Alcoholics in your life? Anyone?

kwest_4_fitness

My brother and uncle are alcoholics and my dad, before he passed, was on everything imaginable and unimaginable. Have you ever rode down the road with your dad at the wheel, just talking, when he pulls out two high dosage Oxy's, crushes them on the top of his Copenhagen can, and SNORTS them? Yeah, that's my dad. Xanex, Valium, Percoset, Darvoset, pot, alcohol, cocaine, all of it and more.

With any of my relatives, there's no getting through. Not pointing out what asshats they are when they drink, not being reasonable, not being sympathetic, nothing. They have too many enablers. My brother drinks, but it's at home his wife says, he's not out on the road or in the bars she says. My uncle drinks, but my aunt simply doesn't care, as it makes him malleable to her wants and needs. My dad on the other hand was something to behold. His emotions ran from super happy and would turn in an instant to where he was standing on the lawn with a baseball bat calling you out for some imagined slight.

I wish you luck on whatever you endeavor to use in your attempt to deal with your brother's alcoholism. Me? I just removed myself from it as much as possible. I moved (for other reasons) years ago and it's helped greatly to keep me away from it. I limited my contact with my dad to two calls a year before he died and after he made a total *kitten* of himself at my wedding.

Propel1001

My husband is an alcoholic. I am in counsoling and my therapist gave me a mantra to say, "I am not responsible for him." I say it everyday.

RobynMWilson

I'm a recovered alcoholic and an adult child of an alcoholic with 12+ years in recovery...the most important thing to remember is that you're powerless over your brother's drinking. You can't control it, passively or actively. The only thing you can do is to apply the 12 Steps of Al Anon and the spiritual principles (the same ones as AA) into your own life so that you can live a happy life despite his drinking. Unfortunately, an addict or alcoholic will never sustain any long term recovery unless he has hit his bottom and is ready to stop without reservation.

Get to an Al Anon meeting, get an Al Anon sponsor and start following their direction. And don't enable your brother, and also please remember that your brother and his drinking are 2 different entities. So if your brother is doing things out of character and is defensive, it's not him, it's his drinking. I hope that helps. You can friend me if you'd like...

RobynMWilson

My husband is an alcoholic. I am in counsoling and my therapist gave me a mantra to say, "I am not responsible for him." I say it everyday.

Absolutely..try I am powerless over my husband's drinking and my life is unmanageable. That's the first step to your own recovery!

emmaonamission

My uncle is an alcoholic, has been since his mum (so my grandmother) died all the way back in 1997. I'm not close to him and neither is my mum, and it's really sad but its too difficult - he doesn't want to deal with it and it's hard to watch someone you care about deny the help they need. If they won't accept your help, then there's nothing you can do - like everything in this world, you have to want to do something before you do it...if you've tried to help but they just don't want it then sadly for your sanity it's probably for the best that you start to put some distance between you

Anon4678

My brother is an alcoholic. It tore our family apart for years. Alcohol always led him to make other destructive decisions (dangerous gambling, stealing, and hardcore drugs). He tried rehab. He tried AA. And he always turned back to alcohol. He told my father he couldn't wait to get out of rehab so he could have his next drink.

He ended up in the hospital last October. He had a mild heart attack at the age of 30 from all of the drugs. I arrived early to his hospital room and tried to talk to him about it. I told him he was killing himself. He looked me dead in the eye and said "I don't have a problem."

It was the hardest thing in my life, but I knew I couldn't do anything more. It had been over a decade of struggle in our family for him, but I couldn't make him stop. This addiction had taken his life over completely, and I didn't know him anymore. He was no longer my brother; he was an addict.

I mourned him like he was dead. I went into therapy to deal with the crushing family issues that accompanied it (my mother had screamed at me on the phone once to not call the police on him if he got violent with myself or my younger sister, whom I was going to protect from him because she was scared. That sent me right to therapy to deal with my hurt and anger towards her for putting his addiction above our safety. Gave me some great perspective).

