Dating/relationships conflict of interest.....

bulbadoof

It really depends on how much effort it takes you to keep up proper diet and exercise. If you do it without thinking then it probably won't be an issue unless you two decide you're in it for the long haul and you want her overall health to improve. If you battle cravings every day and really have to push yourself, it'll really get to you.

I guess my conclusion would be don't let it get in the way of casual dating and having fun in good company, but probably save getting serious for someone who is serious about the same things you are.

supergr33n

I haven't read all the other comments, so sorry if this is repeat.. but... if it bothers you now, it will always bother you, and maybe someday to the point of seeing it as the flaw that you can't live with, and leave her over it. Do her a favor and end it now (if it bothers you, that is) because it will hurt waaaaay more if you do it later and you've both invested time into the relationship.

I'm going through something similar, right now. My SO and I (of 10 years) are both fat. I've lost 50+ lbs, and am on track to being thin and fit. He's not. At all. I've tried motivating him to get healthier, but nothing has worked- he'll (hopefully) do it when he's ready for it, i'm sure, but in the meantime, it really bothers me that he's okay with being sedentary and obese. I want to live life, and MOVE (I want to try rock climbing, wind surfing, etc ). Hell, I signed us up for Warrior Dash in February (he said he wanted to), and have trained my *kitten* off for months so that I can be fit for it, and he hasn't. I'm stuck between standing by his side waiting for him to catch up, or leaving him in the dust while I push myself to the limit to see what I can accomplish. It's really complicated, and sucks.

MyOwnSunshine

While I don't think she is a bad person for not sharing the same health-related goals and values, I do think you would be setting yourself up for a relationship filled with conflict. She may eventually tire of you spending so much time at the gym, or she may begin to feel judged for her lack of fitness, even if you are open and accepting of her choices. You may begin to feel sabotaged if she brings unhealthy food into the house or asks you to skip workouts to do other things.

I think your analogy was correct. It would be like an alcoholic who is dedicated to the AA lifestyle and abstinence moving in with someone who is a heavy drinker. Even if the former alcoholic has their sobriety firmly under control and is strong in their choices, being with someone who hasn't evolved to that point would prove problematic to the maintenance of thier sobriety.

I think you COULD make it work, but wouldn't it be better to wish her well and move on. There are a lot of women out there who share your comittment to health and fitness and you would probably be much happier if you were with one of them.

SLaw4215

Since fitness and being healthy appear to be somewhat of a passion for you, I do believe that being polar opposites in that department would create a giant wedge between the two of you sooner or later. We live in a world where we all try to be the alpha dog so you'd either be trying to get her to cook lean, go for a walk, or better yet...go to the gym. She'd be trying to get you to "live a little" and eat a handful of Doritos or take her out for Chinese Food. You'd be on your best behavior in the beginning but then old habits will creep up and you'll be in conflict.

One question you might ask yourself is..."is she the person you want teaching your future children about how to live a healthy lifestyle?" I am all for finding a happy-medium but FOOD is something you HAVE to deal with every single day

mjf0461

I personally don't think it will work for you. I've been in a relationship with someone going on 7 mths and at first he supported me and worked with me on my program. But he's gotten tired of me exercising and dieting. And gets huffy at somethings when I say something. He just doesn't understand, and it's causing some issues more and more each day. I think you have to have some kind of understanding and agree in things for a relationship to be a good one. Not 100% everything but general life style yes. Good Luck..

Martin0524

I would not look at this in the terms of a drug addict. But I agree with someone else that posted; if she doesn't do anything to ruin your diet or try to change you from being a gym rat.. then give it a chance.

My husband doens't work out as much as i do, but he also supports me when I do and even though he doesn't watch what he eats he makes sure that i'm sticking to my goals.

MzBug

It depends on the people. Activity level opinions vary. When I met my guy he was active with tennis and golf on the weekends, and on his job he would be on his feet and moving for at least 4 - 6 hours. He had the typical bachelors diet...deli sandwiches, fast food, restaurant stuff, etc. He described himself as moderatly active.

