Boyfriend Pains (men please read)

ashesfromfire

So I've been working hard to get in shape, get all sexy and healthy again, but one of my biggest obstetrical has been my partner, I started at about 5'5" and 240 (still hard to admit) while he is somewhere in the range of 6'1" and 170lbs. (tall skinny guy) He expressed concerned for the amount of weight I gained, he wants me to be healthy and I understand that. He's also admitted to thinking I looked better at a lesser weight (both of these things he has put very gently, not rude or demeaning) However, he's given me zero support on my actual weight loss journey. He gives me a hard time about checking calories or eating less than I used to (like any one human really needs to eat half a pizza in one sitting!). He keeps telling me to eat what tastes good and not care about what it is or how many calories. I've been trying to get him interested in working out with me and he's continually shot me down. Tonight I suggested we train for a 5k together. Our college is hosting one a little less than two months from now and I thought it would be a good push for the both of us. Man oh man did he shoot me down fast! However, his reasoning was that it would make him realize how "weak and pathetic" he is (two qualities that I do not think apply to him at all). I tried to explain that doing it would be a great way to get strong and in shape and he continued to shut me down - even saying he wouldnt like to be there to cheer me on if I did it alone. What gives?! Men of the MFP world, what's going on in his head?

Edit: We've been together almost 4 years. When we started dating i was about 180, dropped down to 160, and hav worked up to the awful starting weight of 20. When i dropped the 20 the first time he was very supportive. I dont know what makes this different. ALSO I know he doesn't think he's too skinny, He wants to lose at least ten pounds (which is a small feet in the eyes of the 80 total I'm trying to drop

Pedal_Pusher

What a dlck.....

ashesfromfire

What a dlck.....

hahahahaha well he's usually not, but in this case he really is being very usupportive

zeedo_odeez

What gives?! Men of the MFP world, what's going on in his head?

He already answered this for you.

Man oh man did he shoot me down fast! However, his reasoning was that it would make him realize how "weak and pathetic" he is

He's insecure about how weak and skinny he feels. For guys being too skinny is as bad (or worse) than being too fat when it comes to self image.

wingchunrick

He's insecure because you're becoming attractive to other men. Don't let him stop you in your journey.

MellowGa

time for you to dump him and move on

stoocake

Sorry to hear about that. I love working out with my girlfriend and it's a great way to spend time together. Hopefully you can talk him round.

taunto

There are certain things that every couple shouldn't do. For him, he doesn't want to workout with you. As for the comments about him bringing in yummy foods, believe it or not in his mind you can eat whatever you want just less. There are people out there (lucky wankers I say!) who can eat couple of spoons of icecream and then walk away.... mortals like me (and perhaps you too?) can't do it but in his mind dieting is literally that simple and he doesn't get the concept. As to whats the solution, thats your call since you know him better than I do

hiddenaudacity

Sorry to hear about that. I love working out with my girlfriend and it's a great way to spend time together. Hopefully you can talk him round.

Love this!!! ^^

Cr01502

It's hard. The truth is it sounds like your boyfriend is just one of those people who is pretty content with the body he has and isn't really looking to make changes. I would just keep doing what your doing and not worry about whether or not you two are on the same page as far as fitness goes. A lot of my family and friends eat crap food and don't exercise. Do I approve? Nope but I can't do a lot to change it. People can only find a lifestyle that suits them in their own way and it doesn't do any good to bother them about it (in fact in my experience it usually makes it worse).

However, that said I would explain to him that although he can eat whatever he wants and be happy with his body you can't. And he needs to not be obstructive in your journey towards self inprovement.

This is my opinion anyway.

EvgeniZyntx

Time to have a frank talk with him - if he can't be supportive of these types of life choices you need to decide if he will be supportive of more important things - oh, wait - isn't your lifestyle and body not one of the most important things?

Talk, talk, talk. If you can't ...

Missklara

I'm not a guy but...
My suggestion isn't to dump him ofc. I think you should go for it! Alone. If he wants you to eat healthier and work out, do it, but do it without including him too much into all that. Ii don't see why you two should work out together. Do it alone or find some girl friend to do it with
and don't talk about calories in front of him if it gets on his nerves. I don't see any big problem in that.
Good luck!

kingofcrunk

You know him better than all of us. If he loves you and cares for you then there must be a reason that he doesn't want to support you in this. You have to work out what that reason is and try to persuade him that it doesn't matter or work out a way to get round it! Good luck in working it out

RubyRubixcube

yeah my bf had the same issues with being a skinny weakling... which given his line of work he is certainly not weak... but he is quite svelte.. Since I've moved in an been cooking, food shopping and packing lunches he's gained close to 10kg and he's alot happier and confident... almost ready to start lifting and getting muscly

beautsarah

I know you said Men, but....

