Weight related relationship advice...
zombie_porno
Posts: 199 Member
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My partner is normally only attracted to women who are thin enough to be on the side of unhealthy. I'm approximately 140 lbs overweight... How do I handle my insecurities?
It doesn't matter that "he's with me" because people often stay with people they're NOT attracted to for a variety of reasons. I'm not asking for reassurance that he is attracted to me. I'm more wondering if this has happened to any of you & how can I deal with it, without being neurotic & self-conscious?
It doesn't matter that "he's with me" because people often stay with people they're NOT attracted to for a variety of reasons. I'm not asking for reassurance that he is attracted to me. I'm more wondering if this has happened to any of you & how can I deal with it, without being neurotic & self-conscious?
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Replies
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It's very difficult to do, especially when you go out and your partner has wandering eyes. There's a lot of skinny, lightly dressed women out there to look at, and it can drive your self esteem straight down into the ground.
Just remember that above all, you are trying to get healthy for YOU, and regardless of what all those skinny *****es look like or dress like, you are an amazing person with so much more to offer then any of them. Good luck, it can be a very difficult road to walk, and just remember. Don't let the *kitten* get you down! Stay positive!0 -
If he's normally only attracted to women that are on the side on unhealthy and he chose you -- at 140lbs overweight. He must've seen something in you that he didn't see in those girls.
Maybe you're wrong about what he finds attractive.0 -
My husband loves women with big round butts! *LOL* I, myself, have the flattest butt you will ever see on a person but he's still with me. I've asked him numerous times why would he choose me to be with knowing that he is a "butt" person and he always tells me that he loves me for a lot of other reasons and that my flat butt doesn't bother him.
I just don't let it bother me. Guys are going to look at other females the same way that girls look at guys. If all he is doing is looking then i wouldn't worry about anything.0 -
Honestly, for me, even when I lost weight I still had that neurotic feeling. I don't think people like to admit they're self conscious or that they have weaknesses so they deny them when asked but we all have them. Just as I am sure your boyfriend would start worrying (even if he doesn't admit it) about you wanting something else if he saw a large decrease in your weight, especially as your confidence goes up.0
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I sympathize with your dilemma. In the end, he will probably end up being with they type of woman he wants.
I would consider the fact that you know his preferences to be fortunate in that you can end the relationship now before you're completely invested and left broken hearted.
And while your single, I encourage you to go become the most kickass, badass, amazing woman you can possibly be. Cause I think you have it in you...
Best wishes on your journey... =D
One other thing... confidence easily takes 20 - 30 pounds off your body weight. Find it and use it liberally.0 -
My partner is normally only attracted to women who are thin enough to be on the side of unhealthy. I'm approximately 140 lbs overweight... How do I handle my insecurities?
It doesn't matter that "he's with me" because people often stay with people they're NOT attracted to for a variety of reasons. I'm not asking for reassurance that he is attracted to me. I'm more wondering if this has happened to any of you & how can I deal with it, without being neurotic & self-conscious?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. When we met, I was 185 (Had just lost over 130 lbs) and he told me (NOT in a mean way) that I was the thickest girl he had ever dated. Now, 6 years and 1 child later, I am back over 300 lbs, and for the longest time questioned everything. But what I did was have to just open my eyes and realize:
1. He wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be.
2. Just LOVE yourself. You have to do that in order to feel and understand the love they have for you.
3. Be open with him about things. My boyfriend would get so mad because I have TONS of clothes, but don't wear any of them. I would be almost embarrassed when I would get dressed and wear the same thing all the time. Finally, I told him "Look, I just can't fit into anything in there!!!" He now doesn't ask...LOL
4. Just keep working on yourself and doing good things for yourself. I will tell you right now, until you are OK with yourself, those insecurities will not go away. But honestly - they are there whether you are heavy or skinny. All women struggle with that at one point or another. It is how you handle, grow and build yourself up that will determine if they stay or go.
