Scared to get back in the dating scene

CaraColleen

My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up a few days ago. It has been a very hard break up, and I definitely have been having a hard time recently.

I do not want to start dating anyone any time soon, but I want to try and take steps to the person I used to be before we dated.

The problem, though, is that I don't feel that I am at the weight I want to be while heading back into the single life. I don't feel confident enough to start talking to guys. I've been so comfortable for the past two years and haven't really worried about my weight because I had my boyfriend.

And again, in no way am I looking for a relationship now. So don't think I am rushing into anything. I am just trying to get back to a little bit of normalcy.

So how are you supposed to be single in the college scene when you are feeling far from your best?

Yardtigress

Hey Cara, lose weight for you, not for some guy in the future. Your comment of taking steps to the person you used to be before you dated your old boyfriend, did you have to change so much to be with him? Be yourself, take time for yourself and don't try to hard you will find someone, you will, someone who wants you.

jrkmomma

I kind of feel your pain, however my situation is that my husband and I have just separated after being together for 18 years! I have recently lost 35 lbs, I was feeling very low about my appearance. I have found though that even though many people tell me how good I look (I'm NO model), I still look at myself and don't like what I see in the mirror. I think it's not so much about what the scale says, it's about how you feel. Whether you're fat or thin, short or tall, single or attached...none of that matters until you become confident in the person you are. Learn to love yourself just as you are. Be the person you want to be, make yourself happy and don't worry about what you do that makes others happy. People are drawn to confident, happy people. Own your confidence and you will be surprised by the amount of people who want to be around you. Focus on the hobbies, interests, and other things that you are drawn to. Make your new life about YOU!

Sharyn913

As you get older, men start looking for women that have a nice body with curves. Not the overly skinney ones. Work out and eat right for yourself, to gain your confidence back. Not to try to please a man over. If a man will only be attracted to you for your looks, what will happen as you grow older in age and the looks are not so much? Find a man who makes you laugh and loves to be with you weather you are 120lbs or 180lbs!

AJ_Pete

My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up a few days ago. It has been a very hard break up, and I definitely have been having a hard time recently.

I do not want to start dating anyone any time soon, but I want to try and take steps to the person I used to be before we dated.

The problem, though, is that I don't feel that I am at the weight I want to be while heading back into the single life. I don't feel confident enough to start talking to guys. I've been so comfortable for the past two years and haven't really worried about my weight because I had my boyfriend.

And again, in no way am I looking for a relationship now. So don't think I am rushing into anything. I am just trying to get back to a little bit of normalcy.

So how are you supposed to be single in the college scene when you are feeling far from your best?

FIRST off, you need some time to rediscover yourself, especially after two years with someone. Otherwise, you'll carry your past into your future. So I'm glad you recognize that!
SECONDLY, do not be afraid of dating and not being perfect. I am, by no means, near my goal weight, but I put myself out there and found an awesome guy. Trying never hurt anyone!

Good luck!

iLoveMyPitbull1225

Cara, I think you are lovely and you seem like you have the right intentions. Most importantly, you DESERVE to feel good about yourself and you DESERVE to be happy! Try to use that as some motivation. The best way to do it is to be proactive. If you are not happy, do something about it....I speak from experience. Working out, losing weight, and being healthier will make you feel tremendous. I was so unhappy with myself before I joined this site and decided to better myself. The best thing to do when being a single young woman is make yourself happy first and foremost. Do not try to do it for anyone else.

So to wrap it up, I would urge you not try to seek happiness from anyone other than yourself. Learn to love yourself and be happy with who you are. You do not have to talk to guys right now, just worry about having fun with friends and family and being a happy person. Do what makes you feel good about yourself.

CaraColleen

Thank you for all the replies. They are exactly what I needed to hear. I guess after trying to make someone else happy for two years, I have forgotten how to make myself happy and live my life for me.

I used to be a strong, confident woman. And this relationship took a bit of that away from me. I guess by focusing on myself, I can find that again.

