Dating/relationships conflict of interest.....

myth4ever

Friends lend me thy ear!

I am curious to know your thoughts about going into relationship with a person that lives a lifestyle contridicts your very own.... most of us on Mfp are here to support each other, be examples for others in the importance of health and fitness. By no means is it everyone's desire to be magazine models or anything but to be aware of how important nutrition and being active is to the quality of life you live.

Now I meet a lady recently we share some similar interests but in the department of health and fitness we are POLAR OPPOSITES..... She doesn't care at all about working out and says that's not something she will do because she is "lazy"....(her words), myself I workout twice a day 5/6 days a week. I am particular about what I eat when I eat etc.....she couldnt care less about living off eating out day in and out fried foods etc....

Now we all on here are working hard at maintaining or reaching a fitness goal.... My question is would you entertain getting to know someone who opposed your very existence? Am I wrong for going my separate way?

I put it like this....if you were a drug rehab director and your mate did cocaine and sold it on a regular.

Iceman1800

I think you would be wrong. As long as she isn't sabotaging you and your goals, why does it matter?

peachyxoxoxo

I would not be interested in dating someone who didn't care about their health and fitness. That's a huge part of my life. I could see the time devoted to maintaining/bettering my health becoming an annoyance to the other person.

TavistockToad

Opposites attract?

As log as she understands the importance of ur healthy lifestyle to you, nothing else matters.

Saree1902

It depends how 'against' your lifestyle the person is - I'm a keen runner and I hit the gym a few times a week. I also (try to) dodge greasy food as it often disagrees with me. My other half is less keen on the gym and likes fine foods but he still supports my health kicks e.g. by using cooking sprays/low fat creme fraiche/extra veggies when he does the cooking.

Someone doesn't have to have exactly the same interests as you, as long as they're supportive and they understand why it's important to you...I couldn't care less about Formula 1, but it keeps him happy!

RadioactivePirate

I doubt it's possible to be in a relationship with someone who lives an opposite lifestyle from yours and have it NOT have an impact on your lifestyle, especially one that takes so much time and energy to maintain. And it's not the sort of thing you can compromise on - giving her what she wants and eating unhealthy foods/going out to eat a few times a week is enough to destroy fitness progress even if you eat clean the rest of the week. Even if you manage to make it work or she rolls her eyes and goes along with your healthy stuff for a while, it will likely cause problems down the road unless one of you changes. Sounds like it wasn't a good match and you did the right thing by not pursuing it.

legs_n_bacon

It doesn't matter if we say you are right or wrong, its your decision and you have to be comfortable with it.


That being said, I couldn't be with someone who was lazy, I like to be outdoors walking, hiking, swimming and playing sports. I want someone who is going to do all that with me.

mfkn_Titanium

Honestly - so many of us were right where she is now - unmotivated and not caring. This isn't to say she will always be like this. Everyone changes. Maybe your healthy lifestyle will start to rub off on her. Maybe something will snap and she'll decide "it's time!". Maybe she'll get a report from her doc that she has high cholesterol and needs to start watching her intake. It usually takes *something* to cause us to start paying attention to how we are treating our bodies...maybe she hasn't found her something yet.

But that doesn't make her any less of a person. I was just as awesome at 220 lbs as I am at 153 lbs. However...I lacked confidence and had a low self-worth then. So I could foresee a problem if she starts to feel inferior or insecure in your presence/relationship. That will create more problems than you care to deal with (and I'm not saying that all of this goes away once someone gets healthy).

I guess you have to ask yourself - if she's worth it? Her personality might be so kick *kitten* that you don't care if she wants to eat McDonalds when you'd rather eat a nice steak and veggie meal. You have to make sure she understands her place too - if you have a committed schedule to workout out - don't let her interfere with that and be sure she knows this is your thing and to respect it (rather than get whiney that you don't spend enough time with her, or whatever). You gotta keep making time for yourself...because in a relationship, it's so easy to just slowly let that slip away if the other person isn't on board.

neverstray

There is just no way that would work for me at all. Mainly, I hate lazy, and I can't stand people that don't care about their health. It would bother and annoy me.

kekl

It doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, but for me it didn't work at all....

