The Mediocre Mom

mmoyer1978

I have two beautiful daughters. Samantha (age 5) and Michaela (age 3). When I started my weight loss journey, they were two and four. Before I started my transformation, my life was making those I loved happy. In fact, I was under the delusion that the happiness of my loved ones it was brought me happiness. Now, as many other weight-loss adventurers know, the key to cutting your food addiction is discovering what it is that makes you eat. It is hard to be 33 and find out that you don't know who you are and what makes you happy because you've spent more than half your like self-medicating with pizza and Cheetos. So for the last year an a half, I have been on one mad selfish street. I'm fixing me. Learning me. Understanding me. I have learned so much about me. My husband has been extremely supportive. But along with my road to health and self discovery, my daughters are missing out. I justify this by telling myself that as I learn to me a better me, I will be a better mom. They will be healthier both physically and mentally as I pass down what I have learned and break the vicious cycle of food addiction that generations of my family have suffered. But is this truly just that? Justification? Or is it fact? Are there any other moms out there with young children who understand this? Right now, I don't like being a mom. It's inconvenient for me. It gets in the way. It's messy. And yes, I feel guilty about feeling that way too, but it's how I feel. How do you cope?

muddyventures

I have four daughters, and I love being a mom! There ae times when it is tough, when it is dirty, when it is messy and when it is filled with uncertainty... but I love my daughters and I want the best for them, and over the last 14 years I've given everything I have to them and my family. I know who I am... and I know who I'm not, but still along the way I lost sight of who I am and gave into who I am not..

I looked in the mirror over Christmas 2011 and realized that in giving myself so fully to my family and not taking time for myself I was actually setting a rather poor example for my beautiful daughters. I am on this journey to healthy and fitness for myself ... this is true, but I am on this journey to fitness and health because I know it is the one thing I neglected for my girls. They need to see a healthy mom, because one day they will be moms and I don't want them looking in the mirror one day and saying ...wow I gave so much and got lost along the way.


I can't judge you on your post, because there is so much missing in the written word, but don't forget about your girls, include them in this journey and teach them to be the best they can be in health and fitness and you may find a happier, healthier place along the way.

Good Luck to you.

trophywife24

Hm... it's a balance. Your kids are going to annoy you and get in your way if you're on focused on yourself. That's why people sit on their laptops and fuss at their kids. You need to find middle ground between yourself and them.

Allow your weight loss to be the focus of yourself but really try to find joy in the little kid things. They are temporary, they will pass and I honestly doubt that you want to look back on your children's youth as the time that they annoyed you while you worked on yourself. As the child of someone who's children clearly annoyed her, that's damaging. Kids are perceptive, you don't have to tell them that you're just not that into them for them to know.

Really look into your heart and find your balance. It's great to want to change yourself and discover yourself but you did have a life with people who need you before you started on that journey. They're still going to be there, and they're still going to be their same selves no matter how much you change... that goes for kids, spouses, whomever.

Sorry if this is too blunt but as a stay at home mom of two young kids, and being raised by a mother who wasn't into having kids, I think it's a slippery slope to walk and it quickly goes from "wow, these kids are messy" to "mommy's making an new life." It happens. Check your heart girl, figure out what you need to do and where you need to stand.

cpapiersky88

All I can say is knowing you first hand you are NOT a bad mom. You are an AMAZING mom don't let anybody stupid tell you different then that. Eddie and I have seen you with the girls first hand. Yes things get stressful and Yes things are hard. But I don't know one parent that at one point or another in there day or week or whatever period of time that hasn't gone oh my gosh because it gets stressful. But, that by no means makes you a bad mom. You have two beautiful amazing girls, they are sweet and very smart they didn't walk out of you that way, you helped mold them and make them what they are. Don't let anyone bring you down by saying that you're a bad mom because you are having an off day. Love you hun!!!!!! Keep you're head up not many people can do what you do.

