The Mediocre Mom

Tucsonwoman

I am the mother of 2 incredibly beautiful sons who are now both in their mid-20's and step-mom to an adult daughter. They were 18 months and 5 when their dad and I divorced and I still remember the feeling you are describing. Now when I look back I realize it was mainly a feeling of being stressed out, overwhelmed and pulled in too many directions. Small children are needy and demanding of your time and attention and that is their right of course. They're children! And we brought them into this world.....They are dependent on us, especially their moms and look to us for direction. You can do that and still find yourself in the meantime. I think you just need some time to yourself, can your spouse or significant other help you carve some time out for yourself? When my children were little and they would go to their dad's for the week-end my friends would beg me to go out with them. I would decline their invitations and instead pour a hot bath, light some candles and just soak for an hour or more. Then I would climb out and spend some desperately needed quiet time contemplating my life and worries. I called these nights my "mental health nights!"! You can include your girls on your health journey, how about having an hour of cooking together every week or so? Anything you do with them will make them happy.......hang in there. You sound like a great mom and I know you adore your children. Every mom has had times when their children overwhelmed them. I can remember my sons calling "MOMMMMMM!" and I'd say "I don't want to be mom today!" teasing them and they'd laugh and say "too bad!" Keep a journal, it will help you see what you need and why you feel so stressed. Take care!

mmoyer1978

To all those saying we are horrible for suggesting therapy maybe you should think about all the women who started out feeling that way and ended up on the news when they killed their children.

I don't like being a mom. It's messy and inconvenient.

That is not the same as saying she feels lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed or anything related. She didn't say it's hard to squeeze in time for workouts. This was not a typical frustrated mom issue.

Don't say we are being mean by wanting her to get help. Saying it's normal to feel that way is harmful.

And for those of you who don't have children you can't honestly understand how hard it is to raise children.

Yes. it is hard to raise children. And the people who are saying they understand where I am coming from and are reading between the lines of this post are actually right. I DON'T feel that way all the time. I DO get overwhelmed. And I agree with you, it would most likely benefit me to talk to someone to help me work through these feeling when they occur, or have the sense to ask a friend for help. I PROMISE you that I will not end up on the 11 o'clock news because I drowned my kids in a bathtub. I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER harm my beautiful little girls.

mmoyer1978

Alas, the pressure in our society to be the "perfect mom" prevails. Never mind that this pressure causes many women to feel depressed and overwhelmed. I hear in your replies here that you really love your kids. They can only benefit if you feel better about yourself and your self-esteem isn't completely dependent on making them and everyone else in your life happy. I don't think that's selfish. I am a therapist/social worker and have worked with women who do in fact emotionally neglect their children because they are deeply depressed. You are trying to prevent that from happening by making some big changes in your life.

A while back, I saw a story on the "Today" show about a woman who wrote a book admitting that she didn't always love being a mom. Man, you think this woman would have admitted to being an axe murderer by the reaction of some folks! We're all human beings. It's brave admitting that you feel conflicted about this right now. I'm glad that you have the support of your spouse, who is also one half of the parenting equation. Good luck on your efforts to make a positive change in your life!

Thank you for that! To hear from an actual therapist that I am not in the same league as the common axe murderer because sometimes I don't like being a mom makes me feel a whole lot better. And I did struggle with posting this because I knew some people would not understand but I wanted some input and I wanted to be honest.

KWKY

I go through this sort of thought process quite a lot of the time, especially when either or both of the kids are unwell, or going through some behavioural issues ( I have a 4 and a 1 year old).

Exercise (running especially) has pulled me out of these sorts of ruts many times. I especially love doing it first thing so that I can go through in my head what needs to be done during the day, and I find I get much less stressed and definitely less overwhelmed.

I don't think it's particularly selfish to want to look after yourself first, if you don't, you're unlikely to be able to look after others and will just burn out.

Also, one thing I do do now is to get my 4 year old to help me prepare meals , so that she gets the concept of healthy eating (ie it's not just me trying to force her to eat good food) and she eats the food she makes because she has some input into it, and it's a fun way for mother and daughter quality time.

Take care!
KWKY

JenniferNoll

It's good to hear you sounding so much more positive. It sounds like you discovering that you are not alone in your feelings, and that it does not make you evil or selfish to feel that way. I really hope you are able to take something positive away from this thread and are able to use it.

