Getting Upset When People Notice?

vytamindi

I seriously never thought people would dislike when a friend or relative said ´are u losing weight?´.. We all are here for that, cause we wanna get healthier, happier, look better...
I dont understand why some get upset when people finally see a change in us. Im so damn proud of where i am right, I could never EVER get upset with a comment like that, quite as opossite, I get upset when people i havent seen in a long time see me and dont say a damn word about how different I look :grumble:

but oh well.. to each their own!

Unfortunately, I wasn't born with much self esteem or confidence. I'm just now starting to develop it, but that started before I lost weight. I can't speak for others, but I'm much more comfortable out of the limelight and out of everyone's gossip or conversations.

Going from that mindset my whole life to a barrage of compliments (I work with a lot of southern ladies, so I know they mean well) can be quite a shock.

I'm glad you enjoy the compliments. Trust me, I wish I could I'm learning to, but very slowly!

Aurorakitty

I"m glad that they notice but their tone of voice is what concerns me. Their tone of voice is concerned (in a bad way) As if they are refraining from making a rude comment. I'm happy that I lost weight so it makes me even more self conscious of how I look now.

ponderosakaren

That's a very post, and now I think about it its reflective of some my weight battles....mine goes back a very long way, can't ever remember being 'slim', but every time I lose some weight some of my family are so effusive in their praise that it almost comes over as a veiled criticism of when I was fatter! As in, 'hey how good do you look compared to a few months ago when you were the size of a house! Somehow it always ends up in me going back to that house size! In my most recent battle (now) my lovely 84 yer old mother keeps saying 'Don't buy that dress as you'll be a size 10 before Christmas!'...seems like she's laid down a challenge that I'm bound to fail!!
I do have a strategy I'm using though...which is to wear unflatteringly sloppy clothes so nobody can see what lurks beneath! I've only lost around 9 lbs but underneath the clothes I can see a difference...so will try to keep it to myself a while longer!!
Meanwhile maybe we should see all such comments as flattering and complementary, which is surely what they are meant to be, and use them as positive drivers to move forward and to do it for ourselves, and our personal goals! Good luck with yours!!

phoenixgirl81

Yes, I understand getting upset when people notice. When I first started out on this, I HATED when people noticed that I'd lost weight. It would actually send me into a psychological tail-spin. I'm dealing with a lot of underlying stuff from my past, and people around me don't necessarily know about all that.

For me to start with, it wasn't safe for people to know that I'd lost weight. I wasn't ready to talk about my body, my decisions, etc. I wasn't sure I would be able to sustain this weight-loss and if they noticed then I would have a hell of a lot of expectations placed on me to keep going when I wasn't sure I was able to. It had the capacity to completely de-rail any progress I felt I could make. Also, any comments they made about my weightloss made me feel so sad and ashamed...I was already yelling at myself in my head for being so fat...I did't need everyone else to feel they had licence to now openly discuss my body and my weight.

That then triggered responses held deep in my brain about trauma from the past...and it made me feel really unsafe.

How I dealt with it? I wore baggy clothes to cover my body from prying eyes so that my reducing shape couldn't be seen. I also wore layers and bulky jumpers/sweaters for the same reason. I stayed like that for as long as it took until I realised that I could do it, and that I'd made the decision for the long haul, and then I started to wear normal clothes around my partner and others who I felt safe around...then, once I felt comfortable with their responses, I started to wear normal clothes in public. And now, I love it when people notice because they recognise my hard work.

It's hard to deal with. I get it.

Maybe you could also think of some responses to people's comments/compliments/well-meaning thoughts to help you tell them that you're not ok with it?

Take care.

Jesea

Not at all. I have struggled for every pound I've lost, and I am happy to share with anyone who asks. Feeling better about myself means a lot to me, and people noticing is the icing on the cake. Enjoy your success!

