Lost the weight...more lonely than ever

marinebiologist_girl

Without sounding condescending, it should be about your personality and not your looks. Though personally, I reckon you look pretty cute If you're into this kind of thing, maybe try 'playing the scene' - not my thing at all, but you might find one person who you go on a date with/do more with who you'd actually quite like to spend some more time with, and vice versa. Just take the leap, good luck, and well done on reaching your goal.

kdeaux1959

Keep flashing that lovely smile of yours, be a great friend to people and it will happen.
Congratulations on reaching your goal.

I agree. Really, being a friend first is key. I honestly thought I would never find the right person then one day it happened. I was 33 years old and she was 26 when we got married; we have been together as husband and wife now for 19 years and have never grown tired of one another. When dealing with relationships, it appears that sometimes we stress over being single... When we do we give off a sense of desparation... When that happens, we become less appealing; if we are settled in who we are, then we are more likely to be appealing to our objects of affection; best wishes and congrats on the weight loss.

kaydow

I understand your dilemma:/ It really sucks having to wait for someone to walk into your life and feeling alone until they do. And I'm right there with ya (kind of, I haven't lost all the weight yet). But even when I feel like I'm forever alone, I try to go out and do what I want to do. I guess what I mean is, you've gotta do what you like and have fun instead of just waiting around to find someone (not that I, myself, manage to follow this all the time). Have fun doing what you're doing and try to stop searching. Searching drives you crazy. Do what you like (preferably with friends or maybe you'll make new friends) and be happy and maybe someone will come into your life.
For example, I was on this trip with a bunch of people and there was this guy I liked on the trip. He was playing basketball with a bunch of other guys, and I felt really awkward and nervous because I really wanted to shoot hoops but none of my other friends were into that. I didn't want to go out alone or for him to think I was weird, but I finally decided "Screw it. I wanna go shoot some hoops." Getting my first three-pointer was way more fun than just waiting around for him to notice me. Whether he noticed me or not, I still don't know, but what mattered was that I had a good time, and I eventually got over him). Plus, when I want to do something now, I'm less anxious about doing it.
I hope that's a good example. Analogies aren't my strong suit. Good luck whatever you do. We're all just trying to be happy.

dvisser1

I share you pain man! If I knew what the answer was I'd be using it myself.

TravisBikes

Buy a bike. You can ride her anytime you want. She will not complain (unless you break something), she always want's more. Looks great clean, or dirty, and in general will always be there when you need her.

Then you can meet some crazy cool biking chicks to boot.

Mountain, road, doesn't matter. Just keep spinning.

CassieReannan

When you stop looking, you will find your perfect someone when you least expect it. I did. :flowerforyou:

ExplorinLauren

Hmmm. I was gonna be the bad guy, and state what was obvious to me... But, maybe I'm wrong, so I digress.
If you are confident, happy in who you are, on the right path,healthy and doing what you love... you should have no problem finding "who ever" you are going to meet. It will come... Just make sure what you're looking for, is what you really want. Good luck

Nerdy_Rose

Don't concentrate so hard on finding a date or a mate. Cultivate hobbies. Horseback ride, rock climb, hang glide, take cooking classes, take sushi making classes -- find something you genuinely like to do -- and do it! It will put you around people with similar interests. Hang out. Make friends. Hang out with your friends. Continue cultivating your hobbies. Take a genuine interest in yourself, and other people will begin to as well.

stagegoddess

don't stress. just keep hanging out with friends and introduce yourself to people at places you're interested in. my brother met his wife at a karaoke bar. i met my bf of 10 years at a starbucks while hanging out with mutual friends/coworkers. you never know when you'll meet someone so try internet dating, hiking groups, dance lessons (they ALWAYS need more guys), theatre groups always need volunteers and you meet tons of girls there--anything that you'll be around new people and you can learn something new together.

kiakaha48

your doing fine dont get down about it. Lift your head high and keep smiling

robin68562

You're so cute. The right girl is going to come along, probably when you least expect it. Go out and do the things that you enjoy doing in a relaxed mixed group setting. Nothing is more attractive than seeing somebody who's being himself, having a good time. And if you happen to luck out and meet someone while you're out there, it'll be someone who enjoys doing the same things that you do.
When I was young I worried about meeting the right person all the time. Looking back now, I wish I would have just relaxed and enjoyed being single. I looked at your profile and I saw that you're only twenty-three years old. You've got years and years ahead of you to find and be with the right person. Be young while you're young, have fun and just be you. It'll all work out.

