Where does looking after yourself become selfish?
I am thinking about making some big changes in my life, and I am pretty sure it's because I have taken control of my health, and realise I want control of the rest of my life as well, but I worry that this is just selfishness. I am all too aware we only get one shot at life, and I have had enough of other people telling me what they think I want, it's time I actually did what I want to do, but I worry that far from making me a better wife and mother, it will make me a more self-absorbed one. The children already hate me exercising as it's time away from them, even though they never want me to play with them when I am around, they still cry when I go out for a run, or go to a circuits class. I know that the changes I want to make require my husband to make big changes to his life too, changes which he may not especially want to make.
On the other hand, I have sacrificed my whole life, my career, my friends, everything for my family for 8 years now. I have stayed at home with the children, given up singing (I was an opera singer pre-children), and moved to an area I don't like, I have no family anywhere near and where I can't sing professionally, for my husband's job, only to have him move jobs after a couple of years so he isn't even at home during the week now, but has to fly across the country.
I am not happy, and big changes are going to come. Now how do I make them without being selfish?
On the other hand, I have sacrificed my whole life, my career, my friends, everything for my family for 8 years now. I have stayed at home with the children, given up singing (I was an opera singer pre-children), and moved to an area I don't like, I have no family anywhere near and where I can't sing professionally, for my husband's job, only to have him move jobs after a couple of years so he isn't even at home during the week now, but has to fly across the country.
I am not happy, and big changes are going to come. Now how do I make them without being selfish?
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Replies
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Well you need to start thinking about yourself and your needs. What you want to do. This is something I struggle with right now having two young ones. But you need a sense of identity, outside of your family.
A happy mommy, I believe makes for a happier home. Kids can sense tension, and crap rolls downhill. You are unhappy, so then becomes your husband. So becomes your kids.
Are any of these changes things you can include the family in? Ways to make it fun for everybody?0 -
I have gone a bit past making little changes. I want to move. I want a completely different lifestyle and a different childhood for my children. I don't want them in full time school, and I want land for them to be able to roam, and have proper childhoods, not cooped up in a small house with a small garden next to a busy road and in school 8am-6pm 6 days a week. But am I being selfish dragging them away from their friends?0
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Can I ask where you live that the kids have those school hours? I think my kids would go nuts..lol. Advice wise...I know it's tough to make changes but like you said...you've only got 1 shot at life.0
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How old are the kids? What kind of roots have you/they put down?
I think in the end they'll really be happy with the changes you seem to have some really good ideas.
But that's not to say there wouldn't be adjustment.
And in the end, I don't think these life changes really lend to being selfish. It sounds to me like you'd like them to be much more well rounded.0 -
Can I ask where you live that the kids have those school hours? I think my kids would go nuts..lol. Advice wise...I know it's tough to make changes but like you said...you've only got 1 shot at life.
Private school in the UK. They don't have those hours yet, at the moment it's 8am - 4pm, Mon-Fri, which is fine, but next year it's 8am-6pm 6 days a week, and I didn't have children to let them be brought up by an institution, no matter how good the educational standard.0 -
Where are you in UK? We have an amazing education system if you use it correctly. I'm also in UK but would never have wanted my kids privatley educated, but they have still benefited from an excellent education due to where we are. Post code=lots of money!!!0
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Where are you in UK? We have an amazing education system if you use it correctly. I'm also in UK but would never have wanted my kids privatley educated, but they have still benefited from an excellent education due to where we are. Post code=lots of money!!!
I went to private school, so it's what I know. I wouldn't want my children in the state system unless we lived somewhere with a tiny village school with about 6 children. I don't think there is any substitute for a class size of 12, which they have at the moment. Except homeschooling, but my husband is completely against that.0 -
Where does looking after yourself become selfish? When the impact on others is unreasonable. Is it unreasonable to move house and move your children away from their friends? It depends whether that will ultimately solve the problem, or whether the problem is one that you'll be taking with you.
