice way it might make me think about it a bit more!

As for commenting on people's diaries, I won't go out of my way to point out an odd bad day/few days here or there, but if I was overly worried I'd PM someone about it

laus_8882

Maybe being a few hundred calories over their daily goal *is* an achievement for some people if they were at one point huge eaters. They could be cutting down gradually. I'm not fussed about being a little under or over, so if someone was all "BAD VERY BAD" at my diary I'd not be impressed. Why not offer positive reinforcement for things like eating a lot of veg, getting in enough protein, a great day of exercise, etc, and send a pm to there's anything going on that they need to talk about? Could be that someone who's going over on calories is having a rough time and needs a friendly ear.

If you can't accept that some dieters go through periods with lots of bad days and still need to hear "hey, that's ok, you're doing great anyway", you should probably cull your friends list so that neither you nor the overeater is made unhappy by the friendship.

Anayalata

I believe in tough-love. I call it like I see it with my friends, no beating around the bush or sugar-coating. I won't be your crutch.

Same here.
And I have booted plenty who don't make the cut, and others have left the arena of accountability to cower in the estrogen echo chamber.
Weak, insecure people would rather get a WTG as they rush toward a cliff like a lemming.
Success oriented achievers see value in honest, free flowing feedback.

Oh I like you guys.

I just keep my mouth shut most of the time but all these people being "supportive" of someone going over/under their calories (by a lot) is rather ridiculous.

Heather_Rider

I believe in tough-love. I call it like I see it with my friends, no beating around the bush or sugar-coating. I won't be your crutch.

Same here.
And I have booted plenty who don't make the cut, and others have left the arena of accountability to cower in the estrogen echo chamber.
Weak, insecure people would rather get a WTG as they rush toward a cliff like a lemming.
Success oriented achievers see value in honest, free flowing feedback.

^ this guy is a jerk & will give you lots of opinions on every thread possible...............

On your question.. if you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all.. it still holds true!

Anayalata

I believe in tough-love. I call it like I see it with my friends, no beating around the bush or sugar-coating. I won't be your crutch.

Same here.
And I have booted plenty who don't make the cut, and others have left the arena of accountability to cower in the estrogen echo chamber.
Weak, insecure people would rather get a WTG as they rush toward a cliff like a lemming.
Success oriented achievers see value in honest, free flowing feedback.

^ this guy is a jerk & will give you lots of opinions on every thread possible...............

On your question.. if you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all.. it still holds true!

Who me? I don't believe in being nice when it's not deserved. Sorry.

hongruss

I usually stay out of people's diaries unless they specifically ask for feedback. Maybe that makes me a bad friend, but I know that by being here they are consciously reminding themselves of their goals and their efforts to meet them - I don't need to. I'm happy to congratulate them when they've done well or let them know where they could have done better when they ask me, but I don't feel that it's my place to intrude when I don't know why they made the choices they made.

This^^^^ & I also try to congratulate on their weight loss or NSV's, I also will make an effort to offer my opinion if they have posted something personal on their "wall" BUT generally I stay out of diaries

It isn't just the over eaters BUT the ones that are training like athletes & eating like children, better to stay quiet sometimes

Russ

swisspea

I agree, I think I could use some tough love from my friends sometimes! I also feel the same way when someone eats 800 calories and someone posts "nice day!". However, I think things like that belong in a private message.

XXXMinnieXXX

I want to be held accountable x

beachlover317

When all is said and done, the only person in control of this whole shooting match - is YOU. I can comment, congratulate, praise, etc. and all that is - is words. I am here because I am finally ready to be here. If none of my friends commented on my weight loss, my healthy eating, then so be it. I am still losing weight. I still feel wonderful. I still can feel my ribs and hip bones again. I can mow the yard without stopping. I can walk as long as I want to. I can climb stairs without thinking and worrying about my knees. SO, it's nice to get the support, but for once in my 54 years, I am doing this for me. Just me. And that is why for the first time in 54 years I am succeeding and not falling into binging or eating what is not healthy. I've never had the willpower to do this before. Now I don't need it because I'm willing to do the work. :flowerforyou:

MisterTEZ

I always appreciate encouragement from my friends and happy to receive their thoughts and opinions, even pointing out my flaws.
unfortunately some are very sensitive and hate it, just makes me wonder why they add friends and act like drama queens and knaves when someone gives a suggestion to help them improve in their weightloss plan.