It's just so scary! :frown:

iLoveMyPitbull1225

It is scary, and definitely easier said than done. I like you used to only be worried about pleasing my partner and went through a horrible break up, not to mention just a really dark time in my life as well. You can get that confidence back. I know you can!

ChrisRS87

It's a good thing I love myself, because dating sucks.

sunshine_gem

I know exactly how you feel! I split up with my bf last year and the whole relationship completely knocked my confidence. I've spent 8 months trying to find my confidence and my self esteem and just try to learn to love myself again and it's hard. The extra weight doesn't help. But the others are right. Lose the weight for you not for some faceless guy.

Take some time out and focus on yourself. You're a beautiful girl and you will find someone again, just don't rush it. It is scary, but have some patience and you'll get there. Hugs!!

Natashaa1991

you're gorgeous! and your weight has nothing to do with dating. it's more confidence

melinda200208

My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up a few days ago. It has been a very hard break up, and I definitely have been having a hard time recently.

I do not want to start dating anyone any time soon, but I want to try and take steps to the person I used to be before we dated.

The problem, though, is that I don't feel that I am at the weight I want to be while heading back into the single life. I don't feel confident enough to start talking to guys. I've been so comfortable for the past two years and haven't really worried about my weight because I had my boyfriend.

And again, in no way am I looking for a relationship now. So don't think I am rushing into anything. I am just trying to get back to a little bit of normalcy.

So how are you supposed to be single in the college scene when you are feeling far from your best?

Hi! I think first and most importantly, you need to find yourself again. I think if you start working out and having a healthy lifestyle, you will gain your self confidence and hopefully that will help with your grieving process also. Head up, I believe everything happens for a reason and one day when you least expect it you will come across that perfect guy that was meant for you. But, first of all concentrate on yourself and do what you need to to may you happy

DizzyLinds

I've been single for two years now after a 3 year relationship. When I first came out the relationship I was kind of really wanting another one as I missed that companionship. I've dated guys on and off and have come to realise what I want....and don't want. I've had so much fun being on my won, learning about myself, doing things when I want and how I want. Sounds a bit selfish I know but I feel like I know myself well. Obviously itd be great to meet the right person but I don't feel the need to rush things as I'm almost so used to being on my own it would take a really special person for me to committ to. I've also learnt how easy it can be to just stay with the wrong person....but there's nothing wrong with being fussy as you should look out for number one !

I've learnt to enjoy my own space, go on holiday alone, eat alone, have great nights with my friends, spend time with family and focus on what I want! My friends cants believe how confident and independent I am. I want to meet someone who recognises this too.

With regards to fitness and health, as much as I like to look good and nice in my clothes, ive become to understand I do it for me and no one else. More recently I've gained weight because I eat properly and train hard...none of this excessive cardio and eating nothing like I used to. I feel happier about myself and I defo think that shines when men see you. I too have realised men prefer something that resembles a woman who looks like she enjoys herself but also takes care of her body and shows it respect.

cjh03

I kind of feel your pain, however my situation is that my husband and I have just separated after being together for 18 years! I have recently lost 35 lbs, I was feeling very low about my appearance. I have found though that even though many people tell me how good I look (I'm NO model), I still look at myself and don't like what I see in the mirror. I think it's not so much about what the scale says, it's about how you feel. Whether you're fat or thin, short or tall, single or attached...none of that matters until you become confident in the person you are. Learn to love yourself just as you are. Be the person you want to be, make yourself happy and don't worry about what you do that makes others happy. People are drawn to confident, happy people. Own your confidence and you will be surprised by the amount of people who want to be around you. Focus on the hobbies, interests, and other things that you are drawn to. Make your new life about YOU!

^^^This!! Take some time for yourself and once you're happy with where YOU'RE at, then you can be happy with someone else. Confidence is attractive, once you have that guys will come easily.

BTW, it seems as though it was his loss...there will be better out there for you!!

justann

Forget about the single scene. Think about your interests/hobbies etc and get involved in college clubs and activities that you would enjoy. Even try out some activities that have always interested you but you have never tried before. The beginning of the school year is the perfect time to try out new things and new clubs on campus because there will be plenty of others open for new friendships as well. Enjoy!