So send them to a different school with a different ethos and different hours.Private school in the UK. They don't have those hours yet, at the moment it's 8am - 4pm, Mon-Fri, which is fine, but next year it's 8am-6pm 6 days a week, and I didn't have children to let them be brought up by an institution, no matter how good the educational standard.
If you're paying for a private education, you get to call the shots.
Or *gasp* move to an area with a good state school and let them go there.
EDITED TO ADD: If you think a tiny village school with six pupils is ideal, you might want to do a bit more research and give it more thought. There is more to education than exams, and such a closeted environment and necessarily restricted teaching staff might or might not produce good exam results, but it would do absolutely nothing to prepare a child for dealing with the wider world.0 -
I think that people need to be a bit selfish, especially when it comes to things like nutrition & exercise. I now take time to do things for myself that I did not do when I was an unhealthy weight. My wife & kids are a priority obviously but you also have to take care of your own needs.0
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Search the topic "what weightloss DOES to a person" its an eloquently written answer to your question. Written by an mfp member yoovie. Find this topic!!!0
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Where does looking after yourself become selfish? When the impact on others is unreasonable. Is it unreasonable to move house and move your children away from their friends? It depends whether that will ultimately solve the problem, or whether the problem is one that you'll be taking with you.
So send them to a different school with a different ethos and different hours.Private school in the UK. They don't have those hours yet, at the moment it's 8am - 4pm, Mon-Fri, which is fine, but next year it's 8am-6pm 6 days a week, and I didn't have children to let them be brought up by an institution, no matter how good the educational standard.
If you're paying for a private education, you get to call the shots.
Or *gasp* move to an area with a good state school and let them go there.
EDITED TO ADD: If you think a tiny village school with six people in a class is ideal, you might want to do a bit more research. There is more to education than exams, and such a closeted environment might produce good exam results, but it would do nothing to prepare a child for dealing with the wider world.
agreed with the 'village school' comment. You really can't wrap em up in cotton wool & when they become teens it's harder if you have. BUT in saying that, there peers have a massive affect on their decisions when growing up & making choices. It's not necessarily a small village school that's the key. but just the location in general that your kids school in, but then that goes for anywhere in the world?? If your in an affluent area, no need to go private!0 -
Actually, looking again at the OP, I don't think this is about the kids at all.
I think it's about your being sick and tired of coming second to your husband in terms of career and life and choice of location. In your situation, I'd be wanting to assert my personal needs a lot more firmly than you have been.
It's time to have a serious discussion with him about how you feel, while you still have a marriage to discuss.0 -
Actually, looking again at the OP, I don't think this is about the kids at all.
I think it's about your being sick and tired of coming second to your husband in terms of career and life and choice of location. In your situation, I'd be wanting to assert my personal needs a lot more firmly than you have been.
It's time to have a serious discussion with him about how you feel, while you still have a marriage to discuss.
What in this thead suggest's it's the OP that need's to change thing's? It maybe her husband, or both equally? I don't pick upon the OP needing to assert herself anymore than her husband?0 -
Search the topic "what weightloss DOES to a person" its an eloquently written answer to your question. Written by an mfp member yoovie. Find this topic!!!
It was that thread that got me thinking, actually. I'm afraid I disagreed with it, because I don't think looking after yourself more generally leads you to become a better person. I think it often leads to self-absorption.0 -
Where does looking after yourself become selfish? When the impact on others is unreasonable. Is it unreasonable to move house and move your children away from their friends? It depends whether that will ultimately solve the problem, or whether the problem is one that you'll be taking with you.
So send them to a different school with a different ethos and different hours.Private school in the UK. They don't have those hours yet, at the moment it's 8am - 4pm, Mon-Fri, which is fine, but next year it's 8am-6pm 6 days a week, and I didn't have children to let them be brought up by an institution, no matter how good the educational standard.
If you're paying for a private education, you get to call the shots.
Or *gasp* move to an area with a good state school and let them go there.
