Alcoholics in your life? Anyone?

MFPBrandy

I am so sorry for your situation. I have several alcoholics in my family, three generations, all functioning, and all enabling and reinforcing each other. It's been that way for decades, and isn't likely to change unless one of them becomes non-functioning or gets in a drunk-driving accident and serves as a wake-up call. My grandfather did cut back considerably for medical reasons, so now it's two generations. I'm always surprised at the lengths they'll go to in order to ensure alcohol is available at every event (including a non-drinker's morning baby shower), but since they're doing it together, and the kids (now adults themselves) see their parents and aunts and uncles doing it, it's "normal." I'm the weird one for just having a single glass of wine with dinner.
My situation is so different, though, because I have more family, we're more spread apart (unless I happen to be living close by, I only get to visit every couple years), and I'm not especially close with the heavy drinkers (I just can't be, as much as I'd like to). It's much easier for me to distance myself. I can't imagine having it be just you, your mom, and your brother. Does your mom also see that your brother is an alcoholic? Perhaps the two of you can join Al-Anon together. You may find the support really helpful -- especially if you're feeling like it's your job to "fix" him.

Amberonamission

I am going to read all of this when I am in a good place.. Cuz I think it is important to my life to see other peoples stories.

Both my parents, my husband and best friend are alcoholics. I rarely drink at all. Mostly because of this dreadful feeling of always needing to be responsible for the drinkers. My constant fear of "what if something goes wrong?".

I am trying to break away from all of them. I know there is no way to ever convince any of them to quit. I search for sober people (from alcohol, drugs, and food) to surround myself with. It would be a gift to have someone in my life to enjoy this journey with.

danaweston

I would recommend that you read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous- especially the chapter called "More About Alcoholism"
and " The Family Afterward ". This book will give you insight into the disease and methods you can use for yourself. There are usually copies at Half Price Bookstores. You could pick one up at an open AA meeting in your town. There, you will be welcomed and information would be given in a warm friendly way. Take the Action.

pixtotts

wow... this is a lot of writing... sorry...
im really sorry to hear your having to go through this.
i can give you no advice on how to deal with it, except dont give in! never give in. Hopefully you can get it before it goes too far. I'll tell you my story and maybe theres something you can pick up on that can help in some way maybe :S. One piece of advice i do want to give though is dont let it affect your life, yes it will a bit, but dont let it ruin it, my uncle ruined so much of ours.

Keith, my uncle, is an alcoholic, ... when i was 7 he got married for the 2nd time, she worked behind the bar in the pub up the road thats how they met... as a child i thought if Keith wasnt at my nans he was at said pub. They went on to have two daughters, when my aunt ended up leaving him she said it was like having 3 toddlers having Keith there aswel.
Then my nan made the biggest mistake of her life... she said he could live there. He was her son, her little boy, of course she let him back, they did everything for him got him into rehab, got him seeing specialists...but nothing made any difference. He was the big wedge in the family my nan went from being my main carer to someone i saw only christmas and birthdays, it sounds silly but it changed me, when i was 7 was the last time i was skinny, i developed a fear of school and was depressed and suicidal by the time i was in high school. My sister was born after he moved back there she never really got to have a relationship with my nan even though we live just a field apart. My other uncle who also lived at home and my grandad would come round with bruises where Keith got angry and pushed them. They had to lock anything alcoholic or expensive in the shed and someone always had to stay home to make sure he didnt do something stupid, my nan couldnt drive so that person became her... this is relevant stick with me... My Nanny died while i was at university, she had deep vein thrombosis from doing the equivalent of a long haul flight every day making sure my uncle didnt destroy the place.
Then he got so bad, the police had to be involved, he was smashing windows, and drink driving, he was endangering so many lives, my grandad threw him out and he ended up in prison. My grandad and my other uncle now have a lock on every single door in the house so even if he broke in he couldnt get any further than that room. They are paranoid.

We have nothing to do with him now apart from what we wish we didnt... he phones my aunt every few months asking for money or saying he's dying and wants to bring the family back together... then he gets drunker and they turn to abuse, or he turns up on the door step of my grandads or a family friends so drunk he's wet himself been sick down himself its revolting. This last time my dad had to give him a lift home (just so we know he wont be causing trouble), our car over heated and my uncle kept saying to my dad "you should see my brother he's a mechanic, he'd fix it for you".... my dads that brother... he was a mechanic 24 years ago! He didnt even recognise his own brother... its just sad. He's a sad sad man, who has no interest in giving up the drink... rehab and a stint in prison didnt help him i dont think anything will

sorry its a doom and gloom story, but maybe as others have said you can distance yourself a bit.

