Alcoholics in your life? Anyone?

Cordy_in_CT

I'm realizing (well, I've known for a few years) that my brother is an alcoholic. I'm learning how much this disease affects everyone in the family. Although he is a "highly functioning" alcoholic, he is an alcoholic all the same (in my opinion). He is controlling, and I feel a pit in my stomach, as our family is undergoing some sort of "shift." It feels like things have come to a head, and that in the future we will not be as close. There is a divide happening, and it's scary and the unknown is stressing me out. It's only me, my mom and my brother, so it's not like I have a bunch of other siblings.

I just started reading a book about Al-anon, and what it can do for friends and families of alcoholics.

How do you deal with an alcoholic reasonably and rationally, when the disease itself makes the person unreasonable and irrational???

It's hard for me to wrap my brain around this ugly disease. I hate it more than cancer.

Open to any thoughts from anyone who has an alcoholic family member, on how to "deal" and how to NOT let it bring me down, and affect my life negatively.

Thanks. :frown:

ktied

Both of my parents are, and I'm still living at home with them. It's a struggle everyday. They are mean most of the time (at least my father, lash out, say awful things. I've tried to help, but I am just their stupid daughter who is defiant. I mean, who cares if they drink half a handdle of rum or vodka a night...they get up in the morning and go to work. I deal with it by saying to myself that I cant change them, only change my reactions to them. I dont give them reactions anymore. They don't even know me, but if they wanna drink themselves into oblivion every night, that's on them, not me. I'm tired of trying to help people who don't care. It's sad but maybe they'll see how estranged they are, or they'll get to a point they want to change.

rcalvert1

Both my parents are also alcholics. They are divorced and have been since I was 2, Im 39 now. They were also kids when they had me and both had troublesome childhoods. The way I have dealt with them is I moved far away (wasnt my intention at the time). I also dont make it a habit to answer the phone after 7pm, as I know they are well on their way to drunken-ness. I have tried to cut them out of my life and gave them the 'choice' to quit drinking or not have me in their lives. Needless to say that didnt work. It hurts to think that my own parents have choosen the bottle over me and their grandchildren. I have learned to accept them as they are and have put restrictions on when we interact. This is the best I have come up with. Unfortunately, my father is on the brink of death (he is almost 57) with liver failure and COPD. He still chooses to indulge. My mother, is still drinking and has many health issues as well, not quite on the brink of death but will die young, Im sure. Both were also functioning alcoholics up until about 7yrs ago.

My only advice is to think of yourself, you cannot and will not change them. Accept them for who they are and limit your time with them. I know it hurts to see them this way but its their choice not yours. You have to come to terms with this situation. I know it has greatly affected me with my weight and it wasnt until I finally came to the realization that I need to think of myself first that things have turned around.

I would also like to mention that from a very young age I realized that I didnt want to be like them regarding alcohol among other things. Alcoholism can be a heriterary thing and have watched myself closely when it comes to drinking. I drink but not often and not to the point where Im out of control and dont remember things.

I hope my story helps. Just remember you are not alone. There are way more of us than you know. Im happy to hear you are seeking support. I wish you well, keep your chin up and dont let this control you. Just remember, you are in control, not them and their additions. Good luck.

lombrica

My brother is an alcoholic... but, he's no longer "higher functioning." In the last 3 months? There was a night and day change... when I look at him I struggle between the 8 year old girl that worshipped her brother, the ground he walked on, thought that the sun rose and set by him.... and the adult social worker, previous drug & alcohol counselor seeing him as the Drunk that he is. Because, he's no longer "just" an alcoholic - he's taken on the life of a "drunk." My problem? I DO understand the disease. Part of me wants to be angry, part of me wants to shut him out, part of me knows it's a disease, part of me recognizes what (few) positive things he does, it's sooooo frustrating!

Just last week -- he was my struggle. I basically gave up on my week in regard to eating and exercise because the stress of him was just too much. He had come to stay at my house (4 hrs from his own) so he could go to a job interview... he knows that I have a rule for him - no drinking in my home (he flooded my basement by passing out in the bathtub while the water was running, $8-9000 of repairs later and not a penny to help from him). So - he stopped. For the interview and staying at my home. But - that, I knew, would lead to a risk of seizures... because he's so bad that he has been having the seizures every time he detoxes for the last few years. And, sure enough he had a couple - which led me to taking him to the hospital because the confusion, disorientation, hallucinations, etc. wouldn't clear as they have before... Anyway - the stress was crazy. I felt anxious the entire time he was in the hospital, when he discharged back to my home, etc. He went back to his home on Thursday and yesterday (Saturday) I finally found that stress/anxiety disappating...

