how does it feel to fall out?
MsBallerinaBody
Posts: 32
in Chit-Chat
my boyfriend and i have been together for a year now. i've had a great time with him.
before we dated, he asked me out several times, i said no because that's just in my nature and i didn't have time for such things. eventually we ended up going to a date and it went on for a while. next thing, we were dating. it was fun and it was great.
the thing is, i never had "the spark" for him. i never had butterflies in my stomach. first, i thought he was cute, he was decently attractive that's what started me... that's how we got started.
i know he loves me, more than i love him. and i truly love him, because i care for him too much, i don't want anyone to hurt his feelings, he's kind, educated and smart... i love him too much to back away now.
but isn't love one of those kind of things where you go wild for each other? at least feel butterflies? i know it's the respect and trust that matters the most, butterflies fade away anyway. but i wonder sometimes, if i can make myself go head over heels for him. i certainly love him but am i not in love with him?
recently, he's been struggling to decide his career path, being very quiet and thoughtful... those behaviors really sucked out the personalities that i liked about him.
i felt that i was always the one to text first to make a conversation, or write on his facebook to let him know i do love him, or call him after i'm done with work on days i know he's just at home. but i realized that he doesn't do the same. i told myself that guys are like that anyway and kept on.
but recently,... i started to see if he would do that too. i answered texts with a sentence or two. i didn't initiate a conversation when i was with him. and realized that he doesn't do a flipping thing.
he says he's in a hard place to figure his life out. but meanwhile i think i'm falling out of love. we liked how we were very opposite of each other, vegetables he'll eat, i'd hate and vice versa, the music selection, hobbies...
we thought opposites atrracted each other, but now... now with this feeling in the air, what do we really have in common?
.... i can't think of a single thing
i don't want to fall out of love.
before we dated, he asked me out several times, i said no because that's just in my nature and i didn't have time for such things. eventually we ended up going to a date and it went on for a while. next thing, we were dating. it was fun and it was great.
the thing is, i never had "the spark" for him. i never had butterflies in my stomach. first, i thought he was cute, he was decently attractive that's what started me... that's how we got started.
i know he loves me, more than i love him. and i truly love him, because i care for him too much, i don't want anyone to hurt his feelings, he's kind, educated and smart... i love him too much to back away now.
but isn't love one of those kind of things where you go wild for each other? at least feel butterflies? i know it's the respect and trust that matters the most, butterflies fade away anyway. but i wonder sometimes, if i can make myself go head over heels for him. i certainly love him but am i not in love with him?
recently, he's been struggling to decide his career path, being very quiet and thoughtful... those behaviors really sucked out the personalities that i liked about him.
i felt that i was always the one to text first to make a conversation, or write on his facebook to let him know i do love him, or call him after i'm done with work on days i know he's just at home. but i realized that he doesn't do the same. i told myself that guys are like that anyway and kept on.
but recently,... i started to see if he would do that too. i answered texts with a sentence or two. i didn't initiate a conversation when i was with him. and realized that he doesn't do a flipping thing.
he says he's in a hard place to figure his life out. but meanwhile i think i'm falling out of love. we liked how we were very opposite of each other, vegetables he'll eat, i'd hate and vice versa, the music selection, hobbies...
we thought opposites atrracted each other, but now... now with this feeling in the air, what do we really have in common?
.... i can't think of a single thing
i don't want to fall out of love.
0
Replies
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My husband and I have been married for 10 years, together for 15, I still get butterflies!0
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Honestly... this is not for HERE... print it out... it is for HIM. :flowerforyou:
as far as butterflies... with my husband for 16 years, married for 11 this September, and he still causes me to giggle and get butterflies.0 -
Sounds like you were never in love....0
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doesn't sound like you need to be with him.0
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Sounds like you love him, but aren't IN love with him...like you mentioned. And Opposites can attract, but you still need a common ground to build on.
And if you're truly IN love...the butterflies don't go away. Been with my husband for 12 years and married for 10. I still get excited when I know he's coming home soon!0 -
.... i can't think of a single thing
i don't want to fall out of love.
What exactly are you asking us for? If you're saying you can't think of a single thing-I think you have your answer. And from the sounds of it, maybe you never were in love with him but more the thought of being with someone and having someone love you.0 -
I still get butterflies after 13 years. Find the things or move on. You both deserve someone that will make you happy.0
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Sounds like you were never in love....
it's so sad that your post may contain truth! but i really want to refuse!0 -
I can tell you that I love to flirt and I love women, but none as much as I love my wife!! 13 years and still crazy about her!0
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.0
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If he's not the one for you, dont pretend he is. Im in a similar situation but I let it go way too long and now have a home and kid together because I do love him and care deeply for him. I just never wanted to hurt him, though I am not happy, or fulfilled. Be honest with yourself and him.0
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It really sucks...but sometimes falling out of love just happens, and it hurts and its awful but you live through it. I know thats not what you want to hear but its the truth.0
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You have to have that spark...after 8 years with my fiance I still get butterflies when he holds my hand, he gets goosebumps and his heart beats faster when I touch him. Having stuff in common isn't that big of a deal. Him and I don't have really anything in common except movie tastes, he likes country, I like r&b and pop, foods we like are opposite, he plays video games a lot I don't, but when it comes down to it there isn't anyone else either of us would be with and as long as we can cuddle up to a movie, eat some popcorn, or drink some hot chocolate we don't care.
