Losing my feelings for my boyfriend
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Life's too short, you are young! Let him down gently and move on - you have a lot of living to do before you settle down.
This, except the last part. I've been friends with my husband since I was 15 and we've been together since the day before I turned 19. I'm 25 now and we're married with two kids, yeah I missed out on 'living' but I wouldn't change it
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I don't know about your own value system, but for fun ask him if he's ok with an open relationship. Be sure to provide the details of his reaction in a post.0
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This has been eating at me for a while and I really just need to get it all out. It's long, so I don't blame you for not reading.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. When we started dating it was like something you'd see in the movies. I really thought it was love at first sight. I really enjoyed his company, we have a great time together, and my friends and family love him. After being together for 9 months we moved in together. I wouldn't say I was super ecstatic about moving in because we had only been together for 9 months, but my lease was up at my apartment and I didn't want to live in that city anymore, and I literally stayed at my boyfriend's apartment 5-7 days/nights a week, anyway, so why pay $300 for storage at my apartment. I did it because it was logical, not necessarily because I wanted to.
Well here we are, 3 months later, and I don't even think I want to be with him anymore. I could just kick myself for moving in with him. Living with him now is no different than before I moved in because, like I said, I basicaly lived here anyway. However, I don't have the opportunity to just pack my bag and leave--I'd have to move all my crap out.
I'm so torn because my boyfriend loves me SO much. He is SO wonderful to me. He would do anything for me, he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I also do have a lot of fun with him when it's just me and him. But, there's just something missing. I wouldn't say I'm SUPER unhappy, but I definitely feel like something is missing--or like I'm settling. There are certain things about him that just BUG me so much. If I had to list the top 5-10 qualities that are most important to me in a partner, I don't know if he'd even have half--or maybe just about half. I feel guilty. I am lucky enough to have a guy who treats me like gold and it's not good enough. The funny thing is I broke up with my ex of 2 years about 4 months before I met my current boyfriend (making me now feel like he might've been a rebound) because he DIDN'T show me the attention and affection my boyfriend shows me now, but now I feel like my current boyfriend shows me too much. I'm not trying to sound conceited, but sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is obsessed with me.
I've brought up the idea of us maybe breaking up about 2 times in the last 3 months and each time he completely freaks out. He hyperventilates, cries uncontrollably, begs me not to leave, talks about what a "loser" he is for not being able to keep me, and one time he even told me he'd "blow his brains out" if I ever left him. I really don't want to hurt him. He's a wonderful person and he treats me like gold, I just cannot help how I feel. He's even said this to me when I've brought up breaking up--"Don't I treat you well?"--this is what he always says to me. And he's right. Am I just a selfish *****?
if the feelings are gone, move on. you cant keep him in limbo while you twiddle your thumbs. he can be amazimg but if you lack chemistry it just wont work. also, RED FLAG if he threatens suicide or loses his sh** over the idea of you leaving. thats kind of creepy and could be a symptom of a much bigger problem. find somewhere to go and get someone to help you move so it goes by quickly.0 -
Dude, your BF has issues. Crying and saying he'll blow his brains out after only a year of dating is pretty intense, I think you might be in a bit of trouble. I watch this show "I Survived" and ive seen episodes where the dude acts like that and bad *kitten* ends up happening. You need to end it now, before it gets worse/weirder. For real.
This.
When people do that its very controlling and abusive behavior. I'd get out now before he actually does something crazy when you try to leave him after two years.0 -
thats emotional abuse honey. leave and lets just see what happens.0
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You are not doing either of you a favor by staying. Make your feelings known and move on. If its meant to be you will be back.0
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I feel bad for both of you. I hope you don't resent him or think he's disgusting by his crying and all. The poor thing probably has very deep abandonment issues. He's got an insecure attachment which is why he seems obsessed.
There's nothing you can do to ease his pain. I know people in this thread said his threat to kill himself was manipulative (and it could be), but it could also very well be true. Speaking from experience, when one has an insecure, unstable attachment, suicide does seem like a possible way out of having to deal with deep-seated abandonment. Don't hate him for it. He can't control how he feels.
It's best for you though, if you leave. You aren't happy, so it's not fair to either of you to stick around. I'm sorry that you're in such a bind, OP. Best of luck to you.0 -
I feel like my boyfriend is obsessed with me.
I've brought up the idea of us maybe breaking up about 2 times in the last 3 months and each time he completely freaks out. He hyperventilates, cries uncontrollably, begs me not to leave, talks about what a "loser" he is for not being able to keep me, and one time he even told me he'd "blow his brains out" if I ever left him. I really don't want to hurt him. He's a wonderful person and he treats me like gold, I just cannot help how I feel. He's even said this to me when I've brought up breaking up--"Don't I treat you well?"--this is what he always says to me. And he's right. Am I just a selfish *****?
