Why is surgery considered so wrong???

PaBirdie1

I didnt finish reading all the replies yet, but I also have a gastric band . I lost 80 pounds (the old fashioned way) before I got it. I have a seriously bad back and was warned that if I dont get the weight off and keep it off, my spine will eventually collapse. I have already lost 1 1/2 inches in height and I am only 48.

Most people do not get weight loss surgery for vanity reasons. There is a lot of thought and research that goes into it before we even decided this is something we need to do. Then there are all the insurance requirements like the 6 month supervised diet, a multitude of medical tests and even the psychological exam.

Having weight loss surgery will never be successful unless you take the time to change your lifestyle while you prepare for the surgery. Learning to have a new relationship with food, making time for exercise and feeling good about yourself are extremely important steps in making this work. Once you have gone through the process, you are better prepared to handle your new life post surgery.

I obviously dont consider surgery wrong, but it isnt for everyone. There can be long term complications if you dont follow the rules. Living with a gastric band, gastric bypass or the sleeve is by no means easy. Anyone who suggests it is the easy way out is ill informed and needs to do some research before they judge the person who had it done.

LordBear

i have always been overweight to some degree and no matter what i did or how hard i worked out.. i couldnt lose a pound.. then i injured my back and spent the last 10 or so years in misery. at some point i cant remember when.. started hearing the stories of the miracle weight loss surgeries.. and everybody seemed to know some one getting it and how well it worked... thought bout it but never really considered it. and then i started hearing a lot of surgeries that didnt go well and others that had multiple surgeries and others that ended up in the same position they were in to start with...

some time in the last 3-4 years i started looking in to it because it was an option and i didnt see any way out. with out something drastic. so i started researching it and going to this one website and forum that had tons of info. and a chat room to talk to others bout it and such... after study and seeing the outcomes and knowing what was at stake. this is no simple operation. i started to turn from it.

for surgery..from a reputable place... therapy was needed, food counciling, special diet, then depending on how much you weighed.. it varied but the docs all wanted you to lose weight... and people would do this... then u go in and the tare up your innards then put u back together with major chance of infection and being laid out for a while.. and then u dont get to eat anything because of ur healing... warmed broth ...to jellos etc..over a certain amout of time.. and then if u make it thru that part now is the issues ..depending on the exact surgery you had... of not being able to absorb all the nurtients you need.. so u were forced to eat or drink special supplements for the rest of your life... although many dont.. and then u get sick or have some sort of dry heaves if u intake the wrong thing. etc... all this just forces you in to a certain diet and lifestyle..how ever it does not change what got you that way in the first place.

not saying all this to scare any one away from it..but this is all true. i have personally know a couple of people that have had the surgery.. couple of worked for them and one lady went back a couple of times..and she ripped her staples out each time.

some one in a previous post said that this only fixed the body and not the mind..while i kinda of agree with what they were saying..but this does not fix the body. it is trading one evil for another.... dont get me wrong this has helped people.. just saying if you have to diet and lose weight in the first place..you have just proven u dont need the surgery.. therapy and counceling etc..yah you need that obviouly..surgery or not. by watching what you eat..guess what ..the stomach shrinks..no surgery needed. get off lazy bum and exercise... no bull no excuses.. just do it. no it is not easy and you have to force yourself but it does get easyer.

this is not a fix..only a bandaid that hides the wound and infection.. unless you come up with the will of your own at some point surgery will not work.. now i understand there are some things that wld make surgery the best option.. but if u can still move and do things on your own ..then freaking do so.. every doctor i have had has brought this up.. and it pisses me off. its just an easy cop out and the lazy way to go..if you can do otherwise..

if you have had the surgery and u have killed the weight and kept it off for several years.... great job..at some point you found the will.. but are now stuck with a small crutch.

any who... it is your life and your body.. but dont forget that friends and family share your life. do what you feel is right and do what you need to do... just make sure you research and study this topic before jumping in to it if you are considering this. if after you do that and you do see that you can do with out it.. then make your choice. and make the best you can out of it.

joann1948

I worked for Bariatric surgeons for many years. I am a Billing and Coding Specialists, and dealth with the insurane part of it. But had interaction with patients as well. Many of the patients, ended up gaining weight back, and it did not stay off, and my daughter in law, had it. She was 500 lbs and is not under 200. She lived with me for a while, and I got used to all the foods that she could not eat, and if she did got severely sick. Alot of people feel it is a fast fix, to a weight problem, and patients dont change the psycholigical part of it. Hope u do well................Joann

beansprouts

As someone said earlier...There is a lot of general weight loss prejudice and bad advice given daily on this board. (So the prejudice is not just against weight loss surgery)!

