Double Standards...

AwesomelyAmber

I really need to rise above and 'get over' this... so decided to post a question, mostly in jest but kinda seriously too

Society HATES it when people comment on someone's over-weight or obese status. We are not supposed to tell people that are overweight to exercise, we are not supposed to tell them to put down the cheeseburger and fries and eat an apple, and we are certainly not supposed to say things like "You are getting too fat":noway:

Sooooooo WHY is it ok to tell someone working on a healthier lifestyle that they are 'getting too skinny', or 'you don't need to diet, have some cake', or 'don't exercise so much', or even 'don't be so braggy' when you report a milestone weight loss :huh:

Sometimes I think that these comments come from those that truly mean well and think that you are beautiful just the way you are.
Sometimes I think that these comments come from those that are afraid of being "left in the over-weight world" alone.
Sometimes I think that these comments just come from those that are jealous of the progress that you are making while they sit and do nothing about their own situations...

Whatever the reason, if you have heard these comments HOW do you deal with them? What gets you through the 'hate' and brings you back to 'loving yourself'???
Just wondering :flowerforyou:

Matt_Wild

Agreed. I also hate it if I get ill it gets blame on all the healthy good I eat. WTF!

misswager

I totally agree!!! I feel the same! I am by no means a rail, or TOO skinny. I am lean, athletic and muscular (not bragging). Just because I use to be chunkier doesn't mean I am too skinny now because I lead a healthier lifestyle. I know some individuals MAY get too thin, but I by no means was!

I get quite annoyed, but it doesnt happen often. My family would say things like that and I would just calmly say exactly what you said. They soon change their tune :-)

hellokathy

I guess it really depends on what is said and how and by whom. I like when my friends try to cheer me up and make me feel better but I think it's wrong to have them lie to me or even lie to myself. It also depends on which angle you view it from. Of course, you can be beautiful even with a few pounds too much on your hips but it doesn't change the face that being over-weight is unhealthy and that every pound you lose is a step closer to being healthy. So I think every true friend would try to encourage and support you without making you feel ugly.

LonLB

Sometimes I think that these comments come from those that are afraid of being "left in the over-weight world" alone.
Sometimes I think that these comments just come from those that are jealous of the progress that you are making while they sit and do nothing about their own situations...

THAT'S A GREAT BIG YEP!!!!

mnishi

Take it as a compliment. :flowerforyou: She's jealous of the fact that you can do what she's too weak to accomplish.

beckajw

I really need to rise above and 'get over' this... so decided to post a question, mostly in jest but kinda seriously too

Society HATES it when people comment on someone's over-weight or obese status. We are not supposed to tell people that are overweight to exercise, we are not supposed to tell them to put down the cheeseburger and fries and eat an apple, and we are certainly not supposed to say things like "You are getting too fat":noway:

Sooooooo WHY is it ok to tell someone working on a healthier lifestyle that they are 'getting too skinny', or 'you don't need to diet, have some cake', or 'don't exercise so much', or even 'don't be so braggy' when you report a milestone weight loss :huh:

Sometimes I think that these comments come from those that truly mean well and think that you are beautiful just the way you are.
Sometimes I think that these comments come from those that are afraid of being "left in the over-weight world" alone.
Sometimes I think that these comments just come from those that are jealous of the progress that you are making while they sit and do nothing about their own situations...

Whatever the reason, if you have heard these comments HOW do you deal with them? What gets you through the 'hate' and brings you back to 'loving yourself'???
Just wondering :flowerforyou:

I just say thank you. I take it as a compliment and then continue to do my thing.

AwesomelyAmber

You are all right... yes it does make a difference HOW it is said for sure!
mnishi... you know I heart you bunches!

saragato

It's because society as a whole has a skewed view on what is a "healthy" weight and body shape. Everyone has differing opinions on it while everyone can spot a fat person. (unless you're one of those people that thinks a size 10 is fat) So people will see a healthy person or someone near healthy and they want the proverbial train to stop so that the person doesn't become an anorexic skeleton and therefore become unattractive... again. People believe there's such a thin line between being healthy and being underweight and nothing but bones but they don't see the same for being overweight and being healthy.

I think if anyone tells you you're getting too thin, you need to ask what their definition is because chances are it's different from yours and probably anyone else's. If they tell you that you "don't need to diet", tell them thank you for their opinion but it is your body. The bragging... well people can be jerks.

blondie0942

I cannot STAND this. it's perfectly ok for a fat person to accuse a skinny person of having an ED, but in no way acceptable for skinny people to tell fat people to put down the fork once in a while! urg. and I'm not skinny, honestly I'm average right now, but it's starting to happen to me and it's been going on in the internet for quite some time now.