I think we have a lot of things in common. Friend me if you like. I'm a stay at home mommy too. My girls are a bit older than yours, school age, but I have been exactly where you are. I just never had the guts to put it into words.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

Can't say that I understand how you feel about your kids, my son is a blessing and the best thing that ever happened to me. I wake up early to get in work outs so that he doesn't miss out on me. My one hour a day, and healthy eating, doesn't negatively impact him as I get it (usually) before he wakes up or after he goes to sleep. On the weekends he goes and plays in child watch with his friends at the gym while I get it done, and then we go play together. My active lifestyle allows me to find active things to do with him (he's 3) and be more involved with what he's doing as I have more energy. I'm also teaching him work, life, play balance along with proper nutrition and hopefully a healthy relationship with food which includes knowing that everything is okay in moderation. I look forward to the days when he can ride his bike while I run, he can run with me, or we can ride together.
I understand the process of finding yourself, and that self discovery and awareness is important, but part of who you are is in them and you can't lose site of that either. Seems to me you may need to evaluate your schedule and find balance because your scales are a little tippy.

dhakiyya

I need to add something that I neglected to put in there. I LOVE my daughters. They are first and foremost in my life. I would give my life for both of them without hesitation. What I meant to say and did not say well at all was, as a woman who works pretty much full time, how do you get past the moments when being a mom is messy and inconvenient and in the way? How do you find that balance?

1. find ways to get a proper break from your kids that wont' result in them missing out. E.g. a trip out somewhere with their daddy or grandparents, or something, maybe once a fortnight,

2. ensure their bedtimes are set up so you can have some proper "me time" after they're in bed.

3. when you know that you will get your "me time" and a set time when it's just you and not them, you just deal with it when they're being messy and inconvenient and getting in the way, because you know that they need you to be there for them. It's kind of the same principle as cheat meals when dieting... if you know that you're going to have a lovely cheat meal at the weekend, it's eaiser to say no to the temptation to go off your eating plan during the week. Same with kids. And every mum finds their kids a pain in the backside at times, and most don't put it as nicely as you do!

4. spending time doing structured activities with them does result in them being less clingy/needy and better able to play on their own at other times. Also when they're playing on their own, going and talking to them and praising them for being good and taking an interest in what they're doing means they're less likely to cause a fuss to get attention, as they've already had attention.

5. if you're already doing all the above, then just remind yourself that every mum feels the same way sometimes, and it doesn't come naturally to everyone, and keep on doing the above.

dragonc321

I think every mother feels this way from time to time and just is afraid to admit it. I LOVE my daughter and wouldn't trade her for anything but, being a parent is a selfless, thankless job. As a full-time working single mother to a 4 year old I often have trouble balancing time for my daughter, myself, and all the other directions I am pulled in. What works for me is 1 night a week to go out with my boyfriend and friends while she stays with a family member, 1 night a week where it is "mommy-daughter" time. We do whatever she wants and eat her dinner of choice. I incorporate her into my workouts when we run and play outside or if doing a video at home she has her area where she is out of my way but mimics the moves. It's not always easy, but when is life ever easy? It's totally normal to feel that way from time to time. When I get that feeling I step back, take some time for myself, and focus on the positive things in my life. I find that usually helps get my perspective back. Good luck to you!

BellaRenee08

inconvenience [ˌɪnkənˈviːnjəns -ˈviːnɪəns]
n
1. the state or quality of being inconvenient
2. something inconvenient; a hindrance, trouble, or difficulty

in·con·ven·ient (nkn-vnynt)
adj.
Not convenient, especially:
a. Not accessible; hard to reach.
b. Not suited to one's comfort, purpose, or needs:

...I want you to know that in no way do I mean for anything I am about to say, to hurt your feelings. If you ever need anyone to talk too, you can message me, I would be more then happy to talk too you.

My children are 5&3 also, I am a very young mom. Being a young mom means I had to find myself a lot faster then i thought i would have too. I have too work harder and I have too make sure that they know that I am capable of giving them everything I can.

I have re-read this entire thing probably 6 times. I agree with some but not with all. I want you to know that you are not alone. I do not feel that my children are this way, I am blessed and so thankful for the kids I do have.

