boyfriend mad at me for cheating!

aariel22

What do you guys think about this?
My bf proposed in May, and when I started to look for a dress, he implied that I should hold off until i lose some weight. It really hurt my feelings that he thought me imperfect, but I agreed to try. I have lost 25 pounds since June, and am now under my pre-pregnancy weight. I cut my calories, started running, signed up for an aerobics class, and rode my bike to school. I am looking pretty hot.
This past week, my cravings have been getting the better of me. I had ice cream two nights in a row, and on the second night he demanded that I put it away. I said that I really wanted to eat it and he overruled me, pestering me until I put it away. I have denied myself for months, and it really made me angry that he wouldn't let me indulge. My TOM is coming, so I was cranky anyway. Now we are fighting about ICE CREAM! Does anyone else have issues like this?? Do I have a right to be angry? does he?

FluffnStuff

Wow....
First off, congrats on all the hard work!!!

Did you lose weight because of him/wedding or did you intend or were working on losing weight in the first place?

It's not his call what you eat...

agarlits

Life is short, eat the ice cream :happy:

samanthalynne21

My boyfriend doesn't care if I lose weight or not but he knows I'm not the same girl he met 2 years ago..when I try to sneak in for something he'll question me on what I'm doing and eating, and he will tell me, that's not going to help you...and that he and I need to learn to say no to each other because when one of us gives in..we both give in...he has like no weight to lose..10 pounds but he wants me to stay motivated because he hates hearing me complain that I hate the way I look, his motto is do something about it.. I dont think he should be mad at you, because than that stresses you out, move at y0our own pace dont let anyone say what u can and cant do, your in charge of you and yes you have a right to be angry lol

calabrdm

I think this is a serious issue. It is your body and no one should control what you put in it. Tell him that you are getting married soon and this issue is really troubling you. It is way different if you try to keep each other on track.

DrBorkBork

I confess to having an ice cream weakness. I could eat it on the coldest day of January & be happy as a lark. I think I'll even take ice cream over hot chocolate.
However, my chiropractor (who also practices internal medicine) strongly encouraged me to cut out all dairy. It was very hard, but I am slowly making the switch. I've gone from drinking 2 gallons of milk a week, by myself, to drinking 1 cup of rice milk a day. As for ice cream... it's been hard! However, he told me I can have frozen yogurt.
So here's your cheat. If it's the cold, sweet, and creamy you're after, look for ice cream alternatives-- frozen yogurt, soy ice cream, skinny cow ice cream sandwiches... they're all great alternatives, will probably satisfy your ice cream urge, and keep future hubs quiet. If he's still complaining, eat it anyway and have a short workout afterwards. A 1/2 mile walk will burn 100 cals-- which is the frozen yogurt (or whatever you find that makes you happy) that you just ate.

cassandra1220

Your TOM has first priority (sorry angry boyfriend) so it is OKAY to indulge a bit.

As far as him DEMANDING that you put the ice cream away...that is rediculous. Although, once you tap into the male brain I'm sure that you will see that it is just his way of "motivating" you. Im sure he didn't mean to sound like he was telling you what to do, he just sees how far you have come and (In my opinion) thinks that his imput is a helpful reminder.

I wouldn't make too much out of it at this point. If he made constant remarks and this wasn't an isolated incident then I would say that perhaps there was a problem and that hes acting like an *kitten* but it doesn't seem that it is an issue here.

Roll your eyes, tell him thanks, and then ask him to go for a walk with you. Remember this is about YOU. Take that frustration and turn it into some calorie burning fuel. Good luck!

biffdaddy

I would be hearing alarm bells if I was in this situation. If, prior to being married, my wife got so upset over what I ate becuase of the way I looked I would question whether she accepted me for who I am or for what she wanted me to be.
Perhaps your boyfriend was simply frustrated because he knows how hard your are working toward your goal and expressed himself poorly. I hope that is it.
You say you are fighting aboout ice cream as if it is a small matter, but it could be indicative of a larger divide in your relationship. It is certainly something you should work out before the two of you commit to forever.
Best of luck!

aariel22

thanks!
Yeah, I had wanted to lose weight since I had the baby, but it was really the blow to my ego that motivated me to focus on it. I recognize that is not a very good reason, so I think I am extra sensitive to his judgments.
A

courtneyweiss

Wow Ariel, this sounds like a tough one.

