An unmotivated spouse

FrauHausMaus

I need to rant a little.

I love my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. He was fat when I married him, he was fat when I met him waaaaay back in high school. I don't expect him to drop a ton of weight all of a sudden and just be thin. It's not going to happen.

But... my stepdad just died (a month shy of his 51st birthday) of acute renal failure and congestive heart failure. These complications arose because when he was my husband's age, he was fat and developed type 2 diabetes. It really, really scared me. Watching my mom have to suffer, knowing that my stepdad missed seeing my sister graduate from high school by just over a week- it broke my heart. I don't want to see the same thing happen to my husband. I love him. I want him to be around for a long, long time.

I've started back to taking care of myself. I check in with my mom a lot to make sure she's okay and make sure we both keep eating right and exercising, and she always asks the same question: "What about your husband?"

Well.... he's over-eating, as usual. He's very sedentary, as usual. He's out-growing all of his 3X shirts and size 46 pants.

Last night we had Porterhouse steaks for dinner. I ate a 4.5oz slice... he ate a whole one. He asked me to go to the store and get him some Texas toast to go with the steak, potatoes, corn, and asparagus we were having, and to make chocolate chip cookies for dessert. I refused the toast, but I made the cookies.

I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be angry with me for trying to "put him on a diet" or nag him about working out, but I also want him to live a long life without having to worry about bypass surgeries and CPAP machines if it's something that can be easily prevented.

I see him sitting on the couch for hours and hours at a time playing Modern Warfare, and I watch his feet turn purple. My stepdad's feet used to turn purple. I don't think my husband knows how scared I am for him. Every time I try to talk to him about it, he either ignores me or says I'm attacking him. Either way, it hurts.

I really need some advice. Have you been in my situation with your spouse? What did you do? Are you still dealing with it or did you find something to turn it around?

Were you once the unmotivated one? What triggered you to make a change?

Thanks

jamifaith

*hug* im not in that situation but I just wanted to offer some support and a couple ideas. Thatss a scary situation and your concern shows your love.
Im not sure if you have or not, but have a serious talk with him about it. I think the first step is to talk to him about these concerns.
next I would see if you can get him to go to a doctor. Just for a check up and to make sure thats.hess not diabetic. A lot of people are more willin to listen to a doctor, and maybe hearing it from a doctor will cause him to worry too.

Behind that all other action really depends on how far you are willing to push him and how far you think he can be pushed. Those are choices based on his personality and your relationship with each other, but if you think he can handle it, I would try a couple things.
Take him on a walk around the block with you. Hess large so maybe only a 5-10 min walk, but no only will that introduce the idea of regular exercise but a 5-10 minute stroll is great quality time, and we all know that every marriage benefits from some quality time.
stop going to restaurants. You know that he is going to make bad food choices and restaurants get expensive anyway, so just cut that out. Take the money you would be spending on restaurants and designate it for something non food related like saving for a mini vacation or (since hes a gamer) saving up for a new tv or something. That will make it seem more worhwhile. Hez not just losing restaurants, hess gaining something better.
Idk how your household works but in my house I do the grocery shopping and the cooking. My husband lost about ten pounds after moving in with me because by default he was eating the way that I eat. If you dontt buy cookie ingrediants than no cookies will be.consumed. if you only cook 10 ounces of steak, than he cantt eat more than the 5-6 ounces that you give him. just from the fact that he asked you to go buy texas toast, he doesntt sound like the type of guy who is going to throw on an apron and cook theextfood himself. If you dontt buy excess than he cantt eat excess and maybe when he sees that you arentt cooking extra food it will spark a conversation about why you started cooking smaller portions. Then youlll have to see if he is going to be concerned enough to.figt it

jamifaith

To fight it and cook/buy his own food, or if he will start to adapt.

Some people might think its wrong of you to limit how much food you offer him but if you are the one cooking than you should get to decide how much you cook. And you arentt going to be cooking smaller portions beuase hess overweight, you will be cooking proper portions because no matter what size he is you should be cookig proper portions.

Obviously stuff like this will test him and you will have to decide what would be pushing him too far but I wish you the best of luck.
You love him and want the best for him and im sure he will see that.

Sorry for the disjointed post. Stupid smart phones lol

dodihere

Don't give up on him. If you are fixing dinner then you can fix him healthy foods. Start there, if he wants to eat fattening foods let him go out of the way to fix them. Reward him, do something that sparks his interest in exercising.

