How do you move past the horrible comments

katejkelley

I understand how those horrible words cut you. I still remember things people said years ago, even though they were never true - or really never meant to hurt. It's hard to let go. But remember, you are in control of you. I sometimes tell myself, "let it roll" as in, roll off my back. Make yourself think of positive things you have done or people have said. People who would say such hateful things are usually not worth caring that much about. That your brother and your mother said such things to you is very sad. But you can be a better person than they are. :flowerforyou:

arbrewst

I think a lot of people judge from their own insecurities. I think the first step for dealing with ugly comments from family members is to tell them how their comments make you feel. To fix the problem they need to know there is a problem.

KeriW626

I am still working this issue. I like the forgive them you forgive yourself, way positive. However, I just turned it into an ED. Which is a daily battle, for ohhhh 34 yrs now. With the help of MFP and my friends I am doing a damn fine job. Those people who made the rude remarks are now dealing with their own issues. :yawn:

17ChargerGirl17

I am seriously shocked and actually horrified that some of your own mothers would say some of these things to you. I could never, ever imagine my mother or father or even my skinny sisters(which I have two of those as well) saying such hurtful things to me or to anyone else that they love with a weight problem.
I am so sorry that people that love you have said these things to you,. I can imagine how hard it would be to "forgive and forget"....
Just keep up the good work and remember that YOU will have the last laugh...

jhigg11

I always remember that when people feel the need to tear other people down, it's because they feel insecure themselves. So I end up feeling sorry for them, and I don't really care what anyone thinks about how I look. Knowing I am a good person, that's all that matters to me. When I'm old and wrinkly, they won't be commenting on my beauty, they will be commenting on my personality anyway. The only person I ever aim to please is ME.

KeriW626

I have also started a list of all the positive things people say to me, Here at home and in MFP. It helps alot.

ChublessBunny

I've always thought that if people say careless, hurtful things to me or others, they must be wretched, self-loathing, losers...not worth anyone's time or memory. Who would you rather affect you: a self-loathing loser who puts you down, or someone who's compassionate and successful and gives you constructive criticism and positive recognition? I completely understand how hurtful comments can be and how we can hold on to them for years, often even more tightly than compliments, but the choice is yours -- it's up to you whether you'll continue to let losers affect you. Cheers.

gauchogirl

Some of things I am reading here break my heart! I can't imagine hearing that from anyone, let alone someone I cared about. I did grow up hearing my mom say "you're such a pretty girl, if only you could lose some weight..." No one ever used mean words like fat or ugly though...but it does still hurt. I do remember thinking my mom HAD to be a bit crazy though, because I was ****ing awesome and how could she not see that?? LOL

I think most people get away with saying hurtful things because no one ever calls them on their behavior and they don't learn the repercussions of their actions. Someone says something mean and you basically just go away, sad and hurt. I taught my daughters to call people out on their behavior, right then and there. I answer every insult with something along the lines of "I feel so bad for you! To have such low self-esteem that you need to insult me as a way to make yourself feel better..." You can change the words to fit the situation but it always boils down to the same thing: they DO feel bad about themselves, they are cowards and/or bullies and you expressing genuine concern that THEY are the hurting ones just pisses them off and shuts them up. If they keep insulting you, just keep it up. Say "ugh, it just breaks my heart, how much you hurt..."and walk away, shaking your head...I would never let on that it did actually hurt you, always turn it around to concern for them so it looks obvious that the words didn't even register with you, them being so ridiculous and all! When you make it appear that the words they use have no impact on you, as if the don't even exist, they lose their power, over time. They should eventually stop commenting because they see it is useless.

Dealing with the words, privately, is easier. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Another commenter said it earlier and it is one of my most repeated phrases to my kids. Another great one is "what other people think about you is none of your business."

Put your energies into things that make YOU FEEL AWESOME and there won't be any left for feeling hurt by their words.

PurpleEpiphany

The things your family says tend to stick in your head, as do the things you hear at school when you're young. I remember being very young, maybe first or second or something like that, and there was a girl on the buss who used to call me 'piggy' all the time. It's absurd, looking back, because not only was I so young, but the girl herself wasn't exactly the skinniest out there. She was older than me, and of course now as an adult I realize that it's very likely she had insecurities of her own and was taking them out on me, but that just stuck with me. I'll never forget the shame I felt, and how I wished I could just disappear. I think often people who are 'emotional eaters' like myself are people who internalize things, and that's what makes it so hard for us to let go of all of it.