As long as it is your body...The final decision about how you choose to lose the weight is yours to make. If you are happy with your decision to have surgery...then why should you even care what other people think about what you are doing?

brenda4life

I believe in the individual right to make decisions about their body and personal health. I do not believe surgery is the end all, be all some think it will be. My mother had her stomach stapled and gained back most of the weight she originally lost. I think there needs to be more post-op meetings to discuss how the weight is being lost and what nutritional value is being considered with each bite. I know my mom still can not eat much but she nibbles all day, and seldom makes good choices.

And then my husband's best friend died from a blood clot days after being sent home from surgery. That was such a waste of a wonderful life.

It is your choice, I would never condemn any for taking that route, I just have not witnessed any great successes.

ncthomas09

Here's the deal. Weight loss no matter how you do it is a life style change. Surgery is a tool. And you know what you have to prove to surgeons that you can make this change and go through months of logging food and psych evals and everything else before they put you on the table to operate. So by making the effort before hand you are used to it post op. You can have the surgery and then decide not to make the life style change and you will gain it all back and then some just like every other diet that "fails" for people.

The diets don't fail, the people fail at making the lifestyle change. I could say that the atkins diet failed for me but truth of the matter is that I didn't want to give up breads, pastas, etc. but with MFP I can still have those things in moderation/occassion. So it's really that people just need to find a method that works for them and make the lifestyle change to make that method be successful.

ncthomas09

There definitely is a level of righteousness felt and shared on these boards from individuals who have lost weight the "traditional way" versus weight loss surgery. I think there are a number of reasons for that, but, at the end of the day, I think it comes down to a philosophical difference.

I think some of this comes from the fact that most people don't always know all of the things you have to go through before getting surgery. You have to prove you can lose and change before surgery. And then after (at least with some facilities) you are still required to go back for progress reports basically.

And some surgeries can be adjusted such as lap band.

BamsieEkhaya

Personally I believe its your body your choice. I do think of weight loss surgery as drastic and yeah life changing, like any other surgery it comes with its pros and cons and its something that needs serious consideration (I'm very aware with all surgeries - took 2years of pain before I had all four wisdom teeth pulled out!!)

Generally for me surgery would be the final decision, if dieting etc didn't work and I was extremely big then it may possibly be an option i'd be willing to look into , currently I know changing my lifestyle and day to day decisions I make now and for the long run can get me the results I want without long term repercussions and side-effects. (I'm also VERRY peculiar when it comes to side effects!)

LADYDEBORAH1984

well done for losing the weight! my best friend has a gastric band and so I know how hard it is trying to get the nutrition in and having less food choices. She is sick alot (vomits) and does get down so I know surgery isn't the easy route, so really well done you, we should all be able to do what we need to do. xxx

Molly_Maguire

I think what most people mean by "surgery is wrong" is that it should not be the first route to go. If you have 50 lbs to lose, and are too lazy to exercise and just don't want to give up your potato chips, then yes, surgery would be wrong. If you have a lot of weight to lose, eat healthy, exercise regularly, (and it sounds like you do, OP) and you STILL have trouble keeping the weight off, then surgery might be a good option.

I don't think there's anything wrong with surgery, as long as you've tried everything else first, and your Dr. recommends it.

mfpcopine

There definitely is a level of righteousness felt and shared on these boards from individuals who have lost weight the "traditional way" versus weight loss surgery. I think there are a number of reasons for that, but, at the end of the day, I think it comes down to a philosophical difference.

I think some of this comes from the fact that most people don't always know all of the things you have to go through before getting surgery. You have to prove you can lose and change before surgery.

Not sure that helps. Some people will think, "Well, if they have to prove they can lose and change, why not lose and change without the surgery?"