I say this because my husband found out 3 months after we were engaged last year that he had congested heart failure. He lost 157 pounds 3 years ago but it was too late. He is 44 years old and already had a triple bypass, stents in his heart and his legs and has diabetes, all in the past year. It's very painful to watch someone go through this that you love very deeply. I imagine it will be less painful to influence your husband to get healthy.

freyaskitty

Good Morning,

First off, I am so sorry for the lose of your stepdad.

This is a tough one. We all know sometimes all the talking in the world is pretty useless. It's all falling on deaf ears. I suspect your husband is well aware of your fear and also well aware of the potential complications of his obesity and seditary life. I think what is going on is a whole lot of playing ostrich. Yup, the old 'head in the sand' "I don't hear you'...'la la la la' is going on.

One thing I can suggest. From what you wrote, it seems you are the grocery shopper and cook of the family. Here is where YOU have the power! Refuse to bring crappy food into your house. Period. Revamp your dinners. Like the one your showed us (porterhouse steak, potatoes, corn, asparagus, and cookies). Make it small filets, potato OR corn, asparagus and a big salad. Dessert-a fresh fruit based one. Even baked 'pies' like blueberry or strawberry have many less calories than cookies. Start substituting these sorts of thing. Give him portion control by controling the portions. No more 'family style' meals. Make only TWO servings of things. No leftovers. Make sure to have snacks easily avaliable. Fat-free chocolate pudding is delicious. So is sugar free Jello. Keep things like this around. Eventually, he'll eat them.

Will he complain? Of course he will. Stand firm. He will stop. If he wants cookies, tell him to go to the store and get them HIMSELF. YOU are NOT his maid, cook or slave. He is NOT a child. He is a grown man. If he wants something bad enough, he will get off the couch and go get it.

Quit feeding the bears! They will only come back for more.

Lisa

I need to rant a little.

I love my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't. He was fat when I married him, he was fat when I met him waaaaay back in high school. I don't expect him to drop a ton of weight all of a sudden and just be thin. It's not going to happen.

But... my stepdad just died (a month shy of his 51st birthday) of acute renal failure and congestive heart failure. These complications arose because when he was my husband's age, he was fat and developed type 2 diabetes. It really, really scared me. Watching my mom have to suffer, knowing that my stepdad missed seeing my sister graduate from high school by just over a week- it broke my heart. I don't want to see the same thing happen to my husband. I love him. I want him to be around for a long, long time.

I've started back to taking care of myself. I check in with my mom a lot to make sure she's okay and make sure we both keep eating right and exercising, and she always asks the same question: "What about your husband?"

Well.... he's over-eating, as usual. He's very sedentary, as usual. He's out-growing all of his 3X shirts and size 46 pants.

Last night we had Porterhouse steaks for dinner. I ate a 4.5oz slice... he ate a whole one. He asked me to go to the store and get him some Texas toast to go with the steak, potatoes, corn, and asparagus we were having, and to make chocolate chip cookies for dessert. I refused the toast, but I made the cookies.

I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be angry with me for trying to "put him on a diet" or nag him about working out, but I also want him to live a long life without having to worry about bypass surgeries and CPAP machines if it's something that can be easily prevented.

I see him sitting on the couch for hours and hours at a time playing Modern Warfare, and I watch his feet turn purple. My stepdad's feet used to turn purple. I don't think my husband knows how scared I am for him. Every time I try to talk to him about it, he either ignores me or says I'm attacking him. Either way, it hurts.

I really need some advice. Have you been in my situation with your spouse? What did you do? Are you still dealing with it or did you find something to turn it around?

Were you once the unmotivated one? What triggered you to make a change?

Thanks

Iceman1800

Not to sound crude but offer sexual favors if he loses a certain amount of weight. Make it fun and exciting. Totally serious

PhilyPhresh

Have you tried talking to him about your fears and concerns? If anything, I would think if he loves you as you do him that if you approach him with "I am really wanting to lose weight and I think the best thing would be to have your support" and have him help you with going on walks, eating healthier choices once in a while... those sorts of things, that will at least open the door way for some physical activity for him and possibly at least start an improvement to his diet. The problem is you can't make someone change who doesn't want the change for themselves...

...and what Iceman said couldn't hurt either... lol

ccarre81

Not to sound crude but offer sexual favors if he loses a certain amount of weight. Make it fun and exciting. Totally serious

This! Works for almost anything :blushing:

ElizabethRoad

If his feet are turning purple he needs to see a doctor NOW. That is not a thing that happens to normal people. He may already have diabetes and it needs to be treated immediately!

sarahharmintx

The health and early death of your stepdad is scary and Im sorry for your loss. My situation isnt nearly as bad as yours but I still wanted to post. Nothing really worked until my husband made up his own mind to do it. I told him that I saw his own mother struggling with her weight and I didnt want that to be an issue for him later in life. I told him that I wanted to have kids with him and watch him become a grandpa but I was afraid he wouldnt live long enough to see it. He never blew me off but he never really took action either. It helps that he is very supportive of me and is willing to go with the flow.

