Scared to get back in the dating scene

Options
CaraColleen
CaraColleen Posts: 110 Member
in Motivation and Support
My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up a few days ago. It has been a very hard break up, and I definitely have been having a hard time recently.

I do not want to start dating anyone any time soon, but I want to try and take steps to the person I used to be before we dated.

The problem, though, is that I don't feel that I am at the weight I want to be while heading back into the single life. I don't feel confident enough to start talking to guys. I've been so comfortable for the past two years and haven't really worried about my weight because I had my boyfriend.

And again, in no way am I looking for a relationship now. So don't think I am rushing into anything. I am just trying to get back to a little bit of normalcy.

So how are you supposed to be single in the college scene when you are feeling far from your best?
«1

Replies

  • Yardtigress
    Yardtigress Posts: 367 Member
    Options
    Hey Cara, lose weight for you, not for some guy in the future. Your comment of taking steps to the person you used to be before you dated your old boyfriend, did you have to change so much to be with him? Be yourself, take time for yourself and don't try to hard you will find someone, you will, someone who wants you.
  • jrkmomma
    jrkmomma Posts: 9
    Options
    I kind of feel your pain, however my situation is that my husband and I have just separated after being together for 18 years! I have recently lost 35 lbs, I was feeling very low about my appearance. I have found though that even though many people tell me how good I look (I'm NO model), I still look at myself and don't like what I see in the mirror. I think it's not so much about what the scale says, it's about how you feel. Whether you're fat or thin, short or tall, single or attached...none of that matters until you become confident in the person you are. Learn to love yourself just as you are. Be the person you want to be, make yourself happy and don't worry about what you do that makes others happy. People are drawn to confident, happy people. Own your confidence and you will be surprised by the amount of people who want to be around you. Focus on the hobbies, interests, and other things that you are drawn to. Make your new life about YOU!
  • Sharyn913
    Sharyn913 Posts: 777 Member
    Options
    As you get older, men start looking for women that have a nice body with curves. Not the overly skinney ones. Work out and eat right for yourself, to gain your confidence back. Not to try to please a man over. If a man will only be attracted to you for your looks, what will happen as you grow older in age and the looks are not so much? Find a man who makes you laugh and loves to be with you weather you are 120lbs or 180lbs!
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
    Options
    My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up a few days ago. It has been a very hard break up, and I definitely have been having a hard time recently.

    I do not want to start dating anyone any time soon, but I want to try and take steps to the person I used to be before we dated.

    The problem, though, is that I don't feel that I am at the weight I want to be while heading back into the single life. I don't feel confident enough to start talking to guys. I've been so comfortable for the past two years and haven't really worried about my weight because I had my boyfriend.

    And again, in no way am I looking for a relationship now. So don't think I am rushing into anything. I am just trying to get back to a little bit of normalcy.

    So how are you supposed to be single in the college scene when you are feeling far from your best?

    FIRST off, you need some time to rediscover yourself, especially after two years with someone. Otherwise, you'll carry your past into your future. So I'm glad you recognize that!
    SECONDLY, do not be afraid of dating and not being perfect. I am, by no means, near my goal weight, but I put myself out there and found an awesome guy. Trying never hurt anyone!

    Good luck!
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    Options
    Cara, I think you are lovely and you seem like you have the right intentions. Most importantly, you DESERVE to feel good about yourself and you DESERVE to be happy! Try to use that as some motivation. The best way to do it is to be proactive. If you are not happy, do something about it....I speak from experience. Working out, losing weight, and being healthier will make you feel tremendous. I was so unhappy with myself before I joined this site and decided to better myself. The best thing to do when being a single young woman is make yourself happy first and foremost. Do not try to do it for anyone else.

    So to wrap it up, I would urge you not try to seek happiness from anyone other than yourself. Learn to love yourself and be happy with who you are. You do not have to talk to guys right now, just worry about having fun with friends and family and being a happy person. Do what makes you feel good about yourself.
  • CaraColleen
    CaraColleen Posts: 110 Member
    Options
    Thank you for all the replies. They are exactly what I needed to hear. I guess after trying to make someone else happy for two years, I have forgotten how to make myself happy and live my life for me.

    I used to be a strong, confident woman. And this relationship took a bit of that away from me. I guess by focusing on myself, I can find that again.

    It's just so scary! :frown:
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    Options
    It is scary, and definitely easier said than done. I like you used to only be worried about pleasing my partner and went through a horrible break up, not to mention just a really dark time in my life as well. You can get that confidence back. I know you can!
  • ChrisRS87
    ChrisRS87 Posts: 781 Member
    Options
    It's a good thing I love myself, because dating sucks.
  • sunshine_gem
    sunshine_gem Posts: 390 Member
    Options
    I know exactly how you feel! I split up with my bf last year and the whole relationship completely knocked my confidence. I've spent 8 months trying to find my confidence and my self esteem and just try to learn to love myself again and it's hard. The extra weight doesn't help. But the others are right. Lose the weight for you not for some faceless guy.

    Take some time out and focus on yourself. You're a beautiful girl and you will find someone again, just don't rush it. It is scary, but have some patience and you'll get there. Hugs!!
  • Natashaa1991
    Natashaa1991 Posts: 866 Member
    Options
    you're gorgeous! and your weight has nothing to do with dating. it's more confidence
  • melinda200208
    melinda200208 Posts: 525 Member
    Options
    My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up a few days ago. It has been a very hard break up, and I definitely have been having a hard time recently.