Let people be happy with their own bodies at whatever weight they choose. Every one of us knows our own body better than anyone else's, ever. People seem to forget that.


edit: and OP, you shouldn't have to "get over it". It is wrong that people are putting down others because they're "too small".

cestlafete

It's also very frustrating when you tell them your goal weight and they automatically respond 'oh, that's too low!' when they don't know how you will look at that weight, nor how you're planning to get there. I am 5'8.5" and have a goal weight of 150-160lbs (depending on muscle content, really). I regularly get that my goal is 'too low' for me, and then the chorus of 'you already look pretty skinny now!'

Let's be real, I'm over 200lbs, and I'm not toned or muscular in the least, with a rather large gut, and I'm relatively short. I have been 150 and moderately muscular and it was not too low, nor was I starving. I was active, I ate like a horse and I was pretty satisfied with how I looked.

I do think some of it is well-intentioned, but it can be frustrating when you're doing well and someone tells you 'oh, I think you only need to lose 10 more, not 50!' I think there is a bit of subconscious, 'don't get really thin or it will reveal how unfit I am in comparison' going on. Sometimes being accepting is what you need, but when you're on a big journey, they need to not placate you with 'well you look fine!' if it's going to be demotivating, or worse, demoralizing.

jcpmoore

Where did you get this? I've never noticed society have any issue whatsoever with telling people they're fat. They do it daily if not every minute. Seriously. Walk into any check out line at any grocery store and look at any women's magazine. What is the one topic that is listed on every single front cover? How to lose 10 lbs. What do you think they are saying? All women are fat. I see enough posts here from folks noting encounters with folks who have no problem telling them they're overweight. Guess what? We know and we're changing.

No, I don't think there's any double standard here. Some people think you should mind your own business all the time. I say do what you think is right. I see no point in telling a total stranger what you think of their meal. You don't know what their story is. But if your friend is unhealthy and you're worried, share that. If they ask you to stop it, then don't do it again. That goes for either end of the scale.

Yes, I do have friends that try to sabotage my weight loss efforts. I've even seen that on here when someone says "I have a tough time eating all my calories" and the answer is "eat some cake already!" I get ticked.

But all in all, I'd say Americans are an equal opportunity, outspoken and rude society. Just MO.

mariposa224

Or when I don't want to go out for excessive drinking with a particular friend (who is also working her way down & doing pretty well, but still...) and she tells me I need to "live a little" or something similar. She tells me I look great (which I appreciate) but also that I should stop. Well, I reached my goal weight today and I'm actually fine with staying right around there, but I'm also ok with going down another 5 lbs. I doubt I'll even tell her about that whole thought process. She uses me as her motivation (she says) to keep getting up and working out daily. She said she tells herself that I did it, so she can too. I'm happy of all those things, I'm glad I can be an inspiration to her. But I don't like it when she says things like "well if you keep on after that goal (140) I'm going to have to do an intervention." Seriously? I'm 5'5" and happy at 140, but 135 isn't going to necessitate anything CLOSE to an intervention. So yeah, I'm with you on this...

brandalini

Drives me insane too...and when someone offers me junk food and I say no thanks I don't eat that, they tell me I'm fussy and one bag of chips or one order of fries won't kill me. Grr! I don't want your greasy frickin' food! I am enjoying my homemade chicken spinach salad THANKS! Hahah

blondie0942

But all in all, I'd say Americans are an equal opportunity, outspoken and rude society. Just MO.

this

saragato

Where did you get this? I've never noticed society have any issue whatsoever with telling people they're fat. They do it daily if not every minute. Seriously. Walk into any check out line at any grocery store and look at any women's magazine. What is the one topic that is listed on every single front cover? How to lose 10 lbs. What do you think they are saying? All women are fat. I see enough posts here from folks noting encounters with folks who have no problem telling them they're overweight. Guess what? We know and we're changing.

No, I don't think there's any double standard here. Some people think you should mind your own business all the time. I say do what you think is right. I see no point in telling a total stranger what you think of their meal. You don't know what their story is. But if your friend is unhealthy and you're worried, share that. If they ask you to stop it, then don't do it again. That goes for either end of the scale.

Yes, I do have friends that try to sabotage my weight loss efforts. I've even seen that on here when someone says "I have a tough time eating all my calories" and the answer is "eat some cake already!" I get ticked.

But all in all, I'd say Americans are an equal opportunity, outspoken and rude society. Just MO.