cineshome

bumping for later

bongbunny

I have no kids, so I can't directly relate to your position, but I can certainly empathize. There is so much self-sacrifice given to raise children, something I'm still not wanting to do at 39. Don't let negative comments upset you - you are not alone. I believe it's somewhat a taboo for parents to express the desire to be childless at times, but it doesn't mean they don't think it. Far from. It takes courage to be honest about it. Hopefully other parents who are going through something similar will offer some support.

linz1125

I totally understand how you are feeling. As moms we get pulled in so many directions. But I have always said "you have to take care of yourself before you take care of others" maybe one day a week have a special mommy daughter day? That way you are still making time for them. It's a tough balance, but you will find a way.

skonly

See a dr and openly express how you feel. Please. You stated you don't like being a mom. It's inconvenient. You don't have the option of being an absentee mom.

It is very had to get an exact understanding of anything in a post but those are very strong statements. Maybe you are suffering from depression. All parents feel overwhelmed and have days they wish they could have to themselves. But your statement is a huge red flag. Please speak to a professional about it. Do it for all of you. I think you may be feeling overwhelmed and need some help.

donnam40

You have just voiced what I think many mum's feel from time to time but will never admit for fear of judgement.

I think of it like this. I sometimes love my job (I am in project management) but there are times when I can barely get out of the house to go to work because I am just not loving it. Being a mum is a bit like that. There are times when I love it and then there are times when it is just plain hard work and there are other things I would rather be doing than picking up teenagers or going to parent teacher interviews at the end of a day that started at 5am.

Don't feel bad about the way you feel. Acknowledge that this is tough. You are on a great journey here and everyone will be better off with a healthier you.

Donna

mmoyer1978

I need to add something that I neglected to put in there. I LOVE my daughters. They are first and foremost in my life. I would give my life for both of them without hesitation. What I meant to say and did not say well at all was, as a woman who works pretty much full time, how do you get past the moments when being a mom is messy and inconvenient and in the way? How do you find that balance?

EngineerPrincess

I second trophywife24. It's totally a balance between spending time on making yourself happy and making your children happy. There's was nothing wrong with living for others and letting making your children happy be what caused your own happiness, as long as you weren't living *through* them and letting yourself go and using keeping them happy as an excuse to eat junk. You can make your new healthy lifestyle a family thing-- let the kids help you make healthy dinners, go on family walks after dinner, do family sports on the weekends, etc. This isn't a "you or them" thing, it's all a balance. The closer you are to that good balance, the better a mom you will be and the happier you'll be yourself. Yeah, sometimes children cut in on your "me time", but that's what having children does, it makes it harder but more necessary to balance your time and energy. I have a lot of friends with eating disorders and often the friends who are the unhappiest either had mothers that were selfish and only cared about their own health and happiness, or had parents who were were overindulging and spoiled the kid into obesity which led to taunting by their classmates. Balance is the key to life, good luck!

Addition: how to find that balance involves incorporating your kids into your healthy life activities, reaching out for help from family, especially your husband, when you're busy and need it, and if you still struggle to plan out your life consider making a meeting with someone who's job it is to help people do that such as a counselor or a life coach.

Alex_is_Hawks

Seriously - your clarification is repeating how you don't like your kids and you don't see that as a problem that you might need help with or how that might be damaging to your kids?! Sorry if you don't like what I'm saying but your kid's well being is more important to me than your feelings.

Whoa...judgemental much? I'd hate to see what you would say to a mom suffering from postpartum depression...
these are really issues...people FEEL this way...and that's ok...the difference is in if you FEEL this way and if you ACT this way...

which the OP has made clear it's just feelings and not how she actions her life with her kids...

kids are messy...i love my daughter...but yeah..there ARE days when I wish I was not a mom anymore...it's nothing against her...she's adorable...it's about how I KNOW i had more time, more organization, more everything to devote to my personal goals...when i wasn't a mom.

now i'm split in half...even really a 3/4 - 1/4 split...3/4 for her, 1/4 for me...it's just the way it is..and I get that..heck I even love that...except for those moments when i'm juggling and the balls just aren't staying up in the air...

lady...you're a piece of work to think you are holier than thou to make those comments.

