I hate myself.

DestinyMarrie

My name is Destiny Phan
I am 22, I have a little boy an amazing husband.
But im still not happy.
I am 251 pounds.
My weight has never been this bad.
I HATE it!!!
I HATE myself so bad!
I feel like one big FAT embarassment!
I Look in the mirror everyday and cant help but to think how much I HATE myself.
I HATE this person, who I have turned into.
I am SURROUNDED by skinny people and dont feel like I have a friend in the WORLD that can understand how I feel!
I feel so alone, and ashamed.
I feel so rejected by everyone including myself.
I walk into anywhere in public with my husband and feel like people are looking at us and thinking.. what is that amazing man doing with that TERRIBLE looking woman!
I have tried every diet under the sun, but nothing seems to work.
It might sound like a lame excuse but I DONT feel like I have the energy to exercise.
I LOVE my little boy with all my heart, but I feel like he loves everyone else more because they get down and play with him.
My back is always hurting and if I get down on the ground to play with him.. its a lot of work to just get back up.
I SERIOUSLY fee like I just dont have any energy at all.
Everything LITTLE thing seems like such a challenge.
And because I HATE myself, I guess Im just angry at myself and lash out at others sometimes.. and Im feel like im slowly driving everyone that does care away because I cant stand myself.. I feel like I dont even deserve to have people who care..
I am at the LOWEST point in my life and I just DONT know what to do.. :(:(

*Des

dljochum

Destiny I'm sure you can pull through it for your self and your little one. Have faith I bet more people believe in you than you give credit. It always seems dark in the tunnel but believe me there is a lite at the end.!! : ).

LittleSpy

You have tried every "diet," maybe. Now it's time to change your lifestyle. By eating a healthy amount of healthy foods and exercising you will lose weight and become healthier.

But first, you have to care about yourself enough to want to be healthy. If you think you need to talk to a couselor, you probably should. I have been in a similar funk and was able to sort things out for myself but it's different for everyone (I also had the advantage of being extensively educated in the field of psychology).

I hope you find your way. :flowerforyou:

EKarma

When you're down, you gotta keep looking up.. Do you want this? Do you want your life back? Take it! it's all yours! Welcome to MFP! You've taken the first step to loving yourself again and that was joining up here.

In the good words of Bob Marley "One love, One heart. Let's get together and feel alright".. Enjoy the journey and quit being so hard on yourself!!

love and light. xo

Phoenix_Rising

Destiny darling,

You are addressing a group of people who COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YOU. Many of us have been RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. At my highest, I was 240 lbs at 5'4'', which is close to your size. I'm currently at 150-ish lbs, two years into my journey. I could barely keep up after my little kiddo, and now I can run down the hill to chase her when sledding without becoming winded!!

Read the success stories here. There are no "diets", only learning how to eat healthy for your body for a life of happiness and health.

Turn that sadness and negative emotion into EMPOWERMENT. Decide TODAY that you are making the change that will help your outside match your inside -- a beautiful wonderful woman, mother, and wife.

Commit to your decision. Come to MFP many, many times a day.

Don't let setbacks stand in the way of your goal. You eat too much, then you workout extra. If you can't work out, then you resolve not to eat so much at the next meal, dust yourself off, and start up again RIGHT THAT MINUTE.

You will find that if you join groups on here (there is a 200+ lb support group on the boards), you will be encouraged and receive support from amazing people who really get you!

Good Luck sweetheart. Stick with this. You can make the change in your life that will help you find happiness within yourself. No one else can make you happy, only you can acheive your own happy life.

:flowerforyou:

snowflakes

This is a great place to share with others who can relate to how you feel. The weight can be overwhelming but it will start coming off with moving more and eating less. (boy was the food diary an eye opener for me as to the portion sizes) This is not rocket science it is simply calories in vs. calories out. You can do this, you will feel better about yourself! I am part of a group for those who are 200+ pounds, we are in his together and give daily encouragment. Join in and get support. A study has shown that the more a person posts the more successful they are in reaching their goal weight. Wishing you well in your journey.

CasperO

You are 22 years old - you have your whole life ahead of you. You are a beautiful girl who's carrying a little too much right now, but you can fix that. If you choose to do it, you can accomplish your goals and be a little hottie-mama before you know it. You'll feel so much better, more able to do the things you want to do.

You've come to the right place. This is a great tool that will work wonders. Just take a look at the before and after thread - and remember that the folks with huge successes are just like you, they just started a little earlier. You can do it too, and you will.

This is easy - here's all ya' gotta do:

Cook smart, lotsa good filling stuff. Some fruits, lotsa veggies, some grains-cereals, some starchy stuff, some lean meat. Almost nothing fried (and certainly nothing batter dipped & deep fried), and very very little pastry/cakey stuff.

Count your calories accurately with the food guide here, and stay as close to your calorie allowance as you reasonably can. If you cook properly you shouldn't be too uncomfortable on the calorie allowance MFP will give you.

Get some exercise - work that gym, walk a little every day, something - that's a huge help. Remember to log your exercise and eat at least some (I eat most) of your exercise calories. I know you say you have no energy, but exercise is a self-feeding phenomenon. If you push yourself to do just a little today (it's supposed to be hard,,, it's exercise ) then you'll feel better about it and it'll be easier to do it again tomorrow. Then in a week you'll be able to do more, and it'll start to get fun. In a year you might be running 10k's,,, it's up to you.

And drink your water!

That's it, piece o' cake. Wife and I have been doing it for about a year now and we've done well. Lost 104 pounds between us, and in much better shape.

You said - ""I am at the LOWEST point in my life and I just DONT know what to do.. :(:( "" Is that really true? I think you know what to do - we all know what to do. Eat better/smarter/less - and get more exercise. This website is an amazing tool to help you keep accurate track of what you're doing.

You can do this. Will you? :bigsmile:

missykaye1975

Destiny, it sounds like you've completely hit "rock bottom", and sometimes that's what it takes to make necessary changes in your life. I know it was for me--I'm bipolar, been on every medication under the sun, etc. We all have our weaknesses and challenges. It's time to face this one "head-on" and make a commitment to a new life-style of exercise and eating right, as well as a new attitude. You can do it! Consistency is the key to all of this. I know you lack energy right now--that is due to both the depression that you're in, as well as the physical state that you're in. With my bipolar disorder, when I am in my depression part of the cycle, I literally CANNOT move. Seeing a counseler is a good idea, and may be what you need to do to get started in a new direction. No matter what, do NOT give up on yourself! If not right now for you, then do it for your husband and child until you can learn to love yourself again.

Also, when it comes to "diets"--they simply don't work!! In the process, you lose precious lean muscle mass which IS your metabolism. Muscle is active and burns calories continually--even when you are asleep! Fat just sits there and does nothing. The reason for yo-yo dieting is because in the process of losing "weight" you lose fat, water, AND muscle. The less muscle you have, the less calories you can consume at your new weight. If you return to previous eating habits, or eat too many calories based on your new weight, then you end up gaining the weight you lost, and then some! I highly recommend some form of weight-training as part of your new life-style. Just a few words of encouragement, from someone who's finally learned a thing or two about how my body works! Take care of yourself. :flowerforyou:

DestinyMarrie

Thank you all so much for yours support. I cant tell you how much it means to find a place where people do understand. I am new here so I didnt know what to expect.

I guess I just need people who do understand.. I dont know ANYONE over weight in my daily life.. everyone in this whole town seems to be slim and trim..
I have my own demons and a LONG journey ahead of me to loose this weight.
I just get so discouraged sometimes..

It makes me so SAD to see my little boy wanting to play with me.. then me not feeling like I have the energy to run and play and chase after him.. I feel TERRIBLE about it!!!!

I know I have to do something.. I guess I just need to find a first step to get started... any recommendations and tips would be AMAZING!!!

*Des

DestinyMarrie

I have considered seeing a counselor.. truth is I just cant afford to. But i do feel like that would help me ALOT!.

I completely agree that I think I have hit ROCK BOTTOM.. I dont see anywhere else to go form here but UP...

Sometimes I am all for dieting and eating healthy... then the next day I just feel TOTALLY depressed.

I know NONE of this will happen over night, sometimes I just feel like loosing weight is totally impossible for me

*Des

michlingle

I think we've ALL been there. Thanks for being so candid. Our feelings aren't always pretty, they are dark and they run deeply into every aspect of our lives. It isn't easy and I really feel that you have to get to a dark point in order to make a change. This site is a good first step, setting goals, and using the message boards really helps. You have no idea how amazing exercise will change your life. It isn't always fun, but it's what you need. You've inspired me just now. I have been procrastinating all morning to not do it, it's freezing outside, my gym is closed, but I need a workout. Time to tie up those running shoes and put on the layers. Thanks, and you can do this. I try to tell myself this when I see people in the media with their success stories, you deserve the same. Make it a great new year, the choice is yours! Oh, and I hear ya about the counselor thing, it is way too expensive. I even tried to find a free one through my county health department that was allegedly free but the woman on the phone told me I had to pay 75 per session. It's frustrating when you know you need help but cannot financially make it happen.

CasperO

Again:::
"This is easy - here's all ya' gotta do:
Cook smart,
Count your calories accurately
Get some exercise
And drink your water! """

That's all, it works. Stick with this an you'll lose a pound or 2 per week (with occasional "plateaus" that'll drive ya' nuts). 2 pounds a week is 104 pounds in a year. That's it,,, that's all you have to do. You can do it.

kellygirl5538

Stick with this site.........you are young..............you can do this.................sucess is not fast but over a long period of time!!!! Its' never too late!

Phoenix_Rising

I have considered seeing a counselor.. truth is I just cant afford to. But i do feel like that would help me ALOT!.

Then find your most sane friend and use them as a sounding board.
Use us here. We are unbiased and probably just as "crazy" as you

I completely agree that I think I have hit ROCK BOTTOM.. I dont see anywhere else to go form here but UP...

There you go!! Only can get better from here out!!! Take one day at a time!

Sometimes I am all for dieting and eating healthy... then the next day I just feel TOTALLY depressed.

I don't eat "healthy" foods all the time. I portion control / calorie count. I can still have Papa John Pizza when I want it, but only 2 pieces or less. I just ate a snickers candy (mini). Gave me the chocolate I wanted, less calories than a full bar, I'll have to eat a little less at dinner to make up for it. Okay! Can do! It's about balancing what goes in versus what you are expending out.

I know NONE of this will happen over night, sometimes I just feel like loosing weight is totally impossible for me

Set mini goals. "I wanna lose 5-7 lbs this month" and work on that. Take baby steps. It took me almost 2 years to lose 50 lbs but it has STAYED OFF and I'm so much happier in that I eat better now (less food) and can maintain my weight more easily. I still have weight to lose, but this is a journey with no deadline. Take your time. Every day is a new day to accomplish your goal!!!

KendalBeee

I started at 260 about 3 months ago. I'm down to about 242 right now. Its a long journey and I have bad days, but you have to make the effort to get back on track. Even if you stop tracking for a week or a month, mfp will always welcome you back with open arms and lots of support.


Find a support group on the message boards here! My group of people have become some great friends :-D

Phoenix_Rising

BTW, you should check out Tamtastic's success story. She lost 134lbs (in a year, I think) through changing her foods and exercising. VERY ENCOURAGING!!

CasperO

Well said PR, thanks.

Like my new sig line?

TXBlockhead

I think that it's great that you are being so honest w yourself. It's kind of like here it is......Most of us can relate to how you feel but sometimes we don't say it out loud. I just can't believe that I have let myself get to where I am. I am 5'3" and I weight 230 lbs. There I said it. I am right there w you. I can't believe "that size" that I wear right now. I only have 2 pairs of jeans and a few pairs of pants for work. I refuse to buy clothes in the size that I wear now. I have a whole closet full of clothes that I can't wear. But....here's the good thing. We are here now and that's the first step. AND the only person that is stopping us from reaching our goals is ourselves. No one else!

DestinyMarrie

Well, I guess the truth Is I dot know exactly what to cook... Eating chicken every day gets boring.. im not a fan of fish or seafood at all, and steak is to fatty.. so I guess I just dont know alot of other healthy meal foods other then chicken..

I bought ALLI the other day and have been on it for 2 days now...

I havent had ANY nasty side effects. But I have been eating an all drive thru diet. Mainly because I dont necessarily have a kitchen available during the day. Due to wanting to save money while we are in college my husband and me, and your little boy are staying with his family.. they have a HUGE 7 bed 3 bath house so there is plenty of room.

But only ONE kitchen and it seems like someone is ALWAYS using it.. so drive thru is really all I have unless I just put my foot down and say its MY kitchen time lol.

My diet example from yeasterday

Breakfast:
Taco bell
Taco - 190 calories 8 grams of fat
cinnamin twists - 160 calories 5 grams of fat
coffee w/ cream and equal - 60 calories 6 grams of fat

Snack 1
Mc Donalds
Fruit & Yogurt Parfait
160 calories 2 grams of fat

Pretzels
110 calories 1 gram of fat

Lunch:
Wendys
Chilli - Large
280 calories 9 grams of fat

100 calorie pack of cookies
100 calories 3.5 grams of fat

Dinner

Taco Bell

taco
190 calories 8 grams of fat

Cinnamin twists
160 calories 5 grams of fat

fruit and yogurt parfait
160 calories 2 grams of fat

had some pretzels after that
110 calories 1 gram of fat

Total: 1,570calories 49.5 grams of fat

PureAndHealthy

There's a saying - if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting. You don't like where you are. So do something you like. Do what makes you happy. Eating bad food and too much of it is making you miserable. Make your food diary public and log everything. Send some friend requests and we'll watch out for ya and help keep you encouraged.

When I was 235 pounds I didn't think I ever COULD be a thin girl. No matter what I did. But a little exercise and tracking my food consistently got me into size 8s and weighing in the 140's. (I'm 5'9") It blew my mind. Then I thought I was done with the whole weight loss thing and gained 30 pounds back before my wake up call. So I track here and make healthy choices the majority of the time and do some fun stuff (got a bike for Christmas! :bigsmile:) and I'm happy. I like how I'm living. As soon as you start logging here, taking control of the situation, and see some progress, I bet you'll feel the same way. For any issues that run deeper than that, counseling should become a priority immediately (been there too...:blushing: ). Your insurance may pay for it. Check out your plan. Or sometimes there's counselors that will discount their services based on need or financial hardship.

I think it's time you get to feel better and smile a lot more. Let this be the worst day and your lowest point and things get better and better from this day on. :flowerforyou:

cc_campbell81

Well, I guess the truth Is I dot know exactly what to cook... Eating chicken every day gets boring.. im not a fan of fish or seafood at all, and steak is to fatty.. so I guess I just dont know alot of other healthy meal foods other then chicken..

But only ONE kitchen and it seems like someone is ALWAYS using it.. so drive thru is really all I have unless I just put my foot down and say its MY kitchen time lol.

Reading your post was like reading my own diary. When I started I felt the same way about healthy food being boring. I thought chicken was the only healthy dinner. There are a lot of other options out there which you will find as you go through this journey. Try doing an internet search for healthy dinners. A couple sites I recommend are:

www.recipezaar.com
www.allrecipes.com
www.cookinglight.com

Also try finding lowfat and low calories of foods you like. That can easily cut your calories in half. An example would be bread. Sarah Lee Light Bread is only 45 cals a slice.

As for sharing the kitchen and not having time to do meals I suggest making stuff the night before and buy healthy options that you can grab on the go like granola bars and apples. I make my breakfast and lunch for the next day after my daughter goes to bed and before I go to sleep. It's good because it's nice and quiet and I don't have to rush or make quick decisions.

I see your meals and while you weren't too bad on calories the quality of the food wasn't the greatest. You mentioned earlier not having energy. The foods you put into your body fuel your energy. Foods high in fat and sugar typically make me feel like crap if I eat too much. Don't get me wrong I enjoy fast food every once in a while but most of the time I try to pick better foods. Lots of vegetables and fruits could make a difference for you. Like people said earlier it's really important to log your food, even if you go over. It's important to know each day what you consumed. Sometimes I will go over in calories and I try to correct that by going for a walk after dinner or doing some other exercise.

When I started I felt so torn because I have a great husband and beautiful daughter but I hated my image. Which brings me to a good point. I am not a counselor but changing the way you think of yourself in the situation could help. What I mean is you kept saying you hate yourself but everything you listed that you hate was physical. Try being more specific about what you're feeling. Like " I really hate the way I look and the fact that my weight slows me down" instead of just I hate myself. When we say that to ourselves over and over again it can become true when really we only dislike a portion of ourselves.

Most importantly don't give up. There will be days when you stumble. I've had weeks when I gained weight, many of us have. But overall I keep working and losing weight. Maybe you'll eat like it's your last meal on earth and totally blow your calories for the day (Believe me I've eaten my daily calories in one meal before) or maybe you'll go a week without exercising. But the important thing is to keep moving forward and know that every little bit matters. If you don't have time and energy to exercise, start with a five minute walk. Take your son on a walk to check the mail and around the block. Then next week go two blocks. As you exercise more you will find more energy, I promise! You have to take care of you in order to be able to take care of your husband and son.

Sorry, I know that was a lot but I hope it helps.