watching my families suicide

glovepuppet

i can sort of empathise. my mother has refused dialysis and refused to see a doctor for a couple of years now. she has no intention of living what life she has left doing some regimented lifestyle just to buy extra time.

and i don't argue with her, because she has made a conscious choice and she is an adult. she has no small kids depending on her, she isn't burying her head in the sand, she knows her own mind and has made a free choice.

i might not agree with it but, frankly, that's my problem! i'm not going to guilt trip her.

jenilla1

...He said, "I don't have much quantity of life left, I'm sure going to have quality"...

This always pisses me off when I hear this. I hate it when people try to rationalize their self-destructive behavior using this so-called argument. Like being a total glutton, out of breath, sick and miserable, all while wasting the time YOU DO HAVE LEFT doing nothing but gorging and feeling sorry for yourself is "quality" time. :sick: Any one of us could be dead tomorrow. Should we all just give up and let ourselves go? If he says he's got 10 years left, why not make those the best 10 years of his life? He's only got one life and when it's done, it's done. He could be out experiencing things, feeling good, and being proud of himself. Such a shame.

celebrity328

Im in the same boat my whole entire family is this way. Last month I took my 69 year old mother to the doctor and never realized how many health problems she had that were directly related to her weight. I talked to her about my concerns she is trying, thats more then she was doing 6 months ago.

My husbands family refuses to even "talk" about my weight loss because it makes them feel so uncomfortable. Ive had to just come to terms with the fact that some people dont want to change at this moment in time. In some cases its just easier to wish/pray the weight away instead of putting in the daily effort to actually try.

The only thing I can suggest is how I deal with it and thats by just accepting them for how they are today and lead by example. Even small changes in a diet can have awesome results. My mom just increased her veg intake and her blood work came back last week improved. I dont think she will be out running anytime soon but its a move in the right direction.

nsblue

you didnt happen to say how old your parents were... not that age matters, but as we get older we tend to say change n weightloss especially will never happen... i know because i use to say it and had settled being big...and insulin dependant n out of control. we tell ourselves these lies to stay in the most comfortable...its the easiest way to live...but in fact it is killing us. As everyone said...there isnt much one can do until they come to that moment of needing to change. Hopefully something will "click" that might bring them about...n when they do they will know you are there to support them. I am sure you have voiced this to them in a loving way?
If you hear of inspirational stories that may connect with them....tell them of it...being healthy and striving for it i am sure listening they will listen at least to your chatter...one never knows the seed that might grow.
I know my husband and i were in that place they are now... he was 52 i was 48 he ate n drank the same...though didnt smoke...n i was super morbidly obese (600 lbs) and diabetic on 170 units of insulin ...eating as i pleased....
But due to my husbands health turn around things changed. hindsight is 20/20...i so wish we had did that change so long ago...but.... he only lived 8 1/2 months after diagnosis and having to watch him struggle for health and holding on to life to stay here with me while his body was failing... is heart wrenchin... being alone without him after 25 years of marriage...well no one wants it. I hope your mom or dad never have to experience it...but the route they are taking they just may...n i feel for them.

amy1612

Ouch, that is one sad situation there, both for you, and your family.

Love them, keep up the good example and yeah, make it clear you do not want to lose them, especially when 10 years could become 15 through just looking after oneself a bit more. Every moment is precious...do they want to eat a lot now, or be around a lot longer to eat more in the long run x

Bentley2718

Love them. That's all you can do, darling. They're old enough to be set in their ways- they are not going to change, no matter how much you want them to. All you can do is accept that and love them with all that you can for as long as you can.

Wrong--people *can* change, no matter what their age. They're not going to change until they are ready to do so (which unfortunately may be never), but they can change. Unfortunately, OP, there isn't anything you can do to make them change. You can very bluntly point out that they are on the path to an early grave, but that's all you can do. And I'm not sure I'd recommend the blunt approach, it depends on how your family interacts. It might just cause more conflict, or it might get through to them--you're guess is far better than mine.

getnback2lola

Peace & Blessings You should 1) Pray for them 2)Talk to them 3) Pray for them 4) take care of yourself
The only life you have control over is your own, we can't control the actions or inactions of others. Be good to yourself and know that you tried your best. their future does not lay on your shoulders, but their own. Peace & Blessings

lambch0ps

You are doing exactly what is right. Take care of yourself first, and lead by example. After you reach your goal you can try a little harder - make them a healthy meal, try to get them to for a walk, go play mini-golf, etc. But I suggest you take care of yourself first - doing both at the same time is too much. My parents were in the same boat - now my stepfather is dead and my mother is in assisted living, and my health went down the tubes while I did a lousy job of trying to save them. I wish I did what you are doing. Best of luck.