1258936

I don't mind when they notice, but I do mind when they go into way too specific detail about how much and from where I must have lost it. I have a friend who constantly oversteps my comfort level in her comments. Makes me feel like an object to be judged. My looks are not my only personality trait! I have worth beyond my physical traits!

dandelionwisps

i know what you mean about food being an addiction and feeling like having other people talk to you about your weight loss is like talking to you about a very personal struggle with addiction.
i think it's important you do what you're comfortable with and don't let anyone else pressure you to talk about something you don't want to talk about. while it's very very challenging, you will become stronger each time you stand your ground to other people. think about a recovering alcoholic who gets asked by someone who doesn't know them well, want to have a drink?, followed by the question, why not? let's just get a couple beers.
on the other hand, some very successful recovering addicts hold themselves accountable by making their personal battle very public, and being very honest with themselves and the world about their addiction and recovery. for example counselors who used to be addicts or people who are open about being in "-whatever- anonymous" are addicts who make their personal battles public for example.
shame can be very damaging in the struggle in addiction. it can actually hinder your recovery. if you can somehow learn how to let go of being ashamed of being addict to food, simply accept it as is. if you learn to not feel ashamed for "relapsing"/gaining back weight, it is just part of the process, you may be able to achieve more in your recovery than before!

VanessaCLara

I understand where you are coming from. I don't feel upset about the direct comment "are you losing weight?"...it's more like attention is being drawn to the larger issue of gaining and losing. I can relate because I have lost large amounts before and gained it back. For those who have never gone through that Yo-Yo battle... a compliment seems "nice." To those who are extreme dieters it seems as though that comment brings a certain level of awareness to the entire battle over the years. It's not that I get mad at a person for giving me a compliment (duh haha its that you have to face that feeling of wondering if people are thinking "well she's just going to gain it all back again." Its not other people noticing that bother me, it is the demons I struggle with inside over my own weight issues. Either way it's never to late to start again, gain a NEW control and have a better understanding of ourselves

RadioactivePirate

For me to start with, it wasn't safe for people to know that I'd lost weight. I wasn't ready to talk about my body, my decisions, etc. I wasn't sure I would be able to sustain this weight-loss and if they noticed then I would have a hell of a lot of expectations placed on me to keep going when I wasn't sure I was able to. It had the capacity to completely de-rail any progress I felt I could make. Also, any comments they made about my weightloss made me feel so sad and ashamed...I was already yelling at myself in my head for being so fat...I did't need everyone else to feel they had licence to now openly discuss my body and my weight.

This for sure. At the beginning I really didn't want people to notice... what if I failed, and then I let everyone down? Now that I'm over a year into it and I'm more confident it doesn't bother me quite as much when people notice. For that reason anyway.

I still don't like that simply by losing weight it's like my body has become public property, a subject of discussion to anyone around me no matter how little I know them. I imagine it's rather similar to what I've heard pregnant women complain about, that because people can see it they feel free to nose into your personal life and ask about things that are really none of their business. A friend who knows I've been working hard complimenting me on my weight loss is one thing, a casual acquaintance cornering me and demanding details of my diet and exercise plans is something else entirely.

And I also don't like that "you've lost weight" is considered to always be a compliment. I still believe that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Just because losing weight is the decision I made for myself doesn't mean I'm going to participate in fat hate.

MaryB2

Double posted

MaryB2

It doesn't bother me at all...not sure why. My weight isnt something that has ever embarrassed me to talk about. I was little then gained 60 lbs after quitting smoking. I had 3 people approach me about the weight I gained and it never occurred to me to get mad at them. I used to do swimming pool maintenance and it was all people from work. One was the girl in the office, one another maintenance tech and the other an older man that was a favorite customer. All 3 talked to me privately and out of concern. Asking what was going on in my life to gain so much so quickly and if they could help with anything. I responded honestly with no hurt feelings. Later I was telling my friend about it and she said she would have been pissed. I couldn't be mad it made me realize that other people noticed and I needed to fix it. Now when people notice I've lost I love it. I really think they are only trying to compliment you.