Anyway... long story but I guess what I'm sharing is that I "get" it... Unfortunately, sadly I get it... If you want a friend here on MFP who "gets" it - feel free to send me a FR. It does impact the entire family... I have 4 brothers, and it impacts each of us differently - but they all figure (as does my mother) that I'll deal with it... so, they can slough it off in a way that I can't. But - I'm happy to support you with it and probably cry on your shoulder some too...

Al-Anon... great support and resource!

HurricaneElaine

I have a younger brother (he's 44) who is a non-functioning, unemployed and unemployable, stinking fall-down DRUNK. He swills down a fifth of 100 proof schnapps every night until he passes out. Never bathes. Calls us late at night, out of his freaking mind, making no sense. He's broken both arms in two separate falls in the past four years. Goes to rehab, "spins dry" and gets back out to drink again. Collects his BS disability check every month and blows it on booze, fast food and cigarettes. He weighs over 300 pounds and is only five foot ten; his gut alone must weigh a hundred pounds. He disgusts me. I have no sympathy for him at all. He's stolen from our mother and me countless times. The worst time, while I was unemployed, I was in the computer room job-searching, and he went into my room, stole my bank card and car keys, stole my CAR and drove to the liquor store, bought his booze with my card, came back and put my card back in my purse, and I didn't find out until the next day when my account wasn't balancing. I confronted him and he actually tried to kill me. Pinned me in the computer chair, his forearm across my neck, so hard I couldn't breathe. To this day, I don't know why he stopped, but he did.

Thank God he's out of the house now. With all his lies, he gets a monthly disability check AND a section 8 apartment.

A**hole. I really freaking hate him.

Pinkigloopyxie

I live in Wisconsin. Everyone here is an alcoholic. Technically I'm an alcoholic even if I only drink once every three months or so, because when I drink I have about 6-8 in one night.

It feels great but I long ago decided I didn't want to have to use any substances to be happy. I wanted to see if one could life without any crutches. Sadly though, I'm still addicted to food!

I want to cuddle a lot when drunk which is awkward because IRL I don't touch people. Plus it messes with my emotions. Anyways, my mom's last bf was an alcoholic, all all she and her friends did for fun besides scrapbooking was go out to bars. My mom rarely drank and was the designated driver, but she was really outgoing and never really had to. Still, most of my friends are alcoholics, most people I know are alcoholics. Yeah.

caribougal

I highly recommend Al-Anon. I hated it at first, and resented that the alcoholic in my life was causing me to go to the meetings. It felt sort of cult-y to me. Lots of people saying the same things. But, when I was really hurting, it really helped me. Over time, it helped me learn how to live with the alcoholic, love him, and recognize that I could do nothing to help him until he was ready to change. Al-Anon helped me to recognize my own behaviors that either enabled him or just served to make me crazy.

It didn't matter how much I threatened, cried, screamed, or begged my alcoholic to change. His addiction distorted his thinking. My threats drove him to outpatient rehab several times, but he was always able to talk the counsellors out of putting him in in-patient rehab. He might stop drinking for a few months, but always picked up again and was worse each time. It's a progressive disease.

Ultimately, he drank to the point one day where I couldn't get him to respond. I called 911 and the medics were able to rouse him. His blood alcohol level was way past lethal, and something only a hard-core alcoholic could survive. I was able to convince the hospital psychiatrist that he needed a referral for in-patient rehab. They put him in the psych ward at the local hospital- no shoe laces, the whole bit. It mortified him and was a pretty big wake-up call. Even after he was discharged from the hospital, and had called the rehab center, and had even driven to visit it, he didn't go. Four days later I found him drunk, but still conscious. I put him in the car and drove him to rehab, with him crying the whole way. He spent the first few days there in detox. Then slowly improved over the next 30 days.

I'm truly lucky that he has been sober since the day I drove him in. That was 4.5 years ago. Most people relapse a few times, but so far he hasn't.

I can't give you advice. All I can say is that Al-Anon helped me through that. And, chances are his drinking will worsen, and there's very little you or your family can do except to resist enabling it. It's awful to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves, and yes, they often also create family rifts and resentment. But you are in control of how you deal with it, and that's about it. Good luck, and feel free to message me if you want.