His eyes were finally opened on our vacation. He could not do things (biking and hiking) like he used to do when he was 18. Normally he could hike for milles in the heat and tough it out but when we hiked on vacation, he had to stop frequently at the more vertical parts. It scared him and it opened his eyes.

I didnt tell you all this to ramble on about myself. Im telling you this because 99.99% of the time, it will not matter what you do, say or fix for dinner because he will not change until he decides its time. And when that time comes, he has to figure out his own route but Im sure you will be there to constructively support him. Good luck.

moujie

ok the feet turning purple thing made me post to this. I offer this story as maybe something you can share with your husband. My father was diabetic. at the age of about 42 he had issues with his feet - some discoloration and numbness. He ignored it for awhile. On a routine checkup (which he only made to keep his insulin prescription up to date) his doctor told him he had to have something done immediately or risk losing his leg. That began a round of surgical procedures and various other things (including treatments in a hyperbaric chamber which were considered cutting edge technology at that time) to save his leg. Then surgery to remove his big toe to stop the now gangrene. Next came amputation below the knee and months of rehabilitation and learning to walk with a prosthesis. My dad was an active guy and this was incredibly difficult for him to have to rely on others, be wheelchair bound for a time and then learn to do everything again (just imagine balancing as you walk). The thing with amputation is it's not just the surgery and the healing afterward but the fact that your stump changes so you constantly need to get a new prosthesis. and you constantly have issues relating to that - getting used to it, getting sores, staying off of it for a time (which means you don't get to walk around). After just a few years he started to get discoloration in the other foot too. eventually the same exact thing happened - rounds of procedures to save the leg but eventually amputation. At this point my family was used to living in hospital waiting rooms -- heck I was in school and I used to do most of my homework in a hospital room chair. Not to complain that this was an inconvenience -- but this effected our whole family. Not to mention that my dad became a very angry person. Now I can see why but as a child it was so hard to have a parent that was like that. My dad was amazing with his disability - he drove himself to work using hand controls on his car, he did yardwork and projects around the house just like always. and whenever someone would ask him if he lost his legs in "the war" he'd say (with a completely straight face), "yes. I stepped on a landmine. twice" the funny thing is that most people didn't even get the joke they were too busy trying to be respectful.

(I realized I didn't include this last part at first so I'm editing to tell you: my dad died at the age of 57. At 42 I am now the age when most of his health issues started. It's very sobering for me to realize how young he was and how we really have to take care of ourselves.)

Anyway, this is SO not something to mess around with. I hope your husband gets medical attention for his feet and that he begins to take his whole health into consideration. For his sake and for yours and the rest of your family too. Good luck to you!

kimdarren

I completely agree.

I've had problems with my weight all of my married life (24 yrs). My husband has as well. I've tried so many times off and on trying to loose weight and said that he should as well. Well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it. His excuse was always 'you want to lose weight not me'.

Well, I've FINALLY started to lose some serious (more than 5lbs) of weight and he's noticed the difference. Ta-da! He's decided he's going to try as well. I refused to get him the biscuits when I made a cup of tea or anything else unhealthy. I told him I'm not gonna tell him he can't have anything, but he can get it himself, I don't want anything to do with it. I know it sounds childish, but needs must.

I'm sure if you're changing your habits and how you cook things as well as your shopping, you will soon see good changes in your health and overall well being. Maybe your hubby will 'wake up' one day and realise how good you're doing and how much happier you are in yourself that he may decide it's about time he did something himself.

Unfortunenately there's no magic wand to wave to get him to realize what he's doing (or not doing) to himself. Until HE is ready to do something about it, I'm afraid you just have to accept that you've only got control over yourself and your own actions. You just need to make it so obvious to him without you pointing it out that he 'wakes up and smells the roses'

best of luck

bushidowoman

The unfortunate fact is that you cannot nag your husband into taking care of himself (I tried with my Daddy. It didn't work. He died at age 55.) He will either decide on his own to take care of himself or he won't.
The other unfortunate fact is that if he is beginning to have health problems, his sexual drive may be affected (increased belly fat is often linked with decreased testosterone, purple feet indicate lack of circulation which can affect sexual performance, etc). Sexual favors may not motivate him, either. If this is the case, it has nothing to do with how attractive or sexy you are.