Jus sayin.

cmriverside

To the OP: I think it's a normal feeling to feel like you are losing yourself with the kids. Don't listen to her.

You will be a better Mom for having learned more about yourself. Which is what therapy IS. An inward-focused hour to sort through your issues. There are only so many hours in the day. Moms having been wishing this were not so for many years.

:flowerforyou:

skonly

I can't understand people who enjoy hanging out with children rather than doing something worthwhile, but to each their own.

That is a horrible thing to say.

laserturkey

My kids are now teenagers, but I remember agonizing over those kinds of issues when they were small, for sure. Now, with an abusive marriage and divorce behind me, and a new, healthy relationship as I prepare to see the kids leave the nest, I can assure you that your kids will be served better by a mother who is healthy and feeling good about herself. You needn't feel guilty about taking some time to take care of yourself. It's normal for a mother to need a break from parenting sometimes; it's such incredibly demanding work! It's awesome that you are trying to help your kids build healthy relationships with food. I was raised on the "clean plate club" and "save the best for last," both of which are bad habits that encourage overeating.

mmoyer1978

I totally understand how you are feeling. As moms we get pulled in so many directions. But I have always said "you have to take care of yourself before you take care of others" maybe one day a week have a special mommy daughter day? That way you are still making time for them. It's a tough balance, but you will find a way.

That is a great suggestion. Thank you!

mmoyer1978

To the OP: I think it's a normal feeling to feel like you are losing yourself with the kids. Don't listen to her.

You will be a better Mom for having learned more about yourself. Which is what therapy IS. An inward-focused hour to sort through your issues. There are only so many hours in the day. Moms having been wishing this were not so for many years.

:flowerforyou:

Thank you. I really didn't word or put enough information into my original post. Thank you for understanding where I was coming from.

Debbiedebbiey

I understand where your coming from if you've always put your kids 1st & let yourself go.that's what I've done for a long time. It can make u resentful. But , your kids are a blessing. Can you try to include them on hikes ? I bring my 6yr old, throw on a snack & go hike a hill & stop for a "picnic" at the top, or let them bike while u jog, or just get up earlier & do a video before they wake up. Keep exercising though, have you ever thought of an antidepressant ? It might help, good luck ! Not too mention, they grow up too fast ! !! Hang in there.

mmoyer1978

Seriously - your clarification is repeating how you don't like your kids and you don't see that as a problem that you might need help with or how that might be damaging to your kids?! Sorry if you don't like what I'm saying but your kid's well being is more important to me than your feelings.

Thanks for your help. Because I didn't feel bad enough already... Perhaps I should just drive into oncoming traffic? Don't worry, I'll make sure I leave my kids at home...

wow that's a way to reply i guess. i lost my father to suicide when i was 2. i wonder if he didn't like me....

I'm sorry. It was an insensitive thing for me to say when I was trying to be a smartass. My sister has attempted suicide twice and it's really not something I meant to take lightly. I'm very sorry for your loss. And I'm sure it had NOTHING to do with you.

ishallnotwant

Wow - how sad for your kids.

Are you in therapy or anything? Sounds like you have some major issues to work through and having someone professional to work through it with could be a real help before too much damage is done to those poor kids.

That was a little harsh so let me clarify. I am still there for my kids. I still do stuff with them. The problem is that right now I don't LIKE to but it doesn't mean I ignore them. It's just me and them most of the time so being an absentee mom is NOT an option.

mmoyer, I know this is the internet and all, but could you give us a bit more info on your home life/daily schedule? It sounds like you're kind of burned out. Do you stay home with your children during the day, or do you work outside of the home? Is your husband available to watch your children while you work out? Are you encouraging the children to get active with you and teaching them about being healthy? I'm not trying to be nosy, I just wanted to try to help you come up with some suggestions to work your health goals into your daily life. It helps to get a picture of your daily schedule and where you might be able to fit a workout in, etc.