I'm trying to put myself into your shoes. My hubby will sometimes be my "food conscience" and will look at me funny if I grab the ice cream. But, he certainly does believe in the odd cheat (so I don't go crazy). I don't think he would do this if I hadn't asked him to, though. I've asked him to help me and be my "sober second thought", but it has never resulted in a fight. He is always very supportive.

Is this coming from a place of love? If it is, maybe just ask him to tone it down a notch. If this is not something he's doing out of love, it may be time for a serious chat. Maybe sit down and explain that we can't be perfect all the time, and one small bowl of ice cream won't make you gain back the whole 25 pounds. It's when we deny ourselves all the time and don't give in to little indulgences here and there that we fail.

I really hope this helps! I'm certainly no psychologist, though, so take the advice with a grain of salt!

BrendaLee

Is he really policing what you eat? I understand he likes his woman to be hot, but you're not a child. Does he at least tell you nicely that you need to put the ice cream away? Is he like this in other aspects of your relationship or just with food?

jmdolan

I would be mad. I have a system with my boyfriend. If he sees me eating out of any kind of jar or box (ie: Peanut butter, coolwhip, ice cream) then he should nicely remind me that I probably don't want to be doing that. Then usually i will put away what I am eating. If I don't put it away he knows better than to question it. Its my way of having him help me stay on track without causing an argument.

Its your decision what you eat. So tell him that it bothers you and that you dont tell him what to eat so that you will welcome helpful tips but that he is NOT ALLOWED to get mad at you for what you decide to eat.

pitapocket

I don't think he has a right to be mad at you or to tell you what you can or can't eat. Maybe he is just concerned that you will slip back into bad habits and gain back some of the weight you worked so hard to lose. What ever his reasons were he didn't approach the subject very well. We all cheat sometimes, life is meant to be enjoyed, so it is okay to have ice cream every once in a while, just stay in control of portion sizes and the number of servings you have. You have done really well in losing weight and you should be very proud of yourself.

paulamma1

Trust me, this is SO not about the ice cream.

There are other issues at play here and you and he talking, really honestly, are the only ones who can figure them out.

mamaturner

Is he really policing what you eat? I understand he likes his woman to be hot, but you're not a child. Does he at least tell you nicely that you need to put the ice cream away? Is he like this in other aspects of your relationship or just with food?

YES YES AND YES! My husband and I have the same issues. The man takes in 3000 plus calories a day, is 6'2" and weighs 140 pounds wet!!! I'll say something like "oh I think I'll have a... " well I can't think of anything probably b/c it happens with a lot of different foods/beverages. And he'll look at me like I'm crazy and say no, you don't need that. And every time it happens i have more than enough calories n such. I quit smoking and have no release so if I want a beer or a piece of candy now and then he has no right to tell me otherwise! And the same goes for you hun!

heather0mc

my dad has policed my mom's eating my whole life. even now, my mom makes excuses even to ME if she eats a cookie or something. i believe her self esteem has been shot for over 30 years because of it. she even had cosmetic surgery when she was 58 - tummy tuck and reduction. i think it is a direct result of years and years of mental abuse from my dad.

when i started gaining weight, he started in on me. even though i had always heard him speak like this to my mom (who by the way, for the most part, was not even CLOSE to overweight even after 2 kids) it stung me HARD. told me to 'lay off the biscuits and gravy" to be exact.

my point is, this is abuse. believe it or not. it may start out small, but in the case of my family, it has never stopped. he says things like 'you're eating again??? *shakes head*" and "i cant believe how big that sandwich is!". ugh. sickening.

dont know anything about you but i know i could not have someone like that in my life. one is enough.

