Dealing with Well-Meaning but Unsupportive People

Tashcake

So what do you do when it feels like (even if it's not really true) everyone around you wants you to be fat?

Maybe that's a litlte melodramatic- I know my friends and family don't want me to be fat (at least a rather hope not!) However I have found that friends and family, whilst seeming to be supportive and loving me just the way I am, can really bum me out sometimes regarding the whole losing-weight-and-getting-fit thing.

When I was clinically overweight and knew it, everyone said 'you're beautiful as you are' and 'you don't need to lose any weight, you already look great' and 'I don't think being skinny would suit you' (yes, more than one friend actually said the last one! Anyway I don't want to be 'skinny', I just don't want to be chubby.)

When I lost two stone over a year I did get complements, but also friends and family started expressing their concern at how I was so careful with calories and how I was so focused with my exercise routine. I'll be the first to admit I was quite strict with myself, but I was no-where near having an eating disorder as some people hinted toward. My mum even told me I should eat more and that exercising too much could be very dangerous. Well yes I suppose it can, but only going to 50 minute long fitness classes twice a week doesn't really count as fitness torture in my book.

Now I've gained a little back on again (only a little thank goodness, but still enough to royally piss me off after all my hard work), it's back to 'you don't need to lose any weight' and even 'really?? I thought you'd lost weight again the last time I saw you!' I have to conclude that people seem to be more comfortable with the thought of me being a bit softer around the edges. It doesn't help that I'm living with my parents at the moment whilst I save up for a morgage, and despite having sat them down and explained to them what I'm doing I'm still offered cakes, chocolates, snacks round the clock (which I can more often than not turn down, but my willpower will break now and again alas).

What do you do when your nearest and dearest are like this, when you yourself are so determined to change your own life?

LollipopViolet

I get this. It's lovely, in one way, because my friends, and boyfriend, are accepting of who I am, but in another way, I kinda feel that believing them is what got me into this mess.

I normally explain that whilst they're being lovely, I am not happy in my own skin and have decided to make some changes. They usually accept it, no problem.

My boyfriend really is great, when I told him my plan, he said, "Babe, I love you just as you are, but I want you to be happy. I'll support you in whatever you choose to do."

opuntia

I used to be one of those well-meaning friends, because I felt like people weren't enjoying life or food when they were counting calories all the time and restraining from eating stuff they liked. And often people losing weight didn't seem overweight to me, and they seemed overly critical of how they looked. I had quite a few friends obsessed with their weight and feeling ugly and never enjoying their food because they felt guilty and worried that they'd gain some weight, and I felt bad for them and wanted to encourage them, because it didn't make any sense to me that they should think like this. So I can understand where the well-meaning friends would be coming from, and I don't think it would bother me if someone said that sort of thing to me. I don't tend to tell people I'm losing weight though - because weight loss is not my major goal, although it is happening, and I assume it will continue to happen until I reach my healthiest weight. My major goal is to be healthy and strong and have energy, so I tell people that. People are generally okay with that, especially as they know I have sensitivities to a lot of foods. It wouldn't make sense for them to tell me to eat food that will make me feel unwell.

tinytinam

Sounds to me that you are doing great first of all. Well done! You know, people don't want to say the wrong thing and probably believe they are being supportive. My own mother used to actually press more food on me if I said anything about wanting to diet. I think family can get a bit stuck themselves and when they see you achieving your goals, it unconsciously makes them a bit uncomfortable because they know deep down that they probably need to eat more healthily themselves. You in a way are maybe upsetting the status quo. The best thing you can do for your family is to keep showing them good example and hopefully they will follow suit eventually! It is easy to slip back a little, but that is life isn't it? Keep talking to us on MFP. We know who you feel. Keep up the good work.

gooellie

I run into a similar situation, however i come from this athletic family my brothers both run cross country and parents are naturally thin! its stress full we always have ice cream ding dongs and cookies here! and i love my ice cream it seems impossible at times that's why i came here i finally hope to find that support system! My house is the anti diet! but i would love some support! so add me

geebusuk

I have a big frame; it's good in that I can be overweight and still look 'ok', but people'll would often do the whole "you don't need to lose weight" - I'm not one to get my gut out in such a state, but I well knew that while it was around level with my rib cage, that was a big lots of wobby fat there.

Thankfully I'm pretty good at drawing inspirations from myself rather than others .

happyfeetrebel1

I started at 301 and was literally HUGE

People now are telling me that I'm too skinny. I'm not, I have around 20 lbs to go until I'm a 'healthy' weight...but I honestly don't think it's jealousy. I just think that in their minds, I AM skinny. They're used to the huge me, and the new me is very very different.

I also think that people see overweight people as the norm, because so many peeps are overweight. We don't recognize the 'normal' anymore, because all we see is the overweight.

Just my take on it.

emtb319

This could be a cultural/generational thing. I was raised in an Italian household and we women are supposed to be husky. Which is why I ballooned to 315lbs. Also, just a generation or so ago, women were encouraged to gain weight. For both reasons, it showed that ladies are good cooks/caretakers and that their husbands were good earners.

Also, take into consideration, that they could be jealous. They want to lose but can't or won't. They see you doing so well, so they have to sabotage you to make themselves feel better.

Any way you slice it, take it all with a grain of salt and remember why you are on this journey. You're not doing it for them or their approval, you're doing this for yourself and your well being. Try not to let them get to you.

SweetCheekszx0

This could be a cultural/generational thing. I was raised in an Italian household and we women are supposed to be husky. Which is why I ballooned to 315lbs. Also, just a generation or so ago, women were encouraged to gain weight. For both reasons, it showed that ladies are good cooks/caretakers and that their husbands were good earners.

Also, take into consideration, that they could be jealous. They want to lose but can't or won't. They see you doing so well, so they have to sabotage you to make themselves feel better.

Any way you slice it, take it all with a grain of salt and remember why you are on this journey. You're not doing it for them or their approval, you're doing this for yourself and your well being. Try not to let them get to you.

^^ this ❤ I think we've all gone threw it. At the end of the day if your honest with yourself. Rest when you need to and don't starve yourself... F what neone else thinks. Don't let them steal your focus or your drive. Because your the one that dug that **** up when everyone else didn't bother to smack u & say hey u could lose a few. ... I always get mad that my fam/friends slowly watched me get over eight without a peep?. Yea no you wanna lose more and be fit or lean... Go for it. ❤