small_ninja

So I just had a perve through your profile and you look amazing! If I had to only judge by your photos, any girl would be pretty pleased to be dating you, I'm sure. But since you've posted a topic like this, I'd hazard a guess at saying you're maybe not the most confident of guys, and that can make or break you really. I think the easiest thing to do is try to to let it bother you too much and just let it happen (as a lot of people on here have already said). You'll meet someone eventually, and there'll be sparks, and then you can pursue and woo her with your muscles

Good luck, I'm sure you won't need it :flowerforyou:

ShaneOSX

To give a male perspective. It sounds like you're putting too much faith in women making the first move. Society has a come a long way in terms of gender equality and all that, but 99% of the time, the guy is still going to be the one to initiate the first conversation. You live in Chicago so you should have a lot of outlets for meeting people, hit up some bars or join meetup.com

But really, best advice I can give you, join OkCupid right now.

zgochenour

I am seeing a lot of advice here which is bad, so I feel compelled to respond. Don't just sit around waiting for it to happen or waiting for the right moment. That is terrible advice. And all this stuff about, don't worry you'll find it, etc, is all crap. Someone actually said "love will find you." Yeah, like a job will find an unemployed person. I see this advice is being given by a lot of women: it tends to work better for them (somewhat), based on societal expectations. All I can say is that it is highly unlikely to work for you.

Good things come to those who pursue. Did you lose weight by sitting around and being happy with yourself and letting life happen? Probably not. You pursued it. When what you were doing wasn't delivering results, you adjusted. Adapt. Don't become discouraged. The advice is the same for almost anything in life worth achieving.

I suggest you take a more proactive approach. You need to leverage your newfound assets. Extending on the employment analogy, let's say you have just graduated with a desirable degree from a prestigious university. This doesn't mean that you can sit around playing Guild Wars 2 and waiting for employers to call you up. Of course, I don't really know what steps you're currently taking. But I posit that you are not taking a proactive enough approach.

We can model searching for a mate as a search function. Your probability p of finding a mate of a given quality q is a function of the amount of time and effort you spend searching, although this is subject to diminishing returns, p(q)=a*f(effort) where a is an estimate of your mate quality. Using this simple model we can break down the things which might be confounding your attempts to find a mate.

1) Your mate quality might be low. But you've increased it by becoming healthier, more attractive, and more confident. You're a reasonably good looking guy, you can put a sentence together, I doubt this is the problem. Of course, it never hurts to try to improve. There may be little ways here and there you can improve at low cost: think about them.

2) Your desired mate quality might be too high. This is a common problem of "high standards." I discount this as a factor because you didn't say you are having trouble getting the most attractive girls, you said you are having trouble getting any dates at all. That said I have talked to guys who are single and miserable because they won't consider a girl who couldn't conceivably pose for Maxim.

3) You aren't exerting enough effort. This could take several forms: you aren't putting in the time, you aren't attempting to close (shyness), or you are too afraid of rejection. The last is, in my experience, the most common. If you ask a girl if she wants to get coffee, the worst she can say is no. Set goals for yourself, just as you would with other endeavors: instead of "I will eat 1800 calories today" make it "I will ask at least 3 women to coffee today." Something like that.

Of course, there are other ways you might try to expend effort. You could learn an instrument and join a rock band and hope you get an admirer, or something like that. But the tried and true way to get a date is to ask. You have the right idea: start small, but make your intentions clear. One mistake is to always talk about how you just want to do things as friends: in my experience, this doesn't lead to the type of relationship you clearly want, and it sends the wrong signal.

In summary: ignore the crap advice of other posters, be proactive, don't fear rejection, and leverage your assets (don't undersell yourself).

mamasmaltz3

That sounds completely frustrating, and I really feel for you.

The thing is, it's not just losing the weight that would help you get a date. If that's what motivated you to lose the weight in the first place, then good for you. But now that you've reached your target and you're not getting the effect you thought you would get, I would suggest that you go past that goal and now look for a different one to reach.

Weight loss does not really equate to finding someone; in fact, if it did, I would be very concerned. After all, if a person goes out with you just because you're now thinner, it would be just as easy for her to stop if you begin gaining weight again (and that's natural!).

So enjoy your singlehood first, Dahllywood. My mother calls it "single blessedness", and as a married woman, I can assure you that there are many good things to singlehood that perhaps you're just not seeing yet. Go out with groups of people, travel if you have the money, paint or sing or dance or cook, and generally just do whatever it is that makes you happy. If you are hinging all your happiness on being with someone then it would be a very difficult basis for a relationship to start with. If you're whole, if you're happy, then you will naturally attract people to your side. If they don't come, then it would still be fine -- you're still happy. It would be a win-win situation.