:flowerforyou:

mrsyac2

Could be his way of motivating you- By saying no so when you do eat it you don't feel guilty and complain guys hate that.- Then again he could be being an *kitten*-

My husband motivates me but I'm sure alot of people on this thread couldn't take it and would get there feelings hurt everyone needs a kick in the pants but some people need a softer kick.

My husband keeps me going if I reach for stuff that I shouldn't have and says Okay chunky buns- or I hear you getting fatter- Thats the light switch for me.

But also mind you I flipped on my husband for not telling me the truth when I was so big because he didn't want to hurt my feelings- In the mist of me yelling at him I told him that we are the 2 people that can be completely honest with each other regardless if it hurts the other person as long as its the truth.

If you feel there is more to the issue ask him- Maybe he has a problem with your weight or how big you were before you lost the weight and sees the icecream as you going to get big again Who knows you should talk to him.

Wecandothis

my dad has policed my mom's eating my whole life. even now, my mom makes excuses even to ME if she eats a cookie or something. i believe her self esteem has been shot for over 30 years because of it. she even had cosmetic surgery when she was 58 - tummy tuck and reduction. i think it is a direct result of years and years of mental abuse from my dad.

when i started gaining weight, he started in on me. even though i had always heard him speak like this to my mom (who by the way, for the most part, was not even CLOSE to overweight even after 2 kids) it stung me HARD. told me to 'lay off the biscuits and gravy" to be exact.

my point is, this is abuse. believe it or not. it may start out small, but in the case of my family, it has never stopped. he says things like 'you're eating again??? *shakes head*" and "i cant believe how big that sandwich is!". ugh. sickening.

dont know anything about you but i know i could not have someone like that in my life. one is enough.

Heather has given GREAT advice in her above post. I second it heartily. However before I jumped to conclusions, I would talk with him about it - it may be that he thinks he's 'helping' you, although it's not coming out that way.

If you talk to him about it and it turns out he's just wanting to be controlling, heed what Heather says above.

Take care.

Road2Hotness

Eat the icescream and tell him to back off!!! After so much hard work we need to indulge every now and again. Don't over due it. 2 days of icescream might already be over doing it but having it everyone now and again...No biggie. I personally treat myself to something like that once a week! LOL! Probably why I'm not losing weight at a high super fast pace but hey...I am still losing weight and very happy!

heather0mc

my dad has policed my mom's eating my whole life. even now, my mom makes excuses even to ME if she eats a cookie or something. i believe her self esteem has been shot for over 30 years because of it. she even had cosmetic surgery when she was 58 - tummy tuck and reduction. i think it is a direct result of years and years of mental abuse from my dad.

when i started gaining weight, he started in on me. even though i had always heard him speak like this to my mom (who by the way, for the most part, was not even CLOSE to overweight even after 2 kids) it stung me HARD. told me to 'lay off the biscuits and gravy" to be exact.

my point is, this is abuse. believe it or not. it may start out small, but in the case of my family, it has never stopped. he says things like 'you're eating again??? *shakes head*" and "i cant believe how big that sandwich is!". ugh. sickening.

dont know anything about you but i know i could not have someone like that in my life. one is enough.

Heather has given GREAT advice in her above post. I second it heartily. However before I jumped to conclusions, I would talk with him about it - it may be that he thinks he's 'helping' you, although it's not coming out that way.

If you talk to him about it and it turns out he's just wanting to be controlling, heed what Heather says above.

