boyfriend mad at me for cheating!

Kpablo

Trust me, this is SO not about the ice cream.

There are other issues at play here and you and he talking, really honestly, are the only ones who can figure them out.

100% agree.

This sounds more like a control issue than a dieting/ice cream issue. My husband says perhaps you should eat so and so instead of so and so. He would not ever get mad at me over my decisions. Your spouse should love you unconditionally whether heavy, skinny, chucky, ice cream or no ice cream. Anger is not a motivational tool, quite the opposite. For example, when I'm upset, ice cream is the first thing I go for.

Another thing to think about, I think premarital councilling should be mandatory for every couple getting married.

silvertears

:huh:

Don't take that from him. He either needs to know that's not the type of "motivation" you need or he needs to know not to speak to you like that.

aariel22

I definitely think that he has good intentions, and he treats me really well. I don't feel abused at all, just misunderstood. I think that he sometimes forgets that I am not a direct extension of him, and he does not understand cravings or moods. Now that I think about it, he was not as much angry with me as much straight up trying to control me like he would try to control his right arm. He has a stubborn nature and did not respect my refusal.
That is what made me really angry. I would have understood the subtle reminder, " do you really consciously want to eat those empty calories?", but the continued pestering made it so that I could not simply enjoy my delicious treat. I guess that my continued anger comes from a lifetime of being overweight and the low self esteem that comes with that. I am finally happy with my body, and I don't want one iota of low self-esteem creating negativity in my life.

hedkie

your boyfriend sounds disturbed. if he's trying this hard to control you now, how will it be after decades of wedded bliss?! i agree with the above comments that this is NOT about the ice cream.

FluffnStuff

I say you talk to him. Let him know that you appreciate him trying to help you stay on track but it wasn't done in a way you found supportive and made you feel bad about yourself (even if it was a little bit). Then let him how know he could remind you in a supportive way.

It was a little treat, not a full out bender (trust me I do those ALL the time still), being able to incorporate those now and then AND keep control is a good habit to learn as well.

LittleSpy

I would hope this was his poor attempt to help you stay on track in your efforts to be healthy. I also hope his comment about losing weight before dress shopping was for your own sake, too.

A lot of times I find that I read too much into my bf's comments. He can be absolutely oblivious to what some of his words can seem to imply. It sounds like your boyfriend/fiance is the same way.

I remember after my first several days on MFP I was so excited because I had lost 3 pounds. I told my boyfriend and the words out of his mouth were "I could pee and lose 3 pounds." I interpreted that as "your weightloss and efforts are insignifcant and nothing to be happy about" but what he really meant was "I could pee and lose 3 pounds." :laugh: I was completely reading WAYYYYY too much into what he said. Of course he was happy for me and proud of me, which is now what he tells me when I tell him how much weight I've lost. :laugh:

sdiessner

Okay I usually don't have anything to say...but this time I have to. So many people here are saying "not sure if you should marry this guy" or you have serious issues here.

Let me just tell you my story. After years of being unhappy with myself, complaining about not having anything to wear or not looking cute in what I do have, I lost 45 pounds and got back into a six...14 years of not seeing that size! I started enjoying my food again after such a long period of denying myself. My husband started saying a few things about what I ate. Mostly something along the lines of "do you think that is smart?" or " no we aren't stopping for ice cream". One day I was so frustrated and asked why? And we got heated. It was all because he watched me gain weight and all along being unhappy with myself, I lost it and felt great (and it showed). He didn't want me to have to go through it again. It was hard for him to watch it be hard for me. Plus he did have some advantages to having a hotter wife. Recently I had some health issues and have gained it all back and here we go agian. I wish I had listened to him.

I don't get upset if he is trying to be a sound of reason to me. Your guy might just need to word it a little differently so it doesn't hurt your feelings. You should communicate that with him. But as long as he isn't starving you and just trying to help he is within his right to say something. If you are to be his wife, he should care about your health and what you eat has direct influence.

thumper44

First, you've lost alot of weight, congrats..

But to the responses...Holy smoke ladies.
You want to hang the guy for helping and being supportive. Yes , maybe it sounded like he didn't bring it up the right way.

Men. We can't win no matter what.

Would you like us to sit there while you eat the bad foods you shouldn't eat and say nothing.
Or should we help out in motivating and say you don't ned this, it's junk.


I've read this already online so many times. (That's why I don't agree with tempting foods in the house)

It's ok, I'll just have one scoop, or one serving of ice cream.(In moderation right?)
Now it went to the 2nd day in a row. Is this still considered in moderation?
What if it went to the 3rd day?
When is a man allowed to be supportive and help out.
What if he threw out the ice cream after the 2nd day?



I would like to ask all you ladies that responded, what if it was the other way around.
What if your man lost weight, and he had a hard time before with sweets, and he decided he wanted to eat something that was bad for him, Chocolate bars, ice cream.
First time you wouldn't say anything?
But after the 2nd day? the 3rd day? Would you sit quiet?