davert123

I'm a little confused by your post - I'll explain. If you change your appearance in any way people will notice - people notice if I change my shirt into something bright, I notice if my friend has a running kit on instead of their shirt and tie. When you lose weight people will notice - I think you can agree on this. So it seems to me the problem you are feeling (which is genuine) is not that they have noticed - the only way to avoid this is to move home and start a new job, the problem is that they have said they have noticed. How come people voicing something that is obvious and intended to be a compliment be taken as something that upsets part of you. I'm asking the question for you to answer to yourself. Is it that you think that because they have noticed the loss then internally part of you seems to think they think you are doing if for them - or perhaps you feel some sort of pressure to comply and do more from there comment ? there is something human, irrational (like parts of all of us) that is going on here. A way though this is to think - think that they are only complimenting you rather than giving you an instruction. Think - they are separate from you - the words they say ar their words for them - they don't have to affect you in the slightest. If you are brave then think and feel what you are feeling and see where in your past it comes from - what is going on is psychodynamic and there is some conflict inside you that could do with resolving. I'm gonig to say this again though - we all have such things going on - sometimes they jump up and make us feel bad like yours has - I'd suggest you read some information on transactional analysis on the web (or get a book - either what do you say after you say hello by Erick Burns or TA Today by Stewart). this is of course if you want to stop feeling bad. If you are ok with the negative feelings and just wish people would shut up (which they are not going to) then that's ok to. What I rally think though is that you shouldn't give people power over you and what you feel - don't choose to let them make you feel upset or bad - its up to you.

Good luck and keep being brilliant just like you are :-)

kaylabrianna

I know exactly how you feel - I was an inpatient because I'm battling with anorexia, and when I came out of the treatment center a year later and saw people from my school it was so so difficult to hold it together. I could feel them staring me down, talking about the weight I had lost. It was extremely difficult, it still is. I avoid seeing people altogether because of that day.

michelleProv

your not alone we all go threw this i think some people like the attention but for me also i dont realy like people asking cause i feel like if i fail they will all know i failed lol but what ever i guess

lilpoindexter

Someone else here posted that people asked him (or her) if she was sick, or what was up with the weight loss. The funny thing is (I'm a 5' 11" man) that no one said anything until I lost about 40 lbs...now all i hear is ..."DUDE ARE YOU OK?! YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER OR SOMETHING, DO YOU?! YOUR FACE LOOKS ALL SUCKED IN" LOL...that just tells you how skewed our idea of "normal" has become.

ldrosophila

I'm afraid of the "there she goes again when will she gain it back" too, but I figure they cant see the change in my mind. The change that knows I will always have a food addiction, and I want to be better I want to have a healthy relationship w/ food and my body. I guess its realizing their opinions and thoughts whether good or bad dont matter in the end I'm doing the for myself and for me only.

LaylaLoses

I haven't lost any weight yet, this go-round, but I think I know what you're talking about. In the past, I felt the same shame when someone noticed I'd dropped a few (and it was always only a few before I fell and gained it all back plus some) that I do now when anyone sees me with food. For me it's about being so embarrassed that I let myself go this far. When I'm at the grocery, I imagine that people are gawking, thinking to themselves, "Take a look at that miserable cow!"

A few weeks ago a group of teenaged (I'm ASSuming) girls openly pointed and laughed at me in the store. It was the single most humiliating experience of my life. I have never felt less like a human being. I looked a fright (it was a quick jaunt out to get some milk), but didn't think I looked THAT bad.

I think until I'm actually successful with my weight loss, it'll feel like the beginning of a failed effort and that people are already judging me.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's not THEM, it's me. :P

I think a major part of this journey is learning to love myself and not assume people are thinking horrible things about me.

neasha27

I seriously never thought people would dislike when a friend or relative said ´are u losing weight?´.. We all are here for that, cause we wanna get healthier, happier, look better...
I dont understand why some get upset when people finally see a change in us. Im so damn proud of where i am right, I could never EVER get upset with a comment like that, quite as opossite, I get upset when people i havent seen in a long time see me and dont say a damn word about how different I look :grumble:

but oh well.. to each their own!


