Losing my feelings for my boyfriend
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You're actually being selfish by staying with him, knowing you don't really love him in **that** way.
You can love someone plutonically - deeply. I'd never want to hurt my brother in any way, and it would devestate me to know that I had caused him any pain...
Doesn't mean I should marry him.
She did try to separate with him a few times. He threatened to kill himself.
People that threaten to kill themselves rarely succeed. My ex tried. Failed. And when I showed up at the hospital to confront him about it (don't do that.) he was convinced that I came because I cared about him. Took a phone call from a police officer to get rid of him. Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by the actions of others. What he chooses to do is not your problem.0 -
You're actually being selfish by staying with him, knowing you don't really love him in **that** way.
You can love someone plutonically - deeply. I'd never want to hurt my brother in any way, and it would devestate me to know that I had caused him any pain...
Doesn't mean I should marry him.
She did try to separate with him a few times. He threatened to kill himself.
That happened to me, too, with an exboyfriend of mine. He didn't do it. If she's really concerned and thinks he's sincere, she can call someone to stay with him until the danger is passed, or have him admitted to the psychiatric ward.
I know I sound like a heartless b****, but honestly, that's what's best for both of them.
The situation they're in is not sustainable. She will eventually have to leave. And he'll have to get over it.0 -
You're actually being selfish by staying with him, knowing you don't really love him in **that** way.
You can love someone plutonically - deeply. I'd never want to hurt my brother in any way, and it would devestate me to know that I had caused him any pain...
Doesn't mean I should marry him.
She did try to separate with him a few times. He threatened to kill himself.
People that threaten to kill themselves rarely succeed. My ex tried. Failed. And when I showed up at the hospital to confront him about it (don't do that.) he was convinced that I came because I cared about him. Took a phone call from a police officer to get rid of him. Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by the actions of others. What he chooses to do is not your problem.
also this ^^^^
She has choices to make. He has choices to make. If he makes an unhealthy decision for himself because of a healthy decision she made for herself, that isn't in any way a responsibility of hers.
Although I can understand that the weight of such a circumstance would make it more difficult... and certainly should be handled gingerly and cautiously.0 -
You're actually being selfish by staying with him, knowing you don't really love him in **that** way.
You can love someone plutonically - deeply. I'd never want to hurt my brother in any way, and it would devestate me to know that I had caused him any pain...
Doesn't mean I should marry him.
She did try to separate with him a few times. He threatened to kill himself.
People that threaten to kill themselves rarely succeed. My ex tried. Failed. And when I showed up at the hospital to confront him about it (don't do that.) he was convinced that I came because I cared about him. Took a phone call from a police officer to get rid of him. Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by the actions of others. What he chooses to do is not your problem.
also this ^^^^
She has choices to make. He has choices to make. If he makes an unhealthy decision for himself because of a healthy decision she made for herself, that isn't in any way a responsibility of hers.
Although I can understand that the weight of such a circumstance would make it more difficult... and certainly should be handled gingerly and cautiously.
I'm sure she will get out. It's been 3 months. Not exactly easy to come up with a back up plan when you're confused and unsure of what to do and have to find a new place to live. some people aren't able to just remove themselves from a relationship as others. 3 months isn't a long time, she's just not sure what to do. hopefully she'll listen to the advice and figure out how to safely removed herself from the situation. Some people who first threaten to kill them self can escalate to violence, hence my suggestion to just move, and get certain items out of the house sooner rather than when moving.
I once had to leave a bad relationship. He let me leave with the clothes on my back (but not shoes) a bottle and ONE diaper. Not that he had any use for the 3 unopened bags, or the unopened cans of formula. Like he was going to wear my shoes or clothes?
I had made previous arrangements so I could safely leave.
When I went back to get my stuff, I was able to get some of my clothes and most of my daughter's clothes. My tv? Nope. My full set of china? Nope, they were all sitting in gross dishwater. The book case? Nope. The bed? nope. All of which *I* paid for.
I left with the china smashed on the floor, the tv was knocked over and I threw the shelves of the bookcase on his bare feet.
I did leave the bed alone, though.
If I wasn't getting what was rightfully mine? neither was he.
Most importantly though,
I got myself SAFELY out. along with my daughter. Just up and leaving while he is home, with out talking to friends/ parents first can make things so much harder.