I have 5 children, currently ages 18,16, 10, 9, and 8-but when I first started working on my health I had several small children-including 3 under 3 years old. It can be a challenge. I was a single mother, so I had no outside support, nobody to watch the children while I worked out. I worked the kids into my workouts and taught them to eat healthfully with me. My 8 year old, who was already as big as me, was my living room weight spotter. My "little middle" (middle of the littlest 3) was mimicking yoga poses before she could even walk. I would pop the kids in the stroller with baby on my chest and take a brisk walk. Sometimes I would put them on a blanket with some toys on the high school field and run circles around them. We did videos in the living room and my littles were right there with me, underfoot sometimes, but enjoying their time with mama. Sometimes I just jogged in place in my living room for 20 to 30 minutes while they napped. As they got older, we would go for walks, race each other, do cartwheels in the yard-anything to get them active (and get me active, too.) I took them hiking and rode bikes with them and took them skating...we still do those things as a family. I didn't always have to do a "formal" workout, sometimes it was just chasing them around the park or playing tag with them in the front yard. Even now that they are older there are days that I don't get my "formal" workout in until almost midnight as I work around our family's schedule.

Working with my children and including them in the kitchen while I make meals, taking them shopping to plan our meals, etc. has really paid off. My children eat very healthfully and all of them love sports. My son is now 16 and he goes into our local gym and lifts like a champ-with impeccable form. 18 year old takes classes with me at the local gym and goes bike riding with me in the evenings. 10,9, and 8 did track this year at their elementary school, and I got th e pleasure of going to the school and training for the track meet with them as well as watching them at the meet and cheering them on. My kids are physically fit, active, and love being outdoors. I like to think it is because I worked with them instead of thinking of them as an obstacle in my way. It was hard some days, and there were a couple of times I almost tripped over a wee one in the cramped living room while we worked out-but now we are active as a family and it is a really fun way for us all to spend time together.

I'd love to give you support and suggestions, and just be here when it gets tough, if you would like. Hang in there. :flowerforyou:

Netterz0087

Wow - how sad for your kids.

Are you in therapy or anything? Sounds like you have some major issues to work through and having someone professional to work through it with could be a real help before too much damage is done to those poor kids.

It's because of people like you that woman are scared to come on here and vent and search for help and motivation because they're scared they'll get judged. How dare you suggest someone needs therapy. You don't know *kitten* about this woman except what she has said and you think with this minimal information you have enough to clinically diagnose her with something? Rude. Keep your judgmental, worthless comments to yourself and let others give help, support and motivation to those that are brave enough to ask.

I have two beautiful daughters. Samantha (age 5) and Michaela (age 3). When I started my weight loss journey, they were two and four. Before I started my transformation, my life was making those I loved happy. In fact, I was under the delusion that the happiness of my loved ones it was brought me happiness. Now, as many other weight-loss adventurers know, the key to cutting your food addiction is discovering what it is that makes you eat. It is hard to be 33 and find out that you don't know who you are and what makes you happy because you've spent more than half your like self-medicating with pizza and Cheetos. So for the last year an a half, I have been on one mad selfish street. I'm fixing me. Learning me. Understanding me. I have learned so much about me. My husband has been extremely supportive. But along with my road to health and self discovery, my daughters are missing out. I justify this by telling myself that as I learn to me a better me, I will be a better mom. They will be healthier both physically and mentally as I pass down what I have learned and break the vicious cycle of food addiction that generations of my family have suffered. But is this truly just that? Justification? Or is it fact? Are there any other moms out there with young children who understand this? Right now, I don't like being a mom. It's inconvenient for me. It gets in the way. It's messy. And yes, I feel guilty about feeling that way too, but it's how I feel. How do you cope?