Take care.

i agree with you as well wecandothis! a serious heart to heart should come first. even with everything i said above, i think my dad just doesnt realize the effect he has on the person he is saying it to. of course, he is 6'2 and has always been thin. he likes to work out and has a cholestoral level of 113! doesnt eat an ounce of fat. his prob is that he thinks everyone should think like him - which is INSANE!

anyways, have the talk with him. find out where he is coming from and tell you how belittled you felt (if thats the case). good luck and let us know how it goes! :flowerforyou:

nolachick

of first of all great job on the weight loss.
2nd of all....I agree with what a lot of people here have already said. You need to be VERY careful about marrying someone who is demanding and controlling.

Supportive is one thing but demanding is another. I would be so freaking pissed I would throw the ice cream in his face. lol. sorry anger management issues I have.

Back to being serious, if he was really the one to suggest that you needed to lose weight before you bought your dress then that alone is a big red light. Unless you had expressed it to him already that you would like to lose weight and you asked him for support, then it's not so bad , perhaps he is trying to help. But if he's trying to be possessive, controling, manipulative, etc, you have to be careful about going into a marriage like that, cuz like my mom always said, a man's faults only magnify after marriage. In other words it will get worse. I really hope that isnt the case, but if it is, you need to address it NOW!

Kpablo

Trust me, this is SO not about the ice cream.

There are other issues at play here and you and he talking, really honestly, are the only ones who can figure them out.

100% agree.

This sounds more like a control issue than a dieting/ice cream issue. My husband says perhaps you should eat so and so instead of so and so. He would not ever get mad at me over my decisions. Your spouse should love you unconditionally whether heavy, skinny, chucky, ice cream or no ice cream. Anger is not a motivational tool, quite the opposite. For example, when I'm upset, ice cream is the first thing I go for.

Another thing to think about, I think premarital councilling should be mandatory for every couple getting married.

silvertears

:huh:

Don't take that from him. He either needs to know that's not the type of "motivation" you need or he needs to know not to speak to you like that.

aariel22

I definitely think that he has good intentions, and he treats me really well. I don't feel abused at all, just misunderstood. I think that he sometimes forgets that I am not a direct extension of him, and he does not understand cravings or moods. Now that I think about it, he was not as much angry with me as much straight up trying to control me like he would try to control his right arm. He has a stubborn nature and did not respect my refusal.
That is what made me really angry. I would have understood the subtle reminder, " do you really consciously want to eat those empty calories?", but the continued pestering made it so that I could not simply enjoy my delicious treat. I guess that my continued anger comes from a lifetime of being overweight and the low self esteem that comes with that. I am finally happy with my body, and I don't want one iota of low self-esteem creating negativity in my life.

hedkie

your boyfriend sounds disturbed. if he's trying this hard to control you now, how will it be after decades of wedded bliss?! i agree with the above comments that this is NOT about the ice cream.

FluffnStuff

I say you talk to him. Let him know that you appreciate him trying to help you stay on track but it wasn't done in a way you found supportive and made you feel bad about yourself (even if it was a little bit). Then let him how know he could remind you in a supportive way.

It was a little treat, not a full out bender (trust me I do those ALL the time still), being able to incorporate those now and then AND keep control is a good habit to learn as well.

LittleSpy

I would hope this was his poor attempt to help you stay on track in your efforts to be healthy. I also hope his comment about losing weight before dress shopping was for your own sake, too.

A lot of times I find that I read too much into my bf's comments. He can be absolutely oblivious to what some of his words can seem to imply. It sounds like your boyfriend/fiance is the same way.

I remember after my first several days on MFP I was so excited because I had lost 3 pounds. I told my boyfriend and the words out of his mouth were "I could pee and lose 3 pounds." I interpreted that as "your weightloss and efforts are insignifcant and nothing to be happy about" but what he really meant was "I could pee and lose 3 pounds." :laugh: I was completely reading WAYYYYY too much into what he said. Of course he was happy for me and proud of me, which is now what he tells me when I tell him how much weight I've lost. :laugh:

sdiessner

Okay I usually don't have anything to say...but this time I have to. So many people here are saying "not sure if you should marry this guy" or you have serious issues here.