I know this is easier said than done, but what will probably be more helpful than talking, pleading, nagging, or bribing will be for you to simply live and enjoy your life the best you can. Be healthy, energetic, radiant, and happy. Take up some new active hobbies. Tell him you love spending time with him and you'd love for him to join you. Cook good foods for the both of you. If he wants something sweet, find a healthier replacement, and enjoy it together.
And realize that he is not going to change overnight. Every small step he takes in the right direction should be met with encouragement.

kzivic

I have an unmotivated fiancee. We're getting married in less than 2 months, and his goal seems to be putting on the lbs before the wedding, instead of trying to take them off.

It's hard, so hard to try to get them to see how their habits and neglect effect you as well. I'm hoping that I can lead by example and that my fiancee will see all the work and effort I'm putting in to improving myself and my health and it will motivate him to do the same.

I also do the grocery shopping and cooking, so I can somewhat control what we eat, but that only goes so far.

I've also found that when we talk about it sincerely, aka me not nagging him about it, he's more receptive to the discussion and will listen to me when I tell him I'm concerned about his weight and habits.

Good luck!

raeleek

Not to sound crude but offer sexual favors if he loses a certain amount of weight. Make it fun and exciting. Totally serious

LOL FUNNY! BUT so so true! You know the power sex has over men! :drinker:

saxmaniac

I'm sorry you're going through this.

The best way is lose weight yourself, and invite him to LOSE with you, but you have to realize this is just as likely to fail. Unless he wants to lose weight, it will never happen. Even if he comes on a 20-minute walk with you every day. Even if you prepare "healthy" meals for him, because all it takes is a bag of chips to undo it. He can't out-train a bad-habit diet with sporadic exercise, until those habits change.

If we follow the advice given in the "She's gaining weight thread" then most people here, if your spouse mentions weight, believe the right response is to smash your face in, cut you off from sex, and divorce you for even mentioning it. So take the advice with a grain of salt...

FrauHausMaus

Not to sound crude but offer sexual favors if he loses a certain amount of weight. Make it fun and exciting. Totally serious

Okay... that's hilarious!!

I want to thank everyone for their kind advice and encouragement. I am the cook and the shopper, and I don't typically buy "junk" to keep around the house, but my husband works in a grocery store. If he wants junk, he's surrounded by all the junk he could ever want. We don't go out to eat much, but he gets fast food for lunch every single day. Right now my wheels are turning to think of how I can control that.

First (obviously) pack his lunch; second, I'm going to take his money away. He has control of our debit card and swipes it with wild abandon, sometimes spending up to $60 a week on fast food. I took it once before because our finances were getting out of hand. He did lose a little weight though, which I wasn't really expecting. I gave him a finite amount of cash to carry each week just in case he forgot his lunch or needed to get gas or something, but I think we need to get back to that.

I do hope that him seeing the change it me will get him motivated, but it's hard to stay motivated myself without a partner. I get very down sometimes, and it would be nice if he would say, "I know you're sad, let's go for a walk," instead of, "I'll go get you some ice cream and beer"

This may be more information than ANY of you want, but his weight hasn't affected his sex drive. I am afraid that it might be the reason we can't get pregnant though. We know I'm fertile, but he won't go get checked because I think he's afraid they're going to tell him he needs to lose weight.

Thanks, everyone for the advice. Hopefully he'll decide to make a change soon.

dynad

I feel for you, I don't know why some people just don't get it! But like anything if he can't do it for himself it will never happen. Try leaving articles around the house of real facts about unhealthy life styles. Also once he sees how awsome you look and feel he might feel left out and join in?

Hugs

yoovie

what a selfish little turnip he is.

rml_16

I would talk to him about your stepfather and how you feel. And then maybe try to get him to commit to something small, like taking a walk with you every evening or trying a new (healthy, light) food at least once a week.

A lot of people think food can't taste good unless it's full of fat and smothered in salt. Sometimes just showing that person that it can be good AND healthy opens the person's eyes.

rml_16

If his feet are turning purple he needs to see a doctor NOW. That is not a thing that happens to normal people. He may already have diabetes and it needs to be treated immediately!

This, too. It's a sign of poor circulation, which is a symptom of diabetes.

Midnight_Sunshine

Not to sound crude but offer sexual favors if he loses a certain amount of weight. Make it fun and exciting. Totally serious

Doesn't work. Offered my boyfriend a threesome if he lost 30 pounds.

Still fat and lazy.