This is not an example of a man who treats you like gold. This is an example of a man that is extremely insecure and afraid to be alone. This screams dangerous. If you do break up, this is going to be one of those break ups where you have to change your phone number and completely cut off contact.0 -
I'm surprised you've been with him this long if he doesn't even have half of the qualities that are important to you.0
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Realistically speaking - love isn't a feeling; it's a decision - you either choose to love someone or not to love someone...people don't fall in & out of love they just change their minds on the decision they first made.0
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You're not being selfish. I was in that situation when I was 21, except I was ENGAGED :noway: It started out great and all, just like you described, but then he just got more and more clingy and dependent on me. I had to make ALL the decisions (where to eat, what to do, who to hang out with, etc.) because every time I asked him 'what should we do today?' his reply was always 'whatever makes you happy honey'. And maybe that's a dream situation for some girls, but personally, I like dating a MAN that has balls and can make an f-ing decision on his own. It got to the point where I felt like I was in a relationship with an abandoned puppy or just babysitting this guy instead of being his fiance.
So when I couldn't take it anymore, I ended it. I probably shouldn't have let it go on for as long as I did, but I was like you and I felt horribly guilty for crushing the heart of someone who loved me so much. But it needed to be done. And trust me, you will feel like the biggest *kitten* ever; but eventually you'll realize you made the right decision
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Yes. You're selfish. I highly doubt that in the last 3 months you magically realized he wouldn't have half of the top 5-10 qualities you're looking for, so you're a jerk for moving in with him to begin with.0
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Yes. You're selfish. I highly doubt that in the last 3 months you magically realized he wouldn't have half of the top 5-10 qualities you're looking for, so you're a jerk for moving in with him to begin with.
Yes, that's when I realized it. The first 6 months I was in the honeymoon stage.0 -
Yes. You're selfish. I highly doubt that in the last 3 months you magically realized he wouldn't have half of the top 5-10 qualities you're looking for, so you're a jerk for moving in with him to begin with.
Yes, that's when I realized it. The first 6 months I was in the honeymoon stage.
I thought the "honeymoon stage" was supposed to last a year. Don't feel bad though, a lot of people settle into bad relationships cause they don't like to be alone. Just walk away now that you realized it.0 -
Ugh. He threatened suicide if you left? That is not cool. He needs help, professional help. Free him and urge him to seek the help he needs.0
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Ashleymaddison.com0
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Dude, your BF has issues. Crying and saying he'll blow his brains out after only a year of dating is pretty intense, I think you might be in a bit of trouble. I watch this show "I Survived" and ive seen episodes where the dude acts like that and bad *kitten* ends up happening. You need to end it now, before it gets worse/weirder. For real.
^^^^^^Good advice. When I was young, I had a boyfriend like this. I left him, and he slit his wrists (superficial cuts, but enough to send him to a mental ward). I was stupid, young and naive. I went back to him so that he wouldn't hurt himself. But I couldn't stand it. Didn't love him, wanted out of it, just wanted to get the hell away from him. So I told him it was over. For good. He cut his wrists again, this time leaving a trail of blood drops thru his parent's kitchen and leading to his bedroom door (ya know, so somebody would discover it. Duh). His dad found it and told him "Get your *kitten* out here and clean this up before your mother gets home!" I didn't go back to him when I heard what had happened. And that seemed to freak him out. He began following me whenever he saw me (small town). Hang-up phone calls. Air let out of my tires. Showing up at places where I was. Just creepy stuff. One day he even tried to run me off the road, and he almost hit a couple who were pushing their baby in a stroller. I finally joined the military to get me the hell away from him. I hope your guy doesn't get all weird like this. You never know. You want out of the relationship...get out. Do what you have to do, say what you have to say. And then mean it. However he chooses to handle it, well...that's up to him. Good luck.0 -
You are young and have only been together a short time. Don't become me at 34, having been in the relationship for 6 years..and feeling this way for the past 2.
I love my boyfriend/fiance.. but I know now something is missing and that this just isn't enough anymore. He treats me wonderfully.. and I love him.. like a best friend or a brother..but if I am totally honest.. that's it.
I know how the finances (for me -owning property together) and life issues make you scared to make change.. because that is exactly where I am.
But we both need to ask ourselves if we are truly happy.. and if you can't say yes with 100% confidence.. then like me.. you need to get up the courage to end things.. no matter how much you don't want to hurt him or yourself.
Good luck!0 -
magj0y,
Thank you, and you are completely correct. I can't just pack up and leave right now. I have to find a place to live first and do a lot of moving around. Not to mention I don't have a truck to move all my stuff and I just spent a lot of money moving all my stuff into this place (thanks uhaul, lol). I'm a broke college student, so funds are a huge issue for me. Him threatenng to kill himself isn't the big reason I'm staying, I told him immediately after that he shouldn't try to guilt someone into loving him and he retracted his statement. I'm staying because I can't ever come up with a good reason I'm leaving when he says to me "don't I treat you well". He's right, he does, but he doesn't understand when I tell him something's missing because I don't even know what's missing. I care for him a lot and he's a bit unstable. His mom died when he was young and then his grandma raised him and she died when he was 20. He throws that in my face a lot and tells me that I'm "going to leave him just like his mom and grandma did". It's just a hard situation. I know I'm "stringing" him along, but it's not with bad intentions. I really was hoping I could work things out but I'm starting to realize that I don't think I can. I just don't have the time/money/house to pack up all my **** and move to this second. I have to develop a plan. This all really sucks. I'm a stressed beyond all belief. I'm inbetween a rock and hard place.
Yes, it is unrealistic to expect yourself to just up an move in some situations. Just put your money aside best you can. It sounds like he has serious abandonment issues, and rightfully so. However, guilting people into staying in a relationship isn't healthy.
I encourage you to talk to someone in your family, preferably one who will understand and empathize. Not someone who spews the "Oh, you just have to TRY HARDER" Yes, relationships are tough and need to be constantly worked on, but not with someone who has such issues and is manipulative.
You go to college, in the guidance office, there are typically people there to guide you through a crises. While you may not find your's critical, they can help you with resources on how to cope and get through this thing relatively unscathed. It might help him if you slowly withdraw, but definitely don't make him feel everything is peachy.
Good luck and if he gets violent, please take care of yourself and get out0 -
I've brought up the idea of us maybe breaking up about 2 times in the last 3 months and each time he completely freaks out. He hyperventilates, cries uncontrollably, begs me not to leave, talks about what a "loser" he is for not being able to keep me, and one time he even told me he'd "blow his brains out" if I ever left him. I really don't want to hurt him. He's a wonderful person and he treats me like gold, I just cannot help how I feel. He's even said this to me when I've brought up breaking up--"Don't I treat you well?"--this is what he always says to me. And he's right. Am I just a selfish *****?
This concerns me the most it's a form of emotional blackmail. While your situation sucks it sounds like you've already checked out and now it's time to move out.0 -
Remember that this was your (awful) experience.
You may also need to seek some counseling for that.
Not saying that in any kind of mean way.
**fellow domestic violence abuse-survivor**
Yes, I know this is my experience. Everyone's experience is different, and this is my point. people like this are disturbed and highly unpredictable at times. And people don't always know what to (properly) do when in this type of relationship that they want out of.
As for counseling, this was 20 years ago, I'm perfectly fine.0 -
Since the two of you are together for only a year & you recently moved in with him so I think you're still on the adjustment stage. Ask for some space to spend sometime with yourself. Now if it still doesn't work out despite of that then its time to move out. Better tell your SO the truth than him discovering it by himself.0
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Run. Walk. Do the hokey pokey. However you go, just go.0
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He's a nice guy and sounds like he treats you like gold which is why you probably fell for him. Unfortunately that is not enough. If you hate the little things about someone then it will never work. The girl I am currently dating definitely hates the little things about me so I don't see it going on much longer. I actually really like the little things about her which kind of sucks but oh well.
His reaction to you wanting out is a HUGE red flag and that reaction alone is worth leaving. Amazing how much you learn about someone when you decide to break up with that said person.0 -
Hyperventilating, crying uncontrollably and threatening to blow his brains out?!?! :noway: That is some disturbing stuff. And as someone else mentioned on here, it's emotional blackmail. Tell him it's over as gently as possible (based on his past history he will not take it well, be prepared for the histrionics, steel yourself against it) , have a plan in place already (new residence or a friend to movie in with). It's also a good idea to tell a trustworthy friend of your intentions on the day you plan to tell him. Best wishes:flowerforyou:0
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Didn't read the OP.
Just break up.0 -
If you leave don't come back if you find the grass isn't greener.0
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my advice, don't look for answers here, only you will know the right thing to do for you.0
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This content has been removed.
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OP was from August of last year and was only bumped today by the spammer a few posts up.
Also, just break up.0
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