Sorry - this is kind of a ramble...but if he doesn't give you a reason to feel insecure, then just work your way through them and talk them out of your head. I have to do that all the time, but my boyfriend has never once said anything negative about my weight. He just wants me healthy so I can be around for a long time.
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It may seem a little silly, but this always helps me feel better about myself. Sit down one day and write a list of things you like about yourself--physical and personality-wise.
Keep that list around and look at it when you feel insecure.
Also, physical preferences change. I almost always go for tall, skinny guys, but I've been known to fall hard for short, thicker guys, too. It's all about the person inside.0 -
If he's normally only attracted to women that are on the side on unhealthy and he chose you -- at 140lbs overweight. He must've seen something in you that he didn't see in those girls.
Maybe you're wrong about what he finds attractive.
He & I knew each other casually for awhile before dating, & we had discussed our types. His own words were "tall, thin girls that look like boys". I'm willing to believe that he sees something in me he loves, I mean he must have, but it doesn't mean I'm visually pleasing to him, you know?0 -
My boyfriend thinks Jenna Elfman and Salma Hayak are the epitome of gorgeous. I look like neither of them and they don't look like each other. That doesn't mean he isn't attracted to me, too.
The boyfriend doesn't look like any of the famous people I tend to find most attractive, either. Doesn't mean I'm not attracted to the boyfriend.
Men are going to look. Well, so are women. We're mammals. It's in our genes. But he chose you, and unless you were thin to the point of unhealthy when you met him and then gained a bunch of weight, I don't think you should worry about it.0 -
This is happening to me as I speak. My husband is from Central America and has only dated tiny little things his whole life. Being with me was an adjustment for him (he didn't have to tell me, I just knew), but he lets me know every posible moment how beautiful he finds me and how he loves every part of my body. Despite his unsolicited encouragement, I still feel like a disgusting cow, but I am using that for motivation. It makes me want to work harder to look nice for him and, further, have the same opinion about myself as he does. I'm actually going to counseling to deal with this and other isues because if I let myself think about it, it makes me depressed, especially since I'll always be huge compared to him because I'm a good 6 inches taller than he is.0
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My partner is normally only attracted to women who are thin enough to be on the side of unhealthy. I'm approximately 140 lbs overweight... How do I handle my insecurities?
It doesn't matter that "he's with me" because people often stay with people they're NOT attracted to for a variety of reasons. I'm not asking for reassurance that he is attracted to me. I'm more wondering if this has happened to any of you & how can I deal with it, without being neurotic & self-conscious?
You are admitting your insecurities and asking if you can be this without being neurotic and self conscious - sorry but that is a bit of a oxymoron there - If you have insecurities being neurotic and self conscious are a part of that condition, The old adage "you have to love yourself before you can love another" is in play here. The only reason why people are insecure is because they do not like something about themselves, I see that you have an EDNOS diagnosis, I hope that you are seeking counseling for these feelings as well because relationships are a strong drive for binging and what not -
Sorry I couldnt be of more help but I think everyone with an EDNO's has gone through this and the insecurity / feelings of neuroticism and self consciousness is the very root of the insecurity itself. If I was not self conscious I would not be insecure, if I was not self conscious I would not be so neurotic about how I look / smell / behave etc.
Good luck -0 -
My husband loves women with big round butts! *LOL* I, myself, have the flattest butt you will ever see on a person but he's still with me. I've asked him numerous times why would he choose me to be with knowing that he is a "butt" person and he always tells me that he loves me for a lot of other reasons and that my flat butt doesn't bother him.
I just don't let it bother me. Guys are going to look at other females the same way that girls look at guys. If all he is doing is looking then i wouldn't worry about anything.
It's not about him looking (though that doesn't HELP my self-esteem as I battle with eating disorders). It's more about a personal insecurity that eventually he'll find someone that looks like all his exes & I'll be a less attractive option.
You know... I'm realizing how crazy I sound writing this all out haha0 -
If he's normally only attracted to women that are on the side on unhealthy and he chose you -- at 140lbs overweight. He must've seen something in you that he didn't see in those girls.
Maybe you're wrong about what he finds attractive.
He & I knew each other casually for awhile before dating, & we had discussed our types. His own words were "tall, thin girls that look like boys". I'm willing to believe that he sees something in me he loves, I mean he must have, but it doesn't mean I'm visually pleasing to him, you know?
GIRL-->>You are visually pleasing to him. Society has RUINED us. No lie. RUINED us. We compare ourselves to what society thinks is beautiful.
Just know that he finds you beautiful! And that's all that matters.0 -
Just as I am sure your boyfriend would start worrying (even if he doesn't admit it) about you wanting something else if he saw a large decrease in your weight, especially as your confidence goes up.
Whoa, that's something I hadn't even thought of... that helps actually in a (probably unhealthy) huge way.0 -
I sympathize with your dilemma. In the end, he will probably end up being with they type of woman he wants.
I would consider the fact that you know his preferences to be fortunate in that you can end the relationship now before you're completely invested and left broken hearted.
And while your single, I encourage you to go become the most kickass, badass, amazing woman you can possibly be. Cause I think you have it in you...
Best wishes on your journey... =D
One other thing... confidence easily takes 20 - 30 pounds off your body weight. Find it and use it liberally.
Thank you for the honesty & the well wishes.0 -
I know this feeling all too well. Granted, my boyfriend tends to like the chubby girls, I feel I'm not just "chubby" I'm fat. But he also draws a lot of eyes from those skinny lightly dressed girls and it gets nerve wracking. To him though, he states he's not attracted, he only has eyes for me etc. But still, when you see a girl that's skinny and showing every inch of body she can that's publicly acceptable... your self esteem drops... or you're like me and want to just punch her.
Since you don't want the reassurance he loves you and is with you for you this is the only other thing I can say that I used to hear from several of my closer guy friends.
A guy may LOOK at skinny girls, and he may be "attracted" to them, but in the long run they're not after some sexy girl that is more than likely a slut. He sees that as "fun". He's looking for a woman that will be able to bear his children (primal instincts) and be a good lover. For that they're looking for more than just the outside. Yes, there has to be a level of attraction, but chances are he finds you attractive phsyically and loves you internally. Depending on how he is though, some guys are just players. They want whatever they can have sex with and they don't care who they hurt in the process. It's another notch in their belt ot say "I sleep with hot girls" compared to "I have a fantastic woman who loves me and I can stay with".
It's hard to explain, but being phsycially attracted and emotionally attracted are different. If he thought you were dog ugly, you'd probably know it. So chin up and stay strong.
That and like someone said before, you're working on getting fit and being a healthier better you. If he stays in your life during, that's great. If he leaves you for someone else who cares, with the new you that you're striding for, you'll be able to find someone who actually appreciates you for you 0 -
You need to look at your insecurities outside of your relationship. Your partner does not and should not determine your value as a person - that is up to you. I have been overweight for over 20 years. I just married my wonderful partner of 7 years. I was 275 pounds when we started dating - he is 7 years younger and many of his friends could not believe he would date someone older and fat. I didn't let my weight determine my value. I am intelligent, educated, talented and a great person to hang out with. He was attracted to who I am, not what I weigh.
Have confidence in WHO you are. The number on ths scale doesn't change it. And if he isn't with you because of WHO you are then you shouldn't waste your time.0 -
My partner is normally only attracted to women who are thin enough to be on the side of unhealthy. I'm approximately 140 lbs overweight... How do I handle my insecurities?
It doesn't matter that "he's with me" because people often stay with people they're NOT attracted to for a variety of reasons. I'm not asking for reassurance that he is attracted to me. I'm more wondering if this has happened to any of you & how can I deal with it, without being neurotic & self-conscious?
I'm about 10lbs heavier than where I want to be but far from overweight.
My SO has. Always dated unhealthy skinny women so I can relate. Best advice I can give you is to tell him how you feel. Mine was really bad about that stuff and commenting on my weight and it made jealousy rear it's ugly head.
Another piece of advice is to focus on you and getting yourself where you want to be hopefully your confidence will boost as well 0 -
As a mature lady, I would suggest that perhaps your partner is attracted to the REAL you, the personality that is YOU! What ever size or shape you are or will be he'll like your sense of humour, your charisma and the fact that you make his day!
My other half is a lot larger than he used to be, I would say I prefer slimmer, trimmer men, but honestly, I've not met anyone to compare to him, bonus is he puts up with me!
All men look at other women, my frien once told me that when he had a large chested gf he would look at tiny tops and visa versa!0 -
I sympathize with your dilemma. In the end, he will probably end up being with they type of woman he wants.
I would consider the fact that you know his preferences to be fortunate in that you can end the relationship now before you're completely invested and left broken hearted.
And while your single, I encourage you to go become the most kickass, badass, amazing woman you can possibly be. Cause I think you have it in you...
Best wishes on your journey... =D
One other thing... confidence easily takes 20 - 30 pounds off your body weight. Find it and use it liberally.
wow... Mr. Sunshine here...
On another note, men aren't ALL shallow. We look, we like, but at the end of the day, you are with the woman you like to be around. No matter how hot a chick is, if she is annoying as hell, you can't stand her after a week and she becomes "ugly". Maybe he likes you for the person you are.
Hot is for flings, personality is marriage material.0 -
double post0
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My partner is normally only attracted to women who are thin enough to be on the side of unhealthy. I'm approximately 140 lbs overweight... How do I handle my insecurities?
It doesn't matter that "he's with me" because people often stay with people they're NOT attracted to for a variety of reasons. I'm not asking for reassurance that he is attracted to me. I'm more wondering if this has happened to any of you & how can I deal with it, without being neurotic & self-conscious?
Don't worry, I have for as long as I can remember been attracted only to larger girls. My wife and I are both losing weight together and as I see her weight drop It makes me excited to think about what she will look like when she reaches her goal. I guess what I mean is that i'm attracted to her; more than just how she looks.0 -
Just as I am sure your boyfriend would start worrying (even if he doesn't admit it) about you wanting something else if he saw a large decrease in your weight, especially as your confidence goes up.
Whoa, that's something I hadn't even thought of... that helps actually in a (probably unhealthy) huge way.
The answer to all your problems is trust and good communication. Tell him how you feel.0 -
That’s a tough one.
My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. We’ve been talking marriage for the last year and a half. We plan to be officially engaged soon. He recently revealed to me that he’s worried about me gaining weight after we get married.
It crushed me. Seriously. I’ve had weight issues my whole life. At my high weight I was wearing a size 18-20. I was down 50 pounds and maintained for a few years before I met him, wearing a size 14. He was always complimentary of my looks and my body. His being so attracted to me helped me get over a lot of my insecurities about my body. Even if I wasn’t happy with how I looked, he was and I loved that.
Since we’ve been together I’ve gained a bit and lost it again. I’m actually down to a size 12 now. Until he said something, I had no idea the thought would have even concerned him. I know I don’t want to gain weight, but since it’s a struggle for me and always has been, I can’t make any promises. And the added pressure of him losing attraction makes it seem almost overwhelming to me.
So yeah, not sure I have any advice. Just to say I kinda know what you’re feeling.0 -
People always have physical attributes they find more attractive than others, but the reality is, they don't really factor into the emotional connection with someone.
I have a thing for dark hair, but am currently dating a blonde. I really like her and find her very attractive, even though she's not the "type" that's usually in my head.
For your own confidence, stop comparing yourself to others. Remind yourself everyday of what is great about you. Having self-confidence is itself a very attractive attribute. You're on MFP, which means you are working toward some awesome goals. Be proud of that.0 -
That’s a tough one.
My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. We’ve been talking marriage for the last year and a half. We plan to be officially engaged soon. He recently revealed to me that he’s worried about me gaining weight after we get married.
It crushed me. Seriously. I’ve had weight issues my whole life. At my high weight I was wearing a size 18-20. I was down 50 pounds and maintained for a few years before I met him, wearing a size 14. He was always complimentary of my looks and my body. His being so attracted to me helped me get over a lot of my insecurities about my body. Even if I wasn’t happy with how I looked, he was and I loved that.
Since we’ve been together I’ve gained a bit and lost it again. I’m actually down to a size 12 now. Until he said something, I had no idea the thought would have even concerned him. I know I don’t want to gain weight, but since it’s a struggle for me and always has been, I can’t make any promises. And the added pressure of him losing attraction makes it seem almost overwhelming to me.
So yeah, not sure I have any advice. Just to say I kinda know what you’re feeling.
See, that would WRECK me! If you love ME, my looks shouldn't matter. When I love someone, looks are the last thing I care about. I think people are just too hung up on looks now.0 -
Hmmm... Personally if he sees something in you at 140lb overweight, have a little faith and ALOT more confidence!!! Its not ALL about looks mami... I know its hard to not be insecure knowing maybe what his past girl looked like, but sometimes you just gotta believe in what you got!! Good Luck!!!0
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Some things to consider...
-- Is your goal to have a body which matches an ideal of beauty?
-- If so, is that ideal your own or someone else's?
-- If it's someone else's, have you adopted this ideal to please him/her/them, or because you haven't formulated your own ideal?
-- How sturdy and achievable will your goals really be if they aren't *your* goals?
Your body is a container for the stuff that is you. Value each part individually; and learn to help the person inside. As poets have said since the dawn of time, beauty is fleeting; and formulating your goals on beauty is like building the proverbial house on the sand.0 -
Honestly…? I think you might be overestimating how much he likes thin women.
First off, if he was really only attracted to thin women, he wouldn’t be with someone 140 lbs overweight in the first place.
Second, I’ve found that as a general rule, men really don’t care that much about a woman’s weight. They don’t care nearly as much as we girls do.
Case in point: I went from being 120 to 160 in the span of 3 months due to medication and my spouse did not even notice (really.). To be honest, he’s gained about 40 lbs since we’ve been married and I really didn’t notice either until he stepped on a scale. Then my concern was for his health, not his looks. I’ve gotten back down to 143 over the last month and a half and he really hasn’t noticed. Weight just isn’t something he gives a bleep about.
If he really finds thin thin thin girls so attractive, ask him why. Ask him what it is about them that attracts him. Is it really the thin ness or is it how they carry themselves, what they wear, how their faces/hair look? If he answers you honestly, my guess is it’s not the uber thin body that really does it for him. It’s probably more in the way they carry themselves with confidence. And you don’t have to be rail thin to do that.0 -
That’s a tough one.
My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. We’ve been talking marriage for the last year and a half. We plan to be officially engaged soon. He recently revealed to me that he’s worried about me gaining weight after we get married.
It crushed me. Seriously. I’ve had weight issues my whole life. At my high weight I was wearing a size 18-20. I was down 50 pounds and maintained for a few years before I met him, wearing a size 14. He was always complimentary of my looks and my body. His being so attracted to me helped me get over a lot of my insecurities about my body. Even if I wasn’t happy with how I looked, he was and I loved that.
Since we’ve been together I’ve gained a bit and lost it again. I’m actually down to a size 12 now. Until he said something, I had no idea the thought would have even concerned him. I know I don’t want to gain weight, but since it’s a struggle for me and always has been, I can’t make any promises. And the added pressure of him losing attraction makes it seem almost overwhelming to me.
So yeah, not sure I have any advice. Just to say I kinda know what you’re feeling.
Honey, if he is worried you will gain weight after you get married, RUN. RUN FAR AWAY FROM HIM. HE IS NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL.
Marriage is for life. It's not just for "in your 20's-40's when you still look great". It continues when you are grey haired, wrinkled, losing your shape, getting sick and dying.
Any man (or woman) who is concerned that your appearance might change (in any way, be it weight, hairstyle, natural aging) is not someone you want to settle down with. What will he/she do if you get sick and put on the pounds or lose your hair from chemo? What will he/she do if you get in an accident and lose a limb? Life happens. If the person you are spending your life with isn't ready to accept that then quite frankly, it's time to let them go.0
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