My sentiments exactly!

saraann4

I used to get very uncomfortable with people commenting and asking me about what I was doing. I'd be very short with them. Now, I love the comments. Still a little short with them. I get all sorts of questions now like what do you eat, what do you eat for breakfast, how much meat do you eat, how long do you exercise, blah blah blah blah! I'm more open now though.

Just give it some time.

withchaco

I just feel that if someone had a gambling addiction, or smoking addiction, or something along those lines they were trying to beat, it's often done so quietly other people don't notice. For those of us that struggle with a food addiction, it's like we're wearing a sign that says "FOOD IS MY ADDICTION! YOU WATCHED ME GET FAT, NOW WATCH MY PRIVATE STRUGGLE AS I TRY TO BEAT IT".

It's definitely understandable, but even with other kinds of addictions, it's not always the same for everyone. A good family friend of mine had serious gambling addiction years ago; while she won't go around broadcasting about it on a soapbox, she's not ashamed to admit it in public either, because it's all in the past. Same with a friend who happens to be an ex-smoker... She's proud that she beat the addiction.

Like with most things, it's different for each person. Someone close to me is struggling with a MAJOR addiction (not food) but has taken the first step to beating it. I will be so proud of him when he's victorious, but I may have to be careful on how to express my feelings in case he's sensitive about it.

tvanhooser

It only bothers me when it's the only thing they can think of or want to talk to me about especially with those certain people who know from a lifetime of experience judge my value as a human being on how much I weigh and how "cute" and "fashionable" I am (something that has never concerned me much as long as I am clean, comfortable, modest and appropriate --I am happy). But the best thing to do is just say thanks for noticing and change the subject. If they keep bringing it up, find a reason to be somewhere else. I'm doing this for my own reasons, not to get anyone's approval or make anyone like me better and if anyone is going to change their opinion of me, for better or worse, because of ANY aspect of my physical body, that's not someone I need to waste my energy trying to please anyway. I'll go hang with those who like me just as I am no matter what my body does. I do find it odd in an amusing sort of way when people tell me how "skinny" I'm getting and how I am going to turn sideways and disappear....mostly because, even though I do give myself credit for the progress I've made so far and the fact that just as my oldest turns 14 I have FINALLY lost almost all the baby weight plus some.....but this was only ever the first major milestone...I still have 50 some pounds to go. But I realized I should just take the compliments gracefully but with a grain of salt, because most of the people that are important to me at this point of my life have never known me this light so it looks skinny to them. Besides myself, only my birth family has ever seen me at my goal weight and that was like 30 years ago so I can't blame anyone for not knowing just how small I can really be or that I haven't always been big. I just got one new pair of pants yesterday that aren't falling off -14s. Haven't been there in a while--and I appreciate the accomplishment BUT I WILL be a 6 again. That's what size I am when I am at my goal weight --I know because I remember being there. So smile, nod, move on.....they can only see the outside.....they can't actually see the struggle inside your head and your heart. They can't see the real you, the part that really matters. So if you don't want to discuss it with them....then don't. Save that for those who you really care about and really care about you no matter what you look like and struggle with!!

Julicat6

I like when people notice and tell me how great I'm looking.. I think I look so much better too. I feel bad when people I know well don't notice or say anything, but then I'm an observant person and always comment on my friend's and co-workers, new hair do's clothes, makeup, whatever. I think we all need to hear positive comments. It never means I didn't like them the other way too, just that I noticed they put a lot of effort into something new.

Nette_54

I would take it as a compliment though I can understand where you are coming from but for me I was disappointed when family I hadn't seen for a while hadn't noticed my hard work and the weight I had lost......

FlaxMilk

I would take it as a compliment though I can understand where you are coming from but for me I was disappointed when family I hadn't seen for a while hadn't noticed my hard work and the weight I had lost......

Maybe they did notice but didn't want to make you feel self-conscious? Did you tell them you were trying? I don't tell people I notice unless I know they are working at it and the reason I know is because they told me.

Nettie96fb

I personally would be really peeved if my friends didn't notice I had lost weight. I talk about my journey openly and freely, I encourage encouragement ... I love going down the street and people saying 'wow, you've lost weight' cos 'yes, I have'..and I feel great about it...:) good luck with you demons...I hope you learn to enjoy the pleasure of the compliments

phoenixgirl81

I think the difference between the OP and the comments that say that they'd be upset if people DIDN'T notice is that the latter are ready for people to notice, ready and confident they can/will do it and have had something click in their minds where they believe they deserve to be healthy. OP, I don't know you personally, but I know depression and I have experienced the feelings you have described. It takes work to believe in yourself. And it takes effort on your part to protect yourself from the people around you and their (often well-meaning) comments until you are ready and able to face them. Do you have support around you, e.g. a psychologist and/or a dietician (or GP) who understands depression and the connection with food issues? If not, what kind of support do you have around you?

Also, to the person who said that their friends don't minds others knowing about their previous struggles with addiction, remember this. Those friends are talking about PAST addictions whereas the OP is talking about a CURRENT addiction. There is a big difference in mindset between the two.

mccbabe1

For anyone who decides to change their life and drop the weight, it's inevitable that eventually someone is going to notice. Does anyone else get upset when this happens?

Let me explain. I have been obese my entire life. The lightest I can remember is when I briefly dropped to 195 before climbing to my highest at 265. I was up and down for years. It really is true that if you're not ready to change mentally, it's just not going to happen.

63 days ago, I decided I was done. I mentally felt ready to say goodbye for good. This was a huge deal for me, as I'm not overweight just because I like food (a lot). I'm overweight because I also struggle with binge eating disorder and depression, which seem to go so very nicely together. Mentally, I finally feel ready to battle this demon.

So I started eating better. Not clean (yet!), but have made major changes. I try to be active. I have dropped 15-18 lbs in that 63 day period...not a drastic amount, but enough that people are starting to notice. I am down a pant size.

My best friend asked me the other night if I am dropping weight, and I said yes. But inside, I kind of freaked out. This is such a personal battle for me, such a demon of addiction, that I want to battle by myself. I NEED to do this for me, but I almost wish other people couldn't see what I'm battling with. Addiction to food or ANY substance is such a personal battle, it's kind of embarrassing for me to know that other people can see my struggle. They've seen me lose and gain multiple times over the years, and I always wonder if they're thinking "here she goes again!".

I'm not sure if any of that made sense...does anyone else feel this way?

I dont care if ppl notice. I get upset when someone ask me how much I weigh or how much I lost.



If you set your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.....



http://www.myfitnesspal.com/groups/home/8987-serious-diet-support-group

'

take a DEEEEEEEP breath!!!! and relax.. I understand what your saying... I really do.. and I toally agree wih the addiction/getting rid of that demond.. big time... but just look at the 'immediate picture/reality".. your friend sees you... you HAVE lost 15 pounds! (great job btw) and a pant size.. so yes she noticed... and in reality .. it would be worse if you made these changed and are doing well and loosing wt and nobody noticed at all!!??!?! that would make me :sad: ... try to take your 'deep rooted emotions' outta the simple compliment... and just look at the REALITY/picture of what it is.. you loosing wt/body changing...DONT analyze it more then what it is

xx

debdelilah

***Mini-rant***

My father went on dialysis in 2008, when he was almost 58 and I was almost 28....I had volunteered to be a donor if he qualified for a transplant, which it turns out he may not, due to other conditions. At the time my dad started thinking about a transplant and going through that process, I had already started my weight loss - I started at a BMI about 127(I am 5'4 and weighed about 158 at the start of it, near the end of January 2009. By March, I was no longer medically overweight, by April I had lost 30 lbs, and weight continued to come off when I was in maintenance and not trying to lose, which put my weight at 114 lbs several months later.

