need advice from men and women *warning TMI*

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24

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  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    Have you been living in my house???????????
    We used to have a very active sex life and it seems like since I have started dieting it has fizzled. What the heck is up with THAT???
    I just don't get it....literally =)


    @abcmom03 - to make matter worse I am hitting my prime and am going nuts!
  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    I am married 12years / 39years old
    over the last 2 years have lost 125lbs
    over the last 6 years my hubby has been mildly depressed and finally seen a therapist recently and is thankfully much better.
    I deeply love hime - I know he loves me but there are time I feel that he is not IN love with me.
    my problem is that while I was heavy - I didn't mind being the initiator behind closed doors.
    since my weight change I feel more sexier, curvies and people notice. I am definitely more wanting of him only he is not.
    He does nothing to "seduce me" and is only interested in quickies....when he is interested. Even that is maximum 4 times a month. I have stopped trying to "seduce" him because I feel I shouldn't have to always be the initiator.

    I have requested he look up seduction techniques or I told him he could lay a nightie on the bed and I would change as soon I got home. Over a period of months he has not done it once...

    I am just asking for a fresh perspective....

    thank you.

    SAME HERE!! we used to go at it almost every day, since i started eating healthy about a month ago ive gotten it maybe twice. weird.

    @pittskaa - Thanks for responding. I don't know what to tell ya....I am besides myself here...I wish you the best!!!
  • BerryH
    BerryH Posts: 4,698 Member
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    Is your husband on antidepressants? Some cause a reduction in libido and sexual dysfunction, including anorgasmia.
  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    Some men need to be told. Were having sex tonight. Or Not tonight.

    In seriousness. Talk to him, be open, and listen to see what he has to say. If he truely loves you, it shouldnt matter how you look or what size you are.

    @seanorawe thanks for responding!!
    I did 11 years of doing the telling - sometimes he was tired or said tomorrow and it gets long forgotten. But watching baseball/football or hockey is fine....don't get me wrong I can watch it too but if I stop asking for it - would you come to me for it.....or wonder why.

    We spoken over a period of many months about it. He agrees I should not have to feel this way...Therapy is a step in the right direction but now it seem the excuse is he just wants to do it and be done with it. I have bought nighties - favored stuff (only used once) sorry this is not a one sided marriage. He loves me but doesn't LOVE me..... I am going to have to see the therapist too....I don't want to be a cheater. Never thought of myself doing it - but seriously now I know why people do.
  • meggawatt
    meggawatt Posts: 145 Member
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    **edited as I am reading some of your responses to other posters. You're in a tricky situation. Sounds like my advice is worthless since you've already tried it. Therapy is in order. Ask him about an open marriage? If he can't be intimate he ought to at least understand you have needs.

    I say seduce, seduce, and seduce some more. He may take a while to come around but chances are he will eventually. Then he’ll be chasing you. Let him know you WANT him.

    When initiating, don’t make it about your needs because he may fear that he’ll disappoint, which will leave him hesitant to engage and/or initiate. Take matters into your own hands if you must and let him know you need the connection with or without a big “O”. Take your time and literally show him what you want, set the pace and take what you need, give back a ton and everyone will be happy.

    While you’re going all that initiating & seducing, you just may learn a thing or two about yourself, your needs, wants, and desires. You’ve done your part to become a healthy, sexy, and desirable woman yourself, be PROUD and be POWERFUL!
  • Halleeon
    Halleeon Posts: 309 Member
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    I agree with the therapy...perhaps you might like to go by yourself and work out how you feel and perhaps what you might need to improve upon first - also, it gives you the chance to vent to someone in private (and someone who is qualified to help.) Then perhaps, suggest he do the same, and then come together and talk. With these sensitive issues, there is always so much at play and at stake. The best thing is to find some sort of compromise and not beat yourselves up. :) My two cents...even though I completely understand how much more complicated what you are going through is.
  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    You both should seduce each other. It shouldn't fall to just one of you to do so.

    But is his depression still taking a toll on him. It could definitely decrease his libido. Have you told him what you wanted in terms of more seduction on his part? I know you probably feel after 12 years you shouldn't have to spell out what it is you want from him but maybe in this case you just tell him what you are missing in that department and he will go from there. Especially if for so long you were taking the initiative more. He may have gotten comfortable with that.

    Just curious....has he complimented you and supported you through your weight loss?

    @Spanntastic12 Thanks for responding..
    We been talking over a long period of months now. He has no problem with his erection, He just doesn't want to do it or just as fast as we can get it over with. I am just going to do the therapy route.....I think he likes being married and having someone take care of him but not the intimate part...
  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    Have you asked him what is going on? Tell him how you feel and that may open the gates for more communication.

    I agree with hbrittingham, see if you can go with him to his therapists. Or maybe you go by yourself and talk to the therapist.