Bookchick887

The 1st step of the famous 12 step AA list is to 'admit you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable.'
This is not just a statement for the alcoholic but for us, too.
We are powerless over alcohol, too. Our lives have become unmanageable, too.

tlroesch72

I have dealt with many alcoholics, I am a recovering alcoholic myself. Alanon can help. You can only take care of yourself, pray for your brother. There is hope for him, I see alcoholics get sober and their lives change everyday. It's a beautiful thing.

addaline22

this is a a tricky ground to cover. I'm one, but because I had better things in my life to choose over getting drunk, I stoped drinking. Alot of people use alcohol to 'relieve the stress' ect, and what they really need is a therapist and doctor so they can get their seritonin levels checked and I would bet you a dollar he is severly depressed, with low seritonin levels. the booze balances it out. Horray for chemistry.

how ever, this is something he has to choose for him self.

Frozen300

My dad was an alcoholic, his liver filled his guts with bile and he died on the toilet when his kidneys shut down. I personally have a crown and coke almost nightly, but I VERY rarely get drunk. I have no problem with moderation, but I am very aware of how easy it is to become a "functioning drunk".

gingersnapx00

OMG I have lived with 2 alcoholic parents ALL MY LIFE and it sucked! I always wondered if they were going to get home ok from a restaurant we would go to or a family get together. I was almost killed in a car accident b/c my drunk mother drove all three of us kids down the wrong side of the ****ing road. We were left home with a drunk step dad who would make us eat **** off the floor as kids if we dropped stuff. I got the hell out of there at 17 and got married and started my own family. Even as an older adult looking back they were still in denial they had a problem. So when it came to asking me if I would let their grandkids come over to play or spend the night or even drive them anywhere we ALL had to tell them NO. It was then my mom realized how alone she really was with this disease and that we were not gonna let her or her husband take our kids down with them. This disease has kept me from knowing really who my mom is b/c ever since I was born she was like this. I hope one day I will. But all I do is take it a day at a time and take baby steps in trusting her. Its hard I wish she would go back to rehab.

Kath712

Sorry you are going through this. It's really hard to separate the person from the addiction. I attended Al-Anon many years ago, due to my mom's alcoholism. It really helped me; I highly recommend it. Eventually (after 15 years, I waited too long), I had to draw the line. I told my mom and dad that if they wanted to have a relationship with me, my husband and kids, then they had to do something about it. I wrote them a reallllly long letter, explaining my position, since I knew they wouldn't listen to me. I even made an appointment for them at a rehab clinic. They chose not to attend. So, that was it. I have a very limited relationship with them, just see them at family functions with my brothers. It's been 8 years since I drew the line, and I am so much happier. No more drama. I met with a counselor, and her advice was don't give ultimatums you can't carry out. Well, I did carry it out, and I'm much stronger for it.

I just wanted to tell you my story to give you some perspective on what worked for me. I definitely waited too long before taking a stance. I put up with too many emergencies (ambulances, trips to ER) due to my mother's addiction. Only you can decide what you are willing to do. But first and foremost, you have to protect yourself. You can't change the alcoholic - only he can. Best of luck to you! :flowerforyou:

Stinkerbelle84

My dad is a functioning alcoholic, though he just considers himself to be a heavy drinker. Dad drunk and Dad sober are two VERY different people. It is really starting to take a toll on our family though. He had a particularly exhausting episode last night, and I am far too tired to write about it at this point. I do want to bump this thread for later this evening though. It is heartbreaking (yet comforting) to see that there are so many people in the same situation.

foxyforce

definitely go to a support group.

and just remember that no matter what promises your brother makes, he will only change when he is ready to change. support helps, but him signing his life away to a treatment facility because "this is the only way i can do it", he has to really really want to change.

i am sorry to hear this.

Cordy_in_CT

So amazed at how many lives are touched by this. Thanks again everyone for your very personal stories. I have read each one, and have said my own little prayer for each of you, and for the alcoholics in your lives.

melleyd

Try the Al-Anon meetings, face to face or online. I have done both and it really does help. Usually we are sick too. We have enabled, tried to control, etc etc. My daughter is an alcoholic. She is in recovery. But what I am learning is that I cannot do this thing for her, she has to do it herself. She recently had to leave our home and she is now homeless. This is the hardest thing I have ever done but I know it's what she needs. I have to stop "taking care of her". She is 22 years old and if she wants to get better, she will. And if she doesn't, she won't and there is nothing I can do about it either way. Let go and let God. It's very difficult, this is the hardest time in my life. I know it is for her too. Detaching with love is what I'm learning about now. I feel like I'm being ripped in half and I am grieving but I feel more peace now that I have been letting go. And it's good for her too. She will gain her own sense of self worth as she does this thing. And I can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Feel free to message or friend me. This is a tough thing and support is essential!

melleyd

Another thing, if your brother or anyone else you know goes to an AA meeting, go with them! You will see another side of this disease. A good side. The people are amazing and awesome. I have went to two open meetings with my daughter and I always leave with new information and a new understanding of what these people are fighting.

