An unmotivated spouse

theresmynapkin

some might say this is b*tchy of me, but actions speak louder than words. what I would do is seriously consider leaving or kicking him out for like a week or two and when he asks why tell him you need to get used to life without him because at the rate he's gaining weight/being the size he is, he's not going to be around for much longer. Reality sucks, but to me that would be a concrete way to make him understand that this situation is SERIOUS.

High_D

My husband has had a weight problem as far back as he can remember. When we married, he was 210 lbs. As of last June, he was 458 lbs. I'd tried to lose weight, but because he didn't do it with me, I fell back into my old eating patterns, and gained back everything I'd lost.

When he was his largest, even walking across a short front lawn to check the mail was VERY hard to do. He somehow was spared from most health problems, only suffering from high blood pressure and sleep apnea. At this point he was very depressed and didn't love himself, so was not accepting the fact that I loved him and cared about him.

I'm not sure what clicked and made him change, maybe the fact that the doctor couldn't give him anything else for his blood pressure, and the doctor telling him he'd always feel that bad unless he lost the weight. Just telling him this didn't do it though, because I've learned if you take something away, you have to put something in it's place. His doctor recommended a diet with accountability.

Now I weigh less than when I got married, and his goal is to weigh less as well (goal is 200 lbs). When he was ready, I was too, even if it meant committing to something I thought'd kill me (diet and exercise). He's lost over 250 lbs since June 2011 (without surgery), and he loves himself again, and willing to accept the fact that I love him. We are committed to keeping our weight off and living the healthy lifestyle.

Unfortunately there's not a switch that you can switch on to encourage him to exercise and eat healthy. I know how you feel, I've felt the same way, at times like an enabler. Stay positive and encouraging. Maybe try getting a male friend of his or your stepdad's to talk to him about it. Research diets that he might enjoy. When he finally decides to do so, you will be so ecstatic.

NavyKnightAh13

Ok, i'm going to share a personal story with you. I'm 24, and my husband is 25, going to be 26 in a couple of months. here is what scares me, by the time my mother in law was 51, she was overweight, and sadly passed away from a heart attack that was caused by the "widow maker". My mom passed away at the age of 57 from a massive heart attack (she had three others prior) as well as COPD and anal cancer as well as possible ovarian cancer, i watched her die as well as my grandmother (who passed 11 months after my mom) and then almost a year later almost lost my dad (he is in a mobility scooter).

Fast forward, my husband has a heart condition (neurocardiogeneic syncope) and is overweight, and I have been trying to get into shape because one I have asthma (I know i will have COPD, it runs in my family, as well as heart attacks, strokes, and blood clots) and two so our son can have mom. I have tried to get my husband to exercise, and every once in a while i can get him to, but between his work and all that, its impossible, and his eating habits have gotten slightly better, but he still prefers fast food every day or every other.

Moral of the story: your husband has to want to change, if not, then he will need to find out the hard way.

Kenhabes

I'm very sorry about your stepdad. My dad also died from complications of diabetes. He was only 62. He ignored it for far too long, was addicted to food, overate (he could eat half a loaf of bread and a pound of ground beef in a sitting). He went blind. He then needed dialysis. Then, he contracted a rare disease (calciphylaxis) that only a small percentage of renal failure patients get; most doctors don't even know what it is. It's extremely painful. He succumbed to pneumonia in October 2001.

I am 39 years old. I've been fat since second grade (8 years old). I'm 5'6" and weigh 209 lbs. currently (250 at my heaviest). I am taking medication for hypertension.

What I wanted to add is this: there is a good chance that your husband losing weight will not get rid of his need for CPAP. I have severe sleep apnea and have been using an APAP (auto adjusting CPAP) for three years. Without a doubt, it saved my life. I have many friends on my apnea message board who are women and are very petite, yet they have moderate to severe apnea. Will losing weight and eating better help? Almost certainly. He'll feel better and perhaps may NOT need CPAP, or he might be able to lower his pressure.

[Note: I do know people who have lost weight who had to INCREASE their CPAP pressure, but we on the board haven't been able to determine exactly why that happens in some cases. There are many helpful people on there if he needs it! (http://www.cpaptalk.com)]

In my case, I don't have a problem with food. Me and food have a nice respectful relationship now. I remember being little into my teens and early adulthood, stuffing my face and belly with food. Can't even imagine eating that much in a sitting now. I'd puke. My problem is with exercise. According to all the tests I've had, I don't have any heart problems, but exercising really makes me feel awful. Plus, I'm lazy and tired from being a dad to a toddler. I make excuses. I know I'm in a catch 22 with my energy levels.