Otterluv

I totally understand where you are coming from. For over 15 years I tried Weight Watchers off and on, exercised like a fiend, and had only minor, and very slow success. When you have so much to lose and yet you end up losing and gaining the same 2 pounds for months on end, all while working so hard at it, it can be incredibly frustrating. I remember leaving the meetings in tears, and then spending hours poring over my journals trying to find what I was doing wrong. Over and over again, believing that if I just ate less and moved more that I would be able to lose weight. I went to several doctors (who would run a basic thyroid test) who refused to believe that I was accurately journaling. I doubted it myself. Recently, I was referred to a wonderful endocrynologist/neurosurgeon by my current doctor. After a zillion blood draws and tests, she found what was causing my issue. Now I am able to build muscle, endurance, and lose weight.

Somebody who hasn't gone through that frustration may very well believe that their overly simplistic answer is everyone's answer (eat less, move more). However, there are those of us with barriers to being able to lose weight (be it mental or physical) who have to go another route. You don't have to justify it to anyone, I am so happy for you that you found what works.

For many people, weight loss is a life or death issue - shame and judgement have no place in the discussion. You have to do what you feel will have the best chance of working, and do your best to stay alive.

babymine55

I'm sorry you have felt such negativity...sadly, you are not alone. I'm not secretive about my surgery, however, I don't advertise it either. Opinions are just that, opinions...and unfortunately, when it comes to social media, people give themselves permission to say the most negative and rude things. -most is out of ignorance.

Surgery isn't the answer for everyone at any given time...but, it can an amazing tool to save a life! It saved mine. I had the gastric sleeve done in October of 2009. It was one of the best things I ever did. I started at 370 pounds, I couldn't get outside and PLAY with my kids, I couldn't buckle my seatbelt in my car without puting the shoulder strap behind me, I had become an outcast to society. This was the legacy I was giving my kids? This was the kind of wife I was being to my best friend and husband?

For me, it was not going to end like that. My husband and I did some counseling just to cover all our bases (given the high divorce rate amongst bariatric patients with significant weight loss and their SO's). I dealt with my food addiction issues. And I've been on a journey for success ever since. Next month will mark my 3rd anniversery from my surgery..I am down to 206 (had baby number 4 in 12/2010) and have 60ish pounds to go. I know this-I WILL NEVER BE THAT WEIGHT AGAIN!!

Being slightly to moderately overweight is such a different animal to being morbidly obese to super morbidly obese. Being overwieght is difficult enough...being morbidly obese/super morbidly obese-to the outside world, you become inhuman. The comments, the looks, the way people give themselves permission to treat you. No one deserves that.

I wish you the very best of luck on your journey, no matter which path that is.

TinGirl314

I don't feel that weight loss surgery is a cop out or easy way out- and I don't even see anything WRONG with it.
However, I've know 12 people who've gotten weight loss surgery...
My mother got it, and unfortunately that's what's made me cringe away from it.
Did she loose her weight? Yes. She also has absorption issues with vitamins, she still eats her old foods, just less of them. Now they are saying she might have a hernia where they blocked her stomach off, and might have to reverse the surgery almost ten years later. She also needed a tummy tuck because the weight fell off of her...Could she have needed one even if she did it the old fashioned way? I don't really know.
My uncle...lost 250 pounds, piled it back on. My best friend, lost 210 pounds and gained 95 of it back two years after her surgery, never even made it to her goal.
Personally I think the failure rate is high due to the fact that suddenly people CAN'T eat certain foods and certain amounts. So they feel like that will be enough.
Me? I can eat whatever I want, but I'm learning not to. That is invaluable to me, because I am NOT coming back to this. I also have PCOS, Diabetes, Highblood pressure...failing pancreas, and I'm getting the weight to come off. Now I can do pretty much anything work out wise (walking, weight lifting, ect I'm fortunate enough to not have those limitation) but it is coming off.
I appreciate every pound that comes off on the scale. I appreciate every calorie burned in my workout because it's the only option I have.

Now if someone is going to get the weight loss surgery AND get the mind frame that you get from diet and workouts, great! I am personally the kind of person that would use the surgery as a crutch and not a tool.

I honestly hope everyone finds their way with the help of this site.
Their way. Not mine.

kmbrooks15

I don't consider it wrong, but it's definitely not a decision to be made lightly. There's a lot of risk to the surgery, so it should only be used when all else has failed. There are also long-term effects on the body that can be just as dangerous as the surgery itself. I personally would rather save my money for a new wardrobe and then bust my butt to lose the weight without surgery, but that's me. I know some people have trouble losing weight any other way, so I would certainly not fault them for choosing that route. But some want to immediately jump on the WLS bandwagon without trying other things first (these are the same ones who think they can eat anything they want after surgery!). I think that's where most of us feel it's not appropriate to take that route.

