Boyfriend Pains (men please read)
Replies
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(From a gal) ...It sounds like he's insecure about loosing you when you reach your goal and start getting attention from the other men.0
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Talk to him, there's no way we are going to know.0
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I'm not a guy but...
My suggestion isn't to dump him ofc. I think you should go for it! Alone. If he wants you to eat healthier and work out, do it, but do it without including him too much into all that. Ii don't see why you two should work out together. Do it alone or find some girl friend to do it with
and don't talk about calories in front of him if it gets on his nerves. I don't see any big problem in that.
Good luck!
I have been with my boyfriend for a similar amount of time. If he wasn't supportive of my choices I would certainly consider ending things. Luckily we both use MFP even though I have twice as much to lose as he does. When we first got together I was a happy 140lb and since then I've gained 60lb. Even though I'm not happy with my body, he loves me no matter what (and he tells me often). It is disgusting to me that any man would tell his other half that he prefers them skinnier, regardless of how nicely he puts it.
There is no way that you should be happy with working out or watching calories in secret. It undermines everything that a loving relationship should be. I hope you don't listen to advice like this and either talk your boyfriend round or end it with him.
Do not settle for an unsupportive partner. Think about what he will be like if you become pregnant? Women's bodies change and us girls hold weight and water differently to men. Don't let anyone get in the way of your happiness!
Good luck!0 -
I get know support from my better half like you but I am going to do this for me! She thinks I'm fine the way I am but its me that wants to change, so forget what's going on in you other halfs head and do it for yourself.
There is a lot of support on here! When he see how great you doing and look he may change his mind?0 -
Sounds like he's insecure about himself and afraid to make his own changes. He's comfortable with you how you are but knows that you want to make a change to yourself but he's afraid to come out and say it directly.
Control the things you can such as the pizza example. Have one or two slices, whatever you're comfortable with and then say you're full and push it away.
It's tough when there's a lack of support from your loved ones but at some point you have to decide if it's about you or him as individuals or or the two of you as a couple.0 -
Time to use the delete button and re-boot. Good luck with your journey, but there is one piece of baggage you should put in lost property.
:drinker:0 -
This. I'm married 14 years with kids.If he's such a jerk now just imagine what it will be like when you're married with kids.
Find a guy who enjoys doing physical exercises with you in his free time. Find a guy who loves to bike, hike, run, ski, and try new things. I knew my husband didn't like to do these things when I married him. I love him for many more qualities than less. But if I want to do these things, I do it alone. I don't share anymore because it puts him on the defense. I realized its my journey not his. It's a lonely path. Hopefully this helps you. Good luck to you.:flowerforyou:0 -
"Dump him and move on" they are 4 years together common people get serious with the "advice's"
For sure he's insecure about himself, no question about it other then that he actually might be lazy, or ignorant or both other then that its very hard to say anything more about the guy you describe from your point of view. Anyway, I say you should talk to him and tell him how stuff goes. Tell him what you feel and what you think about he's not supportive, also mention how much he mean to you (or not whatever it is), and specially don't tell him you asked advice on some random forum.
From my experience, people usually broke down after one of the partners go a different road then "usual" and other partner doesn't follow, no mater woman or male.
You need to decide weather or not that guy is good for you, and how much you would want to invest of your time and effort to keep you guys together. Relationships are usually broken by two people, not only one no matter what others tell you so talk to the guy!
THIS!0 -
What a dlck.....
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"Dump him and move on" they are 4 years together common people get serious with the "advice's"
For sure he's insecure about himself, no question about it other then that he actually might be lazy, or ignorant or both other then that its very hard to say anything more about the guy you describe from your point of view. Anyway, I say you should talk to him and tell him how stuff goes. Tell him what you feel and what you think about he's not supportive, also mention how much he mean to you (or not whatever it is), and specially don't tell him you asked advice on some random forum.
From my experience, people usually broke down after one of the partners go a different road then "usual" and other partner doesn't follow, no mater woman or male.