I was kind of in the same situation - my ex ate nothing but junk, never exercised, but was naturally thin and didn't put on any weight. All he wanted to do was watch movies, play video games (with junk food of course) or go out to eat. He didn't want to do anything active or outdoorsy that I wanted to do - I didn't expect or want him to come to the gym with me or anything, but he wouldn't want to go hiking, swimming or even walking around town/the park for 20 minutes. I was still in the midst of the "new relationship glow" and only saw him a couple days a week so I didn't mind it too much (though it did bother me),

Thankfully this relationship was terminated quickly when he started saying how he wished I would lose weight faster, I should eat less and healthier, and run more, which coming from any person would be enough to make me angry but coming from him, who spent his days sitting on the couch eating chips... yeah, I couldn't do it. :flowerforyou:

wgn4166

I have always cared about fitness. My husband could care less. He eats CRAP all the time! He won't walk with me. I have begged for years.
He is overweight and I am worried that he is going to have a heart attack. He is younger than I am so I always tell him that he can't die and leave me, that he needs to start getting into shape.
He says he is fine with his weight, but in all reality, he needs to lose about 50 pounds.
Do I love him any less? No. I love him with all my heart!
When I lose a few pounds he always says "Way to go honey!"
It doesn't matter that he is not on the fitness road that I am on. I knew this when I married him.
He loves me and is very good to me and that is all that matters!

myth4ever

It doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, but for me it didn't work at all....

I was kind of in the same situation - my ex ate nothing but junk, never exercised, but was naturally thin and didn't put on any weight. All he wanted to do was watch movies, play video games (with junk food of course) or go out to eat. He didn't want to do anything active or outdoorsy that I wanted to do - I didn't expect or want him to come to the gym with me or anything, but he wouldn't want to go hiking, swimming or even walking around town/the park for 20 minutes. I was still in the midst of the "new relationship glow" and only saw him a couple days a week so I didn't mind it too much (though it did bother me),

Thankfully this relationship was terminated quickly when he started saying how he wished I would lose weight faster, I should eat less and healthier, and run more, which coming from any person would be enough to make me angry but coming from him, who spent his days sitting on the couch eating chips... yeah, I couldn't do it. :flowerforyou:

That's kinda how I feel....I don't want that glow to cloud the big picture....

myth4ever

Honestly - so many of us were right where she is now - unmotivated and not caring. This isn't to say she will always be like this. Everyone changes. Maybe your healthy lifestyle will start to rub off on her. Maybe something will snap and she'll decide "it's time!". Maybe she'll get a report from her doc that she has high cholesterol and needs to start watching her intake. It usually takes *something* to cause us to start paying attention to how we are treating our bodies...maybe she hasn't found her something yet.

But that doesn't make her any less of a person. I was just as awesome at 220 lbs as I am at 153 lbs. However...I lacked confidence and had a low self-worth then. So I could foresee a problem if she starts to feel inferior or insecure in your presence/relationship. That will create more problems than you care to deal with (and I'm not saying that all of this goes away once someone gets healthy).

I guess you have to ask yourself - if she's worth it? Her personality might be so kick *kitten* that you don't care if she wants to eat McDonalds when you'd rather eat a nice steak and veggie meal. You have to make sure she understands her place too - if you have a committed schedule to workout out - don't let her interfere with that and be sure she knows this is your thing and to respect it (rather than get whiney that you don't spend enough time with her, or whatever). You gotta keep making time for yourself...because in a relationship, it's so easy to just slowly let that slip away if the other person isn't on board.

I get we all got different starting points......but what happens if that person never starts...I can't be mad 5years down the road when she says I told you this when we met....

juliecat1

That's be a deal breaker for me. This is my lifestyle now... Active and busy. It takes hours of my day, everyday. Id want someone who would get up and go for a run or hike with me. Go golf or do that ever active thing I wanted to that day. And that's not even touching the food aspect. It's really hard to stay on plan when you're with someone who's eating whatever they want.

misskristy30

Good question. But really I think only you can answer if YOU would be happy with someone like that. Do be careful thinking or hoping she'll change.