    @lullaby10 - Thanks so much for responding..
    We have been communicating about it for months now - I am going to do the therapy route....
  • downinaggieland98
    downinaggieland98 Posts: 224 Member
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    **edited as I am reading some of your responses to other posters. You're in a tricky situation. Sounds like my advice is worthless since you've already tried it. Therapy is in order. Ask him about an open marriage? If he can't be intimate he ought to at least understand you have needs.

    What??? No, just no.

    A good heart to heart is in order! Best of luck to you and congrats on your amazing weight loss!
  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    Seek counseling, a pastor, therapy, too many issues probably for casual 'friends' to help you with. But don't give up!

    @preaser - thanks so much for responding

    I am going to do the therapist route...I know I just wanted another perspective. I always play devils advocate and give the benefit of the doubt.
  • meggawatt
    meggawatt Posts: 145 Member
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    **edited as I am reading some of your responses to other posters. You're in a tricky situation. Sounds like my advice is worthless since you've already tried it. Therapy is in order. Ask him about an open marriage? If he can't be intimate he ought to at least understand you have needs.

    What??? No, just no.

    A good heart to heart is in order! Best of luck to you and congrats on your amazing weight loss!

    I know it sounds awful, but she says its been this way for years and in his words she is a chore and its too much work to spend 45 minutes with her in bed. Heart to heart yes of course, but she is considering cheating. An open marriage would be more honest and could be a win win.
  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    Is your husband on antidepressants? Some cause a reduction in libido and sexual dysfunction, including anorgasmia.

    @BerryH - Thank you for responding

    No, he is not on any meds. I can tell you he says that he doesn't have the drive. He has no problem with getting an erection. I am going the therapy route.
  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    **edited as I am reading some of your responses to other posters. You're in a tricky situation. Sounds like my advice is worthless since you've already tried it. Therapy is in order. Ask him about an open marriage? If he can't be intimate he ought to at least understand you have needs.

    What??? No, just no.

    A good heart to heart is in order! Best of luck to you and congrats on your amazing weight loss!

    I know it sounds awful, but she says its been this way for years and in his words she is a chore and its too much work to spend 45 minutes with her in bed. Heart to heart yes of course, but she is considering cheating. An open marriage would be more honest and could be a win win.

    @downinaggiela
    @meggawatt

    Thank you both!! I feel great.:happy:

    No, It doesn't sound awful - I am/was tempted to cheat but I not doing it. I made my vows and I am sticking to it. If after therapy he will not "work" with me then I am going to seek separation. I should not have to beg & chase - I am not hideous but I feel He should "worship my body" like I do his...make me at least feel desirable.. I am going to be 40 and we still have no kids.....I've been very patient. I am calling to make the therapy appointment this afternoon.
  • lalaa2012
    lalaa2012 Posts: 20
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    Firstly, sorry to hear that you're having those issues :-(

    As you say that your husband has suffered from depression, perhaps it's a confidence issue for him, even subconscious? I know you say that he has responded well to counselling, but there could still be an underlying problem.

    The only advice I can give is to talk to him, if he is willing! I am lucky in that my husband is very open, I know not everyone is though. Tell him how you're feeling, ask him if there is anything he wants. Bite the bullet & be direct; he'll never know what you want if you don't tell him! I broached the subject of handcuffs with mine the other day. Hey, it was worth a try!! ;-)


    @fiona2785
    Don't be sorry....We've been talking for a longggg time now. I am making an appointment with a therapist this afternoon. I am glad be able to vent and hear other people perspectives.. Thank you so much!
  • JediSwan
    JediSwan Posts: 455 Member
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    Some men need to be told. Were having sex tonight. Or Not tonight.

    In seriousness. Talk to him, be open, and listen to see what he has to say. If he truely loves you, it shouldnt matter how you look or what size you are.

    Best advice ever says my husband. I am 90% initiator in our relationship and always have been. Men need to be told straight up things and this is not an exception. Direct conversation works. Sometimes depression can get in the way of things and maybe he doesn't notice what's going on. But talking is a good way to start. I wish you luck!
  • ErinBeth7
    ErinBeth7 Posts: 1,625 Member
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    Talk to him. No on here can give you the right answer.
  • fatboypup
    fatboypup Posts: 1,873 Member
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    WOW .... usually its the woman not wanting to have sex, this gives me hope
  • surfteam1689
    surfteam1689 Posts: 73 Member
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    The church didn't create marriage. God created marriage because it was not "good" that man should be alone. With God's grace, and serious commitment, any couple can have an awesome marriage! :-)
  • sjebert
    sjebert Posts: 212 Member
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    The other way around at mine
  • invictus8
    invictus8 Posts: 258 Member
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    Be completely honest with him -- clear, open communication is always the best route for everyone involved. It can be tough to do, of course. Also, note that dieting tends to dampen a person's sex drive, so that explains part of it.

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