How much SHOULD a couple have in common

oregonzoo

Previous thread made me think of this?
A lot of people say "opposites attract" and I think it's healthy to have some interests outside eachother(not other private parts lol).

randomtai

Enough to be able to have something to talk about.

corn63

I'd like to think my bf and I are complementary of each other. I'm overzealous, he's FAR too laid back. I'm impatient, he's a bump on a log. I eat, he cooks. I clean, he makes messes... we're not opposites, we have a lot in common, but there's just enough difference to keep us guessing.

Erienneb

My boyfriend and I have a lot in common; like I have Star Wars tattoos on my wrist and he recognized them so that's how he asked me out. We both read a lot and are way into sci-fi and fantasy and games. However we also have our own social lives separate from each other. He's a history major, he likes to play pool and go out with his friend and is incredibly social and outgoing where I am quiet and reserved and I would not want to go out like that. It works because when we're together we have plenty in common, but there's also room for debate (like that I'm right wing and he's left), and we can have our own social lives which gives us needed space. It functions very well.

rml_16

Previous thread made me think of this?
A lot of people say "opposites attract" and I think it's healthy to have some interests outside eachother(not other private parts lol).

I don't think you can really put an objective value to that question. It's important to have a certain amount of compatibility, but it's also OK to have separate interests. I think if a relationship works for two people, no matter what, they have the right amount in common. Even if that's nothing. Though I can't imagine that happening.

laserturkey

I think the most important things to have in common are activity level, sense of humor, basic spiritual views, political leanings. . . .

Couples don't have to be joined at the hip all the time. There should be some things they enjoy together, but it's perfectly fine if they each have their own interests, too.

BAMFMeredith

I think that as long as your religious ideology, political affiliations, and views on marriage and children (whether or not to have them, and whether marriage is important to you or not) are on the same page, other differences keep things interesting.

It's great that my bf and I like the same sports teams, have a similar sense of humor, and like a lot of the same music, but it's also cool when he introduces me to something new that I've never been into before, or when I take him to go see a band he's never heard of or to a restaurant he's never tried. Plus it's nice to have things that are just my/his hobbies, things we do with our own friends, etc. Keeps things from getting boring!

pooleekylie

My boyfriend and I have nothing in common. It's a strain when two people live together and have absolutely nothing to talk about or any hobbies that they can do together. I don't fall for the opposites attract thing. Maybe in some senses, but not with everything.

Desterknee

I think the "opposites attract" saying is true but I think it should apply to personality types, not interests. Or at least for my relationship, that's why it works well.

Our personalities and ways of dealing with the world are completely different, but this is good. We supplement each other. My strengths are his weaknesses and vice versa. He's really great at dealing with situations that would break me down. Sure, the difference in personalities may lead to situations in which we can't agree on the way to proceed but we work it out.

We enjoy a lot of the same things and I think that's great. We spend hours talking, we play video games together, we like enough of the same kind of music to enjoy concerts together, we like the same types of movies, etc. And the differences in our personalities still make for interesting conversations about the things we both love because we love them for different reasons.

Then there are the interest and hobbies we don't have in common and that's great too. It allows us to maintain parts of our lives that are still just for ourselves. It allows us to push the other into new experiences which is great.

I'm not sure if that answers the original question. I guess the answer is that if two people are too similar, for me personally, that would be boring. I don't see how someone could grow with a person who is just like them.

still_crafty

It depends on what your definition of "opposites" is. Is it appearance, lifestyle, personality, likes/dislikes, morals/beliefs etc.

I think you have to have some of those things in common but not all. I have someone in my life that leads a different lifestyle and appears (on the surface) very different from how I do. We have a lot of likes/dislikes in common and our personalities connect on a level that is almost scary. We share some of the same beliefs but not all.

Does your partner make you happy should be the real question. No matter how different or alike we may be, he makes me very happy. That's what matters.

Dub_D

Views on marriage & kids.

Dub_D

Oh and a similar sense of humor.

corn63

Views on marriage & kids.