I however know that losing weight and learning to quit self-medicating with food can cause many changes in our thinking and in our lives. It is hard to juggle and balance everything. We are learning to become someone else, and as we learn to quit self-medicating at times things from the past can come back and cause quite a stir in our emotions, which in return can lead to some very serious issues.What you are learning, how to eat, what to eat, how exercise is important, how to cut the bad but still have good food is something that you can pass down to them. You are breaking a food addiction which it seems has been going on for years. So to be able to come so far and make progress with that you are teaching your daughters so much in this. How not to give up, how important exercise and food is. How this is not a diet it is a life style change. You are teaching them how to be strong, how to push through, how to break the boundaries. There are so many lessons here, that right now at this young age you should start incorporating into their lives. Breaking a food addiction is not easy, trust me I know. I struggle every day with mine. But every day I get a bit better and even on the days that aren't so good I still know I am doing better, i am teaching my children, I am guiding them.

But being a mom should never feel like it is an inconvenience and if you do feel this way, you need to find someone to talk too. You need to reach out., There is no shame in that. As we break these addictions, we undergo so much that actually having someone too talk too about all this professional, food addiction groups, etc is a great idea. One it will help you not feel so alone or frustrated as you go through all this. 2 you can meet others like you. 3. you can find out why you feel this way, is their an underlining reason for this? Is there a deeper meaning why you feel this way? Does it reflect back towards how your parents felt or how you thought your parents felt about you? I mean there are so many benefits of finding someone to talk too. I know reaching out is hard, trust I have been there. But it could help in the long run.

Also besides getting up to the gym, are you taking time out for you? Even if its just a grocery trip alone, an extra 30minutes at night alone to read a book, watch tv, surf online. Going to get your nails done, working outside. Twice a week after my kids fall asleep I light my candles I run my bath I grab some music and some bubbles and I soak, I sing my songs and I remember what its like to be me. I take a little extra time on the weekends as I can usually grab a bit (My husband works over 80hours so it is hard at times) to sneak out and even if it is just to window shop or try on clothes I do it. I love being a mom, but I need some me time. I need some time for myself. Even my kids as I am leaving they will kiss me good bye and say have some great me time mommy. They understand and they even have me time themselves.

as for the messy, are we discussing how children are messy? Cause if so, girl you need to nip that in the bud. My children get allowance, yes they are only 5&3 but they do get allowance. My kids never leave clothes out, always make their beds and even try to make my bed, every toy is always up before bed, books aren't ever organized but oh well. Shoes go straight in the closet after being worn, dishes in the sink and they even help set the table and put the groceries up. I would really recommend having them help. Find a system that works for you. they are old enough to help. Tell them, mommy would appreciate it if you helped more.

Also try some one on one time, If your youngest naps, try a bit more one on one time with the oldest then switch off. Just having some special one on one time (though I now it is hard to get) can really happy how your feeling. You can connect.

Include them in exercise, have you guys ever heard of Zoobie? Its a kid exercise dvd about 15minutes long, tons of dancing they might love it and you get to dance with them, you get to pass down healthy traits. We dance, we go on nature walks in the backyard, we even do yoga its so funny to watch them do that at times I forget its exercise. Its all about finding a balance that works for you and your family. Finding people you can talk too openly without judgement. Being a mom is hard no one ever said it was easy, every moment we have with them is dedicated to taking care of them and sometimes as moms, we forget that we need to be taken care of too. You said you have a very supportive husband, have you voiced this too him?

Bella - this was a very respectful ,well thought out post that offered reasonable attainable suggestions and solutions ! It was a pleasure to read ...

Thank you, I didn't want to offend anyone and really hope I haven't.

oldbutnotover

Being a mom is indeed messy and inconvenient. Anyone who feels that this is not a part of parenting should be nominated for sainthood. Alot of the problem stems from too much expectation placed on mothers and not enough on fathers and extended family members. "It takes a village to raise a child".

Also, mothers are made to believe that if they place themselves, their well-being, and their happiness at the level of their children and spouses, then they are being selfish. This, of course, is not the case. An empty vessel has nothing to give.

You are every bit as important as your husband and children if not more so, since you are no doubt the glue that holds the family together. It is not only important, but indeed imperitive that you take VERY good care of yourself so that you can bring your absolute best self to the task of motherhood.

BellaRenee08

Being a mom is indeed messy and inconvenient. Anyone who feels that this is not a part of parenting should be nominated for sainthood. Alot of the problem stems from too much expectation placed on mothers and not enough on fathers and extended family members. "It takes a village to raise a child".