I'll have to disagree with you on that subject and say the magazines put these "quick fixes" in because America and its women are obsessed with weight loss, maintaining a "perfect figure" through the ages and generally being attractive. It's the same as putting a woman in a bikini on a magazine cover targeted at men, it will make them look and sometimes buy because that's how the game is played. It's not implying all women are fat or that all men want are hot babes leaning on a Harley Davidson, it's simply what sells their product.

katicasi82

My housemate told me that I'm 'getting gaunt' the other day...I'm 192lbs - 5'6"...gaunt is not a word I'd apply to me!

MommaKit79

I have people say that because I am tall I carry it well.

I usually just tell them THANK YOU (depending on how they say it) but I am uncomfortable with where I am now. PLUS, I may not look like I need to lose weight but, i want to get healthy. The main thing is that I want to get healthy and that is usually what I tell them.

corn63

Set your own standards. They're the only ones that matter.

PaleoRDH

This happens to all of us....... as soon as you say...... I'm going to eat healthy/lose weight, etc., your friends decide to bring a triple chocolate fudge homemade cake for you. My dad always used to say this, and I find it to be 100% true...... MISERY LOVES COMPANY. My hubby is really good at saying, OH thanks I'll freeze a piece of that cake and have it when I'm allowing myself some extra calories, etc. I'm just trying to remind myself that I've DECIDED to lose some weight and get in shape, just like I decided to NOT do it earlier, so I need to stand by what I've decided to do for myself and not join the misery of those who haven't made such a decision. :drinker:

pastryari

It's also frustrating because they can only see what you look like with clothes on. Sometimes it makes me want to rip off my clothes and show them that my body may look skinny/fit in clothes but not without them.

Also, it's not just about being skinny. It's about wanting to be strong, fit, and in the best possible shape I can be.

AwesomelyAmber

Set your own standards. They're the only ones that matter.

YES!!!! Thankfully I can honestly say that this is how I look at things 99% of the time! but darn if there isn't that ONE PERCENT left!:laugh:

bleacheblonde

Where did you get this? I've never noticed society have any issue whatsoever with telling people they're fat. They do it daily if not every minute. Seriously. Walk into any check out line at any grocery store and look at any women's magazine. What is the one topic that is listed on every single front cover? How to lose 10 lbs. What do you think they are saying? All women are fat. I see enough posts here from folks noting encounters with folks who have no problem telling them they're overweight. Guess what? We know and we're changing.

No, I don't think there's any double standard here. Some people think you should mind your own business all the time. I say do what you think is right. I see no point in telling a total stranger what you think of their meal. You don't know what their story is. But if your friend is unhealthy and you're worried, share that. If they ask you to stop it, then don't do it again. That goes for either end of the scale.

Yes, I do have friends that try to sabotage my weight loss efforts. I've even seen that on here when someone says "I have a tough time eating all my calories" and the answer is "eat some cake already!" I get ticked.

But all in all, I'd say Americans are an equal opportunity, outspoken and rude society. Just MO.

^^ What she said! YES.

I have learned to just pretty much ignore everyone except for my fiance and my family when it comes to comments about my weight. People on the internet have had absolutely no issue with calling other people fat, in my experience. I've been accused of being fat and lazy online all the time by people who have never met me. I've also been asked if I was anorexic before when I was thin by people that only knew me as a fat person and felt the need to assume I was unhealthy when I was physically healthier than ever. I don't know that there's really a double-standard...I think there is an all-around standard of rudeness and of needing to stick one's nose into other people's business.
If you don't know someone personally, then you should keep your judgments to yourself.
If someone doesn't know you personally, you should ignore their judgments completely. That's my philosophy. It works quite well!

anrieken

I think part of the problem stems from our society's obsession with being PC and trying not to hurt anybody's feelings. Generally speaking, obese people are going to be more self-conscious of their body so it's not ok to point it out, but fit people are going to be more happy and confident so it's ok to be more frank with them because they can handle it. Personally, I think we need to do a little more fat shaming than is currently acceptable. It is neither ok nor healthy to be obese and it's ludicrous to say that Holley Mangold, for instance, is healthy just because she works out and can lift massive weight. She may be healthy underneath her layers and layers of fat, but that fat is still going to send her to an early grave.