It took me many, many years to start letting go of my insecurities. Belly dance has helped immensely (I can't even begin to tell you how supportive the community is of women of all shapes and sizes), and I found that I had to address those mental issues before I could begin to tackle the physical.

wackyfunster

When I was a child, I cried when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was a teenager, I ate more when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was of age, I drank when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was a middle aged adult, I blamed other people for not valuing who I REALLY was. That didn't work.
When I turned 46, I got my as* off the couch and stopped crying, drinking, overeating and blaming others. It's working! :happy:

THIS
instead of wasting time feeling bad and thinking about other people's opinions about one aspect of your being, spend that time getting fit and healthy, and it will all sort itself out.
No one has ever said, "good things come to those who make themselves feel powerless."
Good things come to those who work their butts off and never give up!

iris8pie

As a size 8 (5'6 tall) , I am constantly "teased" about my "child bearing hips" and "linebacker shoulders". I am not American and didn't even know what a linebacker was! The only compliment I ever got was someone who said I was a classic hourglass, and then followed it up by stating- "HEH- you look like a barbell!!"

Some people will always find something to knock.

1. Appreciate the people around you. If there is something you have appreciated about the people around you, say so. I have lost count of the amount of people in my life who complain all the time that no one is supportive of them, who have themselves not had a single nice thing to say about anybody. I am not implying you are like this, but that generally- the golden rule is a good thing.

2. If someone says something nice to you, look them in the eye and thank them like you mean it. Don't make a self-deprecating remark or wave off their compliment. People are being appreciative, and it is nice to respond like it made a difference.

3. Sometimes people rag to show affection and familiarity. If you believe that these people would stop if they knew they hurt you, tell them. A lot of people who have spent decades calling me "sumo wrestler" have stopped when I finally told them it is hurtful.

4. If they are jerks, they don't matter and don't be ruled by those whose sole purpose is to bring you down to make themselves look cool.

I love this!~ thank you xoxo

Reneefit135

Ah, grasshopper, when you forgive them, you forgive yourself.


Don't waste any more of your life being fat. I was there. Believe me, it's better being fit. By about 10000%.

People say dumb stuff. I know I do it, I'll bet you do it, too. Forgive.

This...When you reach your goals and lose the weight you may still remember the hurtful things. Those things hurt not only because you are overweight but because people you love hurt you. That feeling will not go away by losing the weight it will only go away when you forgive them and realize that many times people say hurtful things out of their own insecurity and ignorance. People especially family and friends for some reason dont get how much what they say hurts. It has happened to all of us and rather we want to admit it or not someone somewhere has memories of something hurtful we said to or about them. ITs part of being imperfect. So when your mind goes to the past and the negative things just remind yourself that we all hurt each other and most times its not on purpose forgive them so that YOU can move on. When you are thin and feeling great and beautiful guess what, someone will have some negative comment to make about something or another it just happens. Its tough to hear and tougher to move past but understanding, forgiveness and sometimes just confronting the issue so that you can move past it is all you can do. Like sometimes i will say "ouch, why are you throwing jabs, that hurt". Sometimes people need to be made aware that what they just said or did HURT.

Oh and being a Friends buff i love the references to Monica and her losing all that weight. I am also reminded of what our dear Phoebe said one time "you cant be mad about the past...its in the past".

Reneefit135

As a size 8 (5'6 tall) , I am constantly "teased" about my "child bearing hips" and "linebacker shoulders". I am not American and didn't even know what a linebacker was! The only compliment I ever got was someone who said I was a classic hourglass, and then followed it up by stating- "HEH- you look like a barbell!!"

Some people will always find something to knock.

1. Appreciate the people around you. If there is something you have appreciated about the people around you, say so. I have lost count of the amount of people in my life who complain all the time that no one is supportive of them, who have themselves not had a single nice thing to say about anybody. I am not implying you are like this, but that generally- the golden rule is a good thing.

2. If someone says something nice to you, look them in the eye and thank them like you mean it. Don't make a self-deprecating remark or wave off their compliment. People are being appreciative, and it is nice to respond like it made a difference.

3. Sometimes people rag to show affection and familiarity. If you believe that these people would stop if they knew they hurt you, tell them. A lot of people who have spent decades calling me "sumo wrestler" have stopped when I finally told them it is hurtful.