Angie__1MR

Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

AJ_Pete

Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

You become comfortable and adapt to their habits and behaviors, hence losing who you are/letting yourself go. Boy, that wasn't hard to explain at all.

You're sounding quite judgy, by the way.

WaterBunnie

The right man for you will be one that loves you whether you are big or small so discount any idea that you need to slim down to catch a man and just do it for yourself.

Rushing back into another relationship before you are over the hurt of the last one isn't often a good idea.

Write yourself a list of the positives of being single and all the things you can now do whenever you want to and start working through them!

AshleyBananas

Give yourself a little time and when you meet someone it will just click, and know that they need to like you for who you are today not who you'll be in a year or who you were a few years ago. There's an old french song and the lyrics are translated in english of course, i love you, i loved you and i'll always love you. I remember telling this to a boyfriend years ago, he had very bad self esteem. And I needed him to know that whatever the past was he was loved, I currently loved him, and no matter what he did in the future I would love him. Sometimes, I think I could apply this to myself, perhaps you could too? Good luck!

ahelgers10

When you are ready to get back on the dating scene any guy worth having will think you are beautiful no matter what weight you are. I started dating a guy and then found out I was pregnant by my ex. I was with the new guy for three years and I didn't have to try dating with my post baby weight that 8 years later I am still working on getting off. When I met my husband I didn't feel the best about how I look and he thinks I look great. He supports my weight loss now but has told me many times he will still imagine me at my heavier weight because thats how I looked when he fell in love with me.

CaraColleen

Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

You become comfortable and adapt to their habits and behaviors, hence losing who you are/letting yourself go. Boy, that wasn't hard to explain at all.

You're sounding quite judgy, by the way.

I was also working a 30 hour a week job, plus a 20 hour a week internship at a newspaper, plus taking full-time classes. So I was stress eating to say the least.

ohnuts14

I understand being insecure because of your weight, as much as we try to accept and love ourselves, it's a lot easier said than done. But, we always have to try. Weight loss is not something you do to attract someone. That motivation won't stick. If you meet the right person, they'll like you for who you are. If you want to lose weight, you have to do it because you WANT to lose weight, for you, not for some guy you don't even know yet. You do what you need to do, but guys will like you for who you are. Trust me, I'm 270 lbs and attracting guys has not been an issue for me, :P not now and not when I was over 300. I am insecure, about my body, and about how I look, but I also always remind myself that my looks are only one small part of who I am, and there's much more to me than that. Any guy who has taken the time to get to know me a little has been able to see past my weight, and any guy who gets to know you will like you even if you have a few extra pounds. Part of me, of course, does want to lose weight because I feel I'd be happier with how I look, it's normal. We all want to look better, that's just our nature. It's just not the most important reason. When we want to loook better, even though we think we're doing it for ourselves, and of course it partly is, it's also kind of more for other people, so if it's the ONLY reason, it's very easy to get discouraged. I do want to look better, but I want to lose weight because it will better my life, and life is short, and enjoying my life to the fullest means being healthy, physically capable of doing all of the things I can't that I've always wanted to, and not letting my weight hold me back from anything. You can definitely do this, but do it for you, babe.

ohnuts14

Forget about the single scene. Think about your interests/hobbies etc and get involved in college clubs and activities that you would enjoy. Even try out some activities that have always interested you but you have never tried before. The beginning of the school year is the perfect time to try out new things and new clubs on campus because there will be plenty of others open for new friendships as well. Enjoy!

This. I always found that after a break up, I liked doing things on my own for a while, getting involved in new activities, in clubs, and just doing things for me -- like learning a new language, picking up a new hobby, learning something I've been wanting to learn. Break ups are really really hard, but provide a unique experience to discover new things about yourself. You don't have to force the dating scene. It can be pretty rough, and heart-achey, especially when you're fresh out of a relationship, so you have the right idea in wanting to take it slow. Sometimes getting involved in your community, in school, in clubs and other activities will usually provide that potential as well, and in a much more comfortable, personable environment.