AwesomelyAmber

Please understand, I am not saying that people DO NOT call people fat, or DO NOT say rude things...
I'm saying that SOMEHOW 'we' find it acceptable to tell people that they are 'too skinny', or the other comments, BUT if person A says to person B that they are 'too fat' you can bet that person C is going to tell person A why they should NOT say things like that. Flip side is that if person A says to person B "you are too skinny, eat a piece of cake" person C doesn't quickly jump to come to the aid of person B. Phew! That was hard for even ME to follow... but I hope my point was made! :laugh:

DefyGravity1977

I just encountered this situation this week. I have been heavy since I was 10 years old and got serious about my weight when my grandfather passed two years ago. I have a family friend and another family member tell me that I was "obsessed" because I was talking about my journey and my progress so much on Facebook. I think if someone had said to me bluntly, as my grandfather did in the last conversation I had with him, that I was getting to the point of putting my health in danger and that I needed to do something before it was too late I may have done something sooner. My grandparents went to their deathbed worrying about my health and that was the kicker for me and now am being accused of being obsessed. Of course it appears that I am obsessed because I know my family history. People need to be more open and honest with the loved ones in their lives when it comes to the concerns of weight and heatlh

AwesomelyAmber

I just encountered this situation this week. I have been heavy since I was 10 years old and got serious about my weight when my grandfather passed two years ago. I have a family friend and another family member tell me that I was "obsessed" because I was talking about my journey and my progress so much on Facebook. I think if someone had said to me bluntly, as my grandfather did in the last conversation I had with him, that I was getting to the point of putting my health in danger and that I needed to do something before it was too late I may have done something sooner. My grandparents went to their deathbed worrying about my health and that was the kicker for me and now am being accused of being obsessed. Of course it appears that I am obsessed because I know my family history. People need to be more open and honest with the loved ones in their lives when it comes to the concerns of weight and heatlh

So very sorry to hear of your grandparents but it seems that it has helped you to be a healthier person :flowerforyou: One of the reasons for this post was that I was told last night that I brag too much about my loss on FB. Reality is that once a week (Friday, weigh day) I post my loss for the week and total weight lost to date. ONCE per week is bragging??? :laugh: :laugh: My response? "You don't like my posts, block me. I read about people's trips to the store, when their kids take naps, who they are pissed off at... I guess that those people can read ONE post about my success!"

grrrlface

My family kept telling me I was getting fat for a long time, it hurt so I did something about it. I'm now 134lbs at 5'2.5", I could do with losing a bit of the tummy and thighs I still have but now my family and friends say I am getting too thin! It still hurts my feelings but when I say that they expect me to be fine with it because I "look good".

Just because you think someone looks good doesn't make them a stronger person to take people judging their bodies/appearence. No one knows the opinions someone truly has of themselves and it's wrong that people feel the need to comment.

DefyGravity1977

I just encountered this situation this week. I have been heavy since I was 10 years old and got serious about my weight when my grandfather passed two years ago. I have a family friend and another family member tell me that I was "obsessed" because I was talking about my journey and my progress so much on Facebook. I think if someone had said to me bluntly, as my grandfather did in the last conversation I had with him, that I was getting to the point of putting my health in danger and that I needed to do something before it was too late I may have done something sooner. My grandparents went to their deathbed worrying about my health and that was the kicker for me and now am being accused of being obsessed. Of course it appears that I am obsessed because I know my family history. People need to be more open and honest with the loved ones in their lives when it comes to the concerns of weight and heatlh

So very sorry to hear of your grandparents but it seems that it has helped you to be a healthier person :flowerforyou: One of the reasons for this post was that I was told last night that I brag too much about my loss on FB. Reality is that once a week (Friday, weigh day) I post my loss for the week and total weight lost to date. ONCE per week is bragging??? :laugh: :laugh: My response? "You don't like my posts, block me. I read about people's trips to the store, when their kids take naps, who they are pissed off at... I guess that those people can read ONE post about my success!"

Exactly the response I got and the response I gave. The family friend deleted me. My perception is that if they didn't like that I have changed and I have found something that keeps me going and they cannot be positive in support than I don't need them.

bleacheblonde

I think part of the problem stems from our society's obsession with being PC and trying not to hurt anybody's feelings. Generally speaking, obese people are going to be more self-conscious of their body so it's not ok to point it out, but fit people are going to be more happy and confident so it's ok to be more frank with them because they can handle it. Personally, I think we need to do a little more fat shaming than is currently acceptable. It is neither ok nor healthy to be obese and it's ludicrous to say that Holley Mangold, for instance, is healthy just because she works out and can lift massive weight. She may be healthy underneath her layers and layers of fat, but that fat is still going to send her to an early grave.

Why do we need to "fat-shame" people, even if they ARE fat? What does it matter to you if someone is fat? It's their life, and they can be fat if they want to. Being fat sucks, but some people are just fat. I don't see how shaming them or pointing it out does anybody any good whatsoever. I don't understand why people can't just leave each other alone and get on with their own lives.

rininger85

I just don't care what anyone else says... thick skin over here means nothing phases me...