EDITED TO ADD: If you think a tiny village school with six people in a class is ideal, you might want to do a bit more research. There is more to education than exams, and such a closeted environment might produce good exam results, but it would do nothing to prepare a child for dealing with the wider world.
agreed with the 'village school' comment. You really can't wrap em up in cotton wool & when they become teens it's harder if you have. BUT in saying that, there peers have a massive affect on their decisions when growing up & making choices. It's not necessarily a small village school that's the key. but just the location in general that your kids school in, but then that goes for anywhere in the world?? If your in an affluent area, no need to go private!
I'm afraid that just isn't true. I live in an extremely affluent area, and what that means is that everyone who can afford it sends their children to one of several private schools (all of which have the same non-negotiable hours), and the rest get dumped in second rate, massively over-crowded schools. The state primaries around us are terrible, despite living in one of the 10 most affluent areas in the UK. I will no doubt offend anyone who did go to state school, but that's not what I want for my children. I don't want them taught 30 to a class including children that should be having one to one specialist care and aren't getting it because the school is understaffed. In particular my oldest son would sink fast somewhere like that. I want my children to have the upbringing I had.0 -
You never said where you were in UK? We too also live in a very affluent area, but the difference is that the post code pays for the state schools (& more). Many locally to us will send their kiddies to primary private but still opt for the local high school as it's in the top 10% of outstanding schools in UK. I've paid for my postcode but not for schooling......some would say I've picked the raw deal :frown:0
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I'd say talk to your husband and be really honest about how you feel.0
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You never said where you were in UK? We too also live in a very affluent area, but the difference is that the post code pays for the state schools (& more). Many locally to us will send their kiddies to primary private but still opt for the local high school as it's in the top 10% of outstanding schools in UK. I've paid for my postcode but not for schooling......some would say I've picked the raw deal :frown:
That is similar to us. The secondary state schools are great, but the primaries are terrible, so most people I know send their children to private primary then state secondary.0 -
I think that people need to be a bit selfish, especially when it comes to things like nutrition & exercise. I now take time to do things for myself that I did not do when I was an unhealthy weight. My wife & kids are a priority obviously but you also have to take care of your own needs.
I agree with this.. But I have been bringing my kids on walks with me everyday so they are with me but that's only because I have no one to watch them..my husband is deployed so im away from family also so I totally understand how u feel with not having around...stay strong lady it's ok to be taking care of urself n others will follow when they r ready0 -
A happy mommy, I believe makes for a happier home. Kids can sense tension, and crap rolls downhill. You are unhappy, so then becomes your husband. So becomes your kids.
Not to get too "preachy" but remember the words of Jesus, "Love your neighbor as yourself". How can you love your neighbor, husband, kids, etc. if you're not happy with yourself and your life. If you've ever flown on an airline, do you remember the instructions in case the oxygen masks fall down. First, put yours on. Then you can help others around you.
It's pretty clear that you can't take care of others if you don't care for yourself first. I don't mean that in a selfish way but how can you be a good example for your kids on what a healthy lifestyle is if you don't have one yourself. Exercise is a great stress reliever too so it's good for you in more than one way. What's good for you ends up affecting those closest around you in a positive manner.
Don't abandon your family to exercise. Try to be flexible and work it so you're affecting them in the least manner but you should be allowed to have time for yourself to look after yourself.0 -
I have gone a bit past making little changes. I want to move. I want a completely different lifestyle and a different childhood for my children. I don't want them in full time school, and I want land for them to be able to roam, and have proper childhoods, not cooped up in a small house with a small garden next to a busy road and in school 8am-6pm 6 days a week. But am I being selfish dragging them away from their friends?
Do ur kids go to school in China? 8a-6p 6 days a week?0 -
Where does looking after yourself become selfish? Well, it's more of a 'when' and the answer is from DAY ONE.
When I hear this question I'm reminded that we have to remember in order to truly help others we must first help ourselves so that we have the strength and mind to put to task what is required of us. So, it's selfish. 100%. And you know what else? That's completely OK. By helping yourself into a healthier lifestyle you are leading by example, which is the strongest way to teach - especially for your kids.