I don't have children, I have a fiance that's kind of like a child and I've incorporated him into my daily workouts. Have you tried applying what are you learning. Like fixing healthy meals that you have learned are good for you and making it for your family. You can teach your children the importance of being healthy and physically show them and include them in your transformation. My mom used to try to get me to on walks with her, bike rides with her, eat healthy, etc... She was always thin. I grew up a little chunkster eating McDonalds when she wasn't home, sneaking snack foods that she tried to hide from me. I wasn't aware how doing those things with my mom would have helped me in the future. Now, I'm 24, my metabolism is slowing down, I have to do more to loose weight. Teach them that. Show them your before and after pictures and your experiences so they understand the importance of what you're doing.

Do you just find spending time with them inconvenient? Or are you trying to get workout times in and you just can't because they require attention or what? If that's it, I'd try doing more family things that incorporate exercise -- like hiking or swimming at the pool.

jackieatx

Seriously - your clarification is repeating how you don't like your kids and you don't see that as a problem that you might need help with or how that might be damaging to your kids?! Sorry if you don't like what I'm saying but your kid's well being is more important to me than your feelings.

Wow that's so unnecessary. You're making it sound like she would go to the gym for hours and neglect to feed her kids or something. Chill out, woman.

Oh, and to OP: I agree with the above poster that you might be suffering from a bit of burnout. A little me time is never a bad thing, it helps get you back on track and clear your mind. I just had a huge discussion (read: argument) with my SO about how I need a couple hours a week to myself so I don't build up frustration and stress. And cooking with your kids is always a great way to spend time with them

mmoyer1978

I understand where your coming from if you've always put your kids 1st & let yourself go.that's what I've done for a long time. It can make u resentful. But , your kids are a blessing. Can you try to include them on hikes ? I bring my 6yr old, throw on a snack & go hike a hill & stop for a "picnic" at the top, or let them bike while u jog, or just get up earlier & do a video before they wake up. Keep exercising though, have you ever thought of an antidepressant ? It might help, good luck !

My 3yo needs to grow a bit so she can keep up. Right now, I hit the gym at 4:30am before everyone gets up so I don't miss out on time with my family.

ebgbjo

To the OP- Don't feel bad for how you feel. You are entitled to your opinions. I love my son with everything that I am and he means the world to me. That doesn't mean that I FEEL like being a mother is a picnic. I DO have moments where I feel the same as you- I also am just a year older with a 5yr old. It is HARD to balance being a mother and trying to be your own self as well.
Just remember, just because you are a mom, you aren't JUST a mother. You do also need to take care of you. Your child will love you more when you find a way to love yourself and find out what you have to offer the world.

skonly

I need to add something that I neglected to put in there. I LOVE my daughters. They are first and foremost in my life. I would give my life for both of them without hesitation. What I meant to say and did not say well at all was, as a woman who works pretty much full time, how do you get past the moments when being a mom is messy and inconvenient and in the way? How do you find that balance?

The people suggesting therapy, me included, are doing so because of the words you choose. Being a mom is messy and inconvenient and in the way? Those are your words. You have repeated it. So obviously that is how you feel.

I'm sure you do love them. You are giving the impression you consider them to be an obstacle in your life. No one is trying to be mean. Suggesting therapy is helpful. I really hope that gets through to you. Try talking to someone you feel you can trust and be open with if you can.

I understand frustration from being busy and not having much me time. All parents feel that way. But you seem to resent it. Find someone, a dr or whoever you can really open up to and share all your feelings, all of them.

