How do you know when its time to break it off?

TiffanieRandolph

he says he respects me because i am the only woman in my family that hasnt chosen a man over her kids. so he knows that if it comes down to me having to choose, its the kids. end of discussion.

i understand that men come and go, but its also really scary to think that i could be a 27 year old single mother of four. how attractive is that?

i love him, i do... and i want to make it work... but hes blaming EVERYTHING thats happened within the last 2 weeks on ME ALONE. when i feel betrayed in the first place because leaving would NEVER cross my mind if the tables were turned. im pretty supportive...

It sounds to me that the new situation has him freaked and he is either stressed out about the changes or just not dealing with them. I would say give it some time and see if he comes around or talk to him about it straight out. Get his thoughts and see if there is any wiggle room to make everyone happy.

With that being said, it doesn't matter how many kids you have. Some men don't care if you have none or ten and some wont like you even if it is only one. My husband and I have 1 together and he said if I would have had a child before us he would never have even talked to me. His philosophy is why raise some one elses child... So the opinions of men vary greatly! Sounds to me like you already have a pretty great one since he has already taken to your 2... Like I said.. I would look for a happy median for everyone. I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck!!!!

Davidgettinghealthy

My sympathies for what you are going through. My relationship of close to a year just ended the other day. It was a rough, mutual choice. I have my fingers crossed for you and anyone else going through this.

iFeelBrandNew

i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesn't even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didn't want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

now, any advice for that?

It's not what he signed up for nor is it how he wants his life to be, nor should he need to change, compromise or accept anything because of someones' actions. it is his existence. Plain and simple.
He doesn't want that many children and that much responsibility for something he did not create. Therefore your lives are no longer compatible.

i appreciate this, it sounds like something he would say being the honest man that he is. but he did say he was willing to try, so that means something right?

rml_16

i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesn't even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didn't want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

now, any advice for that?

It's not what he signed up for nor is it how he wants his life to be, nor should he need to change, compromise or accept anything because of someones' actions. it is his existence. Plain and simple.
He doesn't want that many children and that much responsibility for something he did not create. Therefore your lives are no longer compatible.

i appreciate this, it sounds like something he would say being the honest man that he is. but he did say he was willing to try, so that means something right?

Bottom line is, in the end it's not his responsibility and he has no obligation to take it on. He may leave. But he also may decide he loves you enough to stay. Right now, he's in shock. Let the shock wear off before making a decision.

ninerbuff

i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesnt even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didnt want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

now, any advice for that?

For better or for worse. That's the mantra. The worse is hitting and he's bailing.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

iFeelBrandNew

i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesn't even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didn't want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

now, any advice for that?

It's not what he signed up for nor is it how he wants his life to be, nor should he need to change, compromise or accept anything because of someones' actions. it is his existence. Plain and simple.
He doesn't want that many children and that much responsibility for something he did not create. Therefore your lives are no longer compatible.

i appreciate this, it sounds like something he would say being the honest man that he is. but he did say he was willing to try, so that means something right?

Bottom line is, in the end it's not his responsibility and he has no obligation to take it on. He may leave. But he also may decide he loves you enough to stay. Right now, he's in shock. Let the shock wear off before making a decision.

very well said. thank you.

FlamingJune67

I really don't think any of this makes him a bad guy. Are you married? If so, the decision on whether or not to take on your sister's kids should be made together. Raising children who are not your own - especially into their teenaged years - when they are probably experiencing a lot of angst over their mother and absent father(s), can get VERY complicated. This might seem like something you HAVE to do... but understand that it is not that for him. If you are not married than I really cannot blame him at all for not wanting to take on the responsibility of raising your sister's children. What a huge financial and emotional toll that will take... and how will it impact the lives of the future children that he apparently wants. You need to stop... let go of all emotional responses, and have a logical discussion with your SO. Are you financially prepared to raise 4 children? How will you deal with giving them back when the mother is out of prison? What if a father shows up? What if they refuse to accept your authority when they are 11 or 12? Who will be responsible for taking them to prison to see their mother? How will you deal with any emotional and behavioral issues that may arise from a missing parent?
I'm just going to be blunt. Your man is not the bad guy. Your sister is. And the poor kids are stuck in the middle. It is YOUR responsibility to decide what is best for YOUR children. Then (if you chose to remain with your man because he is good for you and your children) the two of you must agree on how to help someone else's children.

iFeelBrandNew

I really don't think any of this makes him a bad guy. Are you married? If so, the decision on whether or not to take on your sister's kids should be made together. Raising children who are not your own - especially into their teenaged years - when they are probably experiencing a lot of angst over their mother and absent father(s), can get VERY complicated. This might seem like something you HAVE to do... but understand that it is not that for him. If you are not married than I really cannot blame him at all for not wanting to take on the responsibility of raising your sister's children. What a huge financial and emotional toll that will take... and how will it impact the lives of the future children that he apparently wants. You need to stop... let go of all emotional responses, and have a logical discussion with your SO. Are you financially prepared to raise 4 children? How will you deal with giving them back when the mother is out of prison? What if a father shows up? What if they refuse to accept your authority when they are 11 or 12? Who will be responsible for taking them to prison to see their mother? How will you deal with any emotional and behavioral issues that may arise from a missing parent?
I'm just going to be blunt. Your man is not the bad guy. Your sister is. And the poor kids are stuck in the middle. It is YOUR responsibility to decide what is best for YOUR children. Then (if you chose to remain with your man because he is good for you and your children) the two of you must agree on how to help someone else's children.

