Relationship question

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2

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  • txdahl
    txdahl Posts: 107 Member
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    My ex-husband and I (stop laughing, it was the drugs he started doing not the weight situation that ended things lol), went through this. Even when we met I was a big girl and he was very big into body building. We did fine with it because we respected each other. If he got home before me he would cook what worked for him and I would either have that or fend for myself if it were something I didn't like, if I got home first I would cook for him since it was very important to him. I never nagged or gave him a hard time about his eating habits or hours in the gym and he was very good about not lecturing me or trying to change me. He was always very helpful when I would do the yo-yo thing as so many of us have done. That being said I have a hard time dating in this crazy single world now because I am a big girl (for now). While I understand why, it's hard not to get upset with the guys that won't bother to even look at me past my size.
  • ahavoc
    ahavoc Posts: 464 Member
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    My husband has always worked out. I have not. I had a back injury in my twenties, and a lot of health issues over the years. Now I'm working out more, and my husband is very happy about it. But relationships take work if you want them to last. I've been with my husband for 34 years, through fat and thin, and fat again... and for the past couple we've been working on fit.

    A true partner is just that, a partner. They don't have to know where you are every minute of the day, and you don't have to reassure them all the time. There's an element of trust, and loyalty. Find the partner that will workout with you sometimes, and does their own thing others. Find the partner that understands you have to be true to yourself, and they have to be true to themselves, to be true to each other.
  • reenielovesthebeach
    reenielovesthebeach Posts: 98
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    I think you have to ask yourself if this is a person that you'd like to spend your life with or maybe just a habit. Do you like her enough to accept her the way she is- in shape or not...You look fairly young. I will tell you that after you get older, looks don't matter as much and neither does some extra weight. Eventually, your kids will grow up and sex drive dwindles a bit and you better have some things in common and be able to like each other and be able to carry on conversations.Wrinkles will pop up, gravity takes its toll, men lose hair, etc... I'm not saying that just because you get older and are married that you should let yourself go. You still need to work on being attractive and be attracted to your significant other. Hopefully after years of being together, you see deeper qualities than just weight or looks. What I am saying is that as you reach middle age years- you just want to be healthy and have energy to get up and go to work and take care of you family. When couples are content and kids come, you tend to fall into a comfort zone and you lose focus on being healthy. Okay so now that I have probably freaked you out with all of this mother talk- I'd just say go with your heart. What you feel in your heart is nothing anyone can tell you. You will know if she's the right one. I knew from the beginning. It is good to listen to people who have been where you're headed though...That's what I always tell my kids.

    BTW- this comes from a 43 year old woman, who has been content for say the past fifteen years and has gotten out of shape. I married my wonderful husband at 20 years old (married for almost 23 years now), we have a 19 year old daughter and a 22 year old son, two grandchildren and we are empty-nesters now for two years. I wouldn't change a thing about my life. I am thankful we jived and both worked hard to keep our marriage strong, even after getting married so young. Practically everyone that I know has been divorced. I'm proud to say that I am not one of those statistics. I am VERY attracted to my handsome husband after all these years. We both got a bit chubby and are now working on this together, trying to make a lifestyle of being healthy. We go to the gym together and LOVE spending every moment together that we can. My weight goal is to lose 45 more pounds by Christmas and I will be close to my actual goal. We just got home from the gym. We did 50 minutes on the treadmill. My husband started this at the beginning of summer and I wasn't on board with it. I love food and I love to cook. After I saw my husband lose weight, it inspired me to get healthy and here I am. I have lost 17 pounds this month be eating no junk food, no pop, cutting my calories and working out. You may just inspire your girlfriend before it's over...I wish you the best...GOOD LUCK.
  • reenielovesthebeach
    reenielovesthebeach Posts: 98
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    WOW! I just noticed after all the advice I jut gave you that you're actually five years older than I am. You seriously look like a 20-something year old.
  • DMZ_1
    DMZ_1 Posts: 2,889 Member
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    No
  • mjtull
    mjtull Posts: 12 Member
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    When I started running 10 years ago my wife did not object. If I ran for 3 hours on rare occasion she would say where were you. My kids didn't want to run.. at first. Then as they got older they all started running and we had fun doing races together. Now all but the youngest one exercise regularly on there own. I made the right choice set the right example for them even though at first they didn't get it. Even my wife now walks and bikes regularly.One of my sons is a Marine officer.
  • SmexAppeal
    SmexAppeal Posts: 858 Member
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    I have never ended a relationship for this reason, but that's because I wasn't with anyone since I've started my transformation. I have actually decided against dating certain people because they would give me grief about my calorie counting and obssession with exercising 6 days a week. I have a schedule, and anyone who wants to be with me, will have to respect that schedule. This is why I would like to find someone who is also health conscious and would exercise with me! That would be ideal lol.

    As for ending a relationship because of this. I would say if you feel you would want to, it would end regardless. I think for people like us, we need that support here and outside of MFP.
  • piexcore
    piexcore Posts: 85 Member
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    Actually this was a huge reason I broke up with my last boyfriend. Just one of many unhealthy issues that relationship had, but in the end it was the only one that I absolutely couldn't ignore.