Also, mothers are made to believe that if they place themselves, their well-being, and their happiness at the level of their children and spouses, then they are being selfish. This, of course, is not the case. An empty vessel has nothing to give.

You are every bit as important as your husband and children if not more so, since you are no doubt the glue that holds the family together. It is not only important, but indeed imperitive that you take VERY good care of yourself so that you can bring your absolute best self to the task of motherhood.

Parenting should never feel like it is an inconvenience, if you feel this way you really should find someone to talk too. I'm sorry but its not. and yes the pressures of motherhood can be a bit overwhelming at times but its all about how you handle it. We no longer live in the world where *it takes a village* yes mothers are suppose to do it all without help and no that is not fair but if you in your heart find that your children are an inconvenience, not wanting to be around them at all and feeling as if you don't really care, then you need to seek professional help.

oldbutnotover

Don't apologise. You are expressing a personal moral. That is how you feel everyone ought to approach parenting. It leaves little room for other personal approaches or reality, but it is a personal moral non-the-less.

BellaRenee08

To all those saying we are horrible for suggesting therapy maybe you should think about all the women who started out feeling that way and ended up on the news when they killed their children.

I don't like being a mom. It's messy and inconvenient.

That is not the same as saying she feels lonely, frustrated, overwhelmed or anything related. She didn't say it's hard to squeeze in time for workouts. This was not a typical frustrated mom issue.

Don't say we are being mean by wanting her to get help. Saying it's normal to feel that way is harmful.

This. Someone is suggesting that you seek outside PROFESSIONAL help, and the community bashes them? Yes, that's unhealthy.

Thanks. This thread has me almost in tears. I am a mom - I love my child more than anything in this world. I admit I don't understand not wanting to be around your children, but in no way was suggesting professional help being mean. It was an honest concern for her children, and seriously why would someone not want to have someone to help them through these feelings so they could label themselves as terrific mom rather than mediocre mom? It must be terrible to feel that way, so get the help, work through the issues, and your kids will thank you for it someday!

Thank you.

What if she had come on here and said her husband told her he didn't like being a dad, it was messy and inconvenient? How many people would defend him and say it's normal?

Raising children doesn't get any easier as they age. At times mine drove me crazy and there were too many nights I cried myself to sleep but not once did I ever think they were in my way.

I can't even look at this thread anymore. It makes me sick for anyone to think it's okay and normal to resent your children.

If that was the case, then the thread would be bashing him. How he is a bad dad, a deadbeat.. We get off this image as Mothers & Fathers... Mothers are meant to handle the world and Fathers most of them are labeled as deadbeats even the good ones.

oldbutnotover

You have a very black and white approach to things. You seem to believe that you alone 'know' what is best for everyone else and you appear to have little compassion or understanding.

Which of us requires help?

thrld

My husband has been extremely supportive. But along with my road to health and self discovery, my daughters are missing out. I justify this by telling myself that as I learn to me a better me, I will be a better mom. They will be healthier both physically and mentally as I pass down what I have learned and break the vicious cycle of food addiction that generations of my family have suffered. But is this truly just that? Justification? Or is it fact? Are there any other moms out there with young children who understand this? Right now, I don't like being a mom. It's inconvenient for me. It gets in the way. It's messy. And yes, I feel guilty about feeling that way too, but it's how I feel. How do you cope?

YOU are your childrens' best model of what a healthy happy adult life looks like. If you cannot take time for yourself, if you are not truly happy -- what lesson does that provide your children? What are they learning from your example? Being a good parent is about raising people who will be resiliant, considerate, independent, social, happy and self-reliant. And you are right, life is messy and sometimes we are not in our comfort zone and have to juggle many expectations and try to fill too many buckets with our time.
It sounds like you've figured out your goal, so be patient while on the journey.

sicilysclover

I'm not a mom so I can be totally off the mark here, but I think it's so important that you went ahead and acknowledged these feelings! I never trust a mom who has a plastered smile on her face at all times - what are they hiding? You can't forget about YOU and remember your whole identity is not wrapped into "mom." So just saying outloud how you feel is probably a relief and i'm sure a ton of moms understand. Keep moving forward and keep acknowledging that having kids isn't going to 100% perfect every day. Though, if you continue to feel overwhelmed more than usual, I would talk to someone about it.

BellaRenee08

You have a very black and white approach to things. You seem to believe that you alone 'know' what is best for everyone else and you appear to have little compassion or understanding.

Which of us requires help?

that is for who?