I did know a lady who had WLS, and she had some complications several years down the road. She had to have the surgery reversed, and because her metabolism was all screwed up, she can never lose weight again no matter what she does. There have also been people who die from blood clots and other complications from surgery. It should be used as a last resort because of the high level of risk involved.

postrockandcats

There are people who think that surgery is the easy way to be thin, but the reality is that it's a big decision that is just as difficult, if not more so, as non-surgical weightloss. No matter how you get to your goals, there will always be people who judge and say that you aren't doing it right and theirs is the only way. But, as you figured out, there is more than one road to Rome and you're on the right track and feel good!

Congrats on all you've accomplished!

Bennett056

I had surgery too. I tried hard, lost 70 lbs but it was never the tool that I needed. I could still eat about anything I wanted. I gained a little of it back but now am determined to eat healthy. What surgery did do for me is curb my blood sugar, haven't had to take any bs meds for 5 years. Also took care of my hypertension-no more high blood pressure. It hasn't been easy but, losing weight never is.

missprincessgina

I don't think surgery is wrong at all. People have to decide what is best for them. Congrats on having your surgery and doing so well. Weight loss surgery as well as cosmetic surgery is helping thousands of people look and feel so much better. I'm happy to hear about your results!!! Keep up the great work!

P.S. People talk negatively about cosmetic surgery as well which is why I'm always open about my surgery. I even posted on FB that I was having elective cosmetic surgery when most women try to keep it hush hush (whether its implants, tummy tuck, liposuction, nose job, etc. etc.) Like I said before, surgery is a personal choice that so many people benefit from.

annwyatt69

I don't believe surgery is wrong. I believe it is the right answer for some people. I am one of them. I don't believe that people who are only slightly overweight need surgery. In my case, it is surgery or no life. I choose life. My surgery is this coming Thursday and I have waited more than a year for it and went through three denials before my insurance would cover it. I feel very blessed to have this tool at my disposal. Congrats on your success with the sleeve!

gerbies

There definitely is a level of righteousness felt and shared on these boards from individuals who have lost weight the "traditional way" versus weight loss surgery. I think there are a number of reasons for that, but, at the end of the day, I think it comes down to a philosophical difference.

I think some of this comes from the fact that most people don't always know all of the things you have to go through before getting surgery. You have to prove you can lose and change before surgery.

Not sure that helps. Some people will think, "Well, if they have to prove they can lose and change, why not lose and change without the surgery?"

^^^^^
This...if it were me, if I have to lose a chunk of weight before being able to have surgery, why wouldn't I just continue with that discipline and skip going under the knife? I have met two people who actually did that; they found that they could lose weight without permanently changing their bodies through surgery and skipped surgery. They both lost over 100 lbs and are within 20 lbs of their individual goal weights.

There are those who get the WLS and truly tackle the reasons why they eat. The reality is when someone is "obese" or morbidly obese, there are psychological reasons for abusing food. If one does not tackle their issues, a person can "eat through" any WLS, thus the relatively unfavorable success rate (defining "success" as hitting goal).

In my opinion, too many people use WLS as a way to "fix the problem" without truly fixing their problem. I've known people who purposefully gained weight to be eligible. Sad.

To the original poster, it sounds like you've been successful and good for you! Keep it going and taking a healthy track (which we all aspire to do on MFP).

allie316

Its sad that we still have to justify our actions to better ourselves on a forum based on bettering ourselves :noway:

It's a forum, not a sounding board. There are legitimate reasons why someone should think very carefully about having surgery, and the OP raised the subject.

You can't very well ask for someone's opinion and then complain upon receiving one.

Im not suggesting that others dont have the right to have an opinion, and i do believe every opinion has its place. I am just saying that making someone feel horrible for their choices isnt really beneficial to anyone. My view of the OP was that she felt hurt by the fact that she was judged for her decisions, not the reasons behind it. Opinions are always valid, but they dont have to be hurtful, that was the point i was trying to make.

vabchloser

Surgery is not wrong. People can be very judgmental. I believe if you are willing to do the work with the surgery, it is not a shortcut. It's a tool to help you.