Someone who is crazy enough to theaten suicide can not be trusted to not turn violent.0 -
You're actually being selfish by staying with him, knowing you don't really love him in **that** way.
You can love someone plutonically - deeply. I'd never want to hurt my brother in any way, and it would devestate me to know that I had caused him any pain...
Doesn't mean I should marry him.
She did try to separate with him a few times. He threatened to kill himself.
People that threaten to kill themselves rarely succeed. My ex tried. Failed. And when I showed up at the hospital to confront him about it (don't do that.) he was convinced that I came because I cared about him. Took a phone call from a police officer to get rid of him. Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by the actions of others. What he chooses to do is not your problem.
also this ^^^^
She has choices to make. He has choices to make. If he makes an unhealthy decision for himself because of a healthy decision she made for herself, that isn't in any way a responsibility of hers.
Although I can understand that the weight of such a circumstance would make it more difficult... and certainly should be handled gingerly and cautiously.
I'm sure she will get out. It's been 3 months. Not exactly easy to come up with a back up plan when you're confused and unsure of what to do and have to find a new place to live. some people aren't able to just remove themselves from a relationship as others. 3 months isn't a long time, she's just not sure what to do. hopefully she'll listen to the advice and figure out how to safely removed herself from the situation. Some people who first threaten to kill them self can escalate to violence, hence my suggestion to just move, and get certain items out of the house sooner rather than when moving.
I once had to leave a bad relationship. He let me leave with the clothes on my back (but not shoes) a bottle and ONE diaper. Not that he had any use for the 3 unopened bags, or the unopened cans of formula. Like he was going to wear my shoes or clothes?
I had made previous arrangements so I could safely leave.
When I went back to get my stuff, I was able to get some of my clothes and most of my daughter's clothes. My tv? Nope. My full set of china? Nope, they were all sitting in gross dishwater. The book case? Nope. The bed? nope. All of which *I* paid for.
I left with the china smashed on the floor, the tv was knocked over and I threw the shelves of the bookcase on his bare feet.
I did leave the bed alone, though.
If I wasn't getting what was rightfully mine? neither was he.
Most importantly though,
I got myself SAFELY out. along with my daughter. Just up and leaving while he is home, with out talking to friends/ parents first can make things so much harder.
Someone who is crazy enough to theaten suicide can not be trusted to not turn violent.
Remember that this was your (awful) experience.
You may also need to seek some counseling for that.
Not saying that in any kind of mean way.
**fellow domestic violence abuse-survivor**0 -
magj0y,
Thank you, and you are completely correct. I can't just pack up and leave right now. I have to find a place to live first and do a lot of moving around. Not to mention I don't have a truck to move all my stuff and I just spent a lot of money moving all my stuff into this place (thanks uhaul, lol). I'm a broke college student, so funds are a huge issue for me. Him threatenng to kill himself isn't the big reason I'm staying, I told him immediately after that he shouldn't try to guilt someone into loving him and he retracted his statement. I'm staying because I can't ever come up with a good reason I'm leaving when he says to me "don't I treat you well". He's right, he does, but he doesn't understand when I tell him something's missing because I don't even know what's missing. I care for him a lot and he's a bit unstable. His mom died when he was young and then his grandma raised him and she died when he was 20. He throws that in my face a lot and tells me that I'm "going to leave him just like his mom and grandma did". It's just a hard situation. I know I'm "stringing" him along, but it's not with bad intentions. I really was hoping I could work things out but I'm starting to realize that I don't think I can. I just don't have the time/money/house to pack up all my **** and move to this second. I have to develop a plan. This all really sucks. I'm a stressed beyond all belief. I'm inbetween a rock and hard place.
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Don't live the rest of your life being unhappy...it's not fun!0
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I don't think you're selfish.. If the feelings aren't mutual, then there's not much you can do about it. You deserve to be happy and so does he. Maybe tell him how you REALLY feel (like you just did here) or you could just give the "it's not you, it's me" speech.. Either way, you should follow your heart. Don't be with someone who doesn't make you happy. It's not like you're married. Life is too short!
THIS!!
AND ALSO THIS!!!You can't stay with someone simply because he acts like he can't live without you... you'll just grow to resent him. You're not doing him any favors by staying if you don't really love him and if you know you can't be completely happy with him. Do him and you a favor and just end it. Be strong. And as hard as it must be to see him become emotional, he'll get over it.