I know there are many women that would throw out those treats on their man.
True?

mmnichol

IMHO....this is a red flag that's waving. It's up to you whether you chose to ignore it or not!!

silvertears

First, you've lost alot of weight, congrats..

But to the responses...Holy smoke ladies.
You want to hang the guy for helping and being supportive. Yes , maybe it sounded like he didn't bring it up the right way.

Men. We can't win no matter what.

Would you like us to sit there while you eat the bad foods you shouldn't eat and say nothing.
Or should we help out in motivating and say you don't ned this, it's junk.


I've read this already online so many times. (That's why I don't agree with tempting foods in the house)

It's ok, I'll just have one scoop, or one serving of ice cream.(In moderation right?)
Now it went to the 2nd day in a row. Is this still considered in moderation?
What if it went to the 3rd day?
When is a man allowed to be supportive and help out.
What if he threw out the ice cream after the 2nd day?



I would like to ask all you ladies that responded, what if it was the other way around.
What if your man lost weight, and he had a hard time before with sweets, and he decided he wanted to eat something that was bad for him, Chocolate bars, ice cream.
First time you wouldn't say anything?
But after the 2nd day? the 3rd day? Would you sit quiet?

I know there are many women that would throw out those treats on their man.
True?

I agree that jumping to the conclusion that he's abusive and she needs to leave him is extreme. However...

I think what most women here have difficulty with is that she said he DEMANDED she stop eating the ice cream. I would expect my husband to point out to me if I were sabotaging myself, but God help him if he ever DEMANDS that I do anything. I would never demand that my husband not eat something. Even when my husband's military career was on the line and he wouldn't go to the gym, I never once demanded that he go to the gym. Suggested, yes. It's not what her boyfriend did, but the way he did it. Very different. If it's a communication issue, they need to work on it before it progresses. If it's a control issue... well..

salasserrano

You should eat icecream once in a while. Don't deprive yourself too much. If you splurge, just cut down on some other things for the day and excercise like you nomally do. I think you should loose the weight for you. It's too exhausting trying to please everyone.

heather0mc

First, you've lost alot of weight, congrats..

But to the responses...Holy smoke ladies.
You want to hang the guy for helping and being supportive. Yes , maybe it sounded like he didn't bring it up the right way.

Men. We can't win no matter what.

Would you like us to sit there while you eat the bad foods you shouldn't eat and say nothing.
Or should we help out in motivating and say you don't ned this, it's junk.


I've read this already online so many times. (That's why I don't agree with tempting foods in the house)

It's ok, I'll just have one scoop, or one serving of ice cream.(In moderation right?)
Now it went to the 2nd day in a row. Is this still considered in moderation?
What if it went to the 3rd day?
When is a man allowed to be supportive and help out.
What if he threw out the ice cream after the 2nd day?



I would like to ask all you ladies that responded, what if it was the other way around.
What if your man lost weight, and he had a hard time before with sweets, and he decided he wanted to eat something that was bad for him, Chocolate bars, ice cream.
First time you wouldn't say anything?
But after the 2nd day? the 3rd day? Would you sit quiet?

I know there are many women that would throw out those treats on their man.
True?

I agree that jumping to the conclusion that he's abusive and she needs to leave him is extreme. However...

I think what most women here have difficulty with is that she said he DEMANDED she stop eating the ice cream. I would expect my husband to point out to me if I were sabotaging myself, but God help him if he ever DEMANDS that I do anything. I would never demand that my husband not eat something. Even when my husband's military career was on the line and he wouldn't go to the gym, I never once demanded that he go to the gym. Suggested, yes. It's not what her boyfriend did, but the way he did it. Very different. If it's a communication issue, they need to work on it before it progresses. If it's a control issue... well..

i truly see both points.

there are ways to go about talking to another person, ESPECIALLY a fiance'. the way he pestered her is not one of them. she stated she hadnt had ice cream in forever. so, whats the big deal? must be something else going on in his noggin.

if it were me and my 'other' were in her shoes reaching for the frozen yumminess, i would ask if they had had a bad day or something, not say - you cannot eat that! if they said no, i really just want some ice cream i would say - go for it! just dont get all crazy after not having it in forever. then i would probably ask for a bite!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

and honestly, i dont keep the temptations around because its just me and i WILL eat them after a ton of excuses why its ok. the frequency i do it is a little tooooo often, so outta sight outta mind works a lot better for me personally.

anyways, i hope you are able to figure out what might be bugging him. AND congratts on losing all the weight! :drinker: :flowerforyou:

BrendaLee

First, you've lost alot of weight, congrats..

But to the responses...Holy smoke ladies.
You want to hang the guy for helping and being supportive. Yes , maybe it sounded like he didn't bring it up the right way.

Men. We can't win no matter what.

Would you like us to sit there while you eat the bad foods you shouldn't eat and say nothing.
Or should we help out in motivating and say you don't ned this, it's junk.


I've read this already online so many times. (That's why I don't agree with tempting foods in the house)

It's ok, I'll just have one scoop, or one serving of ice cream.(In moderation right?)
Now it went to the 2nd day in a row. Is this still considered in moderation?
What if it went to the 3rd day?
When is a man allowed to be supportive and help out.
What if he threw out the ice cream after the 2nd day?