Good luck and God bless.

Great advice!

seximami79

I was having a similar discussion earlier with someone about being a certain weight/size not being able to fix everything. Congratulations on meeting your weight loss goals...are you going out anywhere where you might meet people-gym, coffee shop, organization related to your hobbies and interests? Dating sites can be interesting too. As we get older, it is a lot harder to make friends without actively trying, and if you are hetero and waiting for a woman to approach you, that may take a long time...if you aren't, maybe you just need to go to the right places?

Good luck!

seximami79

I am seeing a lot of advice here which is bad, so I feel compelled to respond. Don't just sit around waiting for it to happen or waiting for the right moment. That is terrible advice. And all this stuff about, don't worry you'll find it, etc, is all crap. Someone actually said "love will find you." Yeah, like a job will find an unemployed person. I see this advice is being given by a lot of women: it tends to work better for them (somewhat), based on societal expectations. All I can say is that it is highly unlikely to work for you.

Good things come to those who pursue. Did you lose weight by sitting around and being happy with yourself and letting life happen? Probably not. You pursued it. When what you were doing wasn't delivering results, you adjusted. Adapt. Don't become discouraged. The advice is the same for almost anything in life worth achieving.

I suggest you take a more proactive approach. You need to leverage your newfound assets. Extending on the employment analogy, let's say you have just graduated with a desirable degree from a prestigious university. This doesn't mean that you can sit around playing Guild Wars 2 and waiting for employers to call you up. Of course, I don't really know what steps you're currently taking. But I posit that you are not taking a proactive enough approach.

We can model searching for a mate as a search function. Your probability p of finding a mate of a given quality q is a function of the amount of time and effort you spend searching, although this is subject to diminishing returns, p(q)=a*f(effort) where a is an estimate of your mate quality. Using this simple model we can break down the things which might be confounding your attempts to find a mate.

1) Your mate quality might be low. But you've increased it by becoming healthier, more attractive, and more confident. You're a reasonably good looking guy, you can put a sentence together, I doubt this is the problem. Of course, it never hurts to try to improve. There may be little ways here and there you can improve at low cost: think about them.

2) Your desired mate quality might be too high. This is a common problem of "high standards." I discount this as a factor because you didn't say you are having trouble getting the most attractive girls, you said you are having trouble getting any dates at all. That said I have talked to guys who are single and miserable because they won't consider a girl who couldn't conceivably pose for Maxim.

3) You aren't exerting enough effort. This could take several forms: you aren't putting in the time, you aren't attempting to close (shyness), or you are too afraid of rejection. The last is, in my experience, the most common. If you ask a girl if she wants to get coffee, the worst she can say is no. Set goals for yourself, just as you would with other endeavors: instead of "I will eat 1800 calories today" make it "I will ask at least 3 women to coffee today." Something like that.

Of course, there are other ways you might try to expend effort. You could learn an instrument and join a rock band and hope you get an admirer, or something like that. But the tried and true way to get a date is to ask. You have the right idea: start small, but make your intentions clear. One mistake is to always talk about how you just want to do things as friends: in my experience, this doesn't lead to the type of relationship you clearly want, and it sends the wrong signal.

In summary: ignore the crap advice of other posters, be proactive, don't fear rejection, and leverage your assets (don't undersell yourself).

well put...you sound like you are a data analyst or in IT

slokane

It will happen I promise. And the hardest part is trying to figure out how to be happy by yourself until then. I have a feeling that once you figure that out, is when that lucky lady will come along.

small_ninja

"I will ask at least 3 women to coffee today."

Don't do that - you'll just come across as desperate.

Though the above poster does have some good pieces of advice in there (e.g. make your intentions clear) - that is not one of them.

I think what a lot of us mean when we say to wait/not pursue too hard is to wait for a good opportunity to present itself i.e. only pursue someone that's really caught your eye and you feel you have a connection with. That's not to say we're telling you not to put yourself in more situations where these opportunities will present themselves; by all means, do that! Go to bars/clubs/coffee shops etc. But don't go out with the sole intention of finding a date - women know when that's what you're there for, and it comes across as a bit sad and even if you have all the confidence in the world when you actually do the asking, you still come across as under-confident and desperate. I hope this makes sense.

Cristofori44

Join some groups with activities that interest you.
You're a young dude. There are decades filled with tail ahead of you.

And keep your head up--unless the situation calls for otherwise

-Chris