4. If they are jerks, they don't matter and don't be ruled by those whose sole purpose is to bring you down to make themselves look cool.

Love this, thank you. I think we all needed to hear that and i couldnt agree more.

Reneefit135

When I was a kid, I was considered an ugly duckling & would always get bullied on. They also make fun of my "strange" appearance since I'm half-Caucasian with a tanned skin. And being in an Asian country where having fair skin is considered beautiful, I also get a lot of bad comments about my tanned skin.

But the worse come when I turned 15, the time when I also started to gain a lot of weight. Being in Asia where the people are generally small, I was already considered big with my natural frame alone & so being overweight is double jeopardy. My mom's Asian relatives keep on making nasty fat comments on me. One time when we were in a shopping mall, we saw one lady who I estimated to be around 250 pounds. My mom then told me this exact words "If you were going to be that big, I would disown you". To make the situation even worst, they all compared me to my Asian looking sister who is naturally skinny. My relationship with my sister suffered because of this & we're still on bad terms as of this time. She was, is & will always be a competitor to me, instead of somebody who I can offer my support. I don't think it will improve. Also I hate my Asian relatives & I erasing my Asian side of blood as well (good thing I don't have their features).

It sucks to be in Asia. Sometimes I even wonder what on earth are we doing here :grumble:

Dont be ashamed of any part of you. Thats not healthy. You cant erase your genes so you may as well figure out how to work with them and make the most of it. There are positives and beauty in every ethnicity enjoy all parts of who you are and i am sure you skin looks AMAZING!!!

Rayzback

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley

Stardiva37

you cant control what someone says,you can only control how you respond:flowerforyou:

slkehl

Remember that it's just life. Everyone has been torn down in one way or another. You can let the school of hard knocks make you or shake you. Let it make you strong and find confidence from within yourself.

celestialmoon

That's just awful!! I went through the same stuff as a child and as an adult. As a matter of fact, just recently. I'm still losing weight, but when you are out there working your weight off and people harass you, you get sick and tired of it. I went to the kids house and told his mother...in tears by the way. I was called, Fatty Mc Fat. She made him apologize, but seriously, the kid had emotional, behavioral and mental issues...why would he do that to someone else knowing he isn't perfect...because people are cruel and in order to feel better about themselves they must insult you.

I don't take it from anyone anymore! If someone insults me, they are likely to be corrected for it or have it come back to them through Karma. That is why I am an animal lover, they love you un-conditonally. I know it's not right to harbor such anger from all of this, but I believe it's healthy to let it out. because bottling it up isn't. You will prove to them that healthy or heavy you deserve to be loved, respected and cared about!

LosingWeight4Good

When I was a child, I cried when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was a teenager, I ate more when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was of age, I drank when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was a middle aged adult, I blamed other people for not valuing who I REALLY was. That didn't work.
When I turned 46, I got my as* off the couch and stopped crying, drinking, overeating and blaming others. It's working! :happy:

THIS
instead of wasting time feeling bad and thinking about other people's opinions about one aspect of your being, spend that time getting fit and healthy, and it will all sort itself out.
No one has ever said, "good things come to those who make themselves feel powerless."
Good things come to those who work their butts off and never give up!

Bingo!

april522

Wow, I'm looking at so many profiles here and seeing all the pretty ladies that get made fun of. I wasn't big in high school, but I had an overbite, so I was always "bugs bunny" or "4-eyes." It does hurt, constantly being called something - but time is the best healer. 15 years later, and I am a much strong and much more confident woman and will be so even more when I loose about 10 more lbs.

ladytinkerbell99

When I was a child, I cried when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was a teenager, I ate more when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was of age, I drank when my feelings were hurt. That didn't work.
When I was a middle aged adult, I blamed other people for not valuing who I REALLY was. That didn't work.
When I turned 46, I got my as* off the couch and stopped crying, drinking, overeating and blaming others. It's working! :happy:

^ I love this - so true!! :drinker:

apedeb09

I remember my brother calling me a "fat cow" when I was about 12 years old.. (he is 12 years old than me) and he also said to me when I had my first boyfriend that "he's going to dump you.. Guys don't like fat chicks."

That hurt me really bad and even thinking about it right now still hurts. I remember when he moved out of state, he called me on the phone a couple months later and told me how sorry he was for that. But it still hurt me.

I've had many more insults from people growing up. I just try not to think about it... Obviously you won't ever forget, but you can choose to forgive.