Change comes from within. You can't force it. All you can do is be honest, loving and compassionate.

tamtamzz

He will only do what he wants to do. There is no forcing, convincing, or anything. The best thing you can do is lead by example and hope he follows.

Think about all the alcoholics, drug addicts, shopaholics, etc. in this world who will not stop self-destructive behavior in spite of people around them. They keep right on with their behavior despite the fact that it's killing them. It's hard to watch, but hopefully, he'll see your progress and will be inspired to join you.

mom2handh1975

My family has been laughing at me when I measure out my food. Let 'em laugh. Although I don't see huge changes in my family's behavior yet, I have heard my husband saying little things about portion sizes and second helpings. He's also asking me if *insert a food here* will work with my "diet". I use it as a lesson every time he asks! At the very least, I know he's starting to think about what we're eating. I don't know how long you've been working on the healthier lifestyle, but maybe he will come around little by little. Maybe he won't. That's not your choice to make, but you should certainly limit the amount you make for meals. Maybe put out an appetizer of some kind to get a little something in his belly before dinner. That should help him feel full sooner, so he won't gorge himself at dinner. Something as sneaky as soup can really help to fill you up without adding a lot of calories (depending on the kind of soup you serve). Make little changes - slowly - and hopefully he'll come around. Good luck!

Pedalpush

My eyes just about bugged out of my head when I read that his feet turn purple and my shaking head agreed vigorously with those who encourage him to SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION NOW!

Continue to lead by example but try not to be an enabler. I am definitely not one to talk because I walk my walk, but constantly have to push vegetables on my husband. And yet I find wrappers upon candy wrappers upon chip bags upon empty soda bottles in his office...

You can only do so much.

weighlossforbaby

I am sorry to hear about your stepdad. I am losing weight because my grandma died 2 years ago from a 2nd heart attack due to lack of oxygen from diabetes. Her siblings had diabetes too. My mom had ovarian cancer and my biological father's mother had cervical and breast cancer. I have a lot going against me. My husband doesn't exercise but he loses weight really easily and is at a good weight for his height. Your husband isn't gonna change unless he wants to. Making cookies for him to make him happy isn't helping him either. The purple feet does sound like diabetes and if it isn't looked at it will become a bad situation.

SusanDDuncan1

You can find healthy substitutes on Pinterest or Facebook Nutritional pages. Some of the Vegan sites really help. Take a look at this recipe. Don't tell him what is in it when you serve it. As he starts to lose a few lbs from the diet change, then he might be open to walking with you as well for exercise.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie
It's Healthy, Vegan & Gluten Free!! ♥

■2 cans white beans or garbanzos (drained and rinsed) (500g total, once drained)
■1 cup quick oats (uncooked)
■1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
■3 tbsp oil (canola, veg, or coconut)
■2 tsp pure vanilla extract
■1/2 tsp baking soda
■2 tsp baking powder
■1/2 tsp salt
■1 and 1/2 cups brown sugar (I used 2 1/2 cups Stevia)
■12 oz. chocolate chips (I used semi sweet)

Blend everything (except the chips) very well in a good food processor (not a blender). Mix in chips, and pour into an oiled pan (I used a 10-inch springform pan, but you can use a smaller pan if you want a really deep-dish pie.) Cook at 350F for around 35-40 minutes. Let stand at least 10 minutes before removing from the pan.

stxfuneral

To fight it and cook/buy his own food, or if he will start to adapt.

Some people might think its wrong of you to limit how much food you offer him but if you are the one cooking than you should get to decide how much you cook. And you arentt going to be cooking smaller portions beuase hess overweight, you will be cooking proper portions because no matter what size he is you should be cookig proper portions.

Obviously stuff like this will test him and you will have to decide what would be pushing him too far but I wish you the best of luck.
You love him and want the best for him and im sure he will see that.

Sorry for the disjointed post. Stupid smart phones lol

My husband was exactly as you described. When I met him he was pushing every bit of 500 pounds. I love this man so much, so I understand your frustrations. If you truly love him, you will put your foot down. He is dying before your eyes. Pretty soon, you won't have him at all. What i did with my husband was first had a talk with him. I expressed my concerns. then I told him I was no longer going to buy junk food, sodas, etc. If he didn't like what I made for dinner, tough ****. But you know what, he was too lazy to make himself anything so he ended up eating what I made anyway. He complained, but he ate it. It took time, but his tastes did change. He buys junk food from time to time, but not like before. I don't keep it in the house at all. If he wants a snack, he can have fruit or whatever else we have in house. He was too lazy to go out and buy junk food a lot, so he ate what we had at home. Tell him you want him to spend time with you. Find a trail or track to walk together and talk. Little by little it will change, but you need to put your foot down and be assertive. My husband has since lost about 200 pounds. The best part is, we do things together on a regular basis. I love our walks, it gives us some much needed alone time and exercise at the same time.