I described myself as lazy. However, I had a very active job. I was on my feet and moving (lifting, stocking shelves, and cleaning) for 10 to 16 hours a day, 6 - 7 days a week. On my days off (every other weekend when possible) I did as little as possible after I did the routine chores around the house. While working I rarely took a break and would take things to work that I could eat on the run...apples, cheese sticks, nuts, etc. I would cook and eat a simple meal when I got home.

Once we moved in together and he saw how much I worked and how active I was, he said that I exhausted him just watching me. Even after I got laid off and was unemployed I didn't sit down much. I am always finding SOMETHING to do, I just can't sit for hours at a time. I cook all the meals and make sure he has what HE wants to take to work for lunch. He has actually gained about 15 pounds over the last 5 years, but he is still within a healthy weight for his age and height. He used to have bad issues with his cholestrol.... now they are normal. I never asked him to change his habits, I never nagged him about changing in any way, but change he did. Now he cringes at the thought of fast food. People can change.

cynthiaj777

I would not be interested in dating (and if I'm actually dating someone that is because I care about the person and see myself being with him) a man who didn't enjoy the same activities as me and didn't eat carefully like I do.

Easy as that. I enjoy biking, running, hiking, swimming, etc. If he doesn't, well...we won't be doing much together. And that won't be a lasting relationship.

manderson27

I agree that in your case with fitness being such a huge part of your life that someone who doesn't participate in the lifestyle may not be a suitable match for you.

My husband has put up with my bad habits for 20 years. He has always tried to eat well, excercise and generally take care of himself.

He has put up with my yo yo dieting, my lack of interest in anything vaguely excercise related and my smoking. He knew what I was like when we first met and made his choice then that there was more to me than my lousy lifestyle choices.(I have only changed to a more healthy lifestyle in the last two years)

The irony is that he is the one with high blood pressure and high cholesterol while my levels are fine.:ohwell:

RunsOnEspresso

My SO works completely different schedule than me so when he works until 7 or 9, I have plenty of time for my gym time. Since he works late, I usually do the cooking. He doesn't go out of his way to eat healthy but if we buy good foods, he eats them. He pretty much consumes anything put in front of him. We go shopping together and I make sure I get all my healthy choices and ignore his unhealthy foods (like the ice cream he buys but that is easy since I am not a big fan of ice cream).

There are times where he gives me a look or says something and I just look at him and say, "You aren't being very supportive" and he stops. He really is trying to support me. He knows how much this means to me. And if I get down on myself (like when something doesn't fit) he always tells me that I am working on it and I will get there. And when it's not 115 degrees out every day, I can get him to go on a walk with the dogs. Do I wish he'd take better care of himself? Yes, but I also know I can't force it.

Its ok for couples to have different interests and goals but if they aren't supportive or upfront with each other, it won't work out. It can be difficult if lifestyles are too different but you have to weigh the pros and cons. I am too much in love with my SO to end it over the fact that he doesn't want to work out. Does it suck when we go out to eat and I have to be careful about what I eat? Yes, but I get to spend time with my man so I suck it up and make it work. I'd rather spend time with him then sit at home and eat a salad alone.

ltkasmala

I think fitness is like any other component of a relationship (though I've been single my whole life, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt... ), but even if in the beginning it doesn't pose a problem, there will come a point where the other half thinks you make it a priority over them.

I was in that position in college; boyfriend was a bodybuilder--hard core at that--and while I did some exercise nothing like him. Eventually it got to where we couldn't do anything without "his schedule" coming into play and I finally told him I felt neglected and left.

While I do not claim to be this intense of a fitness person, I do try to exercise 5-6 times a week for at least 30 minutes (some days longer when I can). I have health issues I am trying to keep at bay and now understand the importance of a regular routine.

Maybe if you could get her interested at least in taking some nice long walks with you, so you can exercise and still talk and interact, that could be a good start. Anyone can walk, even if they can't or won't do other forms of exercise!

If her lack of interest starts to bother you or your zeal for workouts starts to bother her, however, I'd seriously sit down and talk. I don't think it will get better after that if you don't.

Hope this helps some!

Sabine_Stroehm

I think MANY couples don't agree on exercise and food.

Is she obese? Unhealthy? Or just not an exerciser?

Overweight yes....not obese....told me she take pills to control her weight or to lose. Not an excersiser says she hates the thought of it!!!

Ahh the pills as weight loss would be a tough one for me. I could easily live with someone who was of healthy weight but didn't like to exercise, however, as long as they didn't object to me doing it.

nursedb

No WAY! I need a supportive partner who is at least a bit interested in making healthy choices and working out. On the weekends if you wanna get a little crazy and have a few and eat some cheeseburgers no problem...but 75% of the time I need some type of healthy commitment. I don't wanna invest all my love,time and energy into someone who's gonna drop dead on me and leave me alone all healthy and old...lol

Italiano7

Now you have to ask yourself-does she treat you right? If she does then she maybe a keeper. A good woman is hard to find (and a good man) nowadays. You may not have the same interests but opposites do attract. ask her to go to the gym with you 1 time and see what she says. Maybe if she sees how motivated you are it will rub off on her. Dont walk away just for that alone she may come around...

Matt_Wild

IMO it won't work. Recently dated someone who keeps fit but not nearly like me. She soon started calling me vein and self obsessed when she wanted me to start cutting down on the number of times I went to the gym and how I ate... within a few weeks of us meeting.

Someone who is a long term SO I could understand because time together is important and if one half of the coin feels left out but for someone you're just getting to know calling the shots, nah not me, not so soon.

Find someone who finds similar interests.

TheArmadillo

my husband has never been overweight (has mostly been underweight) has had a terrible diet (though improving) and doesn't see the point of working out.

We've been together 12 years and happy with it. However he is very supportive. Also although he has his 'breakfast of champions' as he has labelled it (cola and on a good day a pain au chocolat as well and believe me that's progress) his lunches are getting better, and he eats whatever I cook in the evening, and I cook healthy most the time.

He may not exercise but he does walk everywhere (we don't have a car) and he does work in the garden including chopping stuff down and other heavy stuff. But he won't do exercise for the sake of doing exercise IYSWIM.

Its the supportiveness (if that's even a word) that makes the difference, and although he can be quite lazy he does do what needs to be done. I have to admit though if he didn't walk and didn't eat meals with me and the kids I would probably find it more irritating/harder.

cardsfanlv

Hopefully your lifestyle and results will be an inspiration to her and will get her to turn her health around for the better! Main thing though, is to be supportive of one another. I don't know where I'd be today without my wife.

Sarah_Wins

From now on, this is my life. Maintaining a level of fitness, mindful of everything I eat, taking care of myself in all ways is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I would not even consider adding a life partner that couldn't or wouldn't support that with their own actions.

magj0y

I think you deep down know the right answer. However, the right decision is usually the hardest.

Move on before you get more involved. I don't see how this can end well, or continue with out self-sabotage.

aegisprncs

I've been married 17 years and I am on this site for me and doing this for me. My husband in no way is on the same path, but he will eat healthy if I am cooking. He is very supportive to say the least. This is about you and not her. Period. Why hold someone else to your standards? Let go of the control and let her live as she wishes. I am in no way trying to be mean, everyone just has their own path. Find someone you connect with on an emotional level and who is supportive and work at that. Who knows, maybe one day you find someone who is all about fitness and you fall off the wagon and then what? Do you want that person to just drop you or and not support you? If you really like this woman, talk to her and give her a chance to support you. If you don't like her much then the writing is on the wall.

phatnotfat81

If it were me, i'd say don't waste your time...i'm in a similar situation..except i decided to get healthy and he still hasn't (years later)..in fact he has gained a lot of weight and a whole lot more bad habits....now since i've gotten healthy and fine, lol...there's the jealousy issue...i can go on and on, but you get my drift....get you someone who's gonna support you and care about themselves as well.

aproc

No, I wouldn't since I'm in the gym almost everyday and fitness/health is a very important part of my life. I want to be with somebody who is going to take care of themselves as well.

aegisprncs

It depends how 'against' your lifestyle the person is - I'm a keen runner and I hit the gym a few times a week. I also (try to) dodge greasy food as it often disagrees with me. My other half is less keen on the gym and likes fine foods but he still supports my health kicks e.g. by using cooking sprays/low fat creme fraiche/extra veggies when he does the cooking.