You need to decide weather or not that guy is good for you, and how much you would want to invest of your time and effort to keep you guys together. Relationships are usually broken by two people, not only one no matter what others tell you so talk to the guy!
^^^^ The most reasonable man I think I've ever heard. Enough said.0 -
The point is... it doesn't matter WHAT THE BF THINKS... or what his reasons are. You HAVE to lose weight for YOU, for your health, NOT for his approval or not "with his blessings." I go through the same thing, (wife's lack of motivation) and so do many friends of mine. It's true he may have some insecurities, he might prefer you larger because it keeps you grounded and focused on him.
You have to lose weight your own reasons. It only gets harder as you get older.0 -
For me, working out is a really personal thing. I like to work out alone and just focus on my form, breathing, etc. I've tried working out with friends and stuff and it's fine for socializing but I don't get nearly as good of a workout. I'm kind of relieved my boyfriend doesn't want to work out!
However, with the food thing, that must be tough. My boyfriend has never said anything about me gaining weight, needing to lose weight, etc. He knows that I am serious about losing weight though, and he helps me out. He will gladly eat all the healthy meals I cook, and he cooks them for me. If he wants to eat something "bad", he will do it at work or when he's not around me so it doesn't tempt me or make me feel bad. He always tells me I'm looking good and I have no shame in flexing my muscles for him or lifting up my shirt to show him my "new abs" hahah
I honestly would probably have a really hard time without all of his positivity and support, food-wise. I can exercise. You just get up and do it. Food is another story, and a lot of us are here because we have a love of delicious food!
I think you might have to sit down with him and explain what you're trying to do, why you're doing it, and what it takes to get there (such as not eating half a pizza). Tell him it's ok if he doesn't work out with you, but you'd really appreciate his support with eating healthy and it would really help you, plus you'll get all sexy for him!! Also, remind him you are losing weight for yourself and for the enjoyment of him only, nobody else. Men sometimes get insecure that you're going to leave them once you lose weight.
Good luck!0 -
Fitness is a lifestyle and sometimes that lifestyle doesn't have room for slackers/lazy's/non-motivated people. I experienced something like this with my family when I was training for a Bodybuilding show. I was cutting out a lot of food. Food that the normal person didn't thing was bad. I started boiling my chicken, fresh veggies without any season, etc... the list goes on. Once I started dropping weight and shaping up, I kept getting "That's just not healthy!" How is eatting several cups of fresh veggies (not canned), several serverings of fruit, and lean meat not health??
Set your eyes on the prize and don't let anything or anyone, including yourself , from keeping you from reaching your goals. It's important you to do this, it should be important to him. If not.... you two should talk to find out where each others hearts are. No matter what, DO NOT give up on your fitness goals.0 -
I have been with my fiancee for 4 years too. If it was me, I would just sit him down and say how I feel. I kind of went through this.
1) We cant go out to eat at places I cant count calories
2) No food gifts
3) It is much easier for me to be at home or pack a healthy lunch than eat out
4) This is something I really want even if he thinks I am perfect
He does not like exercising but will ask if I am going to the gym or working out at home.
Something I figured out a while ago is that my fiancee does not have to be everything and I dont have to be everything for him. For example if I want to talk fashion and makeup, female friends are way better. I understand he isnt into fashion and makeup and that is ok. I am so not into videogames but if he wants to be a geek he has friends for that. The same goes for exercise, for me, if he isnt interested as much as I want I can get the support elsewhere. He is not allowed to sabatoge my goals but he does not have to be super interested in everything I do. I dont think it is a big deal.
Spell it out in black and white what exactly you need from him. Chances are he will be receptive to your needs if he really cares for you.0 -
First, I do not think that this is an issue specific to men or women. I have read many posts from both sexes that talk about the mixed messages they get from their significant others. And, I have experienced the same from my wife.
For me, I view my situation as something similar to an alcoholic or drug addict. "Hello, my name is Kyle and I am addicted to over eating!"No disrespect to people suffering from these very serious addictions!! Just saying that addiction has many forms and I feel that for me, eating was/is an addiction.
So, if we take this analogy and apply it to our significant others. We find that people who are not addicted can never really understand what it is to be addicted. As an aside, I watched a weight loss show once and one of the participants refused to work with one of the fitness trainers. Her comment was that she could not work with a trainer that had never been over weight as that person had no connection/understanding of what is like to be obese and what it takes, physically and emotionally to over come. And, to a certain extent, I agree and understand.
As I started to lose weight and increase my exercise, my wife was extremely supportive. And, she still is, to a degree. What she thought and I think many people who "diet" think is that losing weight has a beginning and an end. We start at X lbs and lose weight until we get to Y lbs and then it is over and life goes on. Well, this is not how it worked for me. I replaced on addiction with another. Now, instead of a bag of chips, tub of dip and a bottle of Coke. I run, bike, weight train, or go to a martial arts class. And, I just signed up for an adult gymnastics class for the fall. I train 7 days per week!
This new life style is troublesome to my wife. First it takes time, time that I am not spending with her. Second, she does not share my passion and thus does not understand the appeal. So now, as much as she loves and supports my new healthy lifestyle. She gets frustrated to hear me say almost every day "See you later, off to ...... (gym, run, bike, etc, etc.)
I cannot advise anyone on how to work through this as I am still trying to figure it out myself. What I do try and do is schedule as much time with my wife as our two schedules allow. One of our current fun things to do is go for a leisurely bike ride to a little restaurant by the water and have breakfast on their balcony. Followed by a walk to check out the nice boats docked close by and some times the artisan market that is close by. Of course this all takes place after I have my morning run! :-)
Best of luck working this out with your boyfriend. It will be work but I am confident that you can get it sorted out.0 -
The bigger question is, why do you want him to change to suit you?
I don't. Unless the change you are referring to is me wanting him to go from unsupportive to being supportive - which hopefully is a self explanatory desire. Suggesting we do the run together was just another attempt to get him involved, let him see how hard im working
And you cannot see anything wrong with that?I've been trying to get him interested in working out with me
Tonight I suggested we train for a 5k together.
I thought it would be a good push for the both of us.
I know he doesn't think he's too skinny0 -
Subtle doesnt always work. I would be like hey I am going to do this 5k in a couple months and would like someone to do this with me. I would rather you do it with me but I can go with someone else if you dont want to.The bigger question is, why do you want him to change to suit you?
I don't. Unless the change you are referring to is me wanting him to go from unsupportive to being supportive - which hopefully is a self explanatory desire. Suggesting we do the run together was just another attempt to get him involved, let him see how hard im working
And you cannot see anything wrong with that?I've been trying to get him interested in working out with me
Tonight I suggested we train for a 5k together.
I thought it would be a good push for the both of us.
I know he doesn't think he's too skinny0 -
obviously, we are only hearing one side of the story, but I think the insecurity thing is a possibility and maybe just plain old insensitivity to your needs/feelings. If he is skinny and has never had to deal with any of this, he probably doesn't understand what the big deal is.
Sounds like he likes the idea of you being in better shape, but doesn't want to deal with the habits that go with that because they don't apply to him. Kind of self centered. In essence, you are changing your relationship because you all can't do some of the things you used to do and you are trying to introduce new things. When the relationship started, none of that was part of "the deal" and he is probably thinking that he didn't sign on for this.
I'm not going to say to dump him, but you all need to have a long discussion about how tings are changing and that they are not temporary. If he can't accept that, then its pretty much game over.
Like was said before, if you feel like he is being unsupportive about you being healthy and doing something that HE thought was a good idea, you need to be thinking about where your relationship is going and if you can deal with that kind of attitude for the rest of your life. Four years is a long time, but its better to cut losses before any kids come into the picture.0 -
health is contagious. My husband runs every day now that I started taking care of myself. He didn't want to be left behind. Figure out if this is a deal breaker or not or if it is something you can live with. You know him better, maybe he will be the one leading you in the future. Maybe he is just not ready for it yet. How important is fitness to you and how important is your boyfriend to you? I don't waste my time with things I can't change about my husband. He is the best man and father that I know. There will always be little things that annoy me, but the big picture is the most important.0
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boyfriends suck. I work hard in the gym and have been having great results...what does my boyfriend tell me? "Lose anymore weight or lose your butt and i'm gone". Granted, i'm sure he's kidding, but still. That a-hole better be glad i love him.0
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boyfriends suck. I work hard in the gym and have been having great results...what does my boyfriend tell me? "Lose anymore weight or lose your butt and i'm gone". Granted, i'm sure he's kidding, but still. That a-hole better be glad i love him.
I get that a lot.. 'you're not going to lose your boobs right?'....*thinks*... 'oh, ok carry on'0 -
I'm having the same issue...but my man is 6"2 and about 320 or so...so yes he needs to lose some weight too but i've never pushed him. i've asked him to join me on my journey, but he says he doesn't have time to workout. and then he'll complain later on about his size. and im stuck in the middle trying to get me straightened out. and he's worried that when i lose my weight i wont want to be with him anymore b/c of his size. he thinks i'll find someone better looking than him and in more shape. he got mad at me yesterday b/c i couldnt decide where to eat b/c i really wasn't hungry and was probably going to get a salad from where ever we went. one day it seems like he'll be supportive...the next not so much.& he's like i shouldnt be this way and i should help and everything...but tomorrow will probably be different....
men..can't live w/ them...can't live w/o them :grumble:
but it would be nice if both men & women in a relationship where one is trying to accomplish a goal the other needs to support them 100%. like him..he quit smoking :smokin: and i supported him 100% of the way. and when i started my journey on losing weight i said i helped you do that...you need to help me do this...
so good luck girl0 -
The best way to get your significant other to eat right and exercise is not to talk about those things, it's to actually do them. When your boyfriend sees you going to the gym and eating healthy food, it'll be a lot harder for him to pretend there's nothing wrong with sitting on the couch and eating potatoe chips all day. As you get in better shape and look healthier, he'll want to do it too. That's when you start asking him to exercise with you (don't even think about asking him to "diet").0
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What gives?! Men of the MFP world, what's going on in his head?
He already answered this for you.Man oh man did he shoot me down fast! However, his reasoning was that it would make him realize how "weak and pathetic" he is
He's insecure about how weak and skinny he feels. For guys being too skinny is as bad (or worse) than being too fat when it comes to self image.
yep. you make him look bad!!!!
plus he probably thinks when you lose weight and look even more hot you'll ditch him for some dude from the gym with a 6 pack!
you just need to reassure him you love him, but after that leave him to his b*tching and moaning.
its quiet sad that he wouldnt support you doing a 5k, that makes him sound like a bit of a d*ck!0 -
SOME men are silly creatures. I once dated a guy who wanted me to lose some weight. He told me it was easy, and to do what he did and eat grapes for a week. Yeah. Seriously.
Current boyfriend wont get up. Wont even log calories but will complain all day about his own size. ANNOYING. He's getting better though....3 servings of my healthier, lower calorie foods are better for him than 3 servings of what he'd prepare or buy himself. Guess that is a step in the right direction. Hope it works out for you soon!0 -
YOU need to do what YOU need to do for YOU! Not him. He can embrace it, he can ignore it, he can be an @ss and leave... But in the end, this is about YOU and your health. His insecurity is holding you back.
Have you ever flown in a plane and listened to the flight attendent... You know the drill? In case of a loss of cabin pressure, masks will fall down... The one thing they consistently say is that you need to put your own mask on first before you should help anyone else. Metaphorically... that mask is your health. Before you can work on anything else...Work on You!
Now that being said, you will feel empowered and you will have an amazing confidence boost, if you set a goal and keep it (with or without him). I think your decision to run a 5 K is a fantastic goal. In the words of Nike... Just Do it!0
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