You can go to any open meeting. You don't even have to go with someone you know. The people are tremendous and so loving, they will not mind one bit that you are there. They will welcome you, just make sure it's an open meeting.

LadyPersia

What a great mantra. I have no answers though. Just support and a listening ear.

pinksparklevapor1965

my goodness Im sealing with 2 alcoholics.. and its not pretty I just have to lean on the Lord and let Him help me

Bufite

My best friend is an alcoholic and hast lost 2 jobs because of it. Her fiance is a functioning alcoholic and hasn't stopped drinking and getting drunk in front of her since she started rehap. Alanon has helped her a lot.

I didn't keep her at arms length because her parents are hateful and she only had me really, but what I did do was make it very clear that I wouldn't condone her drinking. When she said at dinner that she was going to "just have one glass of wine", I told her that I couldn't stay in the restaurant with her if she wasn't going to take her treatment seriously. It sort of works, but it's an awfully long journey and I'm not convinced that she's not going to relapse at some point.

jenilla1

This is going to sound mean, but I avoid toxic people - including addicts, their enablers, and other abusive/manipulating/controlling types - completely. They are not in my life. I surround myself with positive people as much as possible and I am a happier person for it. I harbor no ill will to the people I've left behind, but they have set their priorities and I have set mine. :flowerforyou:

bimpski

one of life's hardest lessons is learning that we cannot change others. we can only change how we react to them. i urge you to go to al-anon.

nadiB

I know this is the worst feeling if somebody you care about is knowingly slowly killing themselves, trust me I know this feeling well. It is important to understand that they choose to do this, they probably enjoy drinking and being drunk (just like those who smoke enjoy it and choose to do it). Now if he is actually harming others and a danger when he is drunk then something needs to be done BUT if his drinking only hurts the feeling of those around him but he is working, not abusive and does not do things like drink and drive then it is really selfish (I know this is not a popular idea) for anybody to want to make him change, even if you think it is in his best interest it might be a really painful and possibly lifelong struggle that you are making him go through. You have to just love him around this issue. I know this is not a easy way to think about it and deal with is but this way of thinking changed my life and made me love themm even when they are silly and drunk or don't understand what I am trying to say or forgets it all in the morning.

caraiselite

my parents are.

roachhaley

My mom is an alcoholic. We all know it has ruined our family (debt, stress, hate etc) but we all act like everything is fine.

There's so much to say about it that I dont even want to start. I just hate that I've had to drag my mom's nearly lifeless body to the hospital three times before I even turned 18. I hate that I've had to make sure I had food because she hoarded all of the grocery money for alcohol. I hate that she put me (and my dogs) in danger many, many times by driving drunk with me in the car. I hate that she denies everything and has the nerve to call me selfish for wanting something to eat.

I hate that she was always hours late picking me up for school. I hate that I couldnt have friends over because she was stumbling around the house. I hate that my dad loses money because he has to come home from work early to take care of her. I hate that my dad is probably going to die very early because all of the stress he's under.

In my opinion, she is extremely selfish. We have sent her to rehab three times. My dad gets her whatever she wants (that he can provide). I forgive her every time she does somehting horrible. We have so many hospital bills and so much debt that my dad will never be able to retire. Yet she can't even hold a job for more than a few months because she's a drunk.

It tears me apart because even though I have EVERY right to be angry with her, I feel so guilty when I scream at her or call her names.

She had an abusive husband right before I was born, and I know she has some family issues, but I feel like as a grown woman you should learn how to deal with it and not ruin your OWN FAMILY because of it.

Kids shouldn't have all this responsibility.

pinkraynedropjacki

I was one a few years ago. Actually about 2 years ago. I would take days off work so I could drink. My mother was one also, I think after she died that's where I took it up.

Hubby asked me to stop, son asked me to stop. I asked mum to stop. The only person who cold make anyone stop is the drinker themselves.

As much as it pains you to watch, don't watch. As much as it kills you to know they are doing this, you have no choice. It HAS to be their choice to stop, otherwise they wont stop at all... perhaps for a small while, but never fully.