AND THIS!Dude, your BF has issues. Crying and saying he'll blow his brains out after only a year of dating is pretty intense, I think you might be in a bit of trouble. I watch this show "I Survived" and ive seen episodes where the dude acts like that and bad *kitten* ends up happening. You need to end it now, before it gets worse/weirder. For real.
AND OF COURSE ALL OF THISYou're actually being selfish by staying with him, knowing you don't really love him in **that** way.
You can love someone plutonically - deeply. I'd never want to hurt my brother in any way, and it would devestate me to know that I had caused him any pain...
Doesn't mean I should marry him.
She did try to separate with him a few times. He threatened to kill himself.
People that threaten to kill themselves rarely succeed. My ex tried. Failed. And when I showed up at the hospital to confront him about it (don't do that.) he was convinced that I came because I cared about him. Took a phone call from a police officer to get rid of him. Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by the actions of others. What he chooses to do is not your problem.
also this ^^^^
She has choices to make. He has choices to make. If he makes an unhealthy decision for himself because of a healthy decision she made for herself, that isn't in any way a responsibility of hers.
Although I can understand that the weight of such a circumstance would make it more difficult... and certainly should be handled gingerly and cautiously.
I'm sure she will get out. It's been 3 months. Not exactly easy to come up with a back up plan when you're confused and unsure of what to do and have to find a new place to live. some people aren't able to just remove themselves from a relationship as others. 3 months isn't a long time, she's just not sure what to do. hopefully she'll listen to the advice and figure out how to safely removed herself from the situation. Some people who first threaten to kill them self can escalate to violence, hence my suggestion to just move, and get certain items out of the house sooner rather than when moving.
I once had to leave a bad relationship. He let me leave with the clothes on my back (but not shoes) a bottle and ONE diaper. Not that he had any use for the 3 unopened bags, or the unopened cans of formula. Like he was going to wear my shoes or clothes?
I had made previous arrangements so I could safely leave.
When I went back to get my stuff, I was able to get some of my clothes and most of my daughter's clothes. My tv? Nope. My full set of china? Nope, they were all sitting in gross dishwater. The book case? Nope. The bed? nope. All of which *I* paid for.
I left with the china smashed on the floor, the tv was knocked over and I threw the shelves of the bookcase on his bare feet.
I did leave the bed alone, though.
If I wasn't getting what was rightfully mine? neither was he.
Most importantly though,
I got myself SAFELY out. along with my daughter. Just up and leaving while he is home, with out talking to friends/ parents first can make things so much harder.
Someone who is crazy enough to theaten suicide can not be trusted to not turn violent.
Remember that this was your (awful) experience.
You may also need to seek some counseling for that.
Not saying that in any kind of mean way.
**fellow domestic violence abuse-survivor**
AND THIS TOOFeelings like yours don't get better...they get worse. Believe me, you won't wake up one day and suddenly feel so in love if you don't already feel it. If you're not into him, you're not into him and you don't have to beat yourself up about it. He shouldn't try to make you feel guilty. Do not stay out of guilt. Don't waste your time or his time. He could be the greatest guy in the world but if you don't think so, it doesn't matter. Try to break it to him as nicely as you can but then, don't worry about how he deals with it. I don't mean that to sound cold, I just mean don't be afraid to feel how you feel just because you don't want to hurt him. Both people in a relationship have to be happy. Good luck!0 -
I don't think you're selfish.. If the feelings aren't mutual, then there's not much you can do about it. You deserve to be happy and so does he. Maybe tell him how you REALLY feel (like you just did here) or you could just give the "it's not you, it's me" speech.. Either way, you should follow your heart. Don't be with someone who doesn't make you happy. It's not like you're married. Life is too short!
THIS!!
AND ALSO THIS!!!You can't stay with someone simply because he acts like he can't live without you... you'll just grow to resent him. You're not doing him any favors by staying if you don't really love him and if you know you can't be completely happy with him. Do him and you a favor and just end it. Be strong. And as hard as it must be to see him become emotional, he'll get over it.
AND THIS!Dude, your BF has issues. Crying and saying he'll blow his brains out after only a year of dating is pretty intense, I think you might be in a bit of trouble. I watch this show "I Survived" and ive seen episodes where the dude acts like that and bad *kitten* ends up happening. You need to end it now, before it gets worse/weirder. For real.
AND OF COURSE ALL OF THISYou're actually being selfish by staying with him, knowing you don't really love him in **that** way.
You can love someone plutonically - deeply. I'd never want to hurt my brother in any way, and it would devestate me to know that I had caused him any pain...
Doesn't mean I should marry him.
She did try to separate with him a few times. He threatened to kill himself.
People that threaten to kill themselves rarely succeed. My ex tried. Failed. And when I showed up at the hospital to confront him about it (don't do that.) he was convinced that I came because I cared about him. Took a phone call from a police officer to get rid of him. Don't allow yourself to be held hostage by the actions of others. What he chooses to do is not your problem.
also this ^^^^
She has choices to make. He has choices to make. If he makes an unhealthy decision for himself because of a healthy decision she made for herself, that isn't in any way a responsibility of hers.
Although I can understand that the weight of such a circumstance would make it more difficult... and certainly should be handled gingerly and cautiously.
I'm sure she will get out. It's been 3 months. Not exactly easy to come up with a back up plan when you're confused and unsure of what to do and have to find a new place to live. some people aren't able to just remove themselves from a relationship as others. 3 months isn't a long time, she's just not sure what to do. hopefully she'll listen to the advice and figure out how to safely removed herself from the situation. Some people who first threaten to kill them self can escalate to violence, hence my suggestion to just move, and get certain items out of the house sooner rather than when moving.
I once had to leave a bad relationship. He let me leave with the clothes on my back (but not shoes) a bottle and ONE diaper. Not that he had any use for the 3 unopened bags, or the unopened cans of formula. Like he was going to wear my shoes or clothes?
I had made previous arrangements so I could safely leave.
When I went back to get my stuff, I was able to get some of my clothes and most of my daughter's clothes. My tv? Nope. My full set of china? Nope, they were all sitting in gross dishwater. The book case? Nope. The bed? nope. All of which *I* paid for.
I left with the china smashed on the floor, the tv was knocked over and I threw the shelves of the bookcase on his bare feet.
I did leave the bed alone, though.
If I wasn't getting what was rightfully mine? neither was he.
Most importantly though,
I got myself SAFELY out. along with my daughter. Just up and leaving while he is home, with out talking to friends/ parents first can make things so much harder.
Someone who is crazy enough to theaten suicide can not be trusted to not turn violent.
Remember that this was your (awful) experience.
You may also need to seek some counseling for that.
Not saying that in any kind of mean way.
**fellow domestic violence abuse-survivor**
AND THIS TOOFeelings like yours don't get better...they get worse. Believe me, you won't wake up one day and suddenly feel so in love if you don't already feel it. If you're not into him, you're not into him and you don't have to beat yourself up about it. He shouldn't try to make you feel guilty. Do not stay out of guilt. Don't waste your time or his time. He could be the greatest guy in the world but if you don't think so, it doesn't matter. Try to break it to him as nicely as you can but then, don't worry about how he deals with it. I don't mean that to sound cold, I just mean don't be afraid to feel how you feel just because you don't want to hurt him. Both people in a relationship have to be happy. Good luck!
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That last paragraph you wrote reminds me of my ex SOOO much. That's why I stayed with him like 6 months longer than I wanted to. Because I felt guilty about ending things. He was so into me but he also made me feel guilty about things like when I would talk to other guys (literally just talking, nothing else). Does your bf ever seem jealous? Either way, I'd get out. If you're not happy, staying in the relationship longer is only gonna make it worse when you finally do get around to ending things.0
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Life's too short, you are young! Let him down gently and move on - you have a lot of living to do before you settle down.
This, except the last part. I've been friends with my husband since I was 15 and we've been together since the day before I turned 19. I'm 25 now and we're married with two kids, yeah I missed out on 'living' but I wouldn't change it
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I don't know about your own value system, but for fun ask him if he's ok with an open relationship. Be sure to provide the details of his reaction in a post.0
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This has been eating at me for a while and I really just need to get it all out. It's long, so I don't blame you for not reading.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. When we started dating it was like something you'd see in the movies. I really thought it was love at first sight. I really enjoyed his company, we have a great time together, and my friends and family love him. After being together for 9 months we moved in together. I wouldn't say I was super ecstatic about moving in because we had only been together for 9 months, but my lease was up at my apartment and I didn't want to live in that city anymore, and I literally stayed at my boyfriend's apartment 5-7 days/nights a week, anyway, so why pay $300 for storage at my apartment. I did it because it was logical, not necessarily because I wanted to.
