healthier/sexier than your spouse now?? is this bad??

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twonkieone
twonkieone Posts: 132
in Motivation and Support
so...i've had 5 babies and my fair share of not looking so hot. but, i've always been committed to eating healthy and going to the gym. in the last year i've lost almost 50 pounds and am looking almost better than i did before i ever got pregnant. now my hubs is just the opposite -- no gym/exercise/workout, eats ****, hates the doctor -- and it shows. anyone else out there having an :issue: with getting your sexy back and having a spouse who's going the other way but doesn't really seem to care? we've been together since high school so i'm 100% sure i'm not gonna change him or get him to go with me. the food i eat is in the fridge - he's an adult who chooses to eat otherwise. starting to annoy me that i'm kicking *kitten* and looking hot .... and he's not!!!
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  • genefabes
    genefabes Posts: 132
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    does he have the Peter Griffin philosophy that men aren't fat, only fat women are fat? ;)

    have you talked to him about how making changes?
  • Cherrybomb2012
    Cherrybomb2012 Posts: 77
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    hey,he needs to keep up or get left behind! kick his *kitten* into gear and be honest with him!
  • Living4Liz2012
    Living4Liz2012 Posts: 312
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    I kind of know how you feel. I do not have any kids, but me and my ex fiance were together about 5 1/2 years. When I started my journey I was about 280 pounds, out of shape and just a hot mess. He on the other hand was slim, and well we were the perfect couple...lol...in a sad way. Anyways when I made the decision to loose the weight, hit the gym and watch what I ate it put a huge toll on our relationship. Here I was trying to be a sexy woman, and well he just let himself go. Sadly after the fighting, and not seeing eye to eye we are no longer together. NOT SAYING YOU TWO WILL NOT WORK OUT, BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT HIM DOWN, AND REALLY TALK ABOUT IT AND LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU THINK AND FEEL. I know the feelings you are going through right now, and it sucks. I know everything will work out for you too. Just be strong, stay focus and talk till your blue in the face. Congrats on your weightloss,and best of luck to you on your journey:)
  • toysbigkid
    toysbigkid Posts: 545 Member
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    Just be careful that your not the one getting a big head. Talk to him and ask him to join you, tell him how much you feel better, healthier and so. Who knows, maybe he will join you.
  • toysbigkid
    toysbigkid Posts: 545 Member
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    I didn't mean that statement to be mean, sorry if it sounds like that. Good luck on your journey, your doing great.
  • ToughTulip
    ToughTulip Posts: 1,118 Member
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    How did he feel about you when you were at your worst? Do you think he said the same about you?
  • PuggleLover
    PuggleLover Posts: 261 Member
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    Find something he likes to do that doesn't revolve around food and do that. Maybe he just hates workouts but I am sure he probably like other fun things.
  • Seriousmom3
    Seriousmom3 Posts: 164
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    Lets imagine that a husband posted that about his wife...I don't think that many people would be backing him up on that statement. That being said. I would be hurt if my hubby blasted that on the web about me. I married my husband because I love him, not the way he looks. Hopefully, that is the same reason he married me. If you don't love him, then fix that, but being mad because he is the same person he was when you met him isn't really his fault.
  • jstandfield
    jstandfield Posts: 150 Member
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    As the former out of shape husband I understand your frustration. My wife decided years ago to get in shape and I was too busy with work. I am sure it was hard for her doing everything alone but I never noticed because I was too "busy" making a life for the family. Eventually things slowed down and now I drag her to the gym. She really can't keep up with me so it was good she had a head start. The moral of the story is keep on doing what you doing and he will eventually come around. Just be ready when he does.
  • PerfectlyThirty
    PerfectlyThirty Posts: 5
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    I think the only way to approach this topic is from a health, not a physical appearance direction. Because if his health eventually causes a stroke or heart attack, for example, then it's YOUR problem too! So if it gets bad enough to have a "see the light" talk, make sure to focus on that. This shows how much you love and care for him, rather than seeming superficial.

    Otherwise, try to find ways to make his favorite meals healthier if you're doing the cooking. I used to be frustrated that my husband never ate the healthy food I made. I try to plan a few meals ahead of time each week, and now I give him several options rather than choosing on my own. Without a doubt, he eats healthier now as a result.
  • Rawr1978
    Rawr1978 Posts: 245 Member
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    My. 02:

    My bf is rail-thin, doesn't exercise, but he can kick my *kitten* at cardio...he eats at most twice a day, and will inhale a bowl of popcorn for a snack. Meaning he doesn't eat often, but when he does...set the trough out.
    Does it annoy me that he wont go to the gym with me? kinda...he wants to bulk up but wont work out. I'd like to see him gain 25lbs, but im more into my own body image, he can do what he wants with his.
    If he suddenly gained 50lbs and was getting chunky? im just not into chunky guys. im, in a large part, trying to lose my chunk for him (and he doesn't even call me heavy- I just know he likes thinner women)
    physical attraction is a big part of romantic love. and you can't help what you are and aren't attracted to.
  • _AllieCat_
    _AllieCat_ Posts: 515 Member
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    Oh man, that's a tough one.

    I am a firm believer in not being able to change people -- a few exceptions.

    Since he is your partner I would bring it up to him that him being healthy means a lot to you and you want him to be around for a long time, etc. Also, you being fit sets a good example for him to maybe get his butt in gear and join you in some healthier habits. Only he can decide if he wants to change for the better, you can;t force him into anything... sadly if it's even for his own good.

    My boyfriend and I have a similar dynamic. I am a self-proclaimed hippie/health nut and he thinks I take it to the extreme sometimes. He has lost weight along with me only because I keep healthier foods around. It has been a slow and frustrating process, but he is slowly following the healthier example I have set. I am proud of him, but if I had attacked him about it straight on things would not have ended well. My moral is, he had to want to change. I can't make anyone do anything they are not ready to do.
  • sweetbippy
    sweetbippy Posts: 189 Member
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    Lets imagine that a husband posted that about his wife...I don't think that many people would be backing him up on that statement. That being said. I would be hurt if my hubby blasted that on the web about me. I married my husband because I love him, not the way he looks. Hopefully, that is the same reason he married me. If you don't love him, then fix that, but being mad because he is the same person he was when you met him isn't really his fault.

    Yes. I was trying to find a way to say this. I've been with my guy for 31 years. We've both gone through our fat and skinny times. In our case, we have motivated each other in the past by finding an activity and doing it together. We took up tennis, golf, biking, lifting, running, even yoga. We did Tae Kwon Do for a few years. Just pick an activity you both find mutually enjoyable, even if it turns out to be bowling. It's a step in the right direction. There's always the activity no guy ever turned down. You can burn calories for days this way! Did he play sports in high school? Is there an adult rec team he could join? Consider the alternative. You could be with a really hot guy, who is a total a@@. Try to encourage him to join you because you want to spend time with him. If he hears your suggestion that he join you as "get your fat butt off the couch" he probably won't respond as well as if he hears "I'm crazy about you and want to enjoy our lives together for many happy, healthy years." Good luck on your own journey. Don't lose an important part of your life because he's packed on a few. Maybe talk to a counselor to see if this is about more for you tha him being a couch potato.
  • Chipmunk222
    Chipmunk222 Posts: 240 Member
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    Just pick an activity you both find mutually enjoyable, even if it turns out to be bowling. It's a step in the right direction. There's always the activity no guy ever turned down.

    Ummmmm...yeah, right...... obviously not the answer in my situation.... my husband's idea of FUN is smoking, drinking and sitting in front of the TV watching reality shows until he falls asleep every night. He has no interest in ANY kind of exercise, eating right or even going out. I never was a drinker but since I quit smoking our relationship has actually gotten worse. It doesn't matter that I am trying to make a positive change, but he sure as heck is upset that I don't share in his desire to live a destructive lifestyle.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
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    hey,he needs to keep up or get left behind! kick his *kitten* into gear and be honest with him!

    At the risk of sounding like a creep, DAMN you have a nice butt!!!
  • Brendajo510
    Brendajo510 Posts: 153
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    My husband can be like that but sometimes its best to just fix healthy food and look at the health side of things. Don't "nag" or push him to eat better and workout because guys can react badly to that. I found the most rewarding thing was finding something he could do. My husband got MFP after I asked him to join with me so that I had a friend. He started to fill out his food intake and was surprised by how many calories he was eating. About a week later he was down 5 pounds (Which I envy him for). That has motivated him to keep it up. I think guys can find it just as discouraging as us women that they do something to lose weight and nothing happens. Sometimes I think its just about finding the right motivator. Plus, he's not going to change unless he wants to. I know that's hard, especially when you are doing so well and want him to share your joy and passions. Just remember to try and keep communication lines open and that you have other things in common. You didn't marry him for his body.
  • twonkieone
    twonkieone Posts: 132
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    Lets imagine that a husband posted that about his wife...I don't think that many people would be backing him up on that statement. That being said. I would be hurt if my hubby blasted that on the web about me. I married my husband because I love him, not the way he looks. Hopefully, that is the same reason he married me. If you don't love him, then fix that, but being mad because he is the same person he was when you met him isn't really his fault.


    oh i'm not saying i don't love him... it's just frustrated that i'm doing everything i can to be healthy, be around for a long time, play with the kids .... and he's literally the total opposite. i guess i take it like he doesn't care - his dad, aunt and uncle all died in their mid 50's so health should be a concern for him. his mom also had breast cancer. we've had the talks - i buy all kinds of good food but we're normal so i also sometimes buy junk food. he'd prefer to sit inside, eat nachos and watch a football game while i'm outside running around with all the kids. maybe sexier wasn't a good choice of words since some think i'm slamming him ... i'm not ... but we're def going in 2 different directions right now ...
  • twonkieone
    twonkieone Posts: 132
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    Chipmunk: we're kinda in the same boat. but he quit smoking and starting chewing. and he watches :man shows: and i rarely watch tv. soooo...... are you also annoyed by it? some people on here made me feel shallow but i'm not ---- i know i didn't marry him for his body but i do look at it every day ..... and it bothers me that he doesn't even try. i don't expect him to love exercise like i do but he literally sits/drives 60 hours a week for work then sits pretty much all night.
  • twonkieone
    twonkieone Posts: 132
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    after 16 years i'm pretty sure he's not gonna join me ..... and that's part of why i'm frustrated .... i do love him and want him to be around but that's not gonna make him change if it hasn't already .... trying to see what others who have gotten in shape do when the spouse has no interest and you're going 2 different directions....
  • twonkieone
    twonkieone Posts: 132
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    does he have the Peter Griffin philosophy that men aren't fat, only fat women are fat? ;)

    have you talked to him about how making changes?

    haha! no .... he just grew up meat/potato and no exercise .... i grew up the opposite. both of our backgrounds are catching up with us i guess ....

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