Food Nazi?

active4life4vr

Apparently I am...

I am 7lbs away from my goal weight. I love my new lifestyle. I am not dieting. I eat everything in moderation and do not deprive myself of anything. I make it fit.

When my husband and I first got together we ate whatever we wanted. Chips, candy, ice cream, large portions etc. Well after a baby and too many extra pounds lingering, I made a change, for me.

My husband always talked about how he would like to lose some weight, get rid of his belly, he even bought a Bowflex! I thought I was being nothing but supportive towards him. He needs motivation with anything, so we came up with some great mini bets- eg. bench "x" weight- get a BJ, lol, bank 3 workouts- get a BJ, and the big prize was when he gets to his goal weight of 170lbs (he only needs to lose 10lbs) he'd get one whole week of whatever he wants sexually, whenever he wants! We both win!

Now I love this man but I have told him that I don't find him sexually attractive at the weight he's at. I was honest. I am attracted to him, I love his insides but I don't exactly have the urge to rip off his clothes and ravage him. We are intimate and still have fun, but that sexual passion is lacking for me. We keep referring to his goal weight as "spoons on the floor" weight. Meaning, we can be in the kitchen washing and drying dishes, then next thing ya know is the spoons are on the floor and we are getting busy! lol

So with me thinking he was on board to eating healthy and exercising, apparently it has done nothing but cause tension between us. He says he feels like he can't have ice cream without getting a death stare from me, or he'll go back to the pan and scoop out the leftover noodles to eat even though I already gave him a decent portion for dinner and if I mention that then I am the food Nazi, if he eats our daughter's candy he gets the "wrath of Wendy", he wants to order Chinese food on a Tuesday when he knows I try to save meals like that for a Saturday (cheat meal). It has been like this for 7 months now.

He says that just because I want to change I am forcing it on him too.
I am at a loss and I don't want to live the rest of my life sitting on the couch eating chips and candy.
How do I deal with this? Is it so wrong to want to be sexually attracted to your spouse?
Am I expecting too much?

ETA- I am not asking for a six pack. He is stalky and has a solid build but carries all his weight in his belly. He could lose 20lbs total but I would just like the belly diminished...it ages him greatly...he just turned 40 and I am 28. We have been together for 7 years and the more years go by, the older he is looking because of his weight. When we met, he wasn't this big, he was 165-170lbs. During our marriage he has gone up to 210lbs at the highest.

ETA- the sexual stuff was all his idea

ETA- I am not breathing down his neck. Really. One day he'll ask for help and I am encouraging and I feel like we are on the same page. Next day he resents me because I happen to mention the noodles and how many calories they are etc. He gets mad because he wants to eat what he wants and how much he wants, not caring that he WILL get back to 210lbs....I just want to be healthy together...

Dave198lbs

Is it so wrong to want to be sexually attracted to your spouse?
Am I expecting too much?

yes...you promised to love him through thick and thin. This is the thick part.

Janet9906

My husband didn't touch me when I was 40 pounds bigger, it was a HUGE blow to my self esteem. We are having major problems now.

elenathegreat

It's hard to motivate someone else unless they really want to be motivated....like pushing a rope uphill. It has to come from within each of us. Sorry for your troubles:(

sgv0918

Is it so wrong to want to be sexually attracted to your spouse?
Am I expecting too much?

yes...you promised to love him through thick and thin. This is the thick part.

agreed. my fiancee is overweight. he loved me before my weight loss and I love him even though he isn't losing. You should want to be attracted to him but this is causing undue tension and maybe something else is lacking. Worry about yourself and hopefully he will follow suit

Dave198lbs

Is it so wrong to want to be sexually attracted to your spouse?
Am I expecting too much?

yes...you promised to love him through thick and thin. This is the thick part.

agreed. my fiancee is overweight. he loved me before my weight loss and I love him even though he isn't losing. You should want to be attracted to him but this is causing undue tension and maybe something else is lacking. Worry about yourself and hopefully he will follow suit

uhhhh...I was actually being a bit sarcastic...my keyboard sometimes takes over

EvilMomma

There's nothing wrong with wanting your hubby to be sexy to you. There is a problem with thinking that 10 lbs will be the miracle.

I've been married 30 years to the same man. I've learned that the answer to what makes great sex is in my head, not what's underneath his shirt. And I assure you, babies and life hasn't left me the same slender, sweet 22 year old he met, either. Sexy is as sexy does...