Matiara

I go through the same thing with my mom. She's had diabetes for 7 years, has rheumatoid arthritis, needs a CPAP machine, and is about 50 pounds overweight. She always talks about wanting to lose weight, but her eating habits are horrible and she doesn't do the minimal exercise (15 minutes per day of walking and moving up from there) that her doctors instruct her to do.

It's very frustrating. She'll ask me what she needs to do as far as diet and I'll spend all of this time explaining it to her, but she makes no changes because "it's hard to know what's healthy to eat". And then she cops an attitude when I point out to her that her behavior is contradictory. I've tried anger, I've tried pleading, I've tried being honest and telling her that I'm sometimes afraid she's going to lapse into a diabetic coma or I'm going to come home and find her passed out, I've tried scare tactics, and I've tried tough love. Nothing has worked.

She finds excuse after excuse for not getting healthier. She "needs" to drink Coke or have sweets because she says they are the only things that get her blood sugar up when she crashes. Yet she won't eat cherries or pineapple because "they make my blood sugar spike too high". She can't do the 15 minute walk because her joints hurt from the RA, but she goes to the mall or Target and stays on her feet 3-4 times longer. She told me that because she can't do hard workouts like I do, that she doesn't see the point of doing the walking because it feels useless. It's always something.

A few weeks ago, she asked for my help for the 1,000,000th time and I spent almost an hour talking to her about nutrition and she insisted that her new leaf was well and truly turned over. The very next day, she baked a pie and ate the whole thing. When I confronted her about it, she got very insulted and said the pie was her breakfast, lunch, and snack, so it's not like she ate it all at one sitting. I told her to not ask for my help anymore until she is serious about changing. I told her that if she's happy being so overweight on her painful joints and doesn't care about dropping dead from diabetes, then she should just admit it and stop wasting both of our time giving lip service to wanting to get healthy. I know that's harsh, but I've been doing the song and dance for almost a decade and I've had enough. She has to do it. I can't do it for her.

I think that because outside of her diabetes and slightly elevated blood pressure that her phyusical numbers come back good, she doesn't see the urgency. Pills keep her blood pressure and cholesterol down, so she doesn't see the big deal. The doctors telling her that she has the heart of a 30 year old doesn't help matters. She always quotes that to me when I bring up the danger of heart disease due to her 43 inch waist. Sigh.

Hezzietiger1

Thanks for all the replies and support, friends. I appreciate all of you.

Hezz

Nataliaho

I know exactly how you feel. My mother was a smoker and in our family that is a death sentence. Every single person in my family that smoked died of enphasema by the age of 65. Yet even as a nurse and after nursing her father and two uncles through this, she continued to smoke. Even as she developed severe symptoms like coughing all night, not being able to laugh without caughing and serious fits while driving, she continued to smoke. Even as we scolded, cajoled, manipulated, begged, she continued. I am thankful to say that 4 years ago she quit all on her own, and many of her symptoms seem to be reversing which is fantastic.

Our relationship is so much better now. I think that subconsiously I was pulling away from her as I prepared myself for the inevitable. Now I know she's going to be here for so much longer, we are super close again. I hope the same happens for you.

jzsor12

I'm sorry but you can only diet for yourself.
Maybe if they see you lose weight they'll think different.
Otherwise there's nothing you can really do. If they're happy the way they are, remember that.

pinkgigi

Hi
I was on a similar journey with my mother, although not weight related, she refused to do the things that would help her when she had health crises. Refused to answer the door when the taxi came to take her to physio, wouldn't adjust her diet for diabetes, wouldn't go out of the house, wouldn't see a therapist.

It was very difficult to accept, but after talking to her doctor I started to understand that she was a free person who was free to make her own choices, whether I see them as the right ones is my problem. I really had made myself miserable at it affected a lot of areas of my life.

Congratulations on taking care of yourself, the bottom line is if you are not going to love yourself, no one else love will ever be enough.

GG