Irish_eyes75

Several members of my family are alcoholics including my grandmother, several of my aunts and uncles (I have 10 and they all had a pretty rough upbringing), my brother and my father- my father has been sober for 20 years, my brother is not.
I don't speak to my brother, my father takes him over to play with my niece and nephews but I never will allow him to spend the night. He is violent and mean and he disgusts me. I have no sympathy for him whatsoever.

I won't debate the "alcoholism is a disease" thing with you but I just can't wrap my head around your statement "I hate it more than cancer" I've lost 2 very special people in my life to cancer and I wish it was my brother in the box 6 feet under instead of them. You cannot control cancer. You CAN chose to stop drinking, you CAN chose to never start drinking, you CAN chose to get help for what troubles you have in your life that make you turn to alcohol. I don't mean to sound insensitive and like i said I love many people who struggle with it but it is not something that just happens to people - ultimately it is a choice.

caribougal

I won't debate the "alcoholism is a disease" thing with you but I just can't wrap my head around your statement "I hate it more than cancer"

I can't speak for the person who wrote that, but I can understand it. Cancer is awful. It kills people you love. But it's tangible. You can see it. Cut it out. Hit it with chemo. Radiation. It's not socially reprehensible to be sick with it. Or die from it. If you have it, you may be pitied, but you won't be hated, shunned, feel worthless, weak, and ashamed.

Like diabetes, you may be genetically predisposed to it if you have a parent or grandparent who is/was alcoholic. It's why some people can abuse alcohol without being addicted and others can't. Go to any AA meeting and you will hear the same story over end over. Most will say their problem started as a kid, with that first drink. Many alcoholics really become addicted as teens, and their psychological development gets thwarted. They stop learning how to cope with life stresses, which only increase, because they drink to cope.

Alcoholism affects all organs, and also the brain. The alcoholic brain is NOT normal, and that's part of why it's a disease. It's chronic and progressive. It only gets worse or the person stops drinking. There's usually no way to moderate drinking for an alcoholic. It's all or nothing.

Yes, it's a choice. But an alcoholic brain and body is not good at making logical or rational choices. Everything in the alcoholics body and brain is telling them to drink. The addiction drives every thought. To overcome that is a huge feat. Some people do. Some don't. And usually it requires time forcibly separated from regular life (rehab) to even begin to achieve it.

It sucks. I totally appreciate your feelings!

Themuseinme

Keep your distance!!!'best thing you can do besides not enabling him.
My ex husband, my step daughter and now my grandbaby are all alcoholics. I hate that disese but love them. Two of the three are not in my life anymore . I had to learn to draw boundaries.When these were broached with my ex i left.

With my stepdaughter it was harder-i felt like i was abandoning her, but actually just left things in her ball park. I had to let her finally know that I didnt want her in my life unless/until she learned to respect me.I knwo ive done all that i could to help her and that is all one can do.I miss ehr but i am actually better off withoout her as my emotions arent pulled so up n down continually, and no doubt i deserve respect. if i dont take it from other people then i shouldnt take it from her. She was flabbergasted at first and said THE meanest stuff ever, n believe me theres been plenty of mean before, making it even easier.

My grandbaby,22, let me know that she too is one. same scenario ive done all i can to help her-set her up with good therapist, agve her books to read etc. the tendency to rescue her was a lil more pronounced but have done so. she had lived here with me til 2 months ago. my emotions were tore up all the time as there was consistent drama. When she stepped on my computer and broke it i made it a necessity as part of rule to continue abiding here to see a counselor and take B vitamins and/or mood stabilizers.. It ended up she did see the therapist-but still lied all the time.In her case she was using the money saved by living here free to support her boyfriend and both of them drink. she never got the reasoning that it was the supporting him by our niceness and just thought we hated him. she supposedly broke up with him-but months later i found out she was lying about seeing him, i told her she needed to pick a date in the future for when ahe would be out of my house. she of course took this the wrong way-she didnt like me cutting her off, and left prematurely.
i told her it would last a week with him and it dd,one week.she;s now in another state and i am so happy about it.

so i emphatize its really hard to let go of our loved oens but we are better off. we can just hope soemday they will understand and sober up.

its funny while praying my heart out for an answer about my grandbaby i dreamt i was hanging onto an ambulance while it tossed and turned me while it was recklessly speeding!!! how true-just tossing n turning my emotions and "taking me for a ride"she's in another state now.and i feel soo much ebtter, she's still in my life but distanced-a necessary but harsh reality .

I read a great book which i reccoemnd it is "Children of alcoholics". it explains how and why they lie etc. It gave me more compassion but confirmation of my decisions to distance as right. read all of meloddie beatties books on codependcy too ! The. best of luck to you! Put yourself first!! and distance with capital "D" till he's in recovery.

the dsiease makes their victims evil and hateful.it hurts others deeply. but you will be fine soon.dont feel guilty either!!