Congrats on your hard work, sacrifice and success!!

StephDuffney

I looked in to it a few years ago and the possible side effect are not worth it no me. I am in the gym 4-5 days a week from 30-45 min will be going up to 60 min by the end of this week. I do not leave the gym and my work out unless I am done. I don't care if I am crying in pain or anything ells it has to be done.

cramernh

I can 'see' both sides and their argument.. unfortunately the negative side that I see is as a result of the line of work that I do.

Advanced medical billing: the number one component of my job is appealing claim denials. I use my clinical background to analyze and interpret the surgical notes/office notes and in deciphering the information, it goes into the form of an appeal.

We have a number of patients who are seen in our GI practices for complication-related issues with their bariatric-related procedure. Often, its because the bariatric patient has failed (in some cases miserably) to adhere to the post-op instructions, and has literally eaten their way into emergency surgery, and now is doing a follow-up with the GI specialist and often, the Bariatric surgeon teaming together as well.

The requirements just to have a WL-related surgical procedure varies from plan to plan (most companies who are self-insured will not even think of adding it), and the considerations to approve such a procedure is extremely reliant on the patient being a staunchly proactive person to try multiple methods of weight loss. Proving that alone is extremely difficult from a clinical perspective. Ive angered many physicians when their medical documentation does not meet the insurance guidelines and frankly I dont care - I need the doctors to be compliant with records regulations and laws.

Unfortunately for every one patient who complies with the post-op instructions, we probably have three or four who are totally non-compliant because they did not do the appropriate behavioral health modifications needed for working with a modified stomach/intestine. They ate themselves crazily into the ER.

A good friend of mine was bound and determined to have bariatric surgery and I begged her not to do it - she had no control over her eating habits, and to see her binge as if she had been starved to death was literally frightening to watch. Her behaviors were severely compromised.

She was hospitalized for four months as a result of significant complications - total sepsis, developed MRSA and was on life support for four weeks within the time frame of being hospitalized for the procedure. Day three she went into cardiac arrest. We almost lost her. Her body could not handle the procedure - it basically broke down on her. It seemed like she was in a medically induced coma for a long time.. it was torture on her family and friends. She was 350lbs overweight when she hit the surgeon's table.

Fast forward 6 years later - she is a heart patient at age 40, walks with a cane. She has only lost 100lbs thus far and willingly admits she still has problems with food.... there are days she still cant stop. As a result of this, she continues to have problems with her bypass. She expects people to be 100% supportive of her decision... its not easy to do that. Not when you see her still gorging on food and we are panic-stricken she will have a mass gastric rupture because she has not changed her behaviors.

I wont judge a person who chooses to go through the surgery. Its not my place. However, I sit back and every time I have to review a complication a bariatric patient presents with as a result of extremely poor food-related behavior(s), and all I can think about is my best friend almost dying in the OR.... Having that surgery requires 100% compliance post-operatively speaking, and I see many records of patients who dont make the required changes, often referred right back to the same people he/she dealt with before the surgery was approved to do what they can to intervene and get the patient back into compliance.

ANY surgery holds risks, complications and even death. No matter what procedures, all patients are advised of those issues prior to signing for consent. Bariatric surgery is a very sensitive issue because there are many cases patients fail miserably to adhere to the strict rules they have to follow because they failed to change the eating-related behaviors... thankfully it does not apply to all bariatric patients... but a greater percentage of those patients, it does....and all too often they wish they never had done the procedure in the first place.


For those that willingly have chosen to do this, my advice to you is to find others like yourself and avoid the main boards here like the plague. There are too many nasty-friggin' people (my own patients often shy away from the main boards here) who will throw you to the lion's den and have at-it with you. You dont deserve that type of treatment. Its ok to have a mature discussion provided the other party doesnt attack you - people are entitled to their albeit, constructive opinion, but often resort to the mental stigma of their shoe size.

blackcoffeeandcherrypie

Congrats on your success! I don't think surgery is wrong, I just don't think it's right for everyone. Unfortunately, a lot of people look into surgery because they THINK it's the easy way out. Your story and many others I've heard prove that that is hardly the case. Also, surgery doesn't teach you how to eat properly -- you still have to learn that yourself. A lot of people start out okay, and as their stomach stretches to make room for more food, they wind up eating the way they did before and gain it all back.