Someone doesn't have to have exactly the same interests as you, as long as they're supportive and they understand why it's important to you...I couldn't care less about Formula 1, but it keeps him happy!

This!!!

Yrla

Well, if fitness and healthy living are things that you define yourself by, then perhaps getting together with someone who is not at all interested in those things might pose a problem. But I really think it depends, mostly on what else you have in common and what you like about each other.

My partner and I are polar opposites when it comes to food, nutrition, health, and fitness. He has zero interest in any of those things (including food - he only really eats because he has to, and mostly things out of a packet), whereas they are very important to me. But he is a kind person and will humour me to an extent and listen to me talk about a new type of workout, or come with me to the whole foods market, just like I will discuss the ins and outs of the English football premier league with him (luckily I really like watching football as i used to play myself,but have absolutely no interest in talking about it!).

At the end of the day, we have a lot of things in common, especially the things that really matter to both of us, such as basic values and political views, and we are in the same line of work. I can't lie though, I do wish he had a bit of an interest in health and fitness as it's a big part of my life, but the fact that we differ so much in this regard is certainly no impediment to our happiness - because we are compatible on lots of other ways. So I guess that's what it comes down to really. Do you have other things in common with this person? And, most importantly, can you respect her choice to live her life as she wants to and would you be prepared to accept her exactly how she is without trying to change her? If the answer to these questions are no, then I'd say move on.

aegisprncs

Another thing to think about is that all of us age if we are lucky. And with that comes all type of health issues, etc. There may be a day when you can't be active. Do you want someone who is caught up in only that or do you want a supportive other half no matter what life brings?

myth4ever

Another thing to think about is that all of us age if we are lucky. And with that comes all type of health issues, etc. There may be a day when you can't be active. Do you want someone who is caught up in only that or do you want a supportive other half no matter what life brings?

But being active today gives you a chance at a better tomorrow.....being inactive now promises you what? That's the deal when you couldn't care less about taking care of your body and health. Who wants to be a caretaker for a loved one at 50or so? Because they refused to make different choices at 25-30?

LadyIvysMom

I think you would be wrong. As long as she isn't sabotaging you and your goals, why does it matter?

I agree with this. My husband eats like 4000 calories a day and excercises once a week for like an hour. Total opposite of me. We never fight. About anything. We just accept that we have different goals in that regard.

Lesa_Sass

Another thing to think about is that all of us age if we are lucky. And with that comes all type of health issues, etc. There may be a day when you can't be active. Do you want someone who is caught up in only that or do you want a supportive other half no matter what life brings?

But being active today gives you a chance at a better tomorrow.....being inactive now promises you what? That's the deal when you couldn't care less about taking care of your body and health. Who wants to be a caretaker for a loved one at 50or so? Because they refused to make different choices at 25-30?

DUUUUDDDEE, you know what you gotta do, just do it . The longer you wait the harder and messier it will be. And be up front and honest about why you are moving on. None of this, its not you its me crap. We do not learn from our past relationships to grow unless we understand the lesson of that relationship.

I also wanted to add, I am a recovering alcoholic, coming up on 5 years into the program and of the dozens of people that I see get into a relationship with a heavy drinker, thinking they would get them in AA, 99% of them that stayed in the relationship ended up drinking................just sayin.................

You can do better. I know I am glad I did not settle for anything less than exactly what is perfect for me. Health and fitness is one of the most important things in the world. To all these people trying to shame you, shame on them. The only thing that this relationship is going to lead to is a big, fat, resentment.