unsupportive mate
TropicalFlowerz
Posts: 1,990 Member
My husband of 9 yrs,....after I jokingly said smack my booty,....gave me the heavy breath eye rolling I'm soo over this look. When I sad ,What?...he says this..."I just dont understand why if yur doing this 4 yurself you need the praise or approval of somebody else." So, I said ,hav u ever tried to wrk really hard 4 something just 4 yurself?.....he said Why!?....I said ,so we can find something in common 2 relate to....I dont need yur praise ,support would be nice.....& yur not someoneelse yur my husband! Then he says,'All I hear everyday is see how much I've lost?,see how my body is changing?...blah,blah,blah everyday!".(he went on & on).....After that I just walked away & did'nt say a word. Yes I am excited to share how well I'm doing,...maybe too much,....but that really hurt my feelings(crying)...no wonder women make the mistake of turning 2 other men 4 attention...when their husbands are jerks.,not that i will,.. I'm smart,...but just hurt.....from now on I'm not sharing my accomplishments w/ him. Has anybody else have an unsupportive mate? how do u cope?....btw,i'm gonna do my wrkout,& walk 3miles to clear my head so I wont go up side his stupid head!!...angry,but mostly hurt,..here in c.a.~Amee
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My husband has also complained about me talking about watching my food, talking about my running or how much I have lost. I have found that I have to back off. I have learned, at least from my husband, it means more to him to give me a complement when I am not asking for one. And I also realize that it means more to me when I let him. I look for my everyday support from MFP friends as well as my running friends. Hang in there, men can be jerks sometimes but we love them anyway. You keep working on you and know that you have friend here to support you. He will come around.0
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I've had a similar experience with my wife. I don't share my progress with her to get approval or compliments. I share it because I think she should be doing it too. It's like you say, we strive to have something in common with our partners, an experience to share. But she's still smoking and drinking, and she hasn't done any exercise since she was at school. Her self esteem is rock bottom.
I've explained to her I'm doing this for my own health, not for vanity. So I can be active and healthy for my daughter and her grandchildren (she's only 13 now) when I'm old. You gotta put the investment in now for the later years. But she's not interested in doing that. I've taken the same approach as you. I don't share my wins and goal achievements with her.
I leave it to her own peers to say "Why don't you run with him?" or "Why aren't you doing it too?"0 -
I have given up... don't share weight loss or great blood work results anymore.... I'm the one that is eating weird stuff0
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My hubby wasn't unsupportive but he had "concerns" when I went all full-throttle 12 months ago. He kept saying, "you don't have anything to prove." Things of that nature. Plus, I was venturing into weight lifting which didn't exactly thrill him as no woman in either family weight trains.
However, one year later and seeing my transformation and results, his reservations have been put behind him. He's very supportive and tells me all the time how happy he is that I've gotten into better shape and regained my health/vitality.0 -
That is so sad!! When I started on MFP it felt like I was being a bit boring, keeping on. but after a while my husband joined me on it, and now we are losing together.0
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the biggest problem i'm having is my husband does not understand why he has to eat healthy just because I am starting to. I've told him that if he wants to eat junk food and all the crap that he does, than that is his choice, but because i'm the one making dinner the kids and I will eat what I make. If he wants something else, then he can get his butt off the couch after working 13-14 hour days and make his own dinner. I don't have to eat crap because he is. but if he is going to be lazy and want me to make dinner, i'm going to make what I want which is healthy. This has been a battle for about a week now since I started MFP. and he gets upset when I don't eat what he makes, but I don't get pissy about it. I just make something different.0
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Didn't you post just a day or two ago about other awful things your husband is saying/doing? You should probably have a talk with him about all of this. The people on MFP can't fix these issues for you, only the two of you can do that. If you don't feel like you can talk to him then it might be time to consider professional help for the two of you to work these issues out.0
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I totally hear you on this. I've cried many tears because of total lack of support or cooperation on many issues. It's not bc of you honey. It's because he's insecure and unable to see past his own issues. Took me 18 yrs to figure that out.0
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I'm sorry. That sucks. My husband is supportive, but not very complimentary - never ever has been. He dosen't go out of his way to tell me I look good, or pretty or whatever. That sucks and I too can see how women can turn to others, starting out just as a way to boost self esteem....but getting deeper and deeper.
I have just had to realize that in my relationship - he's never ever been like that - and I can't make him change. I wish he would tell me how awesome I am, but he won't - so I'll just tell myself.
Keep up your good work and just hang in there.0 -
(To usmcmp ) the last post was about him wanting me to eat fast food w/ him,....not anything that requires proffesional help.,but thanxs 4 yur concern.0
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My situation is slightly different. When I started 9 years ago my husband was very supportive and still is to a certain point. This year (about 3 to 6 monthes ago) he started complaining that I've become anaresic/bolemic (sp?) due to the fact that I was doing my workouts and eating healthy and in my caloric intake yet dropping down to 123 for my 52 year 5'4" frame. Let's get real here now, I'm back up to 128 by sitting at home.
He's suppose to be eating healthy and told the primary the last 2 years that he won't take statin drugs and would correct his cholestrol by diet and exercise which by the way is a no go (exercise that is). Hang in there.0 -
I'm sorry. That sucks. My husband is supportive, but not very complimentary - never ever has been. He dosen't go out of his way to tell me I look good, or pretty or whatever. That sucks and I too can see how women can turn to others, starting out just as a way to boost self esteem....but getting deeper and deeper.
I have just had to realize that in my relationship - he's never ever been like that - and I can't make him change. I wish he would tell me how awesome I am, but he won't - so I'll just tell myself.
Keep up your good work and just hang in there.
mine is the same,and yur right i'll just tell myself.0 -
I don't share with my wife anymore either. She is not focused on getting fit and gets very self conscious when I talk about how much I've lost, show how my clothes don't fit anymore, or mention how my running pace and strength are improving. I once thought that sharing what I'm doing and the success I'm having would motivate her to take some action too...Just keep on doing what you are doing for you.0
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Thank you all very much,...& will take yur thoughts to heart.0
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I'd be utterly furious if my spouse spoke to me like that. Support is a vital component of success, and he's supposed to be your ally in life!
I consider myself lucky. I've lost weight with other partners before and men are usually SO awkward about how to address the weight loss without implying/admitting that I am or was fat. I'm not a game-player in my relationships, I was really fat, I know I was really fat, I know I'm technically still fat, but I'm working on it!! My spouse is very forthcoming with compliments and comments (today's was, "Your butt looks really different in your bike shorts than they did a few months ago")!! They are always welcome!!! It offers me a perspective other than my own!
Thank god he knew to keep his mouth shut when I gained 50 lbs. Haha.0 -
No other advice for you just wanted to say I'm sorry!0
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My husband told me he wants to grow old with me doesn't care what I look like.0
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You realize that logging every calorie, thinking about macros and burn rate etc are NOT things probably 85% of people do, at all?
The thing about it is that it practically takes clinical obsession to try to stay healthy (within appropriate weight guidelines). It absolutely takes a high level of self-absorption (or creates it). And that's necessary to stay on track, unfortunately.
Totally normal to think and talk about what your butt looks like - we all want to see progress. It's a lot of work, and we also want to see praise.
But it's far outside of what most people do and the framework of our society, and is actually disruptive to normal social dynamics, be it friendship, marriage, co-workers, whatever. People connect through food, drink, lazing around, etc.
I know I annoyed some friends, going on about it, and *I* thought I'd kept my mouth shut
Come here instead for support, and put in the time & effort to connect with husband in other ways.
As for his comment, well, sounds like there's probably other stuff going on. Could just be irritation or whatever, but there's something not nice about it. Impossible to comment on it out of context.0 -
I've had a similar experience with my wife. I don't share my progress with her to get approval or compliments. I share it because I think she should be doing it too. It's like you say, we strive to have something in common with our partners, an experience to share. But she's still smoking and drinking, and she hasn't done any exercise since she was at school. Her self esteem is rock bottom.
I've explained to her I'm doing this for my own health, not for vanity. So I can be active and healthy for my daughter and her grandchildren (she's only 13 now) when I'm old. You gotta put the investment in now for the later years. But she's not interested in doing that. I've taken the same approach as you. I don't share my wins and goal achievements with her.
I leave it to her own peers to say "Why don't you run with him?" or "Why aren't you doing it too?"
My husband told me he wants to grow old with me doesn't care what I look like. I am slowly making improvements. Today we went for a 5 mile hike (my idea) and it was amazing. I was hurting during and am still hurting so I'm just sitting on my bed enjoying MFP. If you are eating good that will only help her. My only problem is I have to work 5 times harder then my husband for the same result. So if your wife tries please be aware of that. I hope for your wife's happiness that she will give it a try. The hike was an accomplishment but also a memorable family day.0 -
Well when that happens...
Remember breath deep walk away come back when you have a clear head.
Then say I really need your support some days...0 -
recently ended a relationship because of this issue...my ex straight up told me he didnt want me to lose weight, dress nice, or "look pretty" because he didn't want anybody else looking at me. i thought that was pretty insane...not to mention selfish & insecure. needless to say, i ran for the hills. your situation is a little different though because you are married, and your husband is probably nothing like my ex, so i can't really give you any helpful advice...but i CAN say that i empathize with your pain and frustration. ((hugs)) i hope things get better, and don't give up just because he doesn't understand how important this is for you! hopefully once he sees your confidence and overall happiness increase, he'll be more supportive! take care, lady
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I've been on MFP active for a little over a month. At times
My wife is supportive and other times she resents how much time this life change requires. We fought for many years and I'd blame her for wanting ice cream w the kids but the blame is only mine. In the past few weeks I've lost 16 and she has lost 11 but were not friends on MFP. She is doing it her way and I mine. I say just stay focused on your goals and use mFP support to augment what doesn't come from family friends and yourself . That's why I have a bunch of friends on her cause I need support
Hope that helps,
Mark0 -
Is your hubby overweight himself? Maybe it is coming from a place of insecurity not of malice.
My partner is really supportive, but not in a way that makes me feel like there was anything wrong with me before. However he is fit and in great shape, always has been. I think that is the difference.0 -
My husband is supportive but in a unhelpful way. He will ask me during the week did you exercise, you need to go exercise, you should get back on your xbox workout program..blah blah blah. But then on the weekend when he comes home (he works out of town during the week) he will say lets go get a hamburger, or want to buy chips and dip and pop at the grocery store. And then he will say " I can't wait until you get skinny again." Well then stop taking about bad food!! Stop encouraging eating a snack at 10:30 at night. Want to eat healthy food with me. He makes me frustrated to the point I want to cheat....(I am an emotional eater.) Then I try to talk about it with my mom who is also over weight, and she says I can't believe your this heavy at such a young age...when I was your age I was down to 132 and that was after two child...then she tells me your never going to get skinny ( I also have two children...baby weight)...thanks mom for the motivation....so if your spouse and your mother can't support you and encourage you to better yourself you can?...so that is why I have turned to strangers her on MFP to be friend who are fighting the same battles and need the same support. Its difficult and as much as it hurts not to include your loved ones sometimes its for the best.0
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i lefy my *kitten* of a husband end of story !! some men are just down right pricks and girl when you hit that goal.. doll yourself up to the nines put on a hot dress kitten high platform heels and go out with girls and throw it in his face...My husband of 9 yrs,....after I jokingly said smack my booty,....gave me the heavy breath eye rolling I'm soo over this look. When I sad ,What?...he says this..."I just dont understand why if yur doing this 4 yurself you need the praise or approval of somebody else." So, I said ,hav u ever tried to wrk really hard 4 something just 4 yurself?.....he said Why!?....I said ,so we can find something in common 2 relate to....I dont need yur praise ,support would be nice.....& yur not someoneelse yur my husband! Then he says,'All I hear everyday is see how much I've lost?,see how my body is changing?...blah,blah,blah everyday!".(he went on & on).....After that I just walked away & did'nt say a word. Yes I am excited to share how well I'm doing,...maybe too much,....but that really hurt my feelings(crying)...no wonder women make the mistake of turning 2 other men 4 attention...when their husbands are jerks.,not that i will,.. I'm smart,...but just hurt.....from now on I'm not sharing my accomplishments w/ him. Has anybody else have an unsupportive mate? how do u cope?....btw,i'm gonna do my wrkout,& walk 3miles to clear my head so I wont go up side his stupid head!!...angry,but mostly hurt,..here in c.a.~Amee0
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once again i am thankful i am single.0
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Sometimes spouses and friends just get tired of listening to what they view as an obsession. That's why the support and discussion here is so helpful. My spouse still offers me things he knows I won't take, although he is very happy to eat well (we always have) and with my progress. I do buy a few things for him that I don't often eat, mainly bagels, cheese and icecream. I have a very good friend who I don't even mention MFP, weight loss, exercise or label reading to anymore. So come here for support and make small changes in the meal plans and wait for him to notice!0
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My fiance' and my adult children are all very supportive. Thats where it ends though. My sisters (one is my twin and is 12 steps beyond morbidly obese at 5'4) and my brother (who is 6'10 and 300lbs) are all non supportive or bored with hearing about my weight loss or exercise or happiness about the whole thing. Even most of my friends dont seem to care. I figure if I have to ask them to notice or remark on it then it doesnt matter.
Im sorry your partner cant be supportive, that just sucks a chunky one on many levels0 -
I have this problem but now that men are starting to notice me, he knows he has to say and do something about it. I need the attention & i would prefer it come from my husband We have had talks that I don't want to go back to the way I was. He loves me whether I'm fat or skinny but it's easier for him if I'm fat. He's actually starting to take some of my cues but I don't force anything on him & this has been going on for over a year.
Get ur support from here but a word of caution to watch out for the guys on here that are looking for the women who need a lot of attention. It's one thing to tell u you look pretty or good but when it starts going further - please watch out!0 -
tex jen,....I hear ya,thats why I only have one guy friend on here & if he flirts he's out!(fact) ,....well, I talked to him explained my side in 3 short to the point sentences,and added that my feelings were hurt.He was shocked that he had hurt my feelings,but the apology seemed ok,..anyway,my plan is to turn to my girls & my mfp folks 4 support from now on,...and never give up! thanx everybody 4 sharing yur stories,.....i'm not alone in this!0
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