Mellie289

I get we all got different starting points......but what happens if that person never starts...I can't be mad 5years down the road when she says I told you this when we met....

This is absolutely true. You have to take her as the person she is now and not expect her to change. Hoping or expecting someone to change in a relationship from who they are when you meet them to what is ideal for you isn't going to work. Ever.

I don't see how this could work out as a couple just visualizing dinners. I recently dated someone who eats out and never cooks. I could see us managing as a couple if I was the one to cook every meal - and he could either eat what I make or fend for himself. It's not the ideal of what I have in mind for a relationship in which a couple sits down and eats together every night like people used to. I would find it even more difficult if he was a snacker, constantly chomping on potato chips or other high calorie foods in front of the TV. I don't want to get sucked into that kind of mindless grazing. Living alone, I make sure that junk doesn't come home with me from the grocery store.

Lazy would also be a deal-breaker for me. I had a couple years of "lazy" while my thyroid was low and went undiagnosed. I won't go back to that again and I want a partner who has a similar energy and activity level to mine now.

There are some things where being opposites can be a plus in a relationship, but to me this isn't one of them. I can see that it's something you could deal with for the right person, if everything else was such a good match, but it would be difficult, and again, you would have to accept her as she is now - lazy and not interested in a healthy lifestyle.

meerkat70

I run five times a week, cycle and go to gym to lift. My partner, who I love and who I get on incredibly well with, does very little health and fitness wise. He will sometimes cycle with me.

A lot of my time is spent doing health and fitness related stuff, but we find ways round it. It's no biggy really.

Ocarina

I think she would rub off on you eventually. You'll want to go to the gym and she'll probably complain that you are there all the time. Or maybe when she makes greasy food for you that you will not want to eat it because it's so unhealthy and she could get offended. Maybe she'll have insecurities because she doesn't work out and will wonder if you will be bothered by that.

Honestly I'd avoid at all costs. But that's just going into a relationship you must accept how a person is otherwise you are a total hypocrite when you try to change them. I would have a discussion about it and see her responses. Whatever happens from that will bring out the red flags.

avir8

couples adopt each others' habits, she might be motivated by you to work out but you would then train a little less. It's not the extreme of cocaine dealer + rehab specialist relationship, but prepare yourself for some sabotage on both your parts if you continue. It may not be intentional, but it seems that you both have your beliefs and are sticking to them-- in terms of health and fitness. I say if she's worth going after, then maybe you might mesh on some other levels. Best of luck

Sabine_Stroehm

I think MANY couples don't agree on exercise and food.

Is she obese? Unhealthy? Or just not an exerciser?

cior

Not magazine models??! But that's why I joined in the first place ..... :laugh:

AJ_Pete

If you like her, explore things. Easy peasy.

myth4ever

I get that we are all diiferent.....I actually embrace it!!! I been called everything under the sun because of the way I live. But when someone doesn't take an interest in making sure they are going to be around for the long haul by taking care of themselves in the simpliest form...... How can you grow as one?

Tomorrow isn't promised by any means but I don't understand Russion Roulette as a game any one would enjoy playing. But when you look at the big picture the choices you make early have an impact on your life later, so I do what I do know so that my tomorrow if I am blessed to see will have quality. So is it wrong knowing what you know to have higher health expectations for yourself and the one you want to be with?

For you that say as long as they don't bother me and my goals what does it matter? Yeah I get you love your partner etc etc but if you totally understand how valuable having a healthy way of life is....we did things in our teens we wouldn't dare do now. One day you have to realize it is not just about you....other wise you would still experiment with drugs, alcohol, unprotected sex, so on and what not....How many of you would puposedly marry an alcoholic or a person who abused drug, a person that was sexually immoral.....most of you would frown upon those acts. What's the difference?

myth4ever

Not magazine models??! But that's why I joined in the first place ..... :laugh:

me too, but there are a few people that aren't like us!!!! LOL

Chameleone

If you like this person and you think you are self motivated enough to continue doing you, I'd say go for it.