Themuseinme

Keep your distance!!!'best thing you can do besides not enabling him.
My ex husband, my step daughter and now my grandbaby are all alcoholics. I hate that disese but love them. Two of the three are not in my life anymore . I had to learn to draw boundaries.When these were broached with my ex i left.

With my stepdaughter it was harder-i felt like i was abandoning her, but actually just left things in her ball park. I had to let her finally know that I didnt want her in my life unless/until she learned to respect me.I knwo ive done all that i could to help her and that is all one can do.I miss ehr but i am actually better off withoout her as my emotions arent pulled so up n down continually, and no doubt i deserve respect. if i dont take it from other people then i shouldnt take it from her. She was flabbergasted at first and said THE meanest stuff ever, n believe me theres been plenty of mean before, making it even easier.

My grandbaby,22, let me know that she too is one. same scenario ive done all i can to help her-set her up with good therapist, agve her books to read etc. the tendency to rescue her was a lil more pronounced , i did some for awhile, but eventually quit, she had lived here with me til 2 months ago. on and off for a year or two, my emotions were tore up all the time as there was consistent drama. When she stepped on my computer and broke it i made it a necessity as part of rule to continue abiding here to see a counselor and take B vitamins and/or mood stabilizers.. It ended up she did see the therapist-but still lied all the time.In her case she was using the money saved by living here free to support her boyfriend and both of them drink. she never got the reasoning that it was the supporting him by our niceness and just thought we hated him. she supposedly broke up with him-but months later i found out she was lying about seeing him, i told her she needed to pick a date in the future for when ahe would be out of my house. she of course took this the wrong way-she didnt like me cutting her off, and left prematurely.
i told her it would last a week with him and it dd,one week.she;s now in another state and i am so happy about it.She may not understand yet and still think we are controlling but someday she will realize how much we (husband and I) love her.

so i emphatize its really hard to let go of our loved oens but we are better off. we can just hope soemday they will understand and sober up.

its funny while praying my heart out for an answer about my grandbaby i dreamt i was hanging onto an ambulance while it tossed and turned me while it was recklessly speeding!!! how true-just tossing n turning my emotions and "taking me for a ride"she's in another state now.and i feel soo much ebtter, she's still in my life but distanced-a necessary but harsh reality .

I read a great book which i reccoemnd it is "Children of alcoholics". it explains how and why they lie etc. It gave me more compassion but confirmation of my decisions to distance as right. read all of meloddie beatties books on codependcy too ! The. best of luck to you! Put yourself first!! and distance with capital "D" till he's in recovery.

the dsiease makes their victims evil and hateful.it hurts others deeply. but you will be fine soon.dont feel guilty either!!

DaintyAngelDreams

My dads an alchoholic... and after years of all of us, trying to talk to him, make him understand he needs help... still doesn't listen... So even though its very sad, I just think that he IS an adult, and it is HIS choice... no one can help him if he isn't willing to help himself. You can't let youself feel guilty for not being able to save them, or feel as though it is your fault... remind yourself that the day he is ready to come for help, you WILL give it... but you can't lose yourself trying to rescue him when he isn't interested in trying. You have to learn to be strong enough to not let it take over you, and remember that this is HIS problem, not yours... that doesn't mean it doesn't affect you or that you aren't allowed to help, it just means that it isn't your fault and shouldn't allow it to drastically alter your life.

No-one likes to see their loved one's suffer, let him know you are their to help when he is ready to truly accept it.

skylark94

My dad was an alcoholic. He died about 4 years ago when his cirrhotic liver hemorrhaged. Alcohol had cost him his job, house, marriage, and his pride.

There is no reasoning with an alcoholic. My dad was a genius (member of Mensa), a published author, a talented watch maker, and a fantastic stained glass artist. None of those smarts were of any help once he started drinking. It took me several years to learn that I could not fix him and that I needed to focus on fixing and protecting myself.

Cordy_in_CT

Thanks everyone for your stories, and support. It's comforting knowing that I'm not alone. It's such a sad thing - that I can see rips families apart.

Cordy_in_CT

I won't debate the "alcoholism is a disease" thing with you but I just can't wrap my head around your statement "I hate it more than cancer" I've lost 2 very special people in my life to cancer and I wish it was my brother in the box 6 feet under instead of them. You cannot control cancer.