If you're not in love with him, don't waste his time. He deserves the chance to have someone love him as much as he loves them0 -
You can love him and care for him, without being in love with him.0
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Sounds like you love him, but aren't IN love with him...like you mentioned. And Opposites can attract, but you still need a common ground to build on.
And if you're truly IN love...the butterflies don't go away. Been with my husband for 12 years and married for 10. I still get excited when I know he's coming home soon!
how cute!
i guess i thought i'd get used to him, develop feelings and whatnot. what the hell was i thinking. but he's such a sweetheart! i do love him0 -
He sounds like a brother more than a boyfriend. Like many ladies have already said... with my hubby for 13yrs and married for 12yrs , he still turns my crank and give me butterflies, we flirt and drive each other nuts...... if you don't have it now, I highly doubt you will ever have it.
I knew the night I met him something was different, and I was CRAZY about him..... still am.0 -
I think you've given yourself your own answer and have come to MFP to justify it...you don't need to do that...you feel what you feel (or rather don't feel) and that is reason/justification enough...
it sounds like he's been your best friend...and while that's awesome...and I have had many male best friends that I felt super close to and loved in my own way....in the end, they were JUST a best friend...
but you've allowed him to get really comfortable in a lack of effort and try because he's in a place where he thinks it's a lock, that you love him...and you will drive the path for both of you...
and that's not fair...especially since you are realising that you think you would rather leave...
think hard about what you want...because which ever path you take defines both of you...not just you...and sometimes there's no going back if you made a mistake.0 -
If he's not the one for you, dont pretend he is. Im in a similar situation but I let it go way too long and now have a home and kid together because I do love him and care deeply for him. I just never wanted to hurt him, though I am not happy, or fulfilled. Be honest with yourself and him.
that's what i feel like!
when people say ( and you are right) to leave him or you know go your seperate ways, it sounds easy behind my computer. but i really deeply care for him. i can't do it.
i really care for him enough that i respect and love who he is. how do you feel now? love your husband?0 -
The exact same thing happened to me after four years. I too began asking myself all these exact questions. Then one day I realised that the fact I was asking them at all gave me my answer. While I loved my boyfriend,I just wasn't in love with him. I didn't get butterflies when I thought about him and as hard as a tried I didn't see us as one of those cute old couples who seem to be still as in live with each other as they were 50 years ago. Instead, I saw myself cooking, cleaning ironing, looking after kids etc and essentially leading separate lives. I was devastated when we broke up but I soon realised it was the company I missed not him.
I am now seeing someone else and even writing this I am getting butterflies. I get nervous when I see him and I can't eat when I know I'm going to see him.
Take the plunge and break away. You will hurt for a while but when you find someone who gives you those much sought after butterflies you will know you made the right decision. You can always stay friends with your ex (after the obligatory cooling-off period) that way you can still enjoy all the things you love about him without the pressure of a relationship and wondering why you're not in love with him. My ex and I are now the best of friends (we split in December) and both in new relationships and happier than ever.
The decision is yours, I just hope you will heed the advice of someone who knows exactly how you feel
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I think you've given yourself your own answer and have come to MFP to justify it...you don't need to do that...you feel what you feel (or rather don't feel) and that is reason/justification enough...
it sounds like he's been your best friend...and while that's awesome...and I have had many male best friends that I felt super close to and loved in my own way....in the end, they were JUST a best friend...
but you've allowed him to get really comfortable in a lack of effort and try because he's in a place where he thinks it's a lock, that you love him...and you will drive the path for both of you...
and that's not fair...especially since you are realising that you think you would rather leave...
think hard about what you want...because which ever path you take defines both of you...not just you...and sometimes there's no going back if you made a mistake.
how true0 -
Although butterflies are known to "fade away" a bit ... it sounds like you guys just never had any! Butterflies are great in the beginning. And even though they may fade away, it's important that there are still times when you get butterflies. I live with my boyfriend so we see each other all the time. So every time I see him, no, I don't get butterflies. But when he does certain things (writes me a cute note for me to read when I wake up, sends me a romantic text when I'm at work, sex, dates, etc.), then I do feel those butterflies. The excitement. The passion.
Some guys DO initiate things. "Guys are like that anyway" - no they aren't ... not all of them. When my boyfriend and I didn't live together, he would text or call "first" more than I would (not substantially more but still ... more).
I fell "out of love" with my ex. I had the passion for him at first, but things changed. We didn't like the same things. He would never be romantic, cute, etc. It didn't seem like he cared about me most of the time. We did the same things over and over again, but they weren't usually things that I enjoyed. That relationship lasted three years ... I probably should have broken it off after the first year. Breaking up was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but definitely one of the best. I had a good cry (for a couple days) but I got over it eventually. Kept myself busy and whatnot.
Sweetie, relationships don't always work out. Sometimes, no matter how much you try, the other person just isn't going to. You want someone who makes you happy, passionate, excited. Someone who puts an equal amount into the relationship. It sounds to me like you really need someone else.0 -
You can love him and care for him, without being in love with him.
Isn't that what puppies are for.......:laugh: :laugh:0 -
We can love them but not be IN love with them. If you have to question it, you probably aren't. After 5 years of a very difficult relationship together, I still get excited to go home to him or when he's coming home to me. He's told me he gets excited to see me too. He's not a texter, or a FaceBooker, and only talks alot when he's had too much to drink (LOL!) but when we're together cooking in the kitchen and we touch, it's like fireworks. This is my man and I love him fiercely. We have two children together and seeing him play with the babies makes me love him more.
If you can't describe your passion and love for who you're with then there probably isn't much there.
Don't waste your life or his trying to figure out what you already know.
I wish you luck!0 -
It sounds like you might be friends who are dating. Friendship is a great basis for marriage, but in dating, if you are not becoming more connected as you find out about each other, that is a sign to look deeper as to why that is the case. In the early stages of a relationship, I don't think you need that hormonal butterflies feeling but you do need to feel the excitement of seeing each other, and the longing when you are apart.
If I were you, I wouldn't break it off, unless you honestly feel in your gut that it's not going anywhere. First, I would talk to him, tell him I really like him and enjoy xyz about him. I'd open up to him and let him see a bit more of myself (unless he sees a lot already), let him see that I am a little vulnerable but don't give him my whole heart.
I would also ask him if he could think of anything that could draw us in closer together or help us to get to know one another better. Sometimes, those sparks you long to feel come with knowing a person deeply. I would try this sort of thing and give it another month. Also, as you are doing, don't initiate every contact with him but don't ignore him either.
Good luck!
(Take all advice with a grain of salt. It's up to you to figure out what is best for you in the end.)0 -
The exact same thing happened to me after four years. I too began asking myself all these exact questions. Then one day I realised that the fact I was asking them at all gave me my answer. While I loved my boyfriend,I just wasn't in love with him. I didn't get butterflies when I thought about him and as hard as a tried I didn't see us as one of those cute old couples who seem to be still as in live with each other as they were 50 years ago. Instead, I saw myself cooking, cleaning ironing, looking after kids etc and essentially leading separate lives. I was devastated when we broke up but I soon realised it was the company I missed not him.
I am now seeing someone else and even writing this I am getting butterflies. I get nervous when I see him and I can't eat when I know I'm going to see him.
Take the plunge and break away. You will hurt for a while but when you find someone who gives you those much sought after butterflies you will know you made the right decision. You can always stay friends with your ex (after the obligatory cooling-off period) that way you can still enjoy all the things you love about him without the pressure of a relationship and wondering why you're not in love with him. My ex and I are now the best of friends (we split in December) and both in new relationships and happier than ever.
The decision is yours, I just hope you will heed the advice of someone who knows exactly how you feel
thank you. how very nice of you.
actually all of you... if i read a post like this online i would've said "girl, get out of that relationship. you needs this and that bla blah" but it's always harder when you're one experiencing it. scary.
but thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. i'm a in hard place now but i'm sure i'll clear everything as i figure them out 0 -
You can love him and care for him, without being in love with him.
Isn't that what puppies are for.......:laugh: :laugh:
haha0 -
Never settle for anything less than butterflies.
If you are both with each other hoping to develop feelings, you may be preventing yourselves from meeting the people you are meant to be with.0 -
You're 21. You will probably fall in and out of love a few times. You're not in a hurry. Relax. Enjoy life.0
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Although butterflies are known to "fade away" a bit ... it sounds like you guys just never had any! Butterflies are great in the beginning. And even though they may fade away, it's important that there are still times when you get butterflies. I live with my boyfriend so we see each other all the time. So every time I see him, no, I don't get butterflies. But when he does certain things (writes me a cute note for me to read when I wake up, sends me a romantic text when I'm at work, sex, dates, etc.), then I do feel those butterflies. The excitement. The passion.
Thank you for this -- I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me because I don't get butterflies every time I see my husband. But I too get them when he does the little things... sends me a text or email for no reason, brings me something "just because," or goes out of his way to do something for me.
As for the OP - you really need to let go now. My first marriage was like that and ended badly when we realized neither of us were really in love with the other. Took him longer to figure this out... I kind of had the same thoughts you were having prior to the marriage. If it was meant to be, you will feel it... with or without the butterflies!0 -
That "butterflies" feeling does come and go, especially if one of you is under a lot of stress. But if you never had it in the first place... I wouldn't make any rash decisions, but it comes down to either you're satisfied with the relationship or you aren't. It sounds like you aren't. If you've been feeling like this for a week, obviously you want to give it some time, but if you're feeling like this most of the time, this may not be the right guy for you.0
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