Well and if you're religious. You should share those values too.

carriempls

My bf and I have a fair amount of common interests but we also have our own. It’s been fun to try new things for both of us also. He’s big on nature and hiking and I didn’t really have friends to do that kinda thing with before we met and now I positively love it.

I think he’d like it if I were into more of the same things he is. There are certain topics when he starts talking about them and my eyes glaze over. I’m just not the right outlet for those conversations. When that happens I just advise him to spend more time with friends who are into that kinda thing. And then he makes an effort to do so.

I don't think it's healthy to think you'll get every social need met from only one other person. It's important to maintain relationships with friends and family as well.

k8blujay2

I think that as long as your religious ideology, political affiliations, and views on marriage and children (whether or not to have them, and whether marriage is important to you or not) are on the same page, other differences keep things interesting.

It's great that my bf and I like the same sports teams, have a similar sense of humor, and like a lot of the same music, but it's also cool when he introduces me to something new that I've never been into before, or when I take him to go see a band he's never heard of or to a restaurant he's never tried. Plus it's nice to have things that are just my/his hobbies, things we do with our own friends, etc. Keeps things from getting boring!

I agree. While my husband and I have the same religious ideology, similar political affiliations, and views on how we want our family to be... and both of us are laid back when the other is not... we know we can work together as a team... But he is great with money, me not so much (I'm not bad, just not as good as he is). He could live in a pig sty, I get anxious and envision me on hoarders if I don't keep things picked up... I like sports and he doesn't (well with an exception of the occasional baseball game)... he likes cars, I couldn't care less... I like to travel and do things, he could stay at home in his garage if I let him...

But we both try to do things that the other likes... because we want to be present in the relationship. But we also know when to give each other some space too.

randomtai

Oh and a similar sense of humor.

This^^^ Jokes that are only funny to one party are not jokes :P

sleepytexan

there is no recipe.

oregonzoo

Oh and a similar sense of humor.

I agree with both of yours. You have those things in common and a lot of stuff is honestly........ good.

Im_NotPerfect

Personality-wise (extrovert/introvert, partier/homebody, etc) there can definately be some differences. Differences tend to bring out hidden traits in the other person.

However, when it comes to actual life-defining decisions (marriage, kids, finances, religion, etc) there definately has to be a common ground.

My husband was the complete opposite of what I was looking for in a guy...both in looks and personality. He was a drinker and a smoker, arrogant as all could be, etc. But for some reason I was attracted. I'm totally opposite from other girls he's dated. I'm laid back, clean cut (goody goody), etc. But for some reason HE was attracted. So it worked. We've both changed to "fit" each other in our 12 years together.

But when it came to us talking about marriage we were completely on the same page. Kids were another matter, but I brought him around to my way of thinking!

DrMAvDPhD

I'm surprised how many people think you have to have the same political and religious leanings as your partner. I am borderline atheist, my husband is non-practicing Christian. I am extremely liberal, he is moderately conservative. As long as you respect each other you don't have to share a mind.

Now what we do have in common are interests that allow us to do things together. We both ride motorcycles. We both love to watch and attend sporting events. We play video games together. We both pursing weight lifting goals. We watch some tv shows together.

We also have our separate pursuits as well. I enjoy reading, crafting, and dancing, while he does things like golf, team sports, and mechanical modifications of our cars and bikes. We almost never want to see the same movies, so we alternate choice there. He is an extrovert and I am an introvert, so he gets me to socialize more than I would on my own, and I curb his partying and spending habits. It works for us.

mrs_deg1983

I have been married for ten years. We had nothing in common from the start. We don't read the same books our listen to the same music. Although throughout the year we have come to have things in common. For example like our two young daughters. We have laughs at the end of the day, just thinking of out oldest personally.

We may have very little in common but I think that is why we get along for the most part. also seems like we learn somthing new about each other more often.

pucenavel

one thing: the amount of "two person yoga" they want to participate in (together that is)

dmpizza

We have similar lifestyle likes and dislikes.
If we had never met and were separately given zillions of dollars(not that we have any!), I think we would still have ended up as neighbors at least.
We don't like the same books and often not even the same movies, but we both like the same plays and musicals.

AlotOfSweatAndPain

I feel like my SO is my twin...we're too much alike.

DaniJeanine

They SHOULD share core values. Other than that, as long as they have fun, it's all good!

bushidowoman

My hubby and I are opposites. He's an introvert; I'm an extrovert. He's a morning person; I'm a night person. He's very much into routine; I'm spontaneous. We like different movies, different music, have different hobbies. Our backgrounds and upbringing were different. We have different parenting styles. We speak different "love languages." He's the romantic; I'm more practical.

But on the biggies--faith, values, life priorities, even political views--we are on the same page. So to me, all the other differences are small stuff. They make our relationship exciting. The flame is still alive.

We dated for 2 1/2 years before getting married, and we'll celebrate our 13th anniversary this December.

magj0y

I'd like to think my bf and I are complementary of each other. I'm overzealous, he's FAR too laid back. I'm impatient, he's a bump on a log. I eat, he cooks. I clean, he makes messes... we're not opposites, we have a lot in common, but there's just enough difference to keep us guessing.

Yup.
My husband is ridiculously smart... but can't cook, where as I can rock the kitchen.
I love astronomy, he didn't know what a blue moon was.

He ran a BBS in college back in '91. IM? he wrote a lot of the code that is still used for it.
He physically installed the majority of the POPs for mindspring (now earthlink) through out the states. He's worked with ISPs before most of you had the internet. I have pretty much no interest in computers...and am just a basic computer user.

we have maybe 3 things in common that we discuss but we're also happy being independent with our separate hobbies.

I'm very spontanious, where as he has to have everything planned out or he stresses in a bad way. oops.
He's less reserved, and I'm a bit closer to earth. My computer runs smoothly (and fast) and he gets fed.

jeffwagstaff

They should speak the same "language" in areas each considers most important. ie.. If political viewpoint is a basis for ones being, the partner that does'nt share a similar view will be a constant irritation. Conversely, if that is a shared value, it becomes another "bond" between the two..

Think about what truely matters to you, what is negotiable, and use that as your guide to compatibility.

Chemistry usually has an over-riding veto on most things logical, but as we all know.. chemistry won't cover up all ills.!

carriempls

I'm surprised how many people think you have to have the same political and religious leanings as your partner. I am borderline atheist, my husband is non-practicing Christian. I am extremely liberal, he is moderately conservative. As long as you respect each other you don't have to share a mind.

It seems you and your husband are fialry close, though, on the religious spectrum; though your beliefs differ, neither practices a religion.

With deeply held beliefs that are polar opposite it can make things very difficult, especially when it comes to how to raise children. If your moral and ethical beliefs don't align (which often influence or come from political and religious affiliation) you can have big problems.

For example, I can't see ever dating/marrying a conservative, devout catholic as I'm a (very) liberal atheist. I have huge moral and ethical issues with the catholic church as an institution and I'd never allow children of mine to be indoctrinated into all that. And they'd likely find me a heathen. lol.

Drop_it_Like_Its_Hawt

I don't think it's a matter of how much you have in common, but WHICH topics you agree on. For instance, my husband and I don't agree on music or movies or decorating in many cases, BUT when it comes to things like how to raise our kids, views on God/religion, friendships, family relationships, etc. - we really click on those topics and understand each other.

And for the major stuff we don't always agree on, we're both respectful of each others differences (although we pretty much razz the hell out of each other for the minor stuff). We also compromise with each other without compromising who we are. For instance, he won't try to hang an entrail-filled H.R. Giger print in the living room, and I don't attempt to redecorate the entire bedroom in leopard-print and disco balls. Stuff like that.

mcpjan

I am happily married now for 35+ years. We have very little in common. We don't even like the same types of food. I am a computer geek and he can barely turn the computer on. That being said we do have things we love to do together. We both like riding motorcycles and traveling. Over the years we found we are growing closer together. Relationships take work as long as you are willing to agree to work on it then you can always find some common ground.