very insightful. we are not married. and the father of these poor babies was shot and killed earlier this year. (they both are a couple of winners as you can see). financially, i'll be fine. i'll be the ones taking them to see her. even though it probably wont be that often considering its a federal charge and there are only a few scattered throughout the US. i wont give the children back until she is stable. that will be court ordered, if they even want to go back to her. i consider myself a pretty good disciplinarian and im probably the only adult these kids respect, because i am consistent. unlike what they are used to.

yes, its my sisters fault. ive been cleaning up her messes my entire ****ing life (pardon the language.) hes not a bad guy at all, hes actually a great guy and he loves all of the kids and wants to see them have awesome lives. but he still wants some of his own. im going to try it out. just throw caution to the wind and go with the flow. that always seemed to help in the past. i severely overthink things all the time. which is the reason for this post i guess. i definitely heard some things i needed to hear, and some things i didnt want to. but in the end it all makes sense. it seems time will tell, and im an impatient person. lol

zombie_porno

Look at it this way... anything worth having is worth working for. So if you really want to be with this person, you keep trying until THEY give up or until it no longer brings you personal joy & fulfillment. You don't just break it off because things get rough. The comments saying "If it's hard, it's not worth it" are the mentality that explain why we have such an insanely high divorce rate now. Nobody wants to work for anything. But think about it... you're on a fitness site. That shows you know you need to WORK to achieve your goals. Same concept in a relationship.

iFeelBrandNew

i guess its way more complicated than that. its been 3 years of greatness (with little downs of course) but to make a long story short, things are about to change, drastically.

i have 2 children of my own. he has none. my sister is going to prison for 10 years and that leaves me with her children (7 and 5).

he told me the other day that he never wanted that many kids, and doesnt even have any of his own yet. he confessed he wanted 3. he accepted my children, but now 2 more?

ive been an insecure wreck (basically thinking that hes already gone) just because he TOLD me that he didnt want the brady bunch. so the last two weeks have been hell.

now, any advice for that?

For better or for worse. That's the mantra. The worse is hitting and he's bailing.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

this is really what it feels like... and also the way i think.

Tangerine302

Since it sounds like it's pretty new news, I would just see how things go. Initial reactions sometimes aren't the ones long term. It's a lot to take, a lot to think about, etc. I'm sure for you too. Going from 2 to 4, figuring out how everything is going to work out within your household, etc. I would say just do what you need to do for the kids. Time will tell whether everyone will be included in the raising part. I just want to say thank you for having such a good heart to take care of your sister's kids. I'm sure it means the world to them. To be that young and to have to go through something like this certainly is a scare, shock, etc. Knowing that their aunt is caring for them I'm sure gives them hope and security.

I would say just give it time to settle. It may work out very nicely!
Take care and hugs to you!

iFeelBrandNew

Look at it this way... anything worth having is worth working for. So if you really want to be with this person, you keep trying until THEY give up or until it no longer brings you personal joy & fulfillment. You don't just break it off because things get rough. The comments saying "If it's hard, it's not worth it" are the mentality that explain why we have such an insanely high divorce rate now. Nobody wants to work for anything. But think about it... you're on a fitness site. That shows you know you need to WORK to achieve your goals. Same concept in a relationship.

this is perfect. you are absolutely right. i guess no relationship is sunshine and flowers all the time...

iFeelBrandNew

Since it sounds like it's pretty new news, I would just see how things go. Initial reactions sometimes aren't the ones long term. It's a lot to take, a lot to think about, etc. I'm sure for you too. Going from 2 to 4, figuring out how everything is going to work out within your household, etc. I would say just do what you need to do for the kids. Time will tell whether everyone will be included in the raising part. I just want to say thank you for having such a good heart to take care of your sister's kids. I'm sure it means the world to them. To be that young and to have to go through something like this certainly is a scare, shock, etc. Knowing that their aunt is caring for them I'm sure gives them hope and security.

I would say just give it time to settle. It may work out very nicely!
Take care and hugs to you!

thank you so much. time is obviously what i need.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

no one, but you can answer that question. How much it is worth to you? How much does the bad outweigh the good or vice versa? Could you see yourself without this person for the rest of your life? Could you see yourself with them for the rest of your life? Is there any room for compromises from both parties, etc.? Have you flat out asked him if he is gone once the other 2 children move in or are you making assumptions?

i assume he'll be gone. he says he wants to see how it goes, but im such a pessimist that i only see what could potentially happen on the negative side of things. plus, my attitude lately totally sucks since ive put my walls back up upon hearing that he 50/50 supports me. i understand that in a relationship, although it is a partnership you have to do whats best for yourself. and im not thinking that whats best for him is me anymore. i guess i feel like i would be holding him back now.

at this point, you need to do not what is bst for you, but for the 4 kids involved. You don't want someone in and out of their lives, especially your sisters kids who will be, if aren't already going through enough.

djsupreme6

well hard to say what's gonna happen...but I do believe its whatever is in the kids best interest...I can only imagine what they're going and have gone through...if it were me...there would be no talk or anything needed...they're coming and i'm gonna do my best to support her and all the kids involved...I call it unconditional

idaman76

Just remember...if you truly love someone, let them go. If they don't come back, go find them and kill 'em.

I think I'll take that advice myself lmao

ValerieMartini2Olives

Once you get the feeling... it's over. There's no rectifying.