metapixie

*hug*

I too would be terrified for my husband. You sound really strong given what you've been through. :-)


I wanted to say that I joined this site a few days ago because I have been motivated by my husband's recent weight loss and improved fitness. A few months ago, his doctor told him he could get off blood pressure meds if he lost weight. I guess that was enough motivation. The two of them put their heads together and decided he would give up sugary drinks and afternoon junk food snacks and walk for 10 minutes after each meal. It's been four months and his waist has dropped from a 40 to a 36. His dr cut his meds in half and thinks he'll be off of them in a couple more months. It has been astounding to watch. I have a hard time imagining my 6'4" husband back to the 32" waist he was in college, but that's apparently their plan.


My husband thinks I'm beautiful if I'm a size 4 or 14. But he told me he'd been reading about PCOS and diabetes and it scares him. His concern was touching. And he's done SO WELL. So, here I am. I'm trying to lose weight because my husband looks and feels fantastic, and I want that for myself too.


You're strong and motivated. If your husband is anything like me, he'll be motivated by your success.

Weebs628

He will only do what he wants to do. There is no forcing, convincing, or anything. The best thing you can do is lead by example and hope he follows.

Think about all the alcoholics, drug addicts, shopaholics, etc. in this world who will not stop self-destructive behavior in spite of people around them. They keep right on with their behavior despite the fact that it's killing them. It's hard to watch, but hopefully, he'll see your progress and will be inspired to join you.

What she said. It's sad but true. You can't help someone who doesn't want to change.

tvanhooser

Take a nutrition seminar together through community education from a hospital, parks and rec or local community college. I learned alot that way when my husband was diagnosed with diabetes that helps me with controlling my own diet now that I am getting serious about losing weight--finally. My husband doesn't really follow his diet plan either....nagging has no effect, or a negative one; and no matter how I cook healthy and pre-plate the food in appropriate portions/calorie count and try not to leave too much leftover for grazing, he still makes random snacks for himself --and not healthy ones either. So it almost doesn't matter what I do because he isn't taking responsibility for himself and his health. I can't police him every minute of every day....and some point he has to face up to his responsibility or the consequences WILL catch up with him eventually. He doesn't listen much to the doctor either who tells him if he would lose about 60 lbs., the type 2 would go away but he doesn't really believe him. He just said he's never been that light in his life and I don't think he really believes that it's possible or worth the effort it would take. In any case, he's not really motivated to do anything about it to find out if the doctor is right. He's kind of a "Leave me alone, I'll do it my way. Don't tell me what to do!" kind of person. Nothing I have said, from concern or scientific/medical fact, nor the doctor's continual refrain makes any dent. He did walk for about 30 minutes several days a week earlier this year with the kids but he got a new (temp) job where he gets pretty beat from the heat and heavy labor and has no energy at the end of the day. I guess that counts as exercise of a sort so it's better than nothing. But he doesn't do anything he doesn't absolutely have to and complains loudly (to me) if he has to. His default activity even on a day off is TV/video games/random internet surfing (only a small percentage of the time to any worthy end like finding a real job again.) I've had to come to the point where I know that he knows what he should do but it's not going to happen until he decides to take it on himself. Exterior motivation doesn't work...it has to come from within or it won't stick because you can't keep up any incentives infinitely and when you miss a beat, if he's like my husband anyway, he will immediately jump on it as an excuse why he doesn't have to keep up his end of the bargain. I know that's probably not what you want to hear....but the only thing I can think of is if your husband does NOT make his own snacks, you have more control over what he eats so the pre-plating correct portion sizes and not leaving leftovers for seconds can take care of the overeating. If he sabotages himself behind your back -- well, all I can say is I'm so sorry. I feel your pain.....but unfortunately, once we've done our best to encourage our loved ones to eat healthy, whether they cooperate or not or respond to the concern and compassion positively or negatively is totally on them. Hopefully, your husband would be more cooperative if the doctor told him than mine is so I would definitely recommend and agree with the suggestions that you get him in for a full physical ASAP. It can't hurt and if it helps, you're that much ahead of the game. My prayers are with you and your hubby! )

KarenisPaleo

what a selfish little turnip he is.

^^This, for sure.

Purple feet, modern warfare and you're trying to make a baby with him? Oy

mushroomcup

what a selfish little turnip he is.

This cracked me up. :P

To the OP: I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't think my situation is nearly as bad, but my boyfriend is rather unmotivated. He's only 50 lbs or so overweight, but it's having an effect on his health and it worries me. I decided to just take things into my own hands. Now I cook all his meals and plan all his snacks, drinks, everything - every single thing he eats, I keep track of. He hated it at first, but now I think he enjoys it; it's less work for him, you know? Plus, he's seeing results on the scale without having to stress about the diet since it's on me, which actually motivates him to keep going. I DO nag him to exercise and while he'll complain, whine, get defensive, get offensive, I just let it roll off me b/c I know if I keep nagging he may resent me a little, but in the long run it's worth it. His health is most important. And generally, when he finally gives in and exercises, he thanks me after. I'd say if you can handle the stress that will come with it, keep at it and "nag" if you must. Good luck! =\

edited for typo

FrauHausMaus

Get some brochures from funeral directors and next time he sits down to play modern warfare drop them in his lap and ask him to pick the casket ect, he wants, then when he asks what you mean, tell him you don't want the stress of planning his funeral so if he could plan what he wants as soon as possible you would be thankful. He might get the point.

Last night when he asked me why I wouldn't get Texas Toast, I said "because extra large caskets are really expensive" and he said "I'm being cremated". Me, "they'll have to cremate you in sections"

Also, I'm pretty much over the idea of wanting to have a baby at this point. He says HE wants one, but he's obviously not willing to get healthy first, and going on what I've seen from him so far, he won't be much help with a baby. I'm really counting the days until I can get my tubes tied. I don't want to be a single mom... again! He knows how I feel about this.

I am going to try this whole portion control thing and see what effect it has. I figure he'll either lose weight or he'll start making snacks for himself. We'll just have to see what happens. I hope it doesn't take something as drastic as a terrifying diagnosis to wake him up. Even if he is a selfish turnip, I want to keep him.

When we talk about his weight, he always thinks I am attacking him because of his looks, but that isn't the case. I don't find moobs particularly attractive, but I am attracted to him no matter what his size. I just want him to be healthy. Because of how he responds to discussions about his weight, I'm guessing that he is self-conscious about his looks- although he'd never admit it. Sometimes he tells me he was never self-conscious until he married me, but I suspect he does that to hurt my feelings.

Cristofori44

Not to sound crude but offer sexual favors if he loses a certain amount of weight. Make it fun and exciting. Totally serious

Doesn't work. Offered my boyfriend a threesome if he lost 30 pounds.

Still fat and lazy.

Rewards don't always mean motivation.

/\ What does it take? LOL!

islandnutshel

You can find healthy substitutes on Pinterest or Facebook Nutritional pages. Some of the Vegan sites really help. Take a look at this recipe. Don't tell him what is in it when you serve it. As he starts to lose a few lbs from the diet change, then he might be open to walking with you as well for exercise.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie
It's Healthy, Vegan & Gluten Free!! ♥

■2 cans white beans or garbanzos (drained and rinsed) (500g total, once drained)
■1 cup quick oats (uncooked)
■1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
■3 tbsp oil (canola, veg, or coconut)
■2 tsp pure vanilla extract
■1/2 tsp baking soda
■2 tsp baking powder
■1/2 tsp salt
■1 and 1/2 cups brown sugar (I used 2 1/2 cups Stevia)
■12 oz. chocolate chips (I used semi sweet)

Blend everything (except the chips) very well in a good food processor (not a blender). Mix in chips, and pour into an oiled pan (I used a 10-inch springform pan, but you can use a smaller pan if you want a really deep-dish pie.) Cook at 350F for around 35-40 minutes. Let stand at least 10 minutes before removing from the pan.

Love the recipe and will definately try it. Just wanted to add a note that if you make this for a gluten free person, that 99% of oats are NOT gluten free (must look for gluten free oats specificaly in health food stores).

EvgeniZyntx

Get some brochures from funeral directors and next time he sits down to play modern warfare drop them in his lap and ask him to pick the casket ect, he wants, then when he asks what you mean, tell him you don't want the stress of planning his funeral so if he could plan what he wants as soon as possible you would be thankful. He might get the point.

Last night when he asked me why I wouldn't get Texas Toast, I said "because extra large caskets are really expensive" and he said "I'm being cremated". Me, "they'll have to cremate you in sections"
.

How is that passive-aggressive sarcasm working for you?
Seems not so well.

You can't nag him into it. These comments only reinforce the barrier.

In a neutral setting, without being in the situation of attack/defense you need to calmly talk about life in general, your love, what your common expectations are for the next years. Ease into what would be the ideal him, how does he want to feel? Does he want to be present if you ever have a baby. Voice your concerns in terms of your love for him. Eventually in this conversation or another - ask him what he wants to do positive about himself? Eventually he is going to need to commit to it. You can't do it for him.

If he cannot listen -- tell him you love him but you are not willing to kill him with food. And get ready to make drastic decisions if that is what you feel is necessary.

My brother is your husband. I love him dearly, but I will not eat with him - I'm not going to participate to suicide by food.

chippy83

I think you should put everything you've said in this post into a letter and ask him to read it.

You've laid out your feelings, fears and concerns in a very rational way, but sometimes when we try to express these emotions in a conversation they come out sounding like nagging rather than fear and concern. If he sees it in writing and if that letter is then kept aroud for a while where he can see it, I think it will be a lot harder for him to ignore your feelings.

THIS. I think honesty is going to be your best policy, and reading a letter will allow him to (hopefully) truly reflect on what is written. It sounds like you'd like him to be around for a while, and even start a family with him! A doctor's appt is definitely in the future, for both general health check-up and possible fertility issues. Also, perhaps individual/couples counseling to be able to talk about things in a neutral setting? I know that you can't "make" anyone change, but if he really truly loves you, he'll at least consider it.

Good luck!!

tvanhooser

Like and like!! Great idea and I totally agree! )

I think you should put everything you've said in this post into a letter and ask him to read it.

You've laid out your feelings, fears and concerns in a very rational way, but sometimes when we try to express these emotions in a conversation they come out sounding like nagging rather than fear and concern. If he sees it in writing and if that letter is then kept aroud for a while where he can see it, I think it will be a lot harder for him to ignore your feelings.

THIS. I think honesty is going to be your best policy, and reading a letter will allow him to (hopefully) truly reflect on what is written. It sounds like you'd like him to be around for a while, and even start a family with him! A doctor's appt is definitely in the future, for both general health check-up and possible fertility issues. Also, perhaps individual/couples counseling to be able to talk about things in a neutral setting? I know that you can't "make" anyone change, but if he really truly loves you, he'll at least consider it.

Good luck!!
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FrauHausMaus

Letter writing really pisses him off. He says it makes him feel like a jerk and he throws it away.

And we have talked. We've gone on vacation where it's just the two of us, totally relaxed and no one arguing. We've talked and there have been times where he seems receptive and tells me he knows he has to make a change and he knows how he's living isn't healthy. And there have been times when we've talked and he shuts down. He give me that "not this *kitten* again" look and he just nods his head without listening.

I'm not ready to give up on him, but I know he's not going to really change anything until he's ready.

Oh... we didn't end up walking last night because the weather was narsty. I'm hoping it will be better today and I can get him around the block with me.

I am planning to confiscate his money today and pack his lunch, as well as make sure he wakes up in time to eat breakfast before he goes to work. Hopefully that will curtail two fast food trips for today.

And as to everyone telling me he needs to go to the doctor about his feet: I know this, but he just changed jobs and his insurance hasn't kicked in yet. Once it does, he is required to submit to a full physical. Waiting for his insurance to kick in is terrifying for me, but we simply can't afford to take him to the doctor for a battery of tests. If he can hold out just a few more weeks, we'll be able to go.
___________

Edited for typo

saxmaniac

Just heads up, confiscating his money will not work unless he's on board with it. But packing his lunch would probably be well received!

As a couple, I'm all for having a shared budget (e.g., Dave Ramsey style) and using cash to keep expenses from getting out of hand - but budgeting can't be unilaterally imposed. You can try, but it will blow up eventually.

FrauHausMaus

Just heads up, confiscating his money will not work unless he's on board with it. But packing his lunch would probably be well received!

As a couple, I'm all for having a shared budget (e.g., Dave Ramsey style) and using cash to keep expenses from getting out of hand - but budgeting can't be unilaterally imposed. You can try, but it will blow up eventually.

It's something we'd both do. We've agreed to it before, I just have to talk him into in this time.

Today isn't going well. My request for an after dinner walk was rejected out of hand. His shoes were wet from work and he didn't have any others. Fair enough. Second helping of dinner didn't help. He got it himself while was doing something else. Didn't get it into the fridge quickly enough.

And now he's drinking. Beer. And on the xbox.

I went to the gym. It hurts me to watch him do this to himself. I'm sure gonna miss him when he's gone.