During the middle of my weightloss process, and when I was down enough that I had a healthy BMI, I had doctors/dieticians/medical professionals at my father's dialysis center who made pointed comments about donors and weight loss - for instance, and I'm almost quoting, they would say to my father in my presence, "You obviously don't need to lose weight, but a donor also has to be under a certain weight to qualify to give the transplant." This was said more than once in my presence...
The social workers and nurses at the dialysis center knew me when I was 158, but the comments never came up then, as my fathers' doctor at the veteran's hospital did not consider him a transplant candidate initially. I found it strange that they did not notice my weight loss or consider the possibility that I might not be overweight anymore, given that they had no way of knowing my height/weight.. The comments BEGAN when I was 140 lbs and no longer medically overweight, and I found it offensive and discouraging. Not only did they NOT comment on my weight LOSS at this time, but it was as though they expected that I must be heavy because someone might have noted it on a chart or paperwork for my father in the past(based on speculation, because at that time I didn't have my donor card, and had not been weighed or had an exam). His doctor at the VA hospital made similar comments.

When my weight loss was extreme enough for them to notice, I continued to find their comments impolite/unhelpful/discouraging:

*Me with my dad at an appointment several months after I lost weight,, wearing a bulky winter coat and baggy pants - the dr. made the weight comment again, while looking closely at me.

*Around my lowest(in the one-teens) - my father's dietician complimented me on my weight loss and then asked if I was still losing. I said that I had lost the weight months before and was not still losing. The comment was not encouraging, because I wasn't sure whether she was implying she still thought I was fat, or saying something to the effect that she worries about people regaining weight - after all, when I'm near the very bottom of my weight range for height, why would I still be losing? I had finished losing weight months before this, and considered it a negative comment because I didn't even think about maintaining my weight at that point- it came automatically. The smaller me was who I was and I felt comfortable with it, but this compliment, though well intended, jolted me and made me wonder how others see my body. I realize it is possible that she was worried I was losing too much weight, but given that she herself looks very petite, I didn't think that was likely. I also was disturbed that she paid that much attention to my weight, when I had never exceeded 15 lbs over a healthy BMI.

*I get many comments about being tiny now- and I know my body fat percentage measured 17% at my gym when I started there and I think should be as low or lower now. But I don't have a feminine or pretty shape and never did - so when I have ANY cushion, even if I'm not overweight, maybe some people think my lack of shape is because I'm overweight? But I got more flirtations when I was about 140 than when I was heavier and also more than now, when lighter.

I have come to the conclusion that it's VERY hard to be a woman in America, as far as "ideal weight" goes. Other people's ideas of ideal weight can differ radically.

TheFitHooker

I use to get upset, now I think about it, I'm 120 lbs lighter then a lot of people remember me. I haven't seen a lot of people in a long time since I do not live in my home town. So if they didn't notice I'd be offended lol. I expect to hear it now, just because I know most of these people haven't seen me in 3 yrs or so.

Where I live now most people know me as I am now so they didn't know me big. When I tell them how much I've lost I get the "Where did you put an extra 120 lbs???" Or when I show my before photo's I get the whole "That don't even look like you, that isn't you." The only way I can pin point that it is me, is I have a scar on my right arm.

DoingItNow2012

Good luck on your journey. You will definitely have to work on the guilt and shame issues. People will notice, and the sooner you wrap your head around that the better it will be for you. I know it's scary to be so vulnerable and it obviously means a lot to you to lose the weight. So, it can be painfully to have set backs. I hope you find some great support here and if you don't, I hope you seek it elsewhere. Personally, I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. We all have a story and our own path to travel. For most people, weightloss is a journey with ups and downs. Stay positive and keep the end goal in mind.