    I do not want to start dating anyone any time soon, but I want to try and take steps to the person I used to be before we dated.

    The problem, though, is that I don't feel that I am at the weight I want to be while heading back into the single life. I don't feel confident enough to start talking to guys. I've been so comfortable for the past two years and haven't really worried about my weight because I had my boyfriend.

    And again, in no way am I looking for a relationship now. So don't think I am rushing into anything. I am just trying to get back to a little bit of normalcy.

    So how are you supposed to be single in the college scene when you are feeling far from your best?
    Hi! I think first and most importantly, you need to find yourself again. I think if you start working out and having a healthy lifestyle, you will gain your self confidence and hopefully that will help with your grieving process also. Head up, I believe everything happens for a reason and one day when you least expect it you will come across that perfect guy that was meant for you. :) But, first of all concentrate on yourself and do what you need to to may you happy :)
  • DizzyLinds
    DizzyLinds Posts: 856 Member
    Options
    I've been single for two years now after a 3 year relationship. When I first came out the relationship I was kind of really wanting another one as I missed that companionship. I've dated guys on and off and have come to realise what I want....and don't want. I've had so much fun being on my won, learning about myself, doing things when I want and how I want. Sounds a bit selfish I know but I feel like I know myself well. Obviously itd be great to meet the right person but I don't feel the need to rush things as I'm almost so used to being on my own it would take a really special person for me to committ to. I've also learnt how easy it can be to just stay with the wrong person....but there's nothing wrong with being fussy as you should look out for number one !

    I've learnt to enjoy my own space, go on holiday alone, eat alone, have great nights with my friends, spend time with family and focus on what I want! My friends cants believe how confident and independent I am. I want to meet someone who recognises this too.

    With regards to fitness and health, as much as I like to look good and nice in my clothes, ive become to understand I do it for me and no one else. More recently I've gained weight because I eat properly and train hard...none of this excessive cardio and eating nothing like I used to. I feel happier about myself and I defo think that shines when men see you. I too have realised men prefer something that resembles a woman who looks like she enjoys herself but also takes care of her body and shows it respect.
  • cjh03
    cjh03 Posts: 74 Member
    Options
    I kind of feel your pain, however my situation is that my husband and I have just separated after being together for 18 years! I have recently lost 35 lbs, I was feeling very low about my appearance. I have found though that even though many people tell me how good I look (I'm NO model), I still look at myself and don't like what I see in the mirror. I think it's not so much about what the scale says, it's about how you feel. Whether you're fat or thin, short or tall, single or attached...none of that matters until you become confident in the person you are. Learn to love yourself just as you are. Be the person you want to be, make yourself happy and don't worry about what you do that makes others happy. People are drawn to confident, happy people. Own your confidence and you will be surprised by the amount of people who want to be around you. Focus on the hobbies, interests, and other things that you are drawn to. Make your new life about YOU!

    ^^^This!! Take some time for yourself and once you're happy with where YOU'RE at, then you can be happy with someone else. Confidence is attractive, once you have that guys will come easily.

    BTW, it seems as though it was his loss...there will be better out there for you!! :D
  • justann
    justann Posts: 276 Member
    Options
    Forget about the single scene. Think about your interests/hobbies etc and get involved in college clubs and activities that you would enjoy. Even try out some activities that have always interested you but you have never tried before. The beginning of the school year is the perfect time to try out new things and new clubs on campus because there will be plenty of others open for new friendships as well. Enjoy!
  • Angie__1MR
    Angie__1MR Posts: 388 Member
    Options
    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
    Options
    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

    You become comfortable and adapt to their habits and behaviors, hence losing who you are/letting yourself go. Boy, that wasn't hard to explain at all.

    You're sounding quite judgy, by the way.
  • WaterBunnie
    WaterBunnie Posts: 1,370 Member
    Options
    The right man for you will be one that loves you whether you are big or small so discount any idea that you need to slim down to catch a man and just do it for yourself.

    Rushing back into another relationship before you are over the hurt of the last one isn't often a good idea.

    Write yourself a list of the positives of being single and all the things you can now do whenever you want to and start working through them!
  • AshleyBananas
    AshleyBananas Posts: 62
    Options
    Give yourself a little time and when you meet someone it will just click, and know that they need to like you for who you are today not who you'll be in a year or who you were a few years ago. There's an old french song and the lyrics are translated in english of course, i love you, i loved you and i'll always love you. I remember telling this to a boyfriend years ago, he had very bad self esteem. And I needed him to know that whatever the past was he was loved, I currently loved him, and no matter what he did in the future I would love him. Sometimes, I think I could apply this to myself, perhaps you could too? Good luck!
  • ahelgers10
    ahelgers10 Posts: 376 Member
    Options
    When you are ready to get back on the dating scene any guy worth having will think you are beautiful no matter what weight you are. I started dating a guy and then found out I was pregnant by my ex. I was with the new guy for three years and I didn't have to try dating with my post baby weight that 8 years later I am still working on getting off. When I met my husband I didn't feel the best about how I look and he thinks I look great. He supports my weight loss now but has told me many times he will still imagine me at my heavier weight because thats how I looked when he fell in love with me.
  • CaraColleen
    CaraColleen Posts: 110 Member
    Options
    Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

    You become comfortable and adapt to their habits and behaviors, hence losing who you are/letting yourself go. Boy, that wasn't hard to explain at all.

    You're sounding quite judgy, by the way.

    I was also working a 30 hour a week job, plus a 20 hour a week internship at a newspaper, plus taking full-time classes. So I was stress eating to say the least.

Categories