    He would make me guilty about going to the gym instead of lying around watching tv with him, constantly want to go out to eat, analyze my food choices and make me feel bad about them, tell me that I was never going to attain my goals anyway, accuse me of being shallow and basically disregarded that fitness was important to me, and trivialized the fact that I was doing something to make myself happier with my body.

    I was much more attractive than him to begin with, and I think most of his reaction stemmed from insecurity but still- if there are people in your life that are unwilling to support you in the lifestyle that you want to pursue, they're toxic and you need to drop them as soon as possible.

    If the person you're with supports you, but has no interest in pursuing a fitness lifestyle I don't see any reason to dump them. If your not attracted to them anymore, that's a conversation that has to be had as delicately as possible, but has to be had. And before you have that conversation you have to really decide if looks are a deal breaker.
  • carriempls
    carriempls Posts: 326 Member
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    Wanting to be healthier and changing some habits is one thing, an obsession is another. I'd wonder where it came from.

    I've never been attracted to the body-builder type because that's simply not me - we'd have little in common.

    I already support my bf in his efforts to become healthier but I'd find it weird if he started spending 3 hours in the gym every day and suddenly wanted to get all ripped. Bleh. Not my style. I'd rather we go for bike rides or hikes together.

    That said, I doubt it would be the end of things. Unless he expected me to spend 3 hours in the gym every day and adopt those habits also.

    All that said, living a healthy lifestyle is important to me. Choosing to be healthy the vast majority of the time is an expectation of mine, so I couldn't work with a couch potato either.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
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    Just break up.
  • Chapter3point6
    Chapter3point6 Posts: 1,233
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    No. I need someone to clean the house! :noway:
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
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    I give you permission to break up with your significant other, if that's what you're looking for.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    No, but my husband tried to undermine me at the beginning. He's the cook and makes dinner every night and would slip in extra butter or cheese or anything else that might throw off the calories for me. So I told him I'd stop eating what he was making and make my own dinner. I also found him a ton of healthy recipes. He decided to start cooking more healthful meals and he enjoyed them, too. Though he was eating 3-4 serving sizes at dinner.

    Then we went through a very stressful several months and he dropped 45 lbs. He felt much better physically and has maintained the loss.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    Yes... and that's why Little Debbie and I stopped seeing each other.......




    .......total *kitten*, by the way.

    It's ok, she still has me.
  • dane11235813
    dane11235813 Posts: 684 Member
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    Just break up.

    damn you're too quick
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    This is not exactly an entirely objective audience. Most people here are "obsessed" with exercise and eating right in comparison to the average person. So don't expect that you're going to get a variety of perspectives.

    My first thought is that working out and eating well is a lifestyle, not a hobby. In other words, it's who you are, not just something you do. You and your SO can have totally different hobbies and still get along fine. But it is very, very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't share your lifestyle. That doesn't mean that the two of you have to do everything together all the time. It just means understanding and respecting each other's goals and purpose because they are essentially the same.

    Secondly, I think you need to be honest about whether or not your SO has a valid complaint. Is your "obsession" with fitness and nutrition interfering with the time you spend with her? When she mentions getting together to do something, do you always have something fitness-related planned that you just aren't willing to give up or reschedule for her? If that's the case, then I don't think it's an issue of her not respecting your lifestyle; I think you either just don't have time for a girlfriend or you're not into this particular girlfriend enough to make the effort.
  • tri10806
    tri10806 Posts: 192 Member
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    I have never ended a relationship for this reason, but that's because I wasn't with anyone since I've started my transformation. I have actually decided against dating certain people because they would give me grief about my calorie counting and obssession with exercising 6 days a week. I have a schedule, and anyone who wants to be with me, will have to respect that schedule. This is why I would like to find someone who is also health conscious and would exercise with me! That would be ideal lol.

    As for ending a relationship because of this. I would say if you feel you would want to, it would end regardless. I think for people like us, we need that support here and outside of MFP.
    Yeah I kinda blew that one asking about ending a relationship because of it! It's really more about choosing not to date someone who isn't into biking, running or some sort of fitness lifestyle in general. When you're young you look for someone to settle down with and raise a family. When you're older and at a different place in life priorities change.

    I sit in an office for 8 hours a day. When my kids are not at home I don't want to leave work and sit in front of a tv or go out spending money on food that isn't good for you. I try to look at food as fuel---why am I eating this? How many calories do I need today? etc. I enjoy getting up early on the weekends to bike or run. I have a lot of friends where both partners are into running or triathlons. I think it's neat to see them out together training or racing. I just don't think I could get involved with someone again where fitness is not an important part of their life.
  • yoovie
    yoovie Posts: 17,121 Member
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    Yes - actually he ended it with me cause he didnt like the change
  • PantalaNagaPampa
    PantalaNagaPampa Posts: 1,031 Member
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    Yes - actually he ended it with me cause he didnt like the change
    Then HE was an effin fool... SUCKER!!

    To the OP, dude if you have to come on here and ask the question, then you already know what you want.

    Compatability needs ot be on many levels, and yes fitness and healthy lifestyles need to be part of that.

    You can love someone and still know they are not right for you.
  • magj0y
    magj0y Posts: 1,911 Member
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    I don't see this so much as a "I hit up the gym a lot and became very aware/obsessed with healthy eating"

    I see it as my life course simply changed, and not for the worse, and she's not on board with it. However, if you're spending very little time with her, she has a legit complaint.

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