I guess my point is surgery has a lot of drawbacks and doesn't work for everyone. It's also incredibly risky and not necessary for every overweight/obese person who wants to lose weight. It doesn't make it bad, but it does make it something that weight loss sites might not want to be pushed on new people coming in.

I have to agree with this. My main concern with surgery is its lack of success in certain respects. People who have it tend to end up with a very low amount of muscle due to malnutrition and this then exacerbates their metabolism which in turn affects weight gain, so it seems a vicious cycle to me. Obviously obesity is dangerous in itself and almost any cure is better than no cure. But it does have a lot of associated problems and I really don't think it should be recommended except as a very last resort.

cggoben

First I want to say congratulations and way to go!

Now, I'd like to respond to your question. I used to work in health insurance and the main downside to surgery, for me, is that it is still considered experimental. I have seen cases where people have died due to complications from the surgery and end up leaving over $1 million in medical debt to their families. These families not only have to deal with the loss of their loved one, but also with foreclosure on their home. Now, the counter to this is that I don't know if the patients who have passed from complications took the surgery serious or not. Did they follow the food guidelines and other criteria that they are supposed to? I don't know. Maybe that was the reason for their complications?

No, the fact that someone has surgery should not be taboo. However, no one should enter the surgery process with a light heart and the mindset that this is the easy way out, as I have seen several people do.

Again, I want to congratulate you on your hard work and I hope the pounds continue to drop for you! You have done great, keep it up!

ShayWolfexo

I don't think bariatric surgery is wrong at all. If that's how you lost or are losing weight and it's working for you than thats wonderful! And I know someone who has had a procedure done and it is in no shape or form EASY! Infact he had to go through months of counseling beforehand and he has no choice but to eat healthy and exercise. He looks and feels great! Do what you gotta do for you and nobody else!


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rml_16

I don't think it's necessarily wrong, but I know a lot of people who had it and not one of them has managed to reach goal weight and all of them gained most of their weight back.

Surgery doesn't teach you how to eat right and exercise. I also, after reading your OP, think you are not being honest with yourself about your own eating habits. You contradict yourself a lot. And the bottom line is, if you're overweight despite NOT overeating, as you state, surgery isn't going to help you. But that's one of the places I think you're dishonest because if you were overweight despite not overeating, you wouldn't be able to lose weight on 1,200 calories a day as opposed to 1,500.

I think you probably have a lot of psychological work to do that surgery isn't going to help with. Good luck.

SHBoss1673

Wait a minute. She asked why it's considered wrong. She REQUESTED the opinion of people that don't agree with it. That's not being judgmental.

Maybe there are people out there who treat those who receive surgery badly, but as far as I can tell, every person on here who disagrees with it (to one degree or another) has done so with valid reasoning. Since when is that being judgmental? I'm tired of people saying we are bad people just because we (validly) don't agree with a (in many cases) very controversial procedure that has a high risk factor and questionable rate of relapse.

To me it feels like those who are proponents of it are hyper-sensitive to critisism and don't want to hear the reality of the problems that surround the issue.

If you go and proactively investigate the process, recognize all the downsides, and decide that the lifestyle required after the surgery is acceptable to you, then great, that's all I ask is that people make well reasoned out decisions and own up to them.

But I HAVE done the research, I do have people close to me that have had it done, I have seen the (everyday) complications that come from this surgery, and how it changes their life (sometimes for good, sometimes for bad) and I have decided that, with the exception of those people who have no reasonable way to lose the weight in more traditional methods (such as those that have a medical condition that severely hampers weight loss attempts) AND who are in imminent danger of death from their weight, I don't think it's a viable and reasonable solution.

That's how I feel, if you don't agree, I have no issue with that. But don't call me a "hater" or "judgmental" because I don't agree with you.

Kimjanebrooks

So true. Good health is my aim so this should be the perfect site for someone like me!

The thing that makes us all so interesting to each other is that everyone has a different opinion to many many things. Whether it is from life experience or just a gut feeling.

You have to make whatever choices you feel are right in your life, and if they feel right to you, they are right to you.

To get along in life you have to take everyone's opinion with a pinch of salt. Many different opinions can actually help you make the right choice in your life.

You have found that the surgery has helped you so much to become the person you want to be. It may have been a mistake to someone else.