I have to agree he seems sorta insecure. It was easy to complain about it, and when you actually started doing something about it he realized that it will be come a reality he might lose you. I honestly feel like you should talk to him, and make it clear that you need people who are supportive, and those who aren't can get lost, him included. If you had a spouse who was a recovering alcoholic you wouldn't be dangling liquor in front of them (dramatic I know). You deserve a man who wants you to be at your best, and who makes you better. And someone who you can make better. I was in a similar situation so I sympathize with you, but you have to decide what is important. I wish you the best in your weight loss journey you can do it!

geekyjock76

This is why dating a woman who is truly serious about fitness and leading a healthy lifestyle is number 1 in terms of compatibility for me. I've dated a few non-active women before and it's too much drama and too many excuses. I don't want to hear someone state day after day that they'll start working out or eating better tomorrow - I want to see them take initiative and do it.

Stuz359

The truth is that he is scared of losing the status quo. I've seen it a few times in relationships, and it's not always the guy. When one of the two goes and does something positive, whether it be going back to college/uni, losing weight or even something like stopping smoking, the partner seems to act like a ****. They are afraid of losing control, probably subconsciously as well so they are not even aware of it.

Sit down and talk to him about it, let him know how you feel, explain the reasons that you want to get healthy. At the moment, he is just seeing you change, and it scares him.

BrianSharpe

If he's such a jerk now just imagine what it will be like when you're married with kids.

zoombaby

"Dump him and move on" they are 4 years together common people get serious with the "advice's"

For sure he's insecure about himself, no question about it other then that he actually might be lazy, or ignorant or both other then that its very hard to say anything more about the guy you describe from your point of view. Anyway, I say you should talk to him and tell him how stuff goes. Tell him what you feel and what you think about he's not supportive, also mention how much he mean to you (or not whatever it is), and specially don't tell him you asked advice on some random forum.

From my experience, people usually broke down after one of the partners go a different road then "usual" and other partner doesn't follow, no mater woman or male.

You need to decide weather or not that guy is good for you, and how much you would want to invest of your time and effort to keep you guys together. Relationships are usually broken by two people, not only one no matter what others tell you so talk to the guy!

tadpole242

The bigger question is, why do you want him to change to suit you?

trudyblender

There are certain things that every couple shouldn't do. For him, he doesn't want to workout with you. As for the comments about him bringing in yummy foods, believe it or not in his mind you can eat whatever you want just less. There are people out there (lucky wankers I say!) who can eat couple of spoons of icecream and then walk away.... mortals like me (and perhaps you too?) can't do it but in his mind dieting is literally that simple and he doesn't get the concept. As to whats the solution, thats your call since you know him better than I do

trudyblender

I agree with this person. And perhaps those who are saying he may be a bit insecure about his own skinniness. He sounds like a really great guy who may be unaware as to how best he can show his support and the extent to which you want his support. Sitting down and having an open, honest conversation about what you want him to do may be a good idea. Sometimes boys don't get hints; they need to be told EXACTLY what you want them to do Silly boys. Sounds like you found yourself a keeper, though!

trudyblender

"Dump him and move on" they are 4 years together common people get serious with the "advice's"

For sure he's insecure about himself, no question about it other then that he actually might be lazy, or ignorant or both other then that its very hard to say anything more about the guy you describe from your point of view. Anyway, I say you should talk to him and tell him how stuff goes. Tell him what you feel and what you think about he's not supportive, also mention how much he mean to you (or not whatever it is), and specially don't tell him you asked advice on some random forum.

From my experience, people usually broke down after one of the partners go a different road then "usual" and other partner doesn't follow, no mater woman or male.

You need to decide weather or not that guy is good for you, and how much you would want to invest of your time and effort to keep you guys together. Relationships are usually broken by two people, not only one no matter what others tell you so talk to the guy!

trudyblender

This guy has good advice!

CraigmileD

Sounds like a tough situation and I'm sorry that he seems uninterested. I'm in a similar scenario with my wife, just the roles are reversed. I'm trying to get more fit and she isn't although she's the one that's gotten more out of shape than I have. One thing I've learned over the 13 years we've been married is that we're not likely to change each other.

My advice to you would be to keep doing what you're doing with your exercise and do it for you. You may just have to lead by example. However, if you continue to push the issue with him, he's more than likely just going to build up a resentment and that's not a good thing. Just back off pushing him and do what you need to do for yourself. He may come around he may not.

Briko3

What gives?! Men of the MFP world, what's going on in his head?

He already answered this for you.

Man oh man did he shoot me down fast! However, his reasoning was that it would make him realize how "weak and pathetic" he is

He's insecure about how weak and skinny he feels. For guys being too skinny is as bad (or worse) than being too fat when it comes to self image.