I'm definitely sorry if I offended you with this statement. I've lost several people in my life to cancer as well - and it SUCKS. I guess what I meant is that cancer is "concrete" and alcoholism seems "elusive" - meaning hard to deal with, cause you can't talk reasonably about it to the alcoholic. Anyway, I totally hate Cancer, and wish a cure would be found soon. I understand what you're saying about a "choice" to drink or not - and a cancer patient definitely does not have a choice. Good point.

Tank_Girl

My late father in law although I never met him... My husbands brother, one of my husbands sisters.. My husband was on verge of alcoholism when I met him, I got pretty close to becoming one myself but ive dragged my husband away from the drink with him kicking and screaming the whole way.. He now only drinks a few cans at the weekend
the diet has made me more accountable for my lifestyle Pp

cakeordeath

MY oldest daughter's father is one as well... we had to cut ties with him becasue everyone else in his life helps him to continue to drink< and when he does he doesnt care who he hurts (mostly he keeps it directed at himself). There is nothing you can do but not help enable him, they have to hit rock bottom. Maybe stage an intervention, or talk to him about gtting help?

serenitynowww

I grew up in a house with two alcoholics - my Aunt and Uncle and was raised by my Grandmother. Both of them managed to keep jobs but my Aunt in paticular was paticularly abusive and violent. We didn't have a lot of money and what we did have, was mostly spent on booze and cigarettes and I partially blame this upbringing on why I have such a poor relationship with food.

When I turned 18 and managed to get into University, I moved three hours from home and rarely visited as I didn't want to deal with my Aunt's abuse anymore (my Uncle had died of cancer by this point) and I couldn't deal with how she treated my grandmother. This avoidance meant that the one person I loved most in the world, my grandmother, was no longer really in my life due to my Aunt's alcoholism.

I feel that alcohol robbed me of my relationship with my Grandmother and still regret the lack of time I got to spend with her in her final years - she passed away in October 2010 and I have not seen or spoken to my Aunt since the day of the funeral. I blame her for sending my Nan to an early grave and making her life miserable, and I'll never forget it.

Cordy_in_CT

I won't debate the "alcoholism is a disease" thing with you but I just can't wrap my head around your statement "I hate it more than cancer"

I can't speak for the person who wrote that, but I can understand it. Cancer is awful. It kills people you love. But it's tangible. You can see it. Cut it out. Hit it with chemo. Radiation. It's not socially reprehensible to be sick with it. Or die from it. If you have it, you may be pitied, but you won't be hated, shunned, feel worthless, weak, and ashamed.

Like diabetes, you may be genetically predisposed to it if you have a parent or grandparent who is/was alcoholic. It's why some people can abuse alcohol without being addicted and others can't. Go to any AA meeting and you will hear the same story over end over. Most will say their problem started as a kid, with that first drink. Many alcoholics really become addicted as teens, and their psychological development gets thwarted. They stop learning how to cope with life stresses, which only increase, because they drink to cope.

Alcoholism affects all organs, and also the brain. The alcoholic brain is NOT normal, and that's part of why it's a disease. It's chronic and progressive. It only gets worse or the person stops drinking. There's usually no way to moderate drinking for an alcoholic. It's all or nothing.

Yes, it's a choice. But an alcoholic brain and body is not good at making logical or rational choices. Everything in the alcoholics body and brain is telling them to drink. The addiction drives every thought. To overcome that is a huge feat. Some people do. Some don't. And usually it requires time forcibly separated from regular life (rehab) to even begin to achieve it.

It sucks. I totally appreciate your feelings!

Thanks for your comments here. You definitely summed it up well, and it helps me understand more how and why it's a "disease." - in quotations, or not. :ohwell:

TrailRunner61

You may need to distance yourself from them. Don't feel guilty if you do because your mental and physical health are important! All you can do is try to support their efforts, IF it ever happens, to stop drinking, don't EVER enable them by giving them money or alcohol and live one day at a time. It's heartbreaking but they have to make the choice themselves to stop. Some will, some want to, some never will and many die from it. It is a disease and sadly it affects us all.
I pray that they get help, you get any help you need coping with this, and big <hugs> for what you're going through.

Bentley2718

It's easy to deal with it--just don't. I have several relatives with substance abuse issues, and my solution is to keep these people at arms length (or further depending on the person). In one case I don't have any contact with the person, in others, I have only very limited contact. I work hard enough to keep my own s**t together, if you aren't interested in keeping yours together, then you're not going to be a close part of my life. Harsh? Maybe. Necessary? Yes.