But If you think being around someone like that is gonna deter you from your goals then walk away.

myth4ever

I think MANY couples don't agree on exercise and food.

Is she obese? Unhealthy? Or just not an exerciser?

Overweight yes....not obese....told me she take pills to control her weight or to lose. Not an excersiser says she hates the thought of it!!!

cmriverside

I get that we are all diiferent.....I actually embrace it!!! I been called everything under the sun because of the way I live. But when someone doesn't take an interest in making sure they are going to be around for the long haul by taking care of themselves in the simpliest form...... How can you grow as one?

Tomorrow isn't promised by any means but I don't understand Russion Roulette as a game any one would enjoy playing. But when you look at the big picture the choices you make early have an impact on your life later, so I do what I do know so that my tomorrow if I am blessed to see will have quality. So is it wrong knowing what you know to have higher health expectations for yourself and the one you want to be with?

For you that say as long as they don't bother me and my goals what does it matter? Yeah I get you love your partner etc etc but if you totally understand how valuable having a healthy way of life is....we did things in our teens we wouldn't dare do now. One day you have to realize it is not just about you....other wise you would still experiment with drugs, alcohol, unprotected sex, so on and what not....How many of you would puposedly marry an alcoholic or a person who abused drug, a person that was sexually immoral.....most of you would frown upon those acts. What's the difference?

So, was this a hypothetical question? Because you've answered it perfectly right here.

No. Don't attach yourself to this person. Be honest with them about why you can't and move on.

Lesa_Sass

My suggestion would be to go read all the posts people put on here about their spouse being unsupported and how it makes them feel.

I was 32 before I got married and I dated many many different types of people. I am in a fantastic relationship now because we have similar lifestyle interests. Our vacations consist of going places we can do things like bike down a volcano in Hawaii, climb a mountain in Montana or kayaking or paddle boating in Jamaica. These are the things that keep us fit and together.

We take between a 2 and 5 mile walk together every day as well. This is time for just us, no computer, no cel phone and no tv. This is our time so there is no excuse for us to drift apart.

I know for a fact that a short term fix of being lonely is not near as good as long term love and appreciation. What happens if by chance you had kids? What would you forsee as a family life? Playing in the yard or on the xbox cause mommy is too lazy to get out and play.

I also think it is very important that we go into a relationship accepting the person for who and what they are, we can not think that we can change them, that is just plain wrong.

To each his own but I promise you that you will never regret being in a relationship with some who actually cares and you can do things with outside the bedroom

Lovelyladydawn

If you do not like her enough to look past that flaw of unhealthy living that's absolutely your choice. Now given fast food and cocaine are two totally different areas lol, it's still that person's choice. As for me, I can not date a smoker, I have tried to date one and it just didn't work. It became very unattractive to me and the smell annoyed me. Again, everyone has their preferences so it's really how you feel.

Lina4Lina

It depends on how important it is to you. My husband is pretty skinny and doesn't really care about intense exercise but he likes to keep active. When we started dating, I weighed double what he weighed but I have always had an interest in eating better and being active. We would hike together and later we started kayaking, biking, taking karate classes together, etc. He doesn't care about ever joining a gym or lifting heavy weights, that is fine with me.

I think though if I had married someone who didn't want to do outdoor activities, I would be a bit frustrated/sad. Same as if I married someone who didn't like to travel.

bohonomad

My boyfriend is anti-exercise too so I just exercise without him. I can get him to go hiking with my but that's about it. So long as he's not stopping me from exercising I don't care. He;s extremely supportive where he can be though, he looks up restaurant menus ahead of time to make sure I can make healthy choices, etc. and somehow manages not to get angry when I turn down a ton of places for being too unhealthy. If someone cares about you they will help you reach your goal and be supportive, maybe give it some time with your new girlfriend.