Rewards don't always mean motivation.

fitnfancy80

I am in the same boat. I am hoping and praying that soon he will follow my example. Also I do all the food shopping and cooking so if he isnt happy with what I make or buy then he is forced to do it himself. And thats works..men don't do that...j/k (not really)

stagknight

Get some brochures from funeral directors and next time he sits down to play modern warfare drop them in his lap and ask him to pick the casket ect, he wants, then when he asks what you mean, tell him you don't want the stress of planning his funeral so if he could plan what he wants as soon as possible you would be thankful. He might get the point.

sunnyside1213

bump

islandnutshel

I have a similar situation, but my husband does want to lose weight. His problem is that he retained his teenage eating habits. He still has a hard physical job and I can't expect him to want to exercise in the evenings. (I put a fitbit on him and he usualy gets 20000 steps a day, twice what I work to get.) His diet does undo the good he does physicaly.
What has not worked is lecturing, getting upset, scaring him, or begging.
What has worked, is starting dinner with a vegetable snack, salad or soup, or fruit. (about a half hour before dinner.
He also only has granola bars or corn chips or popcorn as snacks in the house, unless we buy specificaly for company.
I do most of the cooking and it is 90% healthy.
Where he gains weight is eating too much or eating out, or snacking at work or in fast food restaurants.
Slowly he has changed his eating habits and he is getting healthy little by little.
It is the permanent little things like not drinking pop, or drinking milk instead of cream in coffee. Cutting back on sugar.
If I expect big changes I will be dissapointed, as he is not there yet.
I understand the need to rant, I want my husband healthy too.
Lots of hugs.
Shel

Nysie5

i got my BF to change a bit of his habits, key is to start small, they are hardheaded after all, i was losing weight and he was happy about that, so all on his own he decieded to try also, so now i just have him look at the calories on whatever it is we buy to eat, just changing one item to a "light" version will help, and eventually he will care about how much he eats, also my bf is only allowed to play video games if he on the stationary bike to play them, (i dont know if he really does that or not he swears he does) but the point is to get them to think about it. Good luck my dear, prayers for your family

LizL217

I think you should put everything you've said in this post into a letter and ask him to read it.

You've laid out your feelings, fears and concerns in a very rational way, but sometimes when we try to express these emotions in a conversation they come out sounding like nagging rather than fear and concern. If he sees it in writing and if that letter is then kept aroud for a while where he can see it, I think it will be a lot harder for him to ignore your feelings.

MemphisGirl75

I am in EXACT same situation, FrausHaus. I have given up trying to help my husband. He doesn't want to change. We were fat together when we were dating, got married, and had a kid. At 35, I decided I needed to make the change ASAP so I wouldn't die of Type2 diabetes and renal failure like my father did.

I buy groceries for myself and our son, and he buys his own junk food. I quit caring about a year ago when he was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and refused to get medicine to help control it.

katweeks63

If his feet are turning purple he needs to see a doctor NOW. That is not a thing that happens to normal people. He may already have diabetes and it needs to be treated immediately!

I agree with this response! His feet turning purple is not normal!

I wanted to share a true story with you... One of my son's best friends that he grew up with, his father was a baptist preacher and was extremely obese. He had his stomach stapled so that he could loose enough weight that would be able to walk down the aisle at his son's (the friend) wedding, and died from a blood clot the night he came home from the hospital after the proceedure. This boy lost both his parents, his mother had a brain tumor, within 2 yrs.

Then he got married and gained some weight, not as extreme as his father, but enough to put him into the obese catagory. He went to the doctor for a check up and had a mild heart attack while walking on the tread mill. They sent him to the hospital and he insisted on driving himself so he could stop and get himself a whopper & fries. Yes, he did. He had a major heart attack at the hospital and almost died. He was in his mid 20s and had a 2 yr old son. To say the least, it took all of that to get him to react as he should have.

So... it may take something drastic for your husband. I hope he doesn't have to almost die to realize it.
Good luck.

Nikkei24

He is only going to do what he wants when he wants... it's life the same goes for you. When you wanted to workout and eat healthier you did because you wanted to not cause someone else thought you should or wanted you too. That being said my fiance is now working on bettering his health and will workout with me (something he did not do for the first year of my journey) you just gotta hope somehthing clicks for the ones you love. I told him I was worried and no matter how you say it telling someone they are over weight isn't something they are going to be appreciative of even if it's just cause you want to live a long life with them and have them around as long as possible. Just keep eating healthy (do not enable his crappy eating by making him cookies or giving in if he wants them tell him to make them ) & working out hopefully he will see how well you are doing and how awesome you feel and look and he will want to follow suit. It might not be tommorow or in a week or a month or 5 yrs but hopefully down the line he will.