^^^^This. AND that deep down he's afraid that you'll out perform him. Lots of guys feel that way, but won't admit it.

Koldnomore

The bigger question is, why do you want him to change to suit you?

^^THIS.

Why should he cater to your desire for him to work out with you? Why should he go and do something (run 5k) that he has expressed desire not to do - the reason is irrelevant. When you met him and for the past 4 years you have been happy with him the way he is and he was happy with you the way you are/were so why do you wish to force him to change? You can not make someone change to suit you. He is not an *kitten* because he won't change, he is who he always was.

However, if you continue to push the issue with him, he's more than likely just going to build up a resentment and that's not a good thing. Just back off pushing him and do what you need to do for yourself. He may come around he may not.

THIS also^^

If you find that you can't possibly continue to love him just because he is happy with the way he looks or is not yet ready (and may not ever be) to change then dump him but honestly.. 4 years is a long time to throw away a relationship over something so trivial as him not wanting to work out with you. I mean it's not like he is holding you down and force feeding you.

I would ask him not to comment on your food inspections and tell him that in return you will stop bugging him about working out. <== problem solved.

Briko3

The bigger question is, why do you want him to change to suit you?

^^THIS.

Why should he cater to your desire for him to work out with you? Why should he go and do something (run 5k) that he has expressed desire not to do - the reason is irrelevant. When you met him and for the past 4 years you have been happy with him the way he is and he was happy with you the way you are/were so why do you wish to force him to change? You can not make someone change to suit you. He is not an *kitten* because he won't change, he is who he always was.

However, if you continue to push the issue with him, he's more than likely just going to build up a resentment and that's not a good thing. Just back off pushing him and do what you need to do for yourself. He may come around he may not.

THIS also^^

If you find that you can't possibly continue to love him just because he is happy with the way he looks or is not yet ready (and may not ever be) to change then dump him but honestly.. 4 years is a long time to throw away a relationship over something so trivial as him not wanting to work out with you. I mean it's not like he is holding you down and force feeding you.

I would ask him not to comment on your food inspections and tell him that in return you will stop bugging him about working out. <== problem solved.

It's normal for us to want people in our lives to be passionate about the same things as us, but ^^^this is pretty good advice in my opinion.

wrbiii

So I've been working hard to get in shape, get all sexy and healthy again, but one of my biggest obstetrical has been my partner, I started at about 5'5" and 240 (still hard to admit) while he is somewhere in the range of 6'1" and 170lbs. (tall skinny guy) He expressed concerned for the amount of weight I gained, he wants me to be healthy and I understand that. He's also admitted to thinking I looked better at a lesser weight (both of these things he has put very gently, not rude or demeaning) However, he's given me zero support on my actual weight loss journey. He gives me a hard time about checking calories or eating less than I used to (like any one human really needs to eat half a pizza in one sitting!). He keeps telling me to eat what tastes good and not care about what it is or how many calories. I've been trying to get him interested in working out with me and he's continually shot me down. Tonight I suggested we train for a 5k together. Our college is hosting one a little less than two months from now and I thought it would be a good push for the both of us. Man oh man did he shoot me down fast! However, his reasoning was that it would make him realize how "weak and pathetic" he is (two qualities that I do not think apply to him at all). I tried to explain that doing it would be a great way to get strong and in shape and he continued to shut me down - even saying he wouldnt like to be there to cheer me on if I did it alone. What gives?! Men of the MFP world, what's going on in his head?

Edit: We've been together almost 4 years. When we started dating i was about 180, dropped down to 160, and hav worked up to the awful starting weight of 20. When i dropped the 20 the first time he was very supportive. I dont know what makes this different. ALSO I know he doesn't think he's too skinny, He wants to lose at least ten pounds (which is a small feet in the eyes of the 80 total I'm trying to drop

I'm going to hazard a guess that if you get serious about this he probably realized you'll leave his *kitten* in the dust... and get tired of his douche baggedness. It sounds like he wants you to be skinny, but doesn't want it bad enough to risk you looking better and deciding you can do better than him.

ashesfromfire

The bigger question is, why do you want him to change to suit you?

I don't. Unless the change you are referring to is me wanting him to go from unsupportive to being supportive - which hopefully is a self explanatory desire. Suggesting we do the run together was just another attempt to get him involved, let him see how hard im working

katamus

My fiance started the same way. "What, you're not gonna eat Checkers with me?" ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I told him that if he wants me to continue to try to look fine as hell, he needs to realize that I'm not going to eat fast food with him. I don't expect him to work out with me (he's 6' 5" and honestly I think he's UNDERweight). I have made or bought seperate meals for us because he doesn't need to adhere to my eating habits.. But we did actually find something to do together, finally. We bought bicycles. It's not much (and definitely not the majority of my working out) but it's something.

Have you actually talked to him about being supportive?