Well here we are, 3 months later, and I don't even think I want to be with him anymore. I could just kick myself for moving in with him. Living with him now is no different than before I moved in because, like I said, I basicaly lived here anyway. However, I don't have the opportunity to just pack my bag and leave--I'd have to move all my crap out.
I'm so torn because my boyfriend loves me SO much. He is SO wonderful to me. He would do anything for me, he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me and can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I also do have a lot of fun with him when it's just me and him. But, there's just something missing. I wouldn't say I'm SUPER unhappy, but I definitely feel like something is missing--or like I'm settling. There are certain things about him that just BUG me so much. If I had to list the top 5-10 qualities that are most important to me in a partner, I don't know if he'd even have half--or maybe just about half. I feel guilty. I am lucky enough to have a guy who treats me like gold and it's not good enough. The funny thing is I broke up with my ex of 2 years about 4 months before I met my current boyfriend (making me now feel like he might've been a rebound) because he DIDN'T show me the attention and affection my boyfriend shows me now, but now I feel like my current boyfriend shows me too much. I'm not trying to sound conceited, but sometimes I feel like my boyfriend is obsessed with me.
I've brought up the idea of us maybe breaking up about 2 times in the last 3 months and each time he completely freaks out. He hyperventilates, cries uncontrollably, begs me not to leave, talks about what a "loser" he is for not being able to keep me, and one time he even told me he'd "blow his brains out" if I ever left him. I really don't want to hurt him. He's a wonderful person and he treats me like gold, I just cannot help how I feel. He's even said this to me when I've brought up breaking up--"Don't I treat you well?"--this is what he always says to me. And he's right. Am I just a selfish *****?
if the feelings are gone, move on. you cant keep him in limbo while you twiddle your thumbs. he can be amazimg but if you lack chemistry it just wont work. also, RED FLAG if he threatens suicide or loses his sh** over the idea of you leaving. thats kind of creepy and could be a symptom of a much bigger problem. find somewhere to go and get someone to help you move so it goes by quickly.0 -
Dude, your BF has issues. Crying and saying he'll blow his brains out after only a year of dating is pretty intense, I think you might be in a bit of trouble. I watch this show "I Survived" and ive seen episodes where the dude acts like that and bad *kitten* ends up happening. You need to end it now, before it gets worse/weirder. For real.
This.
When people do that its very controlling and abusive behavior. I'd get out now before he actually does something crazy when you try to leave him after two years.0 -
thats emotional abuse honey. leave and lets just see what happens.0
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You are not doing either of you a favor by staying. Make your feelings known and move on. If its meant to be you will be back.0
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I feel bad for both of you. I hope you don't resent him or think he's disgusting by his crying and all. The poor thing probably has very deep abandonment issues. He's got an insecure attachment which is why he seems obsessed.
There's nothing you can do to ease his pain. I know people in this thread said his threat to kill himself was manipulative (and it could be), but it could also very well be true. Speaking from experience, when one has an insecure, unstable attachment, suicide does seem like a possible way out of having to deal with deep-seated abandonment. Don't hate him for it. He can't control how he feels.
It's best for you though, if you leave. You aren't happy, so it's not fair to either of you to stick around. I'm sorry that you're in such a bind, OP. Best of luck to you.0 -
I feel like my boyfriend is obsessed with me.
I've brought up the idea of us maybe breaking up about 2 times in the last 3 months and each time he completely freaks out. He hyperventilates, cries uncontrollably, begs me not to leave, talks about what a "loser" he is for not being able to keep me, and one time he even told me he'd "blow his brains out" if I ever left him. I really don't want to hurt him. He's a wonderful person and he treats me like gold, I just cannot help how I feel. He's even said this to me when I've brought up breaking up--"Don't I treat you well?"--this is what he always says to me. And he's right. Am I just a selfish *****?
This is not an example of a man who treats you like gold. This is an example of a man that is extremely insecure and afraid to be alone. This screams dangerous. If you do break up, this is going to be one of those break ups where you have to change your phone number and completely cut off contact.0 -
I'm surprised you've been with him this long if he doesn't even have half of the qualities that are important to you.0
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Realistically speaking - love isn't a feeling; it's a decision - you either choose to love someone or not to love someone...people don't fall in & out of love they just change their minds on the decision they first made.0
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