You made the post so surely you must know you need some help. There is nothing wrong with needing help.

icemaiden17_uk

I am gonna add to the yay you team!! I am a Mum and yep! I really struggled to start with! I was really ill with PTSD and depression and it took a long time for me to want my daughter! But I do!! I love her more every day and I wish that I could sit and play with her all day long! But I also wish that I could be in the Gym every day, or with the horses, or doing my studying. There are defo times that I think "Grr if I didn't have to look after her I could be doing this or that" but I wouldn't change it!

So, yes. I know exactly what you mean! It does not make you a bad mother, it just makes you a person with interests other than being a mother! You may think these thoughts but does it stop you from spending quality time with your girls that you all enjoy? No it bloody doesn't!! Roll with it! You seem like a great person and the fact that you even worry about it means that you are just fine!!

Hugs and support!! :flowerforyou:

JenniferNoll

You are not a mediocre mom. You are a deeply depressed and anxious mom. I've been there myself. I finally started seeing a therapist to deal with the issues that were keeping me from being the wife and mother I want to be. I also started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with major depression and an anxiety disorder. He started me on some meds, and it was like a light being turned on. Suddenly I was able to enjoy being a wife and mother again. Suddenly I was able to come up with activities that my girls and I LOVED doing. The meds and therapy haven't made me happy, but they've given me the ability to be happy.

I'm not saying you need meds; that's something only you and your doctor can determine. I just know that they helped me tremendously. I just think that at the very least, you should talk to a therapist who can help you work out exactly why you are unhappy and unfulfilled. She can help you to develop strategies to help deal with the frustration and boredom you are experiencing.
Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.

newme1980

will repost, quoted the wrong thing

donnasjohnson

Hang in there. I work as a daycare director and deal with tons of mothers who are trying to balance family, work, and self without guilt stopping them in their tracks. How easy for someone on the outside looking in to say it can be done better. My own mother wasn't the best, and so to overcompensate, I spent way too much time focusing on my kid's development when they were younger (while dealing with my own with late night snacking and head-in-the-sand denial about what was best for me). Logically I knew what was best for them was to be the best I could be, but I couldn't always make that translate into meaningful action. I found this quote on this site a few weeks ago and it really spoke to me. "Children become a lifetime commitment. Your health is no different." I logically know it is possible to have more than one lifetime commitment. But it's up to me to find the balance between my commitments that I can live with. I was told a long time ago that guilt was me feeling I wasn't doing enough, but that shame was feeling I wasn't enough. You are enough for your kids. You are enough for yourself. How that translates into balancing time is a one day at a time process. You (and all mothers who struggle) are in my prayers.

dodihere

OP - Many of us do feel the same way. I did. I was a great mom and I put my own needs BEHIND everyone elses and in the end, my own emotional needs suffered. It's a balancing act, if you have a supportive husband its easier, if not - you will struggle. I have a daughter who has a child and I remind her so many times to take time out for herself, because I didn't - and it about killed me. I just sent my son off to college and now I am an empty-nester catching up on taking care of myself.

newme1980

I have four daughters, and I love being a mom! There ae times when it is tough, when it is dirty, when it is messy and when it is filled with uncertainty... but I love my daughters and I want the best for them, and over the last 14 years I've given everything I have to them and my family. I know who I am... and I know who I'm not, but still along the way I lost sight of who I am and gave into who I am not..

I looked in the mirror over Christmas 2011 and realized that in giving myself so fully to my family and not taking time for myself I was actually setting a rather poor example for my beautiful daughters. I am on this journey to healthy and fitness for myself ... this is true, but I am on this journey to fitness and health because I know it is the one thing I neglected for my girls. They need to see a healthy mom, because one day they will be moms and I don't want them looking in the mirror one day and saying ...wow I gave so much and got lost along the way.


I can't judge you on your post, because there is so much missing in the written word, but don't forget about your girls, include them in this journey and teach them to be the best they can be in health and fitness and you may find a happier, healthier place along the way.

Good Luck to you.

Wow, this resonates with me so much. It's like you are talking about me; and I'm sure many other mum's will also feel the same way. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: