unsupportive mate

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  • jensauce
    jensauce Posts: 150 Member
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    recently ended a relationship because of this issue...my ex straight up told me he didnt want me to lose weight, dress nice, or "look pretty" because he didn't want anybody else looking at me. i thought that was pretty insane...not to mention selfish & insecure. needless to say, i ran for the hills. your situation is a little different though because you are married, and your husband is probably nothing like my ex, so i can't really give you any helpful advice...but i CAN say that i empathize with your pain and frustration. ((hugs)) i hope things get better, and don't give up just because he doesn't understand how important this is for you! hopefully once he sees your confidence and overall happiness increase, he'll be more supportive! take care, lady =)
  • KravMark
    KravMark Posts: 308 Member
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    I've been on MFP active for a little over a month. At times
    My wife is supportive and other times she resents how much time this life change requires. We fought for many years and I'd blame her for wanting ice cream w the kids but the blame is only mine. In the past few weeks I've lost 16 and she has lost 11 but were not friends on MFP. She is doing it her way and I mine. I say just stay focused on your goals and use mFP support to augment what doesn't come from family friends and yourself . That's why I have a bunch of friends on her cause I need support ;)

    Hope that helps,
    Mark
  • sunshine1992
    sunshine1992 Posts: 22 Member
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    Is your hubby overweight himself? Maybe it is coming from a place of insecurity not of malice.

    My partner is really supportive, but not in a way that makes me feel like there was anything wrong with me before. However he is fit and in great shape, always has been. I think that is the difference.
  • tuffer2tones
    tuffer2tones Posts: 13 Member
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    My husband is supportive but in a unhelpful way. He will ask me during the week did you exercise, you need to go exercise, you should get back on your xbox workout program..blah blah blah. But then on the weekend when he comes home (he works out of town during the week) he will say lets go get a hamburger, or want to buy chips and dip and pop at the grocery store. And then he will say " I can't wait until you get skinny again." Well then stop taking about bad food!! Stop encouraging eating a snack at 10:30 at night. Want to eat healthy food with me. He makes me frustrated to the point I want to cheat....(I am an emotional eater.) Then I try to talk about it with my mom who is also over weight, and she says I can't believe your this heavy at such a young age...when I was your age I was down to 132 and that was after two child...then she tells me your never going to get skinny ( I also have two children...baby weight)...thanks mom for the motivation....so if your spouse and your mother can't support you and encourage you to better yourself you can?...so that is why I have turned to strangers her on MFP to be friend who are fighting the same battles and need the same support. Its difficult and as much as it hurts not to include your loved ones sometimes its for the best.
  • waronmyfat
    waronmyfat Posts: 322 Member
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    i lefy my *kitten* of a husband end of story !! some men are just down right pricks and girl when you hit that goal.. doll yourself up to the nines put on a hot dress kitten high platform heels and go out with girls and throw it in his face...
    My husband of 9 yrs,....after I jokingly said smack my booty,....gave me the heavy breath eye rolling I'm soo over this look. When I sad ,What?...he says this..."I just dont understand why if yur doing this 4 yurself you need the praise or approval of somebody else." So, I said ,hav u ever tried to wrk really hard 4 something just 4 yurself?.....he said Why!?....I said ,so we can find something in common 2 relate to....I dont need yur praise ,support would be nice.....& yur not someoneelse yur my husband! Then he says,'All I hear everyday is see how much I've lost?,see how my body is changing?...blah,blah,blah everyday!".(he went on & on).....After that I just walked away & did'nt say a word. Yes I am excited to share how well I'm doing,...maybe too much,....but that really hurt my feelings(crying)...no wonder women make the mistake of turning 2 other men 4 attention...when their husbands are jerks.,not that i will,.. I'm smart,...but just hurt.....from now on I'm not sharing my accomplishments w/ him. Has anybody else have an unsupportive mate? how do u cope?....btw,i'm gonna do my wrkout,& walk 3miles to clear my head so I wont go up side his stupid head!!...angry,but mostly hurt,..here in c.a.~Amee
  • bikhi
    bikhi Posts: 175
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    once again i am thankful i am single.
  • marsellient
    marsellient Posts: 591 Member
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    Sometimes spouses and friends just get tired of listening to what they view as an obsession. That's why the support and discussion here is so helpful. My spouse still offers me things he knows I won't take, although he is very happy to eat well (we always have) and with my progress. I do buy a few things for him that I don't often eat, mainly bagels, cheese and icecream. I have a very good friend who I don't even mention MFP, weight loss, exercise or label reading to anymore. So come here for support and make small changes in the meal plans and wait for him to notice!
  • Restybaby2012
    Restybaby2012 Posts: 568 Member
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    My fiance' and my adult children are all very supportive. Thats where it ends though. My sisters (one is my twin and is 12 steps beyond morbidly obese at 5'4) and my brother (who is 6'10 and 300lbs) are all non supportive or bored with hearing about my weight loss or exercise or happiness about the whole thing. Even most of my friends dont seem to care. I figure if I have to ask them to notice or remark on it then it doesnt matter.

    Im sorry your partner cant be supportive, that just sucks a chunky one on many levels
  • texjenn
    texjenn Posts: 146 Member
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    I have this problem but now that men are starting to notice me, he knows he has to say and do something about it. I need the attention & i would prefer it come from my husband We have had talks that I don't want to go back to the way I was. He loves me whether I'm fat or skinny but it's easier for him if I'm fat. He's actually starting to take some of my cues but I don't force anything on him & this has been going on for over a year.

    Get ur support from here but a word of caution to watch out for the guys on here that are looking for the women who need a lot of attention. It's one thing to tell u you look pretty or good but when it starts going further - please watch out!
  • TropicalFlowerz
    TropicalFlowerz Posts: 1,990 Member
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    tex jen,....I hear ya,thats why I only have one guy friend on here & if he flirts he's out!(fact) ,....well, I talked to him explained my side in 3 short to the point sentences,and added that my feelings were hurt.He was shocked that he had hurt my feelings,but the apology seemed ok,..anyway,my plan is to turn to my girls & my mfp folks 4 support from now on,...and never give up! thanx everybody 4 sharing yur stories,.....i'm not alone in this!
  • Kinu_M
    Kinu_M Posts: 31
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    im not married but the guy im currently dating just doesnt undersetand why i wont eat certain things or i wont have more...now mind you he is much larger then me and has no clue that ive started dieting.... im afraid that if i tell him he will feel like im changing or that im not the same? idk we are all on this journey for a reason and your mate should be your #1 fan but i think that walking it off was the best idea...but his is a place of support and you should be able to get things off your chest without neggitive feed back from others.....good luck and keep up the good work
  • rmwinters
    rmwinters Posts: 288 Member
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    He's probably lonely now that you pay more attention to yourself. Maybe a special date night? Good luck 2ya.
    PS you must text a lot.
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
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    I don't get any support at home either but I got a nice compliment when I flashed myself in my new two sizes smaller lacey panties a couple of days ago. Nice change :)

    Best for us to not mention it all too often I think. Mine sighs when I even get on the scales.
  • cherylhirons
    cherylhirons Posts: 37 Member
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    tex jen,....I hear ya,thats why I only have one guy friend on here & if he flirts he's out!(fact) ,....well, I talked to him explained my side in 3 short to the point sentences,and added that my feelings were hurt.He was shocked that he had hurt my feelings,but the apology seemed ok,..anyway,my plan is to turn to my girls & my mfp folks 4 support from now on,...and never give up! thanx everybody 4 sharing yur stories,.....i'm not alone in this!

    Using the word hurt is key!
  • azalais7
    azalais7 Posts: 187 Member
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    tex jen,....I hear ya,thats why I only have one guy friend on here & if he flirts he's out!(fact) ,....well, I talked to him explained my side in 3 short to the point sentences,and added that my feelings were hurt.He was shocked that he had hurt my feelings,but the apology seemed ok,..anyway,my plan is to turn to my girls & my mfp folks 4 support from now on,...and never give up! thanx everybody 4 sharing yur stories,.....i'm not alone in this!

    Sounds like a good conversation. I can only say what others have said, that this is probably a combination of two things. First, he may have his own insecurities and feel as if your excited comments about the progress you've been making are somehow a criticism of him for not doing the same. Second, as someone else noted above, at least when we first get into this, we can get a bit one-track-mind. I've had to watch this in conversations across the board, so that I'm not constantly going on about what I've been doing diet and exercise-wise. It's natural to feel the urge to do so, because it's taking up a lot of our mental space. But I can totally see how it might get redundant to others.

    So, share major milestones with your hubby, but on a daily basis come here with like-minded folks who are going through the same thing.
  • chubbygirl253
    chubbygirl253 Posts: 1,309 Member
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    my fiance acts interested and cheers me on a lot. He's a sweetheart and my biggest cheerleader. I think he's sincere but you never really know. If he ever lets on that he's sick of hearing about all my progress reports I'll just try to hold in my excitement. It's so hard when you're doing great you wanna shout it from the mountain tops.

    on the other hand, my twin sister who has always been slimmer and taller than me has gotten pretty chunky. I'm still fatter but she is green with envy over my success so far. I work out 3 hours a day/ 6 days a wk and I stick to my diet plan but instead of being proud of my 30-lb loss she gives me nothing but attitude, eye rolls, and snaps at me for no reason. She tried starting a diet right around the same time I did but it didn't last long. Couple weeks tops. I'm pretty sure she won't do anything different until she sees me getting smaller than her and that will get her butt in gear. She just doesn't wanna be the fatter twin. But i've been the fat twin for over 20 years so she can do whatever she wants but I'm not getting off track! It hurts that she can't be supportive but in the end I'm doing this for me and no one else so she can suck it.
  • almart007
    almart007 Posts: 71 Member
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    I'm working on becoming more fit for myself. It'd be nice if my wife would give me a compliment every now and then but after 33 yrs of marriage I know my wife isn't the type to compliment me so I'm doing this for myself and if one day my wife notices that I changed that's all right the thing is I know I'm losing weight and starting to feel better. Sometimes change can cause our mates to react in a different way then we think they would.
  • paintlisapurple
    paintlisapurple Posts: 982 Member
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    Yep I hear ya. I try to connect with my husband that way sometimes too. Just tonight as a matter of fact I was looking at peoples' before and after pics for inspiration. (I've lost 20lbs total so far 10 here and 10 previous to starting on m.f.p.) All he said was "yeah your boobs are smaller."
    UGH.
    Some Men!!!!
    :grumble:
  • laurenz2501
    laurenz2501 Posts: 839 Member
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    First off i just wanna say that you sound like an awesome, strong chick. it seems like a lot of people on this site are having that problem and i don't understand it. i know some people are attracted to bigger people and others are attracted to small/thin people, and when the significant other changes it completely alters the relationship because it's "not the person they fell in love with in the first place". BUT on the other hand, why wouldn't you want your mate to get healthy/fit, when in turn it makes them a much happier person? I personally know I'm 100x happier when I exercise and eat right. I mean no one wants a miserable slob on the couch, come on! Do you think maybe it's him feeling insecure? Could he stand to exercise more and get in shape himself, so he feels that you're one-upping him? That's a shame that he made you cry and it makes me mad and sad for you. My answer is this: don't stop what you're doing, but you already know that. I'm sure he has some sense of pride in what you're doing, but maybe feels "less than". Just don't let it stop you. We only get one shot so just keep pushing on and don't mention anything fitness related to him. And yeah, do it for ONLY YOU first.
  • Agator82
    Agator82 Posts: 249 Member
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    Sometimes spouses and friends just get tired of listening to what they view as an obsession. That's why the support and discussion here is so helpful. My spouse still offers me things he knows I won't take, although he is very happy to eat well (we always have) and with my progress. I do buy a few things for him that I don't often eat, mainly bagels, cheese and icecream. I have a very good friend who I don't even mention MFP, weight loss, exercise or label reading to anymore. So come here for support and make small changes in the meal plans and wait for him to notice!

    Ditto this (except swap the gender references on the pronouns). I am thankful that the people around me have not thrown me out a window!

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