As far as what you want in your life it sounds like you have a longing for your music to be a part of your life again. While I'm merely a web commented on a fitness site and you can take me for what I'm worth, I believe that a longing for something leads to resentment to that which keeps us from our passions. We all have our breaking point. So I believe that there are low commitment ways to re-introduce singing back into your life that wouldn't be life altering for your family - maybe go to an Open Mic around town. Search for local plays or, if you're a church-goer, you could take up choir as well. Just some ideas.
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Search the topic "what weightloss DOES to a person" its an eloquently written answer to your question. Written by an mfp member yoovie. Find this topic!!!
It was that thread that got me thinking, actually. I'm afraid I disagreed with it, because I don't think looking after yourself more generally leads you to become a better person. I think it often leads to self-absorption.
This put you on the other side.0 -
I have gone a bit past making little changes. I want to move. I want a completely different lifestyle and a different childhood for my children. I don't want them in full time school, and I want land for them to be able to roam, and have proper childhoods, not cooped up in a small house with a small garden next to a busy road and in school 8am-6pm 6 days a week. But am I being selfish dragging them away from their friends?
No, you want better for them and that is the way it should be...Plus what was said above ' A happy mom makes for a happy household'. You do what needs to be done for you and your family - You know what is best. How old are your kids btw?0 -
Taking some time for yourself and/or deciding what goes in your mouth, is not selfish.0
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You're not selfish because you want to take care of yourself! I feel guilty sometimes because I exercise a lot, but my kids just know that is mommy's time, and they pretty much leave me alone. Do you think your kids would rather you die of a health issue when they are young, or do they want you at their graduation, wedding, etc.? But I understand the singing thing; I am a singer too, and I used to want more than anything to be a recording artist. I still try to get out and sing sometimes, but life has just gotten in the way. Don't let everyday things get in the way of your dreams. If you want to still be a singer, go out and do it hun!! You have to be happy and content with your life if you are to make a positive difference in anyone else's life!!
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^^This is how I read it, too.Actually, looking again at the OP, I don't think this is about the kids at all.
I think it's about your being sick and tired of coming second to your husband in terms of career and life and choice of location. In your situation, I'd be wanting to assert my personal needs a lot more firmly than you have been.
It's time to have a serious discussion with him about how you feel, while you still have a marriage to discuss.0 -
In my opinion I have to put myself first. No one else is going to put "me" first so I have to. And I do. The older I get, the better I am about it. I say no to a lot of stuff and take care of my needs; I eat healthy, work out daily, get my nails done, etc. etc. If I didn't, I'd be very unhappy.
I do take care of my dogs and my husband but honestly, I come first. And if I don't have time for something, it can wait or I can delegate it to someone else.
This is the main reason I decided early on not to have children. I'd end up with very little time for myself, my marriage, my health, and my three adorable little pooches. Plus throw in church, social activities and a little school work and my time is gone.
My Mom wasted a lot of her younger years putting my douche-bad Dad and us kids first and she was really unhappy. Now, she puts herself first. She has a boyfriend and has hobbies and is much happier. They go out, have fun, go away on the weekends, etc. I try to do whatever I can for her because I realize everything she sacrificed for us.0 -
Taking care of yourself and making sure your needs are met is never selfish. People that try to convince you otherwise do not have your best interest at heart.
After you get your "needs" met and start looking at "wants", you are free to do as you like. As you say, this is your one shot at life, and you get to make it what you want. Don't pay any attention to "shoulds" or such nonsense as you are making these decisions. It's all up to you. If other people think that's selfish, then that's their problem. The only thing to keep in mind is that every choice has consequences. For example, you might want to move and your husband absolutely will not. You have a choice between moving where you want and staying married. Then you get to decide what your priorities are and make a choice. But it is *always* your choice. And making conscious choices to be in control of your life is not selfish. Every person on the planet has the same right.0 -
Taking care of yourself is not selfish and it doesn't ALWAYS lead to self-absorption. Talk to your husband about what you want. I'd be annoyed by his wanting to move and then having to travel all the time, too, especially if you sacrificed a career that you loved! In regards to excercise, I'm not sure I'm understanding why your kids are crying when you leave when they're in school full-time and you don't work, meaning you could go to the gym while they are at school....?0
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