I made that mistake once, a friend of mine had a right strop when I suggested trying some home cooked food rather than supermarket ready meals once in a while!

jaimrlx

I would send a message to someone who appears to be falling off the wagon to check in on them. If they want to open up, they will. Remember that you're supposed to be there for support, not criticism. We all know that dealing with weight loss is a mental and emotional struggle, just as much as it is physical (for most). You never know how someone is going to take your words, especially in text on a screen where they can't decipher your tone.

Don't be one of those people who have gained success (and also a God complex) only to become a judge to everyone else.

If it seems like you might offend, then it's probably not worth commenting. Everyone needs friends that are going through the same type of issues that they are, so if these people's goals are worlds different than yours.. maybe you should clean out your friends list and get some people who have more similar goals/habits to yours.

elenakristine

I'd like to be held accountable too, but I do see that most of the people on here that I am friends with, is doing this quite differently than me. I am really trying to eat -different- foods, lots of proteins and no more white bread, pasta and sugar. Not only to lose weight, but because these types of food makes my stomach hurt etc.

What I generally see is that a lot of people eat the same types of food they probably would otherwise, just in smaller amounts. Is that really good for them? I'm just asking, I'm not trying to judge, and that's why I'm not saying anything about it either.
The types of food some people eat every day, are now the types of food I eat when I slip, am having a carb-up-day or when I'm with family and don't get to cook my own food i.e. - not my everyday choices who consists of MAINLY proteins, then the other macros.

Am I wrong to feel like people who really want to succeed in the long run, for life, change their lifestyle etc, don't just eat smaller portions, but eat healthy food, more vegetables, meat and unprocessed foods?

I had a friend who has been working out for years, played sports on a high level and been around nutritionists, "call me out" on my daily meanplan and how carbs should be my main source of food if I am going to be low on calories.

What do you respond to these people? I don't wanna be rude and be like "lol you need to read up on nutrition sweetie", but I definitely don't want to ignore them or see them (especially this friend!) eat themselves depressed, having no energy after eating 1100 cals of bread only everyday etc.

Tough stuff!

jaimrlx

Ooh, I was having exactly this debate with myself the other day. I have a friend (not on MFP) who is on a "diet" but when we go out, she's always the one who eats the meals that are about 1,000 calories. And she is aware of the calories! I'd say that she's over calories about 4 days a week. Sigh. And I go back and forth between saying, Yeah, maybe that's not the best choice, why don't we do X or Y or Z that would be better or biting my tongue and realizing that I can talk to her until I'm blue in the face and if she's not ready to take the plunge then nothing I say won't make a difference. I'm not sure what to do. I know for me that the idea that others could see my diary sometimes makes me feel more accountable---I know it's out there and knowing that other people can see it sometimes can encourage me to make better choices. Guess it depends upon the person and how it's said and whether you get the feeling that what you've said will make a difference.

I actually have a friend that lies about the amount of weight that they've lost. I introduced them to dieting a few months ago, and they claim to have lost around 70 lbs.. which you can very much tell is a lie. I feel like a bad friend for not 'calling them out', because my silence is indulging them in this lie that they've created. I also don't want to shove classic signs of depression and regret in someones face when they are clearly struggling with a life change. I try to tell encourage them in other ways to be healthy, because I am sure that they lie to themselves just as much as everyone else... However, I believe that when they are ready to make that commitment.. they will. You can't motivate anyone else, it has to come from within them!