Jemmuno

Well... My grandfather is in AA and has been for 20 yrs and I firmly believe my father is an alcoholic. As for the concerns I've had with my father and the conversations I've had with my grandfather, if your brother is an alcoholic there isn't much you can do to realize this, and if he realizes this you still can not force him to take action. The biggest thing with alcoholics, (addicts in general really), is that they need to help themselves, because no one else can do it for them. Yes, you and your mom can be supportive of him seeking help, however he is the only one that can do it, and for it to be successful he has to want to seek help. Having an addict in the family is hard and all you can really do is live your life the best that you can and I'm sry to say this may mean not talking or having contact with your brother if worse comes to worse. Is it hard? Yes, but sometimes a person needs to hit rock bottom before they realize they have a problem. I also want to stress that you need to make sure your brother knows that you are there for him no matter what, and that you love him no matter what, because once rock bottom hits, it's crucial that person knows that there are ppl who still care about them and ppl they can still turn to. I hope this helps.

kelly101386

My mother is an alcoholic and though it doesn't effect me as much now I have moved away from home and I am older, it still continues to haunt me. She started because my father was in the Royal Navy and she claimed she was lonely despite having family around her and she had a full time job. In no time it got to the point where she nearly set the house on fire, twice and lost her driving licence as she was DUI. After that she lost her job and eventually my father.

Eighteen years ago they divorced and my dad was medically retired from the Navy due to a heart attack at sea, no doubt brought on by the stress of my mother. She moved in with my nan in the hopes that it would keep her grounded and it did, however she had her own aliments and when she was hospitalized my mother was home alone and would hit the bottle straight away. It wasn't uncommon for weekend visits to result in my nan looking after me due to her being in bed passed out. During this time she had several jobs, including one as an health care assistant to elderly people and she was drunk at work. Needless to say she didn't last long and was fired in all of them. She also had two boyfriends, as soon as they saw her drunk, they kicked her to the curb.

As I got a little older, I got a little bolder and tried to do something about it. I would search her room when I went to visit and take away the bottle, tipping it down the sink. That ended badly and resulted in physical punishment. The visits were reduced and the desire to see her waned and I found myself no longer caring.

In 1998, my paternal grandfather died and it did a number on her. She kept on drinking but she started talking to people who weren't there. That resulted in a 12 week stay in a psychiatric ward and when she came out she was so much better and put on medication.

Slowly she started picking her life up and found love with an old school friend of hers. She moved in with him and his children and it was wonderful. Visits became great again and I found myself actually wanting to spend time with her and my new adopted family. Then in 2003 it all fell apart again. They had a New Years Party, and her boyfriend, a man who should have known better due to having two alcoholics in his family, decided to get a crap load of drink in the house. The temptation was too strong and she was blind drunk and in bed by 6pm...6 hours before midnight. We had a struggle to make her go to bed and it resulted in me being pushed down a flight of stairs. Upon seeing this, her boyfriend decided she was a danger to his own children if she could do that to her own child and ended it.

So she went back to my nan's and again, with no booze in the house and no opportunity she sobered up. But every time my nan went into hospital she'd hit the bottle hard. I thought she'd change when I had my first child in 2008 but before the end of the year she missed a Christmas visit due to her condition.

As far as I know it's been several months since her last episode, but unfortunately I know it won't last long. I would like to say it hasn't effected me but all it's done has made my hatred for drinking even stronger. I don't mind people who drink in moderation, but people who get so out of that they don't know what they're doing, I despise them and due to this I drink occasionally. I don't like to say I gave up on my mother, but I don't have anything left in me to try and fight it. For twenty years she has fought these demons and there's no end in sight, she says she wants to stop it but she just cannot help herself.

kelly101386

My mom is an alcoholic. We all know it has ruined our family (debt, stress, hate etc) but we all act like everything is fine.

There's so much to say about it that I dont even want to start. I just hate that I've had to drag my mom's nearly lifeless body to the hospital three times before I even turned 18. I hate that I've had to make sure I had food because she hoarded all of the grocery money for alcohol. I hate that she put me (and my dogs) in danger many, many times by driving drunk with me in the car. I hate that she denies everything and has the nerve to call me selfish for wanting something to eat.

I hate that she was always hours late picking me up for school. I hate that I couldnt have friends over because she was stumbling around the house. I hate that my dad loses money because he has to come home from work early to take care of her. I hate that my dad is probably going to die very early because all of the stress he's under.

In my opinion, she is extremely selfish. We have sent her to rehab three times. My dad gets her whatever she wants (that he can provide). I forgive her every time she does somehting horrible. We have so many hospital bills and so much debt that my dad will never be able to retire. Yet she can't even hold a job for more than a few months because she's a drunk.