I would like to ask all you ladies that responded, what if it was the other way around.
What if your man lost weight, and he had a hard time before with sweets, and he decided he wanted to eat something that was bad for him, Chocolate bars, ice cream.
First time you wouldn't say anything?
But after the 2nd day? the 3rd day? Would you sit quiet?

I know there are many women that would throw out those treats on their man.
True?

It's not about him being supportive, thumper, every woman wants a supportive man, but if she's stressed about it, it's obviously not positive support. No one can bully you into losing weight. We all know what we should and shouldn't be eating...It would make me miserable if every time I had a bowl of ice cream or a piece of chocolate there was someone over my shoulder saying, "You don't need that!" I know I don't need it, but that's my decision to make, ya know?

She does need to look at whether he's controlling in other ways. If it's just about food, and he's good in every other way, then it's something a person could deal with...no matter how annoying it would be. No one wants their significant other to act like a parent.

aariel22

Thanks everyone for responding. I am not angry anymore. I went home for lunch and he apologized for being insensitive. We do have a lot of work to do on communication and control issues, but we have come a long way already. We have been together for over a decade- since we were teenagers- and we have already tackled several of life's greatest challenges together.
I am glad that I stood up for myself since I think body-issues can be really destructive. Don't worry- I am not ignoring any red flags.

heather0mc

Thanks everyone for responding. I am not angry anymore. I went home for lunch and he apologized for being insensitive. We do have a lot of work to do on communication and control issues, but we have come a long way already. We have been together for over a decade- since we were teenagers- and we have already tackled several of life's greatest challenges together.
I am glad that I stood up for myself since I think body-issues can be really destructive. Don't worry- I am not ignoring any red flags.

good for you girl! :flowerforyou: and thank you for the interesting topic! :drinker:

reefkeeper

Ok. It is okay to tell her, without being a jerk, that it will not help with her end goal. It is also ok to tell her, if she wants it, to make room in her calories or exercise the sweets out. It is also ok to endulge. WHAT IS JUST PLAIN NOT RIGHT, is demanding anything of your better half. We are adilts and we do what we want. Doing stuff like that gives you eating disorders, not healthier eating habits. Ask my wife, she is a member of mfp also, and I have never and would never address it that way. I also have a relative who sleepeats from this kind of passive aggressive behavior.

Just my .02 for what its worth.

burbuja

This is just my opinion but I think your bf was wrong to tell you to not start dress shopping until you lost some weight. That's what I find wrong here. I think it's good for him to support you in your weightloss journey and tell you to put the ice cream away IF that's what you want.

I honestly think he was wrong to have made the initial comment, if my husband of seven and a half years would have told me to loss weight before going dress shopping I would have seriously reconsidered, why...because you will sometime in your life gain a little weight or look less than flattering and he is supposed to be the person you trsut the most to be around, the person that will understand your bloated or that you look like crap because you've got the flu etc.

This is MY personal opinion.

Good luck with your weight loss journey and congrats on the success!

burbuja

First, you've lost alot of weight, congrats..

But to the responses...Holy smoke ladies.
You want to hang the guy for helping and being supportive. Yes , maybe it sounded like he didn't bring it up the right way.

Men. We can't win no matter what.

Would you like us to sit there while you eat the bad foods you shouldn't eat and say nothing.
Or should we help out in motivating and say you don't ned this, it's junk.


I've read this already online so many times. (That's why I don't agree with tempting foods in the house)

It's ok, I'll just have one scoop, or one serving of ice cream.(In moderation right?)
Now it went to the 2nd day in a row. Is this still considered in moderation?
What if it went to the 3rd day?
When is a man allowed to be supportive and help out.
What if he threw out the ice cream after the 2nd day?



I would like to ask all you ladies that responded, what if it was the other way around.
What if your man lost weight, and he had a hard time before with sweets, and he decided he wanted to eat something that was bad for him, Chocolate bars, ice cream.
First time you wouldn't say anything?
But after the 2nd day? the 3rd day? Would you sit quiet?

I know there are many women that would throw out those treats on their man.
True?

I find it funny how everyone is quoting you so I thought I would do the same just to give you my opinion.

I think in a marriage we do need to support each other but I also believe it would have been different if she would have been the one to say I don't want to dress shop UNTIL I lose some weight. Then I could understand he was probably just giving her some tough love, his way of saying or letting her know that she has worked too hard to let herself go with the ice cream...which to be honest would still be a little too much...it's not like she'll gain the twenty some pounds with one night of ice cream but I do see your point and I agree he was trying to be supportive but in my opinion didn't word it out correctly, who knows maybe he had a rough day at work etc it's beside the point. Like I mentioned before thumper I think you should take into consideration what she wrote before the ice cream. Imagine if your wife would have told you, you can't go tuxedo shopping until you lose weight. Would that have made you feel good about yourself?

I'm glad they worked it out.