Crochetluvr

when he gets to his goal weight of 170lbs (he only needs to lose 10lbs)

Ok...maybe I missed something. He is only TEN pounds overweight and you are not sexually attracted to him?

sun33082

His self esteem has been damaged. You were honest with him, but the truth hurts. Now he's self conscious around you when it comes to food. You're probably pushing him to be a closet eater. Let him come to his own conclusion that he needs to make a change. You can't force it on him.

sun33082

when he gets to his goal weight of 170lbs (he only needs to lose 10lbs)

Ok...maybe I missed something. He is only TEN pounds overweight and you are not sexually attracted to him?

Wow I missed that...

Alish1974

You do sound like the foof Nazi. If you can't find him attractive as he is you might want to do yourselves a big favor and move on.

Leeannboswell

Whatever you fix/cook for your family, add extra protein for your hubby, so he is less hungry all of the time. Stay strong and you don't have to sit on the couch and eat chips and junk. It's your choice to be healthy.

LeeAnn, married 47 years, and still trying to "make it work"! It does get easier!

All the best to you!

kwest_4_fitness

You're not sexually attracted to your husband because you perceive him to be 10 lbs overweight?? :noway:

cheerforsteelers

I have never been married, but I have had someone treat me this way by pointing out my weight and then "glaring" at me if I reached for anything they didn't approve of. They would try to "motivate" me by putting me down. I'm not exactly saying you're putting him down though. Have you tried to include him in workouts or plan something fun together that includes physical activity? How about cooking healthy meals together or going to a cooking class?

usmcmp

You can't force anything on him and attempting to do so will cause more harm than good. 10 pounds really isn't very much and if you can't accept him for how he looks now what happens if he gains more weight? I'm not sure how old you are or if you have kids, but if you decide to have kids one day how would you feel if he told you that your pregnancy gain turned him off? I've been in his shoes and it ended up leading to divorce.

JeaninePaige

You're not sexually attracted to your husband because you perceive him to be 10 lbs overweight?? :noway:

Umm this?!
I've been with my SO for six years and through those years we both have gained and lost a lot more than 10lbs...
I have never been less attracted to him regardless of his weight. I love him unconditionally no matter what.

Honestly, if I were your SO I wouldn't even want to have sex with you or even be around you if you told me you weren't as attracted to me anymore.

Elzecat

I would venture to say that maybe you guys need some outside help, i.e., counseling. He's only 10 pounds overweight? Did I read that correctly? Maybe I missed something...? And you're bargaining for blow jobs?

Um...I don't know what else to say. Wow.

active4life4vr

when he gets to his goal weight of 170lbs (he only needs to lose 10lbs)

Ok...maybe I missed something. He is only TEN pounds overweight and you are not sexually attracted to him?

Only 10lbs and I would feel better. I am not asking for a six pack. He is stalky and has a solid build but carries all his weight in his belly. He could lose 20lbs total but I would just like the belly diminished...it ages him greatly...he just turned 40 and I am 28. We have been together for 7 years and the more years go by, the older he is looking. When we met, he wasn't this big, he was 165-170lbs. During our marriage he has gone up to 210lbs at the highest.

JeaninePaige

Only 10lbs and I would feel better. I am not asking for a six pack. He is stalky and has a solid build but carries all his weight in his belly. He could lose 20lbs total but I would just like the belly diminished...it ages him greatly...he just turned 40 and I am 28. We have been together for 7 years and the more years go by, the older he is looking. When we met, he wasn't this big, he was 165-170lbs. During our marriage he has gone up to 210lbs at the highest.

All I'm hearing from you is, "I will feel better", "I want"... What about him? How do you think he feels because of you pressuring him to lose this weight just so he can be attractive to you? And yes, when years go by, people get older looking.

jean1058

I would like to point out that YOU are the one who decided to become fit. He went along with it, and is only 10 lbs away from this supposed magic goal weight that will make him the Sex Machine you want. Ten pounds could not possibly make him an obese flabby mess of a man.

The thing I think you've forgotten is that the most important sex organ is the brain (your mind). You have DECIDED that he isn't sexy, so therefore, that is what you see. When you start looking at him like he is your Hunk of Husband, Protector, Provider, Best Friend and Lover, THAT is what you will see.

I believe (and I've been married for over 30 years) that you can fall in and out of love with your spouse, in and out of "attraction" with your spouse and have a love/hate relationship. Marriage is W.O.R.K. All the time, every day. Remember one thing though:

It is worth the work.

Focus on YOU. Love him for who he is now, appreciate him, support him, cook healthy meals for him and let him choose who he wants to be. Spouses need to feel the unconditional love you promised to be the best person they can be.

Also, if you don't have the junk in the house, he can't eat it. Just sayin.

Good luck!

active4life4vr

My concern is that he will get back to 210lbs.

You guys are taking the 10lbs out of proportion. It is his LAST 10lbs. It's the 30+lbs that I am not wanting back in our life because of his eating habits.

waffleflavoredtea

You are expecting him to completely change around his life just so you can feel sexually attracted to him? I'm not trying to seem rude, but I can completely understand why he is getting upset at you.

Maybe he is trying to lose weight... but not according to YOUR idea of what ''effort' should look like. You need to rethink your nagging and pushing him. I also don't think your justification in this is that because you were 'honest' that he needs to hang on your every word and do what you want.

If you were in the same situation, I think you would feel differently. Put yourself in this situation - You tell your husband you are trying to write a book about your life experiences because you want to have him be a part of your excitement. Suddenly, your husband starts criticizing whenever you aren't writing. Whenever you get a page done ever few days or so, he's not impressed and he says you should have been able to get more done in that time. When you want to have a nice day off with your hubby without working on your book, he gets pushy and tries to come up with ways to motivate you, like suggesting he leave the house with the kids so you can get some writing done. He doesn't even realize it, but your writing goals have become his own, and he is on a quest to make sure you do it as quickly as possible. He doesn't realize that you want his support through him being positive and happy about you achieving your goals, but not try to "backseat drive".

Basically, what I mean by that example is that when you are consistently trying to push him beyond what he decides to do, weight-wise, you are disrespecting him, because you are giving him the message that he is not capable of progressing. He wants you to be his cheerleader, NOT his 'coach'!

I hope this helps in some way. I think you are well-intentioned, but I think you may be trying to take his struggles into your own hands, which will inevitably upset him and discourage him from trying on his own.

korsicash

I asked my husband to nicely tell me if I was loosing chin definition again and gaining weight. I have not gained an ounce and have been maintaining my losses, I am at a plateau so not overly happy about this. He looked at me the other night and told me I was getting a muffin top again, then looked at the make up I had carefully applied to be attractive to him and asked me why I bothered. I was shattered.

I am bringing this up because men have feelings too and want to be found attractive. Maybe you hurt his ego. 10 pounds is not a huge amount to need to loose, maybe instead of concentrating on his eating habits invite him on a walk with you or on a jog. Ask to go hiking together. I know my husband can eat whatever he wants and stay fit. ( I hate him only a little for this )

It could be something else too, I know when I lost 50 pounds I suddenly thought he and I would be like it was before my son and he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me....boy was I WRONG!

OSC_ESD

~ Don't allow your " lifestyle changes " wreck havoc on your real world ... find a healthy balance that works for you both. It is one thing to want to be healthier ... but to expect everybody to be just like you is a surefire way to a lonely life. If I had to guess ... 7 months ago you were happily married ... you accepted him for his appearance as he also accepted you for yours. I applaud you for making healthy changes ... but don't allow a shallow outlook on appearance ruin the big picture here ...

I assume you fell in love with this man for something more than appearance ... I get the sexual attraction issue .... but darling, build his ego with love ... don't tear down his confidence with such vast amounts of judgement ... just maybe, think about this ... use reverse psychology ... appreciate what you have in this man, build his confidence with love and affection ... guide him in a gentle way to healthier choices and just be his best friend ... you know, the one he chose to marry.

I know this sounds brutal ... but life is not perfect, nor are the people in it ... what we expect, we often only see ... but how about allowing someone to grow in a direction that is both healthy and happy ??? Nobody likes to be forced into being somebody they are not ... this is where we all lose sight of what really matters in life. We get stoked about becoming healthy and fit .... then we expect everybody around us to jump on board. That just isn't reality.

Be proud of your choices ... enjoy the success of your accomplishments. Just be happy with who you are.

:flowerforyou:

Alyssa_Is_LosingIt

Only 10lbs and I would feel better. I am not asking for a six pack. He is stalky and has a solid build but carries all his weight in his belly. He could lose 20lbs total but I would just like the belly diminished...it ages him greatly...he just turned 40 and I am 28. We have been together for 7 years and the more years go by, the older he is looking. When we met, he wasn't this big, he was 165-170lbs. During our marriage he has gone up to 210lbs at the highest.

All I'm hearing from you is, "I will feel better", "I want"... What about him? How do you think he feels because of you pressuring him to lose this weight just so he can be attractive to you? And yes, when years go by, people get older looking.

^^This. If you didn't want to marry an older man, you shouldn't have married an older man. Frankly, you sound really selfish and shallow. Telling him that you aren't sexually attracted to him is not support. It is demeaning. He is obviously trying very hard to make you happy, and if you really loved him, that would be enough. Something tells me that 10 lbs is not going to make a difference.

active4life4vr

Only 10lbs and I would feel better. I am not asking for a six pack. He is stalky and has a solid build but carries all his weight in his belly. He could lose 20lbs total but I would just like the belly diminished...it ages him greatly...he just turned 40 and I am 28. We have been together for 7 years and the more years go by, the older he is looking. When we met, he wasn't this big, he was 165-170lbs. During our marriage he has gone up to 210lbs at the highest.

All I'm hearing from you is, "I will feel better", "I want"... What about him? How do you think he feels because of you pressuring him to lose this weight just so he can be attractive to you? And yes, when years go by, people get older looking.

I believe that relationships are give and take. There are many things that I do for my spouse because he has expressed they are his needs and wants, in this life and our marriage.

I expressed mine. Is that so wrong?

GrandmaJody

You're not sexually attracted to your husband because you perceive him to be 10 lbs overweight?? :noway:

Umm this?!
I've been with my SO for six years and through those years we both have gained and lost a lot more than 10lbs...
I have never been less attracted to him regardless of his weight. I love him unconditionally no matter what.

Honestly, if I were your SO I wouldn't even want to have sex with you or even be around you if you told me you weren't as attracted to me anymore.

This ^
Just keep doing what you need to do for your health, but let him be....You have hurt his feelings and it will take quite a bit to get over. Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart talk, and let him know how much you love him, that is if you do....Best wishes.

Irish_eyes75

Wow.......

gauchogirl

I have seen dozens of posts on MFP written by women saying that their men have "been honest and told them they didn't find them sexually attractive because of their weight" and the women were saying how hurt and offended they were. The numerous responses are always "he's a jerk", "dump him", "what an *kitten*" etc, etc... Now you are doing the same thing and no one is calling you names. I think it's a double standard and unfair to men. I am not calling you names, LOL, I'm just stating how odd it is that the reception to your post is such a polar opposite to the others when they are the exact same situation.

That being said, of course you should be sexually attracted to your partner. and THAT being said, he has to want to do it for himself, not for you, or he'll either 1) never accomplish it or 2) resent you the whole time. Neither are good outcomes.

Gotta' completely agree with the commenter that said

"I would venture to say that maybe you guys need some outside help, i.e., counseling. He's only 10 pounds overweight? Did I read that correctly? Maybe I missed something...? And you're bargaining for blow jobs?
Um...I don't know what else to say. Wow."

I'm sorry, but I think you two would benefit from professional help, it doesn't sound like a super healthy relationship.

Crochetluvr

Ok...forget the 10 pounds for a minute...

You were once of the same mindset as he. You have been able to keep your focus....he has lost his. As was already stated, you cant MAKE him lose anymore weight...he has to want to do that. There is a 12 year spread between you and yes, he is going to look even older to you as years go by.

My b/f is 12 years older than I am...and I am the one who is overweight. But I have always been overweight since he has known me and he has always told me he doesn't care how heavy I am ...all he wants if for me to be healthy. Maybe that's the route you have to go. Stop with the sex bargaining and talk about his health instead. After 40, things start to get more difficult.

JeaninePaige

I believe that relationships are give and take. There are many things that I do for my spouse because he has expressed they are his needs and wants, in this life and our marriage.

I expressed mine. Is that so wrong?

Well, when you were overweight did he ever tell you that he was less attracted to you because of it? Did he give you glares if you dared take more dinner or have a snack?

Honestly, his physical health and fitness is his thing. He has to want it in order for him to change. By you doing what you're doing (whether you think it's helping or not) is just making him angry and upset. You should be lifting him up instead of tearing him down.

In the time my SO and I have been together we both gained a substantial amount of weight. I am choosing to lose it, and right now he isn't. I'm not forcing him to by bribing him or telling him I'm not interested in him as much as I was. He's supporting me and when he's ready I will support him. And if he's not? I will support and love him anyway.