I haven't spoken to him since he was discharged from the hospital. He ended up back there at least once, and now he is essentially homeless.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. It does hurt. A whole hell of a lot. But I couldn't deal with it any longer. I couldn't get sucked into that world of madness again. I had to take a step back and take care of myself and my life. It was so incredibly difficult, but it was the best possible thing for my mental health.

As for the point of all this babbling...I don't know. I just hope you know you're not alone.

AnnyaSB

My Dad was a "functioning alcoholic" and I didn't even realise he was one until I grew up and realised that nobody else's Dad needed a whiskey to stop their hands shaking in the morning!

Sadly my only, and very loved, sister is also an alcoholic. But far from being functional, she is a typical park bench drunk. She lives with a guy who is also an alcoholic and although she only 4 years older than me people have mistaken her for my GRANDMOTHER she looks so terrible :noway: She has been having a lot of trouble with her stomach lately and has lost a huge amount of weight - she is now less than 5.5 stones - and I suspect it is either liver cirrhosis or stomach cancer.

I have had to distance myself from her now as I just can't cope with the emotional rollercoaster any more. When her kids were younger I kept in constant contact for their sakes - and indeed vurtuially bought two of them up to stop them from being taken into Social Services care as she neglected them so badly sometimes - but now they are all grown up I don't have much contact with her at all.

She has put her booze and her boyfriends before me, her own children, and everything else and it is best that we keep a distance from each other. I know there is nothing I can do for her that I haven't already done so now I must just leave her to the fate that she has chosen for herself and be there for the kids when the enevitable happens............

Alcohol, in my opinion, is the worst legal drug known to mankind

RobynMWilson

I won't debate the "alcoholism is a disease" thing with you but I just can't wrap my head around your statement "I hate it more than cancer"

I can't speak for the person who wrote that, but I can understand it. Cancer is awful. It kills people you love. But it's tangible. You can see it. Cut it out. Hit it with chemo. Radiation. It's not socially reprehensible to be sick with it. Or die from it. If you have it, you may be pitied, but you won't be hated, shunned, feel worthless, weak, and ashamed.

Like diabetes, you may be genetically predisposed to it if you have a parent or grandparent who is/was alcoholic. It's why some people can abuse alcohol without being addicted and others can't. Go to any AA meeting and you will hear the same story over end over. Most will say their problem started as a kid, with that first drink. Many alcoholics really become addicted as teens, and their psychological development gets thwarted. They stop learning how to cope with life stresses, which only increase, because they drink to cope.

Alcoholism affects all organs, and also the brain. The alcoholic brain is NOT normal, and that's part of why it's a disease. It's chronic and progressive. It only gets worse or the person stops drinking. There's usually no way to moderate drinking for an alcoholic. It's all or nothing.

Yes, it's a choice. But an alcoholic brain and body is not good at making logical or rational choices. Everything in the alcoholics body and brain is telling them to drink. The addiction drives every thought. To overcome that is a huge feat. Some people do. Some don't. And usually it requires time forcibly separated from regular life (rehab) to even begin to achieve it.

It sucks. I totally appreciate your feelings!

I strongly disagree with the last few sentences. True alcoholics never "overcome" it...I've been sober 12 yrs and my disease is still progressing even though I'm in recovery. If I stop working the steps and principles of AA in my life for one day and pick up and drink again, I won't start where I left off 12 yrs ago, I will start as if I had been drinking the entire time I abstained. It's continuous action with a power greater than myself and spiritual fitness. And I got sober in AA, not rehab, during a time that my life had completely fallen apart as a direct result of my drinking but when I was done, I was DONE and was able to get sober while repairing the mess I had made...

serenitynowww

Alcohol, in my opinion, is the worst legal drug known to mankind

Agreed 100%. It ruins peoples lives and even though I am not an alcoholic myself, it has had a profound impact on every part of my being due to the bull**** that I had to put up with growing up.

mousepaws22

My Dad is an alcoholic and I hate him with every bone in my body. I am dreading my sisters wedding in December because I will have to see him and I know he will wantto put on a happy families act in front of everyone. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since September last year and I have no desire to see him or speak to him ever again.