Let me just tell you my story. After years of being unhappy with myself, complaining about not having anything to wear or not looking cute in what I do have, I lost 45 pounds and got back into a six...14 years of not seeing that size! I started enjoying my food again after such a long period of denying myself. My husband started saying a few things about what I ate. Mostly something along the lines of "do you think that is smart?" or " no we aren't stopping for ice cream". One day I was so frustrated and asked why? And we got heated. It was all because he watched me gain weight and all along being unhappy with myself, I lost it and felt great (and it showed). He didn't want me to have to go through it again. It was hard for him to watch it be hard for me. Plus he did have some advantages to having a hotter wife. Recently I had some health issues and have gained it all back and here we go agian. I wish I had listened to him.

I don't get upset if he is trying to be a sound of reason to me. Your guy might just need to word it a little differently so it doesn't hurt your feelings. You should communicate that with him. But as long as he isn't starving you and just trying to help he is within his right to say something. If you are to be his wife, he should care about your health and what you eat has direct influence.

thumper44

First, you've lost alot of weight, congrats..

But to the responses...Holy smoke ladies.
You want to hang the guy for helping and being supportive. Yes , maybe it sounded like he didn't bring it up the right way.

Men. We can't win no matter what.

Would you like us to sit there while you eat the bad foods you shouldn't eat and say nothing.
Or should we help out in motivating and say you don't ned this, it's junk.


I've read this already online so many times. (That's why I don't agree with tempting foods in the house)

It's ok, I'll just have one scoop, or one serving of ice cream.(In moderation right?)
Now it went to the 2nd day in a row. Is this still considered in moderation?
What if it went to the 3rd day?
When is a man allowed to be supportive and help out.
What if he threw out the ice cream after the 2nd day?



I would like to ask all you ladies that responded, what if it was the other way around.
What if your man lost weight, and he had a hard time before with sweets, and he decided he wanted to eat something that was bad for him, Chocolate bars, ice cream.
First time you wouldn't say anything?
But after the 2nd day? the 3rd day? Would you sit quiet?

I know there are many women that would throw out those treats on their man.
True?

mmnichol

IMHO....this is a red flag that's waving. It's up to you whether you chose to ignore it or not!!

silvertears

First, you've lost alot of weight, congrats..

But to the responses...Holy smoke ladies.
You want to hang the guy for helping and being supportive. Yes , maybe it sounded like he didn't bring it up the right way.

Men. We can't win no matter what.

Would you like us to sit there while you eat the bad foods you shouldn't eat and say nothing.
Or should we help out in motivating and say you don't ned this, it's junk.


I've read this already online so many times. (That's why I don't agree with tempting foods in the house)

It's ok, I'll just have one scoop, or one serving of ice cream.(In moderation right?)
Now it went to the 2nd day in a row. Is this still considered in moderation?
What if it went to the 3rd day?
When is a man allowed to be supportive and help out.
What if he threw out the ice cream after the 2nd day?



I would like to ask all you ladies that responded, what if it was the other way around.
What if your man lost weight, and he had a hard time before with sweets, and he decided he wanted to eat something that was bad for him, Chocolate bars, ice cream.
First time you wouldn't say anything?
But after the 2nd day? the 3rd day? Would you sit quiet?

I know there are many women that would throw out those treats on their man.
True?

I agree that jumping to the conclusion that he's abusive and she needs to leave him is extreme. However...

I think what most women here have difficulty with is that she said he DEMANDED she stop eating the ice cream. I would expect my husband to point out to me if I were sabotaging myself, but God help him if he ever DEMANDS that I do anything. I would never demand that my husband not eat something. Even when my husband's military career was on the line and he wouldn't go to the gym, I never once demanded that he go to the gym. Suggested, yes. It's not what her boyfriend did, but the way he did it. Very different. If it's a communication issue, they need to work on it before it progresses. If it's a control issue... well..