Ekoria

Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend? I've been married over 10 years and damn if I would let myself go, that makes no sense whatsoever.

Ouch that does sound pretty judgemental. I know plenty of people (myself included) that become "comfortable/complacent" in a relationship. It's pretty easy to put on some extra weight, or maybe forget to shave your legs every day I don't know that it warrants some one saying "Why would you let yourself go just because you had a boyfriend". Surely it's a good thing to an extent? It shows how comfortable you are with the person you have chosen to be with. I see it that the more comfortable you are with your partner the less likely you are to feel that you have to keep yourself in tip top condition to ensure your other half doesn't run away?

Any way that aside to the OP: I think you have to be selfish right now. I know it is so hard when it feels like your whole world has been changed, it's hard to remember how to act as some one on their own. As some one else said above you seem to be in a really strong position to make the best of the situation, if you have just started college seize the opportunity to do something you maybe didn't have time to do before because you were with your boyfriend. Throw yourself into a sport that your interested in and that way you can work on your weight loss,build confidence and make some new friends. When you are confident and happy the right person will come along, you are a beautiful girl and have all the time in the world to find someone who deserves you.

Feel free to add me if you want to chat x

Ekoria

an old french song and the lyrics are translated in english of course, i love you, i loved you and i'll always love you. I remember telling this to a boyfriend years ago, he had very bad self esteem. And I needed him to know that whatever the past was he was loved, I currently loved him, and no matter what he did in the future I would love him. Sometimes, I think I could apply this to myself, perhaps you could too? Good luck!

^This is lovely

Jacwhite22

you're cute. You'll be fine. That said....Take this time to do what you need to do for you. Work out.......eat right......get to be happy with yourself and then maybe you can be happy with someone else. I firmly believe if you aren't happy with yourself you won't be truly happy with anyone.

gioisa75

It's a good time just to focus on yourself.

HotAshMess

Gotta find the love for yourself hun. The thing I realized the last time I was single was....I wasn't treating myself the way I wanted to be treated by someone else. You might not be feeling the best right now....the best place to start is to love yourself unconditionally, treat yourself like a princess and like someone you would want to be with. Now is when you can be selfish and take the time to do the things you like, explore new things, find some new hobbies and be selfish with your mind space and your time. You'll get "back out there" when you're ready!!

Trechechus

Take some time to be you. I went through a breakup a few months ago, and have finally started getting back to me, and to be honest, I prefer this version of me to the version of me that was trapped in a going-nowhere BS relationship.

It takes time. No one is asking you to jump back into the dating scene right away. When you stop looking, the right man will come to you.

Trechechus

you're cute. You'll be fine. That said....Take this time to do what you need to do for you. Work out.......eat right......get to be happy with yourself and then maybe you can be happy with someone else. I firmly believe if you aren't happy with yourself you won't be truly happy with anyone.

This, too

juscallmeb

My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up a few days ago. It has been a very hard break up, and I definitely have been having a hard time recently.

I do not want to start dating anyone any time soon, but I want to try and take steps to the person I used to be before we dated.

The problem, though, is that I don't feel that I am at the weight I want to be while heading back into the single life. I don't feel confident enough to start talking to guys. I've been so comfortable for the past two years and haven't really worried about my weight because I had my boyfriend.

And again, in no way am I looking for a relationship now. So don't think I am rushing into anything. I am just trying to get back to a little bit of normalcy.

So how are you supposed to be single in the college scene when you are feeling far from your best?

FIRST off, you need some time to rediscover yourself, especially after two years with someone. Otherwise, you'll carry your past into your future. So I'm glad you recognize that!
SECONDLY, do not be afraid of dating and not being perfect. I am, by no means, near my goal weight, but I put myself out there and found an awesome guy. Trying never hurt anyone!

Good luck!

love this! thank you
i needed that reminder myself


I agree. you should also put yourself first and focus on you. lose the weight for you and be happy with yourself. You're in college - you don't "Have to Have" a boyfriend or be in a relationship... make it the best years of your life. you're young, single and take in all the amazing moments.

if you are not happy with yourself, you won't be happy with anyone.