It tears me apart because even though I have EVERY right to be angry with her, I feel so guilty when I scream at her or call her names.

She had an abusive husband right before I was born, and I know she has some family issues, but I feel like as a grown woman you should learn how to deal with it and not ruin your OWN FAMILY because of it.

Kids shouldn't have all this responsibility.

As terrible as this is, I am so thankful that I am not alone in having this kind of upbringing and you must be a very strong individual xx

roachhaley

My mom is an alcoholic. We all know it has ruined our family (debt, stress, hate etc) but we all act like everything is fine.

There's so much to say about it that I dont even want to start. I just hate that I've had to drag my mom's nearly lifeless body to the hospital three times before I even turned 18. I hate that I've had to make sure I had food because she hoarded all of the grocery money for alcohol. I hate that she put me (and my dogs) in danger many, many times by driving drunk with me in the car. I hate that she denies everything and has the nerve to call me selfish for wanting something to eat.

I hate that she was always hours late picking me up for school. I hate that I couldnt have friends over because she was stumbling around the house. I hate that my dad loses money because he has to come home from work early to take care of her. I hate that my dad is probably going to die very early because all of the stress he's under.

In my opinion, she is extremely selfish. We have sent her to rehab three times. My dad gets her whatever she wants (that he can provide). I forgive her every time she does somehting horrible. We have so many hospital bills and so much debt that my dad will never be able to retire. Yet she can't even hold a job for more than a few months because she's a drunk.

It tears me apart because even though I have EVERY right to be angry with her, I feel so guilty when I scream at her or call her names.

She had an abusive husband right before I was born, and I know she has some family issues, but I feel like as a grown woman you should learn how to deal with it and not ruin your OWN FAMILY because of it.

Kids shouldn't have all this responsibility.

As terrible as this is, I am so thankful that I am not alone in having this kind of upbringing and you must be a very strong individual xx

I read your story as well, I'm glad I'm not alone and not alone in feeling confused about my mom.

I don't like to say I gave up on my mother, but I don't have anything left in me to try and fight it.

Also, this sums up how I feel perfectly. When I visit home now (I live overseas), all I can make myself do is search the house every day and find the hidden vodka, and pour it down the drain.

mikeschratz

I have recovered from a seemingless hopeless state of mind and body for 5 years, ... prior to that, I was the tornado in everyone's life. I caused all those riff's, all that hate and all of the divides I could possibly make... but it wasn't my intention. Most of the time, I didn't remember doing what I did. But that sad part was, when someone (my spousal unit) would tell me what I did the day/night before, all I would want is another drink. The shame, guilt and remorse that I carried from my actions from drinking just made me want another drink, crazy it sounds, yes, but that is it!! I obsessed over having a drink if I wasn't drinking, and when I was driniking, I couldn't stop drinking... that is the what alcoholism is. When I hit my "Bottom", I had alienated my wife and daughter, they are the ones that saw it every day. My parents, who lived quite a ways from us, had no idea. They thought cause I had a job, and my wife hadn't left yet, that everything was ok... I was just a social drinker. But I had done all of that and more. Today I am a grateful member of alcoholics anonymous and I am here for the next suffering alcoholic to walk through the door. They were here for me for no cost but their time....
I will not defend the alcholic and his actions... I just know today that it is a disease and how it affected me and my family. I can only talk of me and what I did. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, I know with a "Higher Power" anything is possible.
I included a link to the AA.org website, you can read the Big Book online without purchase. If you would like a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the Book from Al-Anon, please send me a message and I will see that you get a copy of each, again no cost. My prayer is that you learn boundaries as my wife and daughter did, learn "Detached Love" (man I hated that term for a long time) and learn to take care of yourself, you deserve it.

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=359

TheDreadPirateRoberts

My dad was and is an alcoholic. It affected me badly so that I grew up thinking drinking heavily was normal. He was also physically, mentally and verbally abusive which left me with very low self esteem / confidence (hence the mask ). This abuse continued until I finally stood up to them (August last year) when they cut off all contact with me. I am currently taking part in Sober September to make myself realise that alcohol is not a good thing for me. I am also taking meditation classes to be able to deal with the stress and strains of life rather than alcohol. I also bought a book to deal with my self esteem issues finally.

Bottom line is that you cannot change the person. Only they can. They are likely to lash out at you if you try. I know that happened to me. You will also end up mentally damaged if your try. I wish to hell I had realised far earlier in my life what the abuse that I received had done to me and that I am actually not the worthless moron that I kept being told I was by that violent drunk. I dont expect to speak to him as long as he lives. It hurts, (despite how he is / was), but at least I can finally rebuild myself after over 40 years of thinking what he said was true.