Lost the weight...more lonely than ever
Replies
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You're so cute. The right girl is going to come along, probably when you least expect it. Go out and do the things that you enjoy doing in a relaxed mixed group setting. Nothing is more attractive than seeing somebody who's being himself, having a good time. And if you happen to luck out and meet someone while you're out there, it'll be someone who enjoys doing the same things that you do.
When I was young I worried about meeting the right person all the time. Looking back now, I wish I would have just relaxed and enjoyed being single. I looked at your profile and I saw that you're only twenty-three years old. You've got years and years ahead of you to find and be with the right person. Be young while you're young, have fun and just be you. It'll all work out.0 -
So I just had a perve through your profile and you look amazing!
If I had to only judge by your photos, any girl would be pretty pleased to be dating you, I'm sure. But since you've posted a topic like this, I'd hazard a guess at saying you're maybe not the most confident of guys, and that can make or break you really. I think the easiest thing to do is try to to let it bother you too much and just let it happen (as a lot of people on here have already said). You'll meet someone eventually, and there'll be sparks, and then you can pursue and woo her with your muscles 
Good luck, I'm sure you won't need it :flowerforyou:0 -
To give a male perspective. It sounds like you're putting too much faith in women making the first move. Society has a come a long way in terms of gender equality and all that, but 99% of the time, the guy is still going to be the one to initiate the first conversation. You live in Chicago so you should have a lot of outlets for meeting people, hit up some bars or join meetup.com
But really, best advice I can give you, join OkCupid right now.0 -
I am seeing a lot of advice here which is bad, so I feel compelled to respond. Don't just sit around waiting for it to happen or waiting for the right moment. That is terrible advice. And all this stuff about, don't worry you'll find it, etc, is all crap. Someone actually said "love will find you." Yeah, like a job will find an unemployed person. I see this advice is being given by a lot of women: it tends to work better for them (somewhat), based on societal expectations. All I can say is that it is highly unlikely to work for you.
Good things come to those who pursue. Did you lose weight by sitting around and being happy with yourself and letting life happen? Probably not. You pursued it. When what you were doing wasn't delivering results, you adjusted. Adapt. Don't become discouraged. The advice is the same for almost anything in life worth achieving.
I suggest you take a more proactive approach. You need to leverage your newfound assets. Extending on the employment analogy, let's say you have just graduated with a desirable degree from a prestigious university. This doesn't mean that you can sit around playing Guild Wars 2 and waiting for employers to call you up. Of course, I don't really know what steps you're currently taking. But I posit that you are not taking a proactive enough approach.
We can model searching for a mate as a search function. Your probability p of finding a mate of a given quality q is a function of the amount of time and effort you spend searching, although this is subject to diminishing returns, p(q)=a*f(effort) where a is an estimate of your mate quality. Using this simple model we can break down the things which might be confounding your attempts to find a mate.
1) Your mate quality might be low. But you've increased it by becoming healthier, more attractive, and more confident. You're a reasonably good looking guy, you can put a sentence together, I doubt this is the problem. Of course, it never hurts to try to improve. There may be little ways here and there you can improve at low cost: think about them.
2) Your desired mate quality might be too high. This is a common problem of "high standards." I discount this as a factor because you didn't say you are having trouble getting the most attractive girls, you said you are having trouble getting any dates at all. That said I have talked to guys who are single and miserable because they won't consider a girl who couldn't conceivably pose for Maxim.
3) You aren't exerting enough effort. This could take several forms: you aren't putting in the time, you aren't attempting to close (shyness), or you are too afraid of rejection. The last is, in my experience, the most common. If you ask a girl if she wants to get coffee, the worst she can say is no. Set goals for yourself, just as you would with other endeavors: instead of "I will eat 1800 calories today" make it "I will ask at least 3 women to coffee today." Something like that.
Of course, there are other ways you might try to expend effort. You could learn an instrument and join a rock band and hope you get an admirer, or something like that. But the tried and true way to get a date is to ask. You have the right idea: start small, but make your intentions clear. One mistake is to always talk about how you just want to do things as friends: in my experience, this doesn't lead to the type of relationship you clearly want, and it sends the wrong signal.
In summary: ignore the crap advice of other posters, be proactive, don't fear rejection, and leverage your assets (don't undersell yourself).0 -
That sounds completely frustrating, and I really feel for you.
The thing is, it's not just losing the weight that would help you get a date. If that's what motivated you to lose the weight in the first place, then good for you. But now that you've reached your target and you're not getting the effect you thought you would get, I would suggest that you go past that goal and now look for a different one to reach.
Weight loss does not really equate to finding someone; in fact, if it did, I would be very concerned. After all, if a person goes out with you just because you're now thinner, it would be just as easy for her to stop if you begin gaining weight again (and that's natural!).
So enjoy your singlehood first, Dahllywood. My mother calls it "single blessedness", and as a married woman, I can assure you that there are many good things to singlehood that perhaps you're just not seeing yet. Go out with groups of people, travel if you have the money, paint or sing or dance or cook, and generally just do whatever it is that makes you happy. If you are hinging all your happiness on being with someone then it would be a very difficult basis for a relationship to start with. If you're whole, if you're happy, then you will naturally attract people to your side. If they don't come, then it would still be fine -- you're still happy. It would be a win-win situation.
Good luck and God bless.
Great advice!0 -
I was having a similar discussion earlier with someone about being a certain weight/size not being able to fix everything. Congratulations on meeting your weight loss goals...are you going out anywhere where you might meet people-gym, coffee shop, organization related to your hobbies and interests? Dating sites can be interesting too. As we get older, it is a lot harder to make friends without actively trying, and if you are hetero and waiting for a woman to approach you, that may take a long time...if you aren't, maybe you just need to go to the right places?
Good luck!0 -
I am seeing a lot of advice here which is bad, so I feel compelled to respond. Don't just sit around waiting for it to happen or waiting for the right moment. That is terrible advice. And all this stuff about, don't worry you'll find it, etc, is all crap. Someone actually said "love will find you." Yeah, like a job will find an unemployed person. I see this advice is being given by a lot of women: it tends to work better for them (somewhat), based on societal expectations. All I can say is that it is highly unlikely to work for you.
Good things come to those who pursue. Did you lose weight by sitting around and being happy with yourself and letting life happen? Probably not. You pursued it. When what you were doing wasn't delivering results, you adjusted. Adapt. Don't become discouraged. The advice is the same for almost anything in life worth achieving.
I suggest you take a more proactive approach. You need to leverage your newfound assets. Extending on the employment analogy, let's say you have just graduated with a desirable degree from a prestigious university. This doesn't mean that you can sit around playing Guild Wars 2 and waiting for employers to call you up. Of course, I don't really know what steps you're currently taking. But I posit that you are not taking a proactive enough approach.
We can model searching for a mate as a search function. Your probability p of finding a mate of a given quality q is a function of the amount of time and effort you spend searching, although this is subject to diminishing returns, p(q)=a*f(effort) where a is an estimate of your mate quality. Using this simple model we can break down the things which might be confounding your attempts to find a mate.
1) Your mate quality might be low. But you've increased it by becoming healthier, more attractive, and more confident. You're a reasonably good looking guy, you can put a sentence together, I doubt this is the problem. Of course, it never hurts to try to improve. There may be little ways here and there you can improve at low cost: think about them.
2) Your desired mate quality might be too high. This is a common problem of "high standards." I discount this as a factor because you didn't say you are having trouble getting the most attractive girls, you said you are having trouble getting any dates at all. That said I have talked to guys who are single and miserable because they won't consider a girl who couldn't conceivably pose for Maxim.
3) You aren't exerting enough effort. This could take several forms: you aren't putting in the time, you aren't attempting to close (shyness), or you are too afraid of rejection. The last is, in my experience, the most common. If you ask a girl if she wants to get coffee, the worst she can say is no. Set goals for yourself, just as you would with other endeavors: instead of "I will eat 1800 calories today" make it "I will ask at least 3 women to coffee today." Something like that.
Of course, there are other ways you might try to expend effort. You could learn an instrument and join a rock band and hope you get an admirer, or something like that. But the tried and true way to get a date is to ask. You have the right idea: start small, but make your intentions clear. One mistake is to always talk about how you just want to do things as friends: in my experience, this doesn't lead to the type of relationship you clearly want, and it sends the wrong signal.
In summary: ignore the crap advice of other posters, be proactive, don't fear rejection, and leverage your assets (don't undersell yourself).
well put...you sound like you are a data analyst or in IT
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It will happen I promise. And the hardest part is trying to figure out how to be happy by yourself until then. I have a feeling that once you figure that out, is when that lucky lady will come along.0
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"I will ask at least 3 women to coffee today."
Don't do that - you'll just come across as desperate.
Though the above poster does have some good pieces of advice in there (e.g. make your intentions clear) - that is not one of them.
I think what a lot of us mean when we say to wait/not pursue too hard is to wait for a good opportunity to present itself i.e. only pursue someone that's really caught your eye and you feel you have a connection with. That's not to say we're telling you not to put yourself in more situations where these opportunities will present themselves; by all means, do that! Go to bars/clubs/coffee shops etc. But don't go out with the sole intention of finding a date - women know when that's what you're there for, and it comes across as a bit sad and even if you have all the confidence in the world when you actually do the asking, you still come across as under-confident and desperate. I hope this makes sense.0 -
Join some groups with activities that interest you.
You're a young dude. There are decades filled with tail ahead of you.
And keep your head up--unless the situation calls for otherwise
-Chris0 -
Trust me, you look and sound like a really nice guy! Someone great will come along for you, and you'll be happy. I know this is what everyone says (or at least to me) but it will come when you're expecting it the least!0
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Don't really know where to post this, but I feel like I need to tell someone.
I've been at my target weight for quite awhile now, and being as big as I was I figured I would have gotten some more attention with my new figure and confidence. However, I've been single for such a long time, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to women at work, bars, online dating, whatever, and yet I haven't been on a date in 9 months.
I'm just getting really lonely. I feel great physically and I am confident, but I still can't find someone to even get coffee with. It's wearing on me mentally and I don't know where to go or what to do.
I understand you dude. Its a part of the process. Do what you can to focus on you. Focus on your career, life goals, and the right woman will come along. Trust me, you definitely dont wanna end up with just anyone and then you are unhappy. Spend time finding yourself and figure out what you like. Go to those type of locations and mingle. But most of all, focus on you. You are young and take the time to get yourself established and work on being patient. Online dating can be very interesting, I actually found my wife online. But it takes patience my friend and knowing what you want. Keep your head up though.0 -
It will happen when you least expect it. I know everyone says that but it's true.
I finally gave up "looking" said "God, it's up to you, bring me a good man and I'll love him forever like never before"
Focused on me, got things right for the most part. The last thing I was worried about was my weight, I was more concerned with having a job, a roof over my head, food for me and my dog, a car and a new lease on life. (Working on the weight thing now though!)
Then I met my bf and everything I had worked for really fell into place so to speak. Now, I couldn't happier :-)
Really, just trust and know that someday it'll happen cus it will :-)0 -
I know how you feel. I found that keep on felling good about yourself and that one luck lady will come. It sucks because it takes forever to found that right person but she will come.0
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weight loss is not a cure all to life's problems.0
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Don't do that - you'll just come across as desperate.
I think this is an unnecessary complication. He need not come across as "desperate" (although note that the OP actually is desperate, as stated) if he follows common sense tips: don't ask the same woman multiple times, don't ask multiple women in front of each other. If the third woman says yes, don't breathe a sigh of relief and say "Good, you were the third I asked today and I was about to meet my goal!"
There are some key corollaries to the this approach I suggested once you consider the above: if you've already asked the women you know who you are interested in, and they have declined, you need to meet new women. If you still struggle to meet your goal, you need to meet new women at a faster pace. This is where some of the good ideas that other posters have suggested come into play: get new hobbies, find new places, etc.
Maybe 3 isn't the right number, maybe it's 2, or .5. Just as we set calorie goals for weight loss rather than just winging it, setting goals can be useful. It is easy to say "but I've asked so many girls" and come to find out, the number of times you've actually asked is quite small. Often, we think we are trying quite hard but when quantified we find we are not actually trying very hard. Of course, ymmv.0 -
Awe your adorable.. Word from the wise from a young woman's perspective. Find humor in your weaknesses and use to it to make her smile while being bold at the same time. It'll give u self confidence as well as make you more relatable and down to earth. ❤0
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It will happen when you least expect it.
This is a sophism. Unless you are especially autistic, you should be able to pick up on signals which indicate when it is likely or unlikely. The most likely time for it to happen will be the time when you suspect it is most likely. That is not to say that it will definitely happen then; low probability events do happen.
Ultimately, this type of thinking leads to low effort. After all, when are you less likely to expect finding someone than when you aren't investing any effort into finding someone? I think that folks' confidence in this line of thinking is sort of like "a watched pot never boils" -- if you are consciously focused on finding a mate, it may seem to be taking a long time. But unlike the boiling teapot, the time and effort you put into this task can markedly improve your chances, and there's no guarantee that anything will happen at all if you do nothing.0 -
I met my wife of 10 years outta the clear blue. Like alot of people say, it'll happen when the right person comes along. Keep your head held high. It sucks now but the reward is worth it. Good luck!0
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If it's wearing on you mentally, maybe you need to work on your inner man? Suck it up, dude! That doesn't mean be a jerk to people, but just don't be a whiner. Women don't like that - and they can smell that a mile away!0
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Your young and very attractive! Enjoy life! Your at your prime, live life and the rest will fall into place. I'm sure there are ALOT of women who would love to date you. just keep flashing that dazzling smile and someone will come along when you least expect it! In the mean time have fun and know you have plenty of friends here on mfp
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Just get out there and keep yourself bussy doing the things that you love or finding new adventures. I'm sure that it won't take too long before you hit it off with some girl that is into the same things that you are...unless that you are into something like bikini waxing sumo wrestlers.0
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I agree with a lot of the posts on here. It is about being active doing the stuff that makes you happy. So if you go to the gym and you constantly see the same girl in there maybe say hi one day or try to start a conversation. Getting out and about where there is a possibility of meeting someone helps. When you are busy with your own hobbies or seem confident (not cocky) it will make people want to get to know you. You seem cute and yeah it can be frustrating but the worst that can happen is the girl says no and if she does then she wasn't meant for you. There are plenty of girls out there...don't give up. There is probably a girl in the same situation as you right now.0
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It will happen when you least expect it.
This is a sophism. Unless you are especially autistic, you should be able to pick up on signals which indicate when it is likely or unlikely. The most likely time for it to happen will be the time when you suspect it is most likely. That is not to say that it will definitely happen then; low probability events do happen.
Ultimately, this type of thinking leads to low effort. After all, when are you less likely to expect finding someone than when you aren't investing any effort into finding someone? I think that folks' confidence in this line of thinking is sort of like "a watched pot never boils" -- if you are consciously focused on finding a mate, it may seem to be taking a long time. But unlike the boiling teapot, the time and effort you put into this task can markedly improve your chances, and there's no guarantee that anything will happen at all if you do nothing.
You are the only person in this thread who makes sense. Thank you for being rational and actually offering practical advice to the world.0 -
I agree with a lot of the posts on here. It is about being active doing the stuff that makes you happy. So if you go to the gym and you constantly see the same girl in there maybe say hi one day or try to start a conversation. Getting out and about where there is a possibility of meeting someone helps. When you are busy with your own hobbies or seem confident (not cocky) it will make people want to get to know you. You seem cute and yeah it can be frustrating but the worst that can happen is the girl says no and if she does then she wasn't meant for you. There are plenty of girls out there...don't give up. There is probably a girl in the same situation as you right now.
Agree ^^
Also I've heard of a few "singles boot camp" classes, maybe google to see if there's anything in your area?0 -
Dont know why!! Snooped at your pics your hot lol !0
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:flowerforyou: Welcome to my world!
One thing I have noticed that as I lost weight, more people have said..."when are you going to start dating?" so it is almost like there is an increased pressure to get out there and meet someone now that I have a new figure.
Although I am in no better of a situation than you are, I suggest that you get out there and join a fitness related club or class. I always scope out the guys in my fitness classes...lol. I have felt so much more connected now that I have joined the Y and I workout with people in classes. I may not be dating but at least I feel connected to other people through the classes which has really helped to ease the increasing sense of loneliness I was feeling. Good luck!
D0 -
Oh wow you look like a hottie & to be honest, if only I live there, I would definitely wouldn't think twice in getting to know you.Don't really know where to post this, but I feel like I need to tell someone.
I've been at my target weight for quite awhile now, and being as big as I was I figured I would have gotten some more attention with my new figure and confidence. However, I've been single for such a long time, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to women at work, bars, online dating, whatever, and yet I haven't been on a date in 9 months.
I'm just getting really lonely. I feel great physically and I am confident, but I still can't find someone to even get coffee with. It's wearing on me mentally and I don't know where to go or what to do.
Anyway like the others here have said, don't equate losing weight to instantly winning a date. Those two are absolutely not related. First of all, think of the other worthwhile things you now have such as improved health, endurance, strength etc. Second is that do other things that makes you happy & as we all know, cheerful people attract more attention. I also agree with the one who said that it should raise a concern if suddenly you're getting attention from women after you lost the weight since that would mean they're only interested in you physically & once you gain weight, they will leave you at that.
Love can wait. I think you're still young, please enjoy your youth & singleness and take advantage of everything while you can. Remember life is too short & we only live once.0 -
This mght sound like an obvious thing but- are you actually ASKING girls on dates or for coffee or just assuming it would happen in the course of gettign to know them. I only bring it up as i knew a good looking lad like yourself who never went on dates. He talked to plenty of girls and was well liked but never got a date. It wasn't until I pointed out that he hadn't actually ASKED anybody out that it clicked with him.
He did ask someone out for a drink, making it clear it wasn't just 'as friends' and has had tonnes of dates since.0 -
maybe your problem is that you are thinking to much about it. us girls feel the pressure you have so relax and just have fun. when you are not looking is when everything happens0
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