What has worked for me is cutting him out of my life but I understand that not everyone wants to do that. You have to try very hard though to put yourself first and do what is best for you. I'm only 29 and his drinking has been problematic since I was 16 and I honestly do think that it will have an affect on me for the rest of my life. I also lost my uncle to alcoholism a couple of years ago- he was a very different kind of alcoholic and so easier to deal with. I do miss him a lot.

MFPBrandy

I am so sorry for your situation. I have several alcoholics in my family, three generations, all functioning, and all enabling and reinforcing each other. It's been that way for decades, and isn't likely to change unless one of them becomes non-functioning or gets in a drunk-driving accident and serves as a wake-up call. My grandfather did cut back considerably for medical reasons, so now it's two generations. I'm always surprised at the lengths they'll go to in order to ensure alcohol is available at every event (including a non-drinker's morning baby shower), but since they're doing it together, and the kids (now adults themselves) see their parents and aunts and uncles doing it, it's "normal." I'm the weird one for just having a single glass of wine with dinner.
My situation is so different, though, because I have more family, we're more spread apart (unless I happen to be living close by, I only get to visit every couple years), and I'm not especially close with the heavy drinkers (I just can't be, as much as I'd like to). It's much easier for me to distance myself. I can't imagine having it be just you, your mom, and your brother. Does your mom also see that your brother is an alcoholic? Perhaps the two of you can join Al-Anon together. You may find the support really helpful -- especially if you're feeling like it's your job to "fix" him.

Amberonamission

I am going to read all of this when I am in a good place.. Cuz I think it is important to my life to see other peoples stories.

Both my parents, my husband and best friend are alcoholics. I rarely drink at all. Mostly because of this dreadful feeling of always needing to be responsible for the drinkers. My constant fear of "what if something goes wrong?".

I am trying to break away from all of them. I know there is no way to ever convince any of them to quit. I search for sober people (from alcohol, drugs, and food) to surround myself with. It would be a gift to have someone in my life to enjoy this journey with.

danaweston

I would recommend that you read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous- especially the chapter called "More About Alcoholism"
and " The Family Afterward ". This book will give you insight into the disease and methods you can use for yourself. There are usually copies at Half Price Bookstores. You could pick one up at an open AA meeting in your town. There, you will be welcomed and information would be given in a warm friendly way. Take the Action.

pixtotts

wow... this is a lot of writing... sorry...
im really sorry to hear your having to go through this.
i can give you no advice on how to deal with it, except dont give in! never give in. Hopefully you can get it before it goes too far. I'll tell you my story and maybe theres something you can pick up on that can help in some way maybe :S. One piece of advice i do want to give though is dont let it affect your life, yes it will a bit, but dont let it ruin it, my uncle ruined so much of ours.

Keith, my uncle, is an alcoholic, ... when i was 7 he got married for the 2nd time, she worked behind the bar in the pub up the road thats how they met... as a child i thought if Keith wasnt at my nans he was at said pub. They went on to have two daughters, when my aunt ended up leaving him she said it was like having 3 toddlers having Keith there aswel.
Then my nan made the biggest mistake of her life... she said he could live there. He was her son, her little boy, of course she let him back, they did everything for him got him into rehab, got him seeing specialists...but nothing made any difference. He was the big wedge in the family my nan went from being my main carer to someone i saw only christmas and birthdays, it sounds silly but it changed me, when i was 7 was the last time i was skinny, i developed a fear of school and was depressed and suicidal by the time i was in high school. My sister was born after he moved back there she never really got to have a relationship with my nan even though we live just a field apart. My other uncle who also lived at home and my grandad would come round with bruises where Keith got angry and pushed them. They had to lock anything alcoholic or expensive in the shed and someone always had to stay home to make sure he didnt do something stupid, my nan couldnt drive so that person became her... this is relevant stick with me... My Nanny died while i was at university, she had deep vein thrombosis from doing the equivalent of a long haul flight every day making sure my uncle didnt destroy the place.
Then he got so bad, the police had to be involved, he was smashing windows, and drink driving, he was endangering so many lives, my grandad threw him out and he ended up in prison. My grandad and my other uncle now have a lock on every single door in the house so even if he broke in he couldnt get any further than that room. They are paranoid.

We have nothing to do with him now apart from what we wish we didnt... he phones my aunt every few months asking for money or saying he's dying and wants to bring the family back together... then he gets drunker and they turn to abuse, or he turns up on the door step of my grandads or a family friends so drunk he's wet himself been sick down himself its revolting. This last time my dad had to give him a lift home (just so we know he wont be causing trouble), our car over heated and my uncle kept saying to my dad "you should see my brother he's a mechanic, he'd fix it for you".... my dads that brother... he was a mechanic 24 years ago! He didnt even recognise his own brother... its just sad. He's a sad sad man, who has no interest in giving up the drink... rehab and a stint in prison didnt help him i dont think anything will

sorry its a doom and gloom story, but maybe as others have said you can distance yourself a bit.

Bookchick887

The 1st step of the famous 12 step AA list is to 'admit you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable.'
This is not just a statement for the alcoholic but for us, too.
We are powerless over alcohol, too. Our lives have become unmanageable, too.

tlroesch72

I have dealt with many alcoholics, I am a recovering alcoholic myself. Alanon can help. You can only take care of yourself, pray for your brother. There is hope for him, I see alcoholics get sober and their lives change everyday. It's a beautiful thing.

addaline22

this is a a tricky ground to cover. I'm one, but because I had better things in my life to choose over getting drunk, I stoped drinking. Alot of people use alcohol to 'relieve the stress' ect, and what they really need is a therapist and doctor so they can get their seritonin levels checked and I would bet you a dollar he is severly depressed, with low seritonin levels. the booze balances it out. Horray for chemistry.

how ever, this is something he has to choose for him self.

Frozen300

My dad was an alcoholic, his liver filled his guts with bile and he died on the toilet when his kidneys shut down. I personally have a crown and coke almost nightly, but I VERY rarely get drunk. I have no problem with moderation, but I am very aware of how easy it is to become a "functioning drunk".

gingersnapx00

OMG I have lived with 2 alcoholic parents ALL MY LIFE and it sucked! I always wondered if they were going to get home ok from a restaurant we would go to or a family get together. I was almost killed in a car accident b/c my drunk mother drove all three of us kids down the wrong side of the ****ing road. We were left home with a drunk step dad who would make us eat **** off the floor as kids if we dropped stuff. I got the hell out of there at 17 and got married and started my own family. Even as an older adult looking back they were still in denial they had a problem. So when it came to asking me if I would let their grandkids come over to play or spend the night or even drive them anywhere we ALL had to tell them NO. It was then my mom realized how alone she really was with this disease and that we were not gonna let her or her husband take our kids down with them. This disease has kept me from knowing really who my mom is b/c ever since I was born she was like this. I hope one day I will. But all I do is take it a day at a time and take baby steps in trusting her. Its hard I wish she would go back to rehab.

Kath712

Sorry you are going through this. It's really hard to separate the person from the addiction. I attended Al-Anon many years ago, due to my mom's alcoholism. It really helped me; I highly recommend it. Eventually (after 15 years, I waited too long), I had to draw the line. I told my mom and dad that if they wanted to have a relationship with me, my husband and kids, then they had to do something about it. I wrote them a reallllly long letter, explaining my position, since I knew they wouldn't listen to me. I even made an appointment for them at a rehab clinic. They chose not to attend. So, that was it. I have a very limited relationship with them, just see them at family functions with my brothers. It's been 8 years since I drew the line, and I am so much happier. No more drama. I met with a counselor, and her advice was don't give ultimatums you can't carry out. Well, I did carry it out, and I'm much stronger for it.

I just wanted to tell you my story to give you some perspective on what worked for me. I definitely waited too long before taking a stance. I put up with too many emergencies (ambulances, trips to ER) due to my mother's addiction. Only you can decide what you are willing to do. But first and foremost, you have to protect yourself. You can't change the alcoholic - only he can. Best of luck to you! :flowerforyou: