So apparently I'm a failure????

subcult

The important thing in this story is why your friend said that. If they said it to be rude or to put them above you then they owe you an apology. If they came across as just trying to convince you how important it is to finish what you started and truly care then drop them at your loss.

PS2CR

We set out this last week to do the greenbrier river trail...

So my friend says we failed because we didn't "finish" what we set out to do... We didn't finish the trail and I have never seen the last ten miles of it... (we have section biked it before)

I say I am not a failure because I DOUBLED my previous longest bike... I didn't once say "I can't do this it's too hard lets go home I'm finished" (although he claims my cutting it short was saying that)... I say I'm not a failure because I don't know many people who can do 140 miles let alone people my age and weight (I'm still 270#)...

So am I a failure? Is this a guy thing I don't understand? My friend has this thing about "completing" things that feels almost neurotic to me...

If I'm reading this right, your friend said you (plural) failed to reach your goal. YOU are the one calling yourself "a failure" (or questioning if you are one).

I'd say your friend is correct, technically--you failed to reach the original goal. But you are incorrect--because you're personalizing the fact in a negative way. You're summing yourself up (rather broadly and negatively) by what you DO, not by who you ARE. You are never "a failure" for failing to reach a goal. Goodness, if that were correct, we'd have to call all those Olympians who come home with less than a gold medal "FAILURES."

(ETA: just read gradrun's comment, and thought I ought to add that I'm not male...)

jerbear1962

You are not a failure...know you have a goal to set for the next time to maybe do 5 more miles...then the next trip past that finish those last 5 miles to make it all the way. Good luck and keep at it

lovinmyselfagain

Girl, be proud of the 140 miles you did accomplish! I once thought I might die doing an hour of spinning. lol. I can't imagine doing 140 miles, especially with the extra weight. That's an awesome accomplishment...don't let your friend or anyone else on this thread take that from you...and don't take it from yourself. Pat yourself on the back-you deserve it!

Karrie262

Get another friend. That one is bogus.

ETA: All accomplishments are successes. You fail when you don't try.

^^ Said it perfectly. Calling it a failure is pretty harsh and 140 miles is quite the feat. Tell him it was a success for you and maybe stop being such a Negative Ned

PS2CR

Get another friend. That one is bogus.

No need to drop her friend or get another to replace him. (He was only expressing that they failed to meet their goal.) She needs to instead get another attitude--because one that transforms 'I failed to meet the goal' into "I AM A FAILURE" is bogus.

super_monty

I would tell your 'friend' to piss off.

Restybaby2012

The only failure is the one who never tries.

You may have failed to complete the task at hand...........but that does not make YOU a failure

jetscreaminagain

You had a successful through bike (I know of through hikes, you're on a bike, I trust this is the right way of saying it) of a few to several days with family and perhaps some other people you love. (the blame for not adjusting by 60 minutes either way to avoid the rain is laughable on a through hike/bike, by the way and indicates that that guy doesn't know what he's talking about).

In hiking, you say, "I have these days off of work. I'm going to this area. Here's my map. This is how far I can go in optimal conditions. This is where I can ditch the plans if I have a gear problem/weather doesn't cooperate/a bear gets my food pack/someone gets injured/someone gets ill/ran out of water because it was hotter than we thought or I dropped the bottle down the waterfall(I've done that while rappelling down the waterfall)/we figured out the terrain was harder than we thought and we realized we can't be sure we can safely complete the plans". I imagine it is the same four your through bike.

This tells me that you were wildly successful at not being the *kitten* that thinks because he spend $1000 at REI he can go anywhere and do anything even if he's never done anything remotely like that before and ends up needing a wildland rescue. I've never been injured skiing. Nor have any of my family. Mostly because my dad taught me, "stop before your last run. Its when you take the 'one last run' that you are too tired, make mistakes, don't have the best conditions, and get hurt"

Sounds to me like you had a wildly successful trip. 140 with no err minimal problems WAYY beats 160 with injuries and a rescue and a ride to the ER in a helicopter or something.

jbelandreading

I think your friend failed, not you, the fact that you tried is a sucess story on its own, shame on your friend

CupcakeHarpy

The fact that you were able to do more than you were able to before means that you have more than succeeded. Instead of your friend saying that you failed, they should say that next time you do it you will get even farther. Try and try again and you will reach the end. I've never tried such a feat, so therefore I never failed. According to your friend I guess I'm a huge success, which is nonsense. Stay positive. :flowerforyou:

HellsBells61

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"
Eleanor Roosevelt

lauren3382

Anyone who hikes 140 miles in 5 days is SO FAR FROM BEING A FAILURE!!!! Just because you didn't finish it doesn't make you a failure, it simply means you didn't finish. Forget what your friend said and focus on what you did accomplish.

JessMySize

You are only a failure if you let someone else make you believe that you are.

I'M IN LOVE WITH THIS!

kristelpoole

Did you fail to complete the trail?
Yes.

Does that make you a failure?
Up to you!

gwenmf

Get another friend. That one is bogus.

ETA: All accomplishments are successes. You fail when you don't try.

I agree with this poster -- and I'm wanting to join you~! lol

valeriaps

you didn't fail. no, you didn't complete your goal due to some circumstances, but you still accomplished a lot and should be happy.

sometimes a goal is set high, and while we may not reach it on the first try, we can come amazingly close, and give us some gusto for the next time.

Well said! You did great, and you'll complete it next time. Put this one in the win column!

Catskillet

...congratulations on your success! Don't let your friend make you feel like you didn't accomplish something great. People are so different, you are obviously logical and have plenty of common sense. I'm guessing your friend has something along a type A personality...more competitive and work-driven. I have a friend that I walk with, and when we reach the end of our usual route...she has to touch the stop sign, or else it would drive her crazy for the rest of the day. Another example is a long-time family friend that was visiting from Canada...he, his wife and I walked the bridgeway over the Hudson and she and I were looking forward to lunch and were hungry, so we turned around about 200 feet from the end. He said he was okay with it and he teased us for the rest of the day ....but guess what?...the next time they came for a few days, he wanted to do it again and made it a point to go right to the end...it had bothered him all that time that we didn't do the last little bit! (I couldn't have cared less...)

justjenn1977

I wanted to reply to everyone... but that would take me hours!!!

If I'm reading this right, your friend said you (plural) failed to reach your goal. YOU are the one calling yourself "a failure" (or questioning if you are one).

I'd say your friend is correct, technically--you failed to reach the original goal. But you are incorrect--because you're personalizing the fact in a negative way. You're summing yourself up (rather broadly and negatively) by what you DO, not by who you ARE. You are never "a failure" for failing to reach a goal. Goodness, if that were correct, we'd have to call all those Olympians who come home with less than a gold medal "FAILURES."

(ETA: just read gradrun's comment, and thought I ought to add that I'm not male...)

he did say "we" failed... because of not finishing the bike trail

No need to drop her friend or get another to replace him. (He was only expressing that they failed to meet their goal.) She needs to instead get another attitude--because one that transforms 'I failed to meet the goal' into "I AM A FAILURE" is bogus.

I do have a problem with internalizing things... I am my own worst critic... I have gotten MUCH better... in years past comments like his would have sent me into a fit of depression beating myself up and bingeing on food because I "failed" and I would beat myself up and try to sabotage myself... I would have cried and been miserable for weeks because of a comment like that...

I have gotten to the point where I am not...

I am very proud of myself for how far we went... I think I kicked some serious butt... and I *know* that I can finish the trail... I intend to go again (maybe before the end of this year... when it is cooler ) and maybe with a better seat (I now understand why people pay hundreds of dollars for a bike seat)...

mainly my intent for this post was trying to understand why my friend thinks this trip was a failure... and I understand that from his POV it was... and I am ok with that...

and I need to get over this transition from "we failed" (by which he meant "we didn't accomplish our goal") to "we are failures" (by which I mean "*I* am a failure and worthless and nothing I ever did is worth anything") that kind of thinking is what got me to where I was... and I spent over a year living on my couch in depression because I beat myself (mentally) into a bloody pulp...

PS2CR

I wanted to reply to everyone... but that would take me hours!!!

If I'm reading this right, your friend said you (plural) failed to reach your goal. YOU are the one calling yourself "a failure" (or questioning if you are one).

I'd say your friend is correct, technically--you failed to reach the original goal. But you are incorrect--because you're personalizing the fact in a negative way. You're summing yourself up (rather broadly and negatively) by what you DO, not by who you ARE. You are never "a failure" for failing to reach a goal. Goodness, if that were correct, we'd have to call all those Olympians who come home with less than a gold medal "FAILURES."

(ETA: just read gradrun's comment, and thought I ought to add that I'm not male...)

he did say "we" failed... because of not finishing the bike trail

No need to drop her friend or get another to replace him. (He was only expressing that they failed to meet their goal.) She needs to instead get another attitude--because one that transforms 'I failed to meet the goal' into "I AM A FAILURE" is bogus.

I do have a problem with internalizing things... I am my own worst critic... I have gotten MUCH better...

...

mainly my intent for this post was trying to understand why my friend thinks this trip was a failure... and I understand that from his POV it was... and I am ok with that...

and I need to get over this transition from "we failed" (by which he meant "we didn't accomplish our goal") to "we are failures" (by which I mean "*I* am a failure and worthless and nothing I ever did is worth anything") that kind of thinking is what got me to where I was... and I spent over a year living on my couch in depression because I beat myself (mentally) into a bloody pulp...

Sounds like you're well on your way, gal. Keep up with the logical and true self-talk, and firmly resist the internalizing like you resist the foods that would sabotage your diet goals. It'll save you thousands in